To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

Also, sorry for your loss. That should have been my first comment, but I haven't worked out how to edit yet.

I don’t think the OP is saying that make up, jewellery, heels and fascinator are the minimum she expected from the attendees at her father’s funeral, @LittleJules59 - that is what she wears to a funeral.

Clean, tidy, formal trousers and a jacket if necessary sounds like an absolutely fine outfit for a funeral, and I don’t think anyone on this thread has said it wouldn't be. But a grubby t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms is not appropriate, don’t you think?

Cancel the cheque 🙄

A lot of people apparently now don’t make the effort to dress nicely for job interviews anymore.

And the “at least they turned up” gang. Yeah at least they turned up looking like they haven’t had a bath in years and have been wearing the same clothes for about 6 years because they couldn’t be arsed to make an effort eh! The deceased person should be well flattered in that case. 🙄

Things do seem to have changed in terms of appropriate dress (there was thread about people turning up to hotel breakfasts in PJs a while ago), and whilst upsetting I’d try to focus on the fact that so many turned up to celebrate life and support each other.

People just don’t seem to make the effort of dressing appropriately anymore. I noticed it at the last funeral I went to and even at a wedding there were people in jeans and t shirts. You made the effort for your dad and that’s what matters.

I hate all this ‘at least they came’ rubbish like that’s the only option. I bet if they had a job interview they’d manage to scrub up. If the family of the deceased make it clear dark clothing or formal clothing is not required, or you’ve got an injury and can’t wear formal shoes, then of course it’s ok to dress casually, otherwise it is widely known that the appropriate attire for a funeral is formal, dark coloured clothing, barring that formal clothing at a minimum. If you have to come from work or haven’t got much money you still have to make the effort to borrow something suitable from a friend or family member or leave work 5 minutes earlier to slip a shirt on in your car.

I gave up this crap about 15 year ago: "make up, worn nice jewellery and heels, maybe even a pashmina and a hairpiece." I'm clean, tidy and wear formal trousers & jacket when appropriate. I don't see why I should be judged by standards that don't apply to men. No earings/heels/make up = disrespectful only applies to women. Bugger off. I'm too old to care.

Also, its very, very hot. You wear a pashmina in the heat?

If anything, I feel like it is the opposite. Young 20 something men are better dressed than when I was their age (10+ years ago).

Well said.

As for the “well it’s comfy” gang, I think they should snap out of their Covid nostalgia of being furloughed and lounging about in their joggers and trainers.

Its really funny the amount of threads I’ve seen where people want “fashion advice” because since Covid they have lost all sense of fashion and only wear joggers/ jeans and trainers and want to get out of the rut they are stuck in. Usually the same people who comment on threads like this defending why they should turn up at funerals looking like they just stepped out of a 2020 covid Time Machine

Have read most of OP's posts, and it's clear she's upset. No, black isn't always the 'go-to' these days, but did the OP/family state the dress code? (please wear black/bright colours/smart casual etc) because that is often what sets the tone.

The other thing I will say (as someone who has had to bury both parents in the last few years) there is a well-known saying: funerals are for the living, not the dead. OP's dad, if he was looking down, would just be pleased people turned up! The OP is the one left with the 'funerals are for the living' dilemma. OP, it will het easier, and these feelings will fade given enough time.

But it sounds as if you, your family and friends all dressed smartly (and therefore respectfully), not in dirty, revealing clothes.

I am 30. Just 5 years older than him. He is not typical of his age he’s just a slob. Everyone I know owns those things and did in our mid 20s when we mostly attended a funeral together

No it means your toes shouldn’t be out… flat pumps are fine. Think ‘would I wear this to court’ and if the answer is probably not then it’s not funeral atire.

We watched my bf' grandmas funeral on livestream a while ago and I was suprised how casually everyone was dressed. It wasn't hot so no flip-flops or shorts but very regular everyday clothing. I've been taught to dress up at funerals.

They were asked to leave as soon as they stepped inside.

Good.

AMEN. Scummy rotters indeed.

First of all, so sorry for your loss, OP. And YANBU, of course, don't listen to all the 'celebration of life', 'but it's comfy', 'be grateful they showed up' idiots. You're absolutely right; dress respectfully or don't bother attending. 'Would you rather they came in joggers or not at all' - NOT AT ALL, obviously; who needs chavs at a funeral of a loved one.

I'm European, in my 30s, and no, no one specifically gives us lectures on what to wear at funerals. You know why? BECAUSE IT'S OBVIOUS, SHERLOCK! My 13-year-old teen knows what to wear, because she has brains and eyes, never mind actual adults. Wear black, formal clothing, cover up, no tits&bits, no chav in the shops attire; I mean, does it really need spelling out?

It changed a bit in recent years; now closest family are suited and booted, all black (regardless of a 'massive heatwave of 31 degrees', are you having a laugh here with such a 'heatwave'). Others can wear different colours, but all dark, no prints. No shorts, joggers, flip-flops, strappy tops and shit like that, jesus.

We had one dragged-up skank showing up to my grandad's funeral. He was a well-known man, and the funeral was large, all people in black pretty much. She rocked up in a red maxi dress, with her daughter in a crop top. They were asked to leave as soon as they stepped inside.

We communicate through our clothing.
I know a lot of people turn up to a funeral who quite probably didn’t see the person much when they were alive but I think if they do they can dress appropriately.
That means no jogging bottoms. No strappy tops. And consider what message you want to send by the clothes you do wear.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It's about respect, and fewer and fewer people understand that these days. I am sorry for your loss. It gets, not easier as such, but different. X

Their attire may not have been appropriate. But it's very hot. And they turned up. I've been to funerals where there were only 3 people. It was desperately sad.

Condolences on your loss. 🌸

Hugely inappropriate to call the OP judgy and she should take a leaf out of her dad's book. She is grieving FFS and the funeral was only yesterday so everything is so very raw.

Despite some other poster suggesting hats were uncommon and for royalty, this is the kind of thing I wore to my own dad's funeral.

Make up and heels are certainly not necessarily, but being neatly and respectfully turned out is. I take my cue from the relatives and dress soberly and formally unless they request something different. If no requests are made I'll go for the conservative option.

My beloved grandfather disliked dull colours and loved warm brights. I quailled, having put on a red polka-dot dress to his funeral thinking others might find it disrespectful, went upstairs, and put on dark blue. My cousin said: 'go and put it back on, he'll love it!' Indeed he would have. I was the relative who knew him better than most others.

My friend's family suggested we could wear an item in yellow, her favourite colour. It very much depends on what's right for the family. I don't think turning up in track suits or flip flops is acceptable at all unless that look is specifically requested.

There is no right or wrong way. The point here is that a grieving relative feels disrespected by low-effort dress, and that view is what matters. OP, I'm sorry you had one more thing making you sad on an already sad day. Your guests were unreasonable. Sending you condolences.

Goodness me, when did we all become such wet blankets?
When did we all be one so selfish, constantly thinking about our own feelings and never ever putting anyone first for a moment?
"Ooh but wearing anything other than these grubby old joggers is too uncomfortable for me" or "Ooh I'd be too hot in anything but this arse-skimming bright orange dress with my tits hanging out"
So what if you're a bit hot or uncomfortable for one measly hour out of your life? Can you seriously not deal with that as an adult? How do any of you hold down jobs?!
It may shock a lot of people nowadays but unless you are a direct family member, you're not who is important at a funeral. Your needs come second to the people who are going through the worst time of their lives. You are there to show respect, and love, and support.
And your crocs are not doing that.
So grow the fuck up and put on something appropriate. It really isn't hard. It doesn't need to be a fascinator (and OP never said it does) just something that looks like you give a tiny bit of a shit about anyone other than yourself. And is preferably clean.

It’s possible that they were at work & left to pay their respects but had to go back to work. I’d be happy they made the effort to attend

The OP didn't mean a hair piece as in hair! She already explained that.
@Wheelchairbarbie i completely agree with you. In my view, it is simply a sign of respect and I am quite shocked at the amount of peoplewho seem to not be bothered by this.
I'm also in my mid 30s so wouldn't consider myself as old-fashioned, but according to MN, it seems I am!

I don't blame you for feeling hurt and that your dad was disrespected, but try to push it out of your mind. Concentrate on the good memories of your dad and look after yourself. X