To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

The last funeral I went to, there were two women my own age wearing sleeveless black dresses that looked like dressed down party frocks. I don't think anyone else wore black at all. That said, a colleague of mine once turned up to work in a little black suit, hat with veil, the works, because she was taking the afternoon off to go to a funeral. I'm somewhere in the middle, myself. Like weddings, a family funeral is not an occasion to grab the limelight so I go for respectable and dark colours.

I hope whoever ends up organising my funeral is clear that anyone who wants to attend is welcome and there is no dress code. I find dressing up tedious and wouldn't want anyone to think they have to for me.

I do make a reasonable effort for all funerals I attend to the tune of wearing a dress in a darkish colour. But I wouldn't associate anyone not doing so with a lack of respect.

I was at a funeral yesterday, the majority had worn some dark clothing, some wore quite inappropriate dresses. most men had worn suits or dark trousers with a white shirt , one had turned up in shorts

Did these people attend the entire funeral, including the function afterwards, or just the church service?

My sister passed away unexpectedly last year and I was shocked at the number of people who attended the funeral in casual clothes, but most of them were people who knew her and wanted to pay their respects, but were not close enough to join us for the lunch and drinks afterwards. Everyone who came to the function was dressed appropriately.

If someone just wants to pay their respects and maybe they are going on to Tesco or the school afterwards, perhaps the important thing is they turned up rather than what they wore?

But I agree I would always make the effort.

That would be completely bizarre at any UK funeral unless specified to wear what you’re comfortable in. A summer dress and sandals like it’s a BBQ?

I went to a funeral where one young woman was in jeans and a crop top. I’m all for wearing what you want and I didn’t judge but I was surprised at the relaxed clothing. I wonder if young people don’t feel the same about formality for certain occasions.

Sorry for your loss Op but I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing here .Why does it matter what they wire ? Maybe it was hot, perhaps they can’t afford formal clothes or feel uncomfortable in them or they wanted to dress as they did when interacting with your DF - there could be many reasons. Don’t judge then on their clothes , judge then on the fact that they cared enough to show up

When people dress up to the nines it suggests that they're wanting to be looked at and thinking about how people perceive them, which is possibly fair enough in some situations. A funeral isn't one of those times, it's a time for being mentally present and thinking about the person who's died. Different arrangements of materials and textiles (known as clothing) are irrelevant.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, and I wonder if some of this distress is part of your grieving.

No but you did muscle in on my reply to that comment…

As I’ve already said, more important that the top half stays cool.

What work did your Dad do, and were these colleagues, friends from the pub, or family members?? I think we need context.

Most funerals I have been to have been very small, few best friends and family only, which is much better I think. Black, no. Hairpiece, WTF, no. Veils, again, where are you? Surely not the UK. But people should dress neatly, and cleanly. Again in the UK we have no rules about bare shoulders, or shorts, but most people would try to be a little more subtle. Plain (any colour) Summer dress with short sleeves and flat sandals would be the order of the day for me.

You’re not unreasonable to be upset if that’s how you feel.
At the time of my husband’s funeral I can remember being put out that 2 people turned up in gym gear.
I did calm down quite quickly and then appreciated that they had to come straight from work, and had only been allocated a very short break in order to attend. On balance I was pleased they made the effort to attend at all.
I am sorry for your loss.

I’ve said YABU for several reasons

Work clothes - taking time out of your work day to attend a funeral to show respect is not something I’d never get upset over, I’d be grateful they took the time. One of my cousins drove 2 hours to attend another cousins funeral, he was in his work clothes while the rest of the family were in our funeral clothes, we were just happy he managed to make it. Several of my cousins work colleagues were also in their work clothes as they had to go back to work after.

Casual clothes - where as I have several funeral outfits as I’ve been to far too many funerals, not everyone else has. I know many adults who have never been to a funeral and may not know the etiquette. I know that locals from a few of my DFs favourite drinking spots came to his funeral, what they wore I’ve no idea as I wasn’t focussing on them. I did notice a few people outside the church in everyday clothes but most didn’t go to the wake so no idea who these people were but they obviously cared enough to turn up to say good bye to my DF.

My DF was always smartly dressed, personally he’d never go to a funeral in anything but a funeral suit but he’d never judge anyone for turning up at his in casual clothes. Long gone are the days of everyone being in black, it’s very common these days for people to wear colours and casual clothes.

I think your being extremely irrational about what other people wore, I was far to much in a bubble to even care what people wore to my DFs funeral. I also don’t remember who came up to me and who didn’t. I do remember the church and crem being packed but only speaking to family or people who knew me. Who the other mourners were I have no idea but they must of cared about my DF to show up that’s all that matters in the end.

I don’t think it’s established that she’s unusually formal. Most people I know would wear a clean, black dress or clean black suit to a funeral. Perhaps just shirt and trousers due to the heat. But not jeans or joggers.

OPs hair thing and pashmina appear to be specifically for elderly church funerals which would typically be more formal. While I think that’s over the top it is more classic funeral than sloppy casual wear.

Oh, op, I am so sorry for your awful loss.

I'm of your approach to funerals- unless specifically asked to dress casually/ colourfully then I would be formal in my appearance and feel this is part of showing the proper respect. At the very least I would expect people to be clean and neat even if the clothes they wore were of the more casual kind.

Sometimes people are lucky that they have anyone showing up!

So again, I'm not just asking you why you think the jogger wearers are sheep, but why the people following the more longstanding custom of dark, formal clothes aren't. I'm not asking you whether you think funeral wear has to be formal, I'm asking you to explain why this doesn't apply to followers of that specific norm.

Interestingly, you've left out the key part of my post addressing temperatures. Which is what the post of mine you commented on in the first place was about. I'll restate it here:

The reason why people might own joggers but not more formal, heatwave friendly clothing is because actually, the latter is still quite an uncommon thing to need to dress for in our society.

The heatwaves we've been having in the 2020s didn't exist in the same way before covid. It's actually entirely conceivable that most of the population have never been to a formal, sombre event in 31 degree heat. That's why they might not have anything suitable in the wardrobe. And as pointed out already, requiring people to buy something new means some of them won't be able to do afford that.

I’ve been to various funerals with farmers. Can’t imagine one ever turning up in the torn overalls they just used to muck out their dairy herd.

Hairpieces, veils and mantillas? What the heck?

My job means I’m at crematoria at least once a week, so I see many funeral goers milling about. Most people don’t dress overly formally nowadays and it’s quite rare to see everyone in black, but the vast majority are respectable. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen people in dirty workwear, trainers and flip
flops. Your group sounded like a right old bag of scruffs, OP.

Or for the funerals in movies.

My friends mum died last month. I wore a black dress (shoulders fully covered), did my hair, make up and put my flip flops on. It was a 35 degree day, I was getting over an ankle injury and they were the only comfortable footware I could tolerate. Even without the injury I'd probably still have worn them due to the temperatures.

Absolutely no disrespect was intended towards my friend or her mum, both of whom I adore and it never occurred to me that she or anyone else would even care what was on my feet. I guess I should count myself lucky that she hadn't cut me out of her life for such a faux pas.

I went to a funeral today and no one was dressed as you describe. Even though it was hot, most men were in shirts and ties (not many jackets). Or open neck shirts.
Women were all in either dresses or trousers and a smart short sleeved top.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 I didn’t make the shawl / cardigan comment. Get your point but a shawl/ cardigan probably looks more put together than the equally hot jeans and joggers/ trainers combo.

I don't think you can compare funeral clothes and wedding attire. Weddings are planned long in advance and for most are a full day event with photo. Outside close family, funerals usually involve juggling your routine a bit without much warning, and I wouldn't expect anyone outside close family to be wearing hats, veils or fascinators. Even close family I'd be surprised at this these days in the UK. My father had a chapel service, close family wore smart black (dresses & suits, my youngish nephews mostly just shirt & tie), I didn't really pay much attention to what anyone else was wearing, it was just nice to see them all turn out on a weekday to pay their respects, and nicer still to catch up with them at the wake.

I don’t think it matters at the end of the day, the main thing is lots of people showed up because they loved your dad.