To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

It was a funeral. Of course they knew what to wear.

They may never have been to one before? People are always posting on here asking whether something is appropriate to wear to a wedding.

Absolutely well said.

I think some people see it as a moral failing to not dress smartly at a funeral and some people see it as more of a moral failing to be name calling funeral attendees based on their clothes. I'm more inclined to the second. Especially with some of the language used. Scrubbers, slobs, imbeciles. Vile.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that pain.

Are you Spanish? Last time I saw mantillas being worn for church was when I lived there 40 years ago.

I’d be upset, too @Wheelchairbarbie I consider it respectful to be in reasonably formal clothing for funerals/weddings. My nephews turned up to my fil’s funeral in jeans. Obviously my sil was to blame as they were quite young (maybe they couldn’t afford a new outfit, but school trousers would have done).

At a wedding last week, there were 2 men in shorts and polo shirts. Everyone else had chosen something slightly more (what I considered) appropriate eg trousers and a shirt and tie or a nice dress. I was judging, yes!

I went to the funeral of a lovely family friend and the church was packed.
I had to stand in the entrance of the church at the back because there were so many people there and there was a man next to me in filthy black jogging bottoms and a vest carrying two bags of food shopping from Morrisons and vaping.

People have really lost their sense of occasion and style and seem to ignore the fact that weddings and funerals are the rituals of our lives that we mark and should be approached with respect and effort, otherwise why bother at all?

My cousins turned up to my Grandmother's funeral in faded jeans (the whole family) they looked like they were off to an allotment or something.

They've always been disrespectful shits though.

“I expect we have further to sink as a society, before the pendulum swings back the other way.”

Oh lord I hope it doesn’t sink much further before the pendulum does swing back the other way. I didn’t think it could sink any lower than it has.

“However, others probably had no idea what to wear or gave it very little thought.”

It was a funeral. Of course they knew what to wear. They just couldn’t be arsed because they wanted to follow the “let’s dress down for an occasion where I would be expected to dress nicely just so that I can follow the trend to wear joggers where it’s classed as completely unacceptable to do so”

Didn’t know what to wear? Nah not buying that they didn’t know what to wear for a funeral. Everyone knows.

You are correct in saying that we lost a lot of shared community identity and shared expectations of social rituals, in the UK. We sure have, thanks to those who insist on dressing down everywhere because they’re still stuck in a Covid time warp of circa 2020

I am sorry for your loss op, and I agree with you.
I think funeral clothes are a mark of respect and solidarity in grief with the bereaved family. When I was little and my Dad went to funerals half way through a working day, (when he had to go straight back to work) he wore a black tie and a black armband over his suit jacket to signify both those things.
I have trained my children how to dress for funerals and I never wear colour unless asked for specifically by the family. Black is the absence of colour, and for the same reason in some cultures white is the shade of mourning. Dark grey is acceptable , navy at a push, a white shirt.
Obviously it’s hard in the heat but it’s not that difficult to borrow something if necessary, most people have something black.

Sadly it’s just a reflection of the general collapse in standards in society, and I agree that its disrespectful not to dress appropriately at a funeral.

Anything goes these days, you only have to read threads on Mumsnet to see that for a lot of people there are few limits to what is acceptable in public (the recent wedding thread where the OP’s friend was giving oral sex behind a toilet is an example of this). I expect we have further to sink as a society, before the pendulum swings back the other way.

Sadly I've lost count of the number of times immediate family are wearing jeans and trainers. I understand some people want colour at the funeral but where everyone else is wearing smart clothing, jeans seem disrespectful. This week the weather has been hot but a Hawaiian shirt and bright shorts...

They sound like site workers if they are covered with paint. Office workers might have appropriate facilities to change but manual workers don’t. I’d love to see my Dh put a shirt on over his work clothes, he’s usually covered in all sorts and would look ridiculous.

We've lost a lot of shared community identity and shared expectations of social rituals, in the UK, especially around mourning culture. Hence why many people are opting for direct cremation, because they no longer see funerals as important or necessary.

Whereas in Irish Catholic culture and Caribbean funerals for example, there is much more of a shared expectation around dress code, ritual and mourning etiquette.

You interpreted their behaviour as disrespectful because they dressed so informally and many people would agree with you. However, others probably had no idea what to wear or gave it very little thought.

Personally I think these kind of things are important and you are not being unreasonable to be upset, although of course grief is making everything much worse and you are in a vulnerable place. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

Any funeral i go to people are dressed in what I would describe as smart casual, not necessarily black but usually sober, modest, conservative sorts of clothes. I was astonished when my sister's family arrived at mum's funeral in brightly coloured shorts and t shirts, they looked like they were going to the beach! And no its not what mum would have wanted, she was very elderly when she died and a stickler for tradition.

I agree

Cop on, they are on site and you want them to bring a bloody shirt and tie and trousers to a site to change into into the hour they are taking out of their working day to go pay their respects for a workmate who has passed. You grow up.

They came, they paid their respects and they went back to work.

OP however has let her father's funeral be marred by being upset because people did not wear what she deemed appropriate! Imagine that. Being so angry at that instead of being delighted at a full church of people who took the time to come and who obviously liked her dad. Beggars belief.

100%

You've said that the scruffier people were work mates and people from the pub. I think this is the key thing. Where im from extended family, close friends and 'funeral party - close family' would be dressed very smartly and in black. But more distant friends, aquantances, friends from work and pub etc. would usually be fine and wouldn't be judged to just come as they are/less smart. Remember these friends are not entitled to compassionate/bereavement leave from work etc.so will be coming in their work day/coming in between their other plans and maybe can't afford a special outfit. I think you have to accept that these people (who sound like they aren't direct relatives or particularly close friends) went out of their way to attend and pay their respects which is really lovely and I think that means something whatever they are wearing. I think in time you may realise that. Also it has been extreme weather.

Condolences for your loss. So sorry you are hurting.

But not the case in the UK Catholic or Protestant where it's weeks

I think this changes the meaning for the better. People took time out of their working day to come to the funeral, which suggests the person meant a lot to them.

Yes, if you turn up to a funeral unwashed and unkempt, in your baggy and grubby t-shirt and jogging bottoms, then scrubber is the appropriate word.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I totally get where you're coming from @Wheelchairbarbie My lovely uncle died a couple of years ago and my sister for some unknown reason rocked up in leggings and a fleece. We are both in our 50's so not from the casual generation and I was absolutely mortified. The rest of the congregation were dressed traditionally and I still can't fathom what her thinking was !

I'd like to think the dead wouldn't judge someone on their clothes.

Death is quite morbid; black is appropriate for a funeral. 'The New Thing' is trite.

Oooh they ✨CAME FROM WORK✨

So what??

It takes minutes to put a button down shirt over whatever you have on, or whip it off, and change your work trousers into smarter ones. It doesn't have to be a three piece suit and tie, just something more appropriate than work clothes. It's not hard.

And of course they should take something to change into. Because they are going to a funeral that day, and people take what they need for the day they are having. What's so unreasonable about that? They'd take gym clothes if they were going to the gym on their lunch break, like many do, would they?

I don't care if they are hot or uncomfortable. It's an hour, tops. Grow up.

If they truly give that much of a shit, they should stop thinking of their own comfort and convenience and put the people who are going through the shittiest time of their lives first. And show some respect.