To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

So what you’re saying is that some people took it upon themselves to dress like utter trash to the point it was disrespectful. Op is upset and now you’re blaming the op for being upset about it. A bit like victim blaming really isn’t it! Disgraceful on your part!

She is understandably upset. What I was trying to say was that she might be causing herself unnecessary anguish by taking offense when none was intended. But naturally, it’s her decision.

So @maxslice thats how you felt. Can you not imagine that someone else might feel differently? If the op is upset, she’s upset, as is her right to feel just how she feels? Just like you did. Personally I can remember quite a lot about the details of my father’s funeral, even several decades later. It’s not a grief competition.

If you can remember the grief and shock, why not show a bit of compassion to someone else rather than tell them how you felt so that’s how they should feel. Jeez this thread is unbelievable!

I could not tell you what a single person at my mother’s funeral besides myself was wearing. I was grieving and in shock, and although I remember most of the people who kindly showed up, I’ve no recollection of what they said and could not have, and still don’t give a fried damn on toast, what they were wearing.

You do realise that not all funerals are religious/have religious music?

My husband had faith, so we had a C of E priest officiate. We had no hymns, because he did not like hymns. We had music that was meaningful to him and to the family instead.

Hymns are optional these days.

I disagree. I attend a lot of funerals - unfortunately. I dress appropriately in dark clothes, I pay my respects to the family, I take a condolence card.

I am not religious- I don’t sing and I simply bow my head in respect during prayers. I don’t participate in any of the religious ceremonies.

It’s okay not to sign - it’s not okay to
rock up in flip flops and a Hawaiian t-shirt (unless the bereaved family has requested this)

But. In my opinion, people should have some knowledge of hymns. They should be able to be able to get through singing a hymn.
You don't need musical experience to be able to sing a hymn.

Most funerals have something predictable, such as the lord's my shepherd. The words are usually provided.

I think not singing hymns is right up there with not knowing what is acceptable clothing. I suppose it shows how culturally impoverished some people are.

None whose survivors will need me to attend a funeral.

do you not have family and friends?

Think it’s rude not to make an effort to look smart at a funeral OP. Two people did this at my FIL funeral and I did judge them as being there for the free food and booze tbh

No - they are showing respect for the occasion, and for the grieving family, by dressing neatly and suitably, @CitronellaCandles.

Funerals are difficult and distressing for the bereaved family, so the other people attending should be looking to make sure they don’t add to add to that distress and, in my opinion, turning up in dirty, unsuitable clothing has the potential to distress the bereaved family. Why wouldn’t you want to make the day as easy as is possible in the circumstances, for the people who have lost someone very dear to them? Why would you deliberately do something that could cause them more distress?

My musical experience is having sung hymns before. I don't know if it's different if someone hasn't sung a single hymn before or how someone in the Uk would be in that situation, but I think hymns are composed to be predictable for everyone.

And still…. There is a societal expectation that you dress appropriately for both! Not turn up in bloody joggers, flip flops or trainers looking like an absolute slob! Your point has no relevance sorry

It’s not that complicated. At a job interview you are competing against all other candidates to get the role. If it’s a corporate or public-facing job, self-presentation may be more important than other jobs. A funeral is an ordinary community event that involves people taking time out of their day to gather to mark the end of a life, share memories and support the bereaved. It’s a completely different situation to a job interview.

That might be true if you have any musical experience. It is certainly not true for people who don’t.

And the expectation is still there regardless- to dress appropriately. Nothing to do with competition. Theres a time and a place for joggers and flipflops/ trainers and funerals/ job interviews are not one of them. Not sure why it’s somehow different if you’re “competing” for a job! My god some of the excuses people come up with to defend people dressing like they can’t be arsed to get out of bed on this thread. But competing for a job vs not competing at a funeral is a new one! 🤣

No, you don't need to know the tune of a hymn in advance. They are very predictable, using certain chords all the time exactly for that purpose. You can just join in.

You need to know the tune though! Generally sheet music isn’t provided and most people can’t sight-read well even if it was.

"The thing that annoys me is that people don't know a single hymn. They just stand there in silence during hymn singing. Luckily, I come from a family that does know hymns and all sing. I have been to many funerals where I have been the only one singing. "

What? There are no hymn sheets or books provided? You don't have to know a hymn if the words are provided.

Yes I know?

White shirt with black trousers (and tie and blazer if they have one) is fine for men.

That’s very sad. I’ve always thought the same as you. To dress in black. Men always have a shirt and black tie, the women dress eloquently unless a different dress code was otherwise requested by the family.

Interview candidates are competing for a job. What do you imagine attendees at a funeral are competing for — your approval?

There's a certain type of person, often retired, who scans the funeral announcements in the local papers. They plan their diaries around funerals and turn up for the free food. They visit funerals of people that they haven't seen for 20 years.

I met one such person at my father in laws funeral. He had gone to school with my husband and had lost touch decades ago. Decades! He reeled off all the recent funerals that he'd been to. He didnt keep in touch with people, he just attended funerals.

A priest once said to me "Funerals are for the living, not for the dead."

They are to pay your respects, either to the deceased, or their family, or both.

I would have no objection to the funeral with cyclists. I have been to a funeral where the coffin arrived on a motor bike. The deceased had loved motor bikes. Also, I have been to funerals where there was a cavalcade of classic cars and funerals attended by the local football club, wearing their kit. They were all an acknowledgement of the deceased and their interests.

I am pretty gobsmacked that most men don't own a suit nowadays. Men in my family own a variety of suits. However, a dark tie, white shirt and dark trousers are perfectly acceptable. I am amazed, considering how many clothes most women have, that a number of women don't own suitable clothes for a funeral. I thought everyone owned a pair of black trousers. Wrong again.

I would also have no objection to someone arriving in their working clothes, if it was a quick 20 minutes and they were going back to work. To attend the service and reception in paint covered clothes, for a couple of hours, is a bit off. It's fairly normal for folk to say ' sorry, can't stop, gotta get back to work, but I felt I'd got to say my last goodbye '

The thing that annoys me is that people don't know a single hymn. They just stand there in silence during hymn singing. Luckily, I come from a family that does know hymns and all sing. I have been to many funerals where I have been the only one singing. Maybe I will have swing low sweet chariot at my funeral. I have already planned the reception.