To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

When I have lost loved ones my sadness and devastation focussed me on my loss only. I couldn't not have cared or noticed if they were wearing clown suits. Because a significant loss puts trivialities like clothing into perspective.
The fact that they made the effort to come at all is a mark of respect. Nobody has to come. These people took time out of busy lives to come along. Why sit there judging.?

Quite rightly you are still extremely emotional about the loss of your DDad.
My MIL died in April and, like you, I was a little disappointed that a few people- namely her friends from a particular club in her village- arrived casually dressed and seemingly intent on getting pissed at the free bar. They made no attempt to speak to my DH or my SisIL who were struggling with the loss of their Mum. Three of them arrived late and slunk in behind the coffin, to stifled giggles from their friends (these are people mostly in their 70's btw)
Now we are 3 months down the line, we are able to laugh at how awful they were, and can imagine my MIL telling them off in no uncertain terms! Not quite sure how some folks can be so un-intuitive, but at least they came I suppose.
Hope you are ok 💐

I am with you OP, it’s disrespectful.
So sorry for your loss.

Yup that’s right!

Coming in work clothes wouldn’t generally be so bad… Uniform is generally pretty smart. But if you’ve just been clearing a blocked drain, then you should at least leave 5 mins for a quick wash and change! The issue I have is with slobs turning up in their baggy t-shirts and joggers like they’ve just got out of bed…. because god forbid they wore anything that was in the slightest bit not of maximum comfort.

So all these people who were once able to turn up to funerals wearing proper attire and then all of a sudden turned into lazy slobs during covid… are you saying they were once snobs too? Because the lack of effort thing has literally come about since covid. Everyone seemed to be able to make an effort before that. Even those who had come from work!

Something off about this thread.

Fuck knows why I got sucked in.

In your opinion, we had my Mum’s funeral last week and the last thing I (or Mum) wanted was a morbid day, it was a celebration of her life, we laughed and cried and told funny stories and the song we played at the end was Another one bites the dust as Mum always wanted people to leave smiling.

OP, I’m really sorry for your loss. Some people wore black to my Mum’s funeral, others, including close family didn’t (I wore a dress with sunflowers on it) but everyone was smart and had made an effort. I felt I should have perhaps given a bit more direction on clothes but I didn't think about it until it was too late. The last funeral I had been to had said comfy clothes and no black. That wouldn’t have been appropriate for my Mum, she wanted smart but didn’t mind about colour.

Disrespectful scrubbers?

WTF?

Yes, @Ralphinadress - but that doesn’t mean you can or should go to the other extreme and turn up in a grubby t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms!

Wearing an outfit that is tidy and clean, in fairly sombre colours, unless the family have asked people to come in bright outfits, isn’t a massive or unreasonable demand, imo.

Agree. The onus shouldn’t be on the grieving op to babysit lazy assed slobs. Nobody who is grieving and burying their dad should have to worry about stating the dress code for a bloody funeral just to make sure disrespectful scrubbers don’t turn up looking like slobs.

No, just a nation of bloody snobs. Men who have to go back to work in their work clothes and regulars from the pub where her Dad drank who thought enough of him to turn up and bring their wives.

When my friends child died (early twenties) she didn’t want anyone to feel pressured into buying something to wear so she specifically said their presence was more important than their appearance. It was one of the most beautiful services I’ve witnessed and I’ve been to far too many funerals. Lots of younger people might not own a suitable pair of shoes let alone a suit and you also have the problem getting time off work if it’s not an immediate family member. I think maybe you should focus on the turnout of people rather than the dress code, it sounds as though a lot of people turned out and you should take some comfort that he was popular and well liked by so many.

You should no more have to tell people to dress respectfully for a funeral than Tesco should have to tell people to cook raw chicken… My god, have we really turned into a nation of imbeciles!?

They were workmates and other regulars from the pub he drank at, and their wives. A few were distant relatives

These are the people OP was complaining about...her Dad's workmates in their work clothes and regulars from the pub who took time off to come and even brought their wives as a a mark of respect.

I thought it was a given that the general funeral attire is black, slightly formal. But even if not formal, something respectful and classy. Op shouldn’t need to give a “dress code” to people when it’s pretty much well known that certain attire is expected to be worn at funerals. Why should she sod about giving a dress code for all the lazy ass joggers/ jeans/ trainers slobs?

If you’d turn up in a suit to a funeral, you’d turn up in a suit to court. Ditto jogging bottoms and flip flops.

Like I said, work not too bad!

There is however this trend that has been going on since Covid where people feel it’s ok to slob about in trainers/ joggers/ jeans even for special occasions. So some may have come from work, a lot are just following a sheep trend of “dressing down” because it’s “comfy” and “trendy”

Even coming from work, back in the day most people would get changed at work before they left to go to the funeral. Or they would get changed in their car or whatever. Nowadays people can’t seem to use their intelligence to do that. Either that or it’s “let’s follow the rest of the “comfy trend” people because, well, everyone dresses casual nowadays so funerals, weddings etc can be used as an excuse to turn up looking like a complete slob just to be “trendy”.

I think the OP should have issued a dress code - she must have known she was a bit more formal than the usual - it's evident from her first post. Self awareness has been brutally delivered. Maybe it's heads up to all the other posters who feel very strongly about formality and black clothing at funerals, that they should do the people who wish to pay their respects the courtesy of letting them know the dress code beforehand, rather than bitching about them afterwards.

This is the second thread this week complaining about how people have chosen to show their respects to a deceased relative. Every person at that funeral had taken time out of their day to honour the departed. Yes I can understand it would have been better if they had chosen to get dressed up, but it reads a bit like OP wishes they hadn’t bothered coming. A full congregation- regardless of how they are dressed- is a measure of how popular the man was.

Unless otherwise requested, I wear formal and sombre attire to a funeral. It's something I feel fits to the gravity of the occasion and shows respect.

That said, I've noticed here in Germany that people dress less formally at funerals. The last one I attended was in December, it was for a friend of mine, and many people were dressed very casually. Others had work clothes on as they were going straight back after the funeral.

Each to their own, it was good that so many came to pay their respects. The family really weren't paying any attention to who wore what, as far as I know, but nobody stood out as being inappropriate.

Some of the men CAME FROM WORK! OP expected them to bring a change of clothes with them to change into. I mean COME ON.

If they didn't give a fuck, they would not have left work to come, they would not have brought their wives.

Well if they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed in something decent and didn’t feel the deceased person was worth making the effort to dress nicely for what’s the point they came in the first place

What a stupid comment.

If a number of the mourners didn't speak to your mother, you or your siblings it suggests to me that they may not have been to many funerals before. Feeling aggrieved by their 'disrespect' is only hurting you and your memories of your dad's funeral. You can choose to carry on feeling this way or you can decide to remember how many people turned up for him. Do you honestly think someone would go to the bother of attending a funeral unless they felt admiration or respect or affection for the deceased?

I wouldnt be offended by work clothes ie a painter has taken time out of working day to show up. Presumably going back to work after service.

Flip flops, strappy tops, joggers would be more annoying. Even jeans and a smart top with shoes would be ok for me.

“They took time out to come, they paid their respects no matter what their attire. It's about presence, it's not a wedding, there are no photo's. It is showing up, making the effort to come, that's where the respect lies.”

Well if they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed in something decent and didn’t feel the deceased person was worth making the effort to dress nicely for what’s the point they came in the first place. They obviously couldn’t have given a fuck or bothered to put some decent clothes on so why even bother turning up?

Even at weddings a lot of people have stopped making the effort and turn up wearing trainers because “it’s comfy innit” and “nobody dresses up anymore” 🙄