To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

I was enormously grateful to the people who came to my dad's funeral and the sentiments they expressed to me - I don't recall what anyone wore, it wasn't important but it is for some and they should let people know rather than this bitching and name calling after the event.
Manners are not on display here - calling people who went out of their way to attend a funeral as lazy slobs scrubbers, imbeciles, disrespectful shits, vile and chavs amongst other things, apologies if I've missed out your chosen insult to the people who made an effort to attend - I'll put it down to grief as the excuse.

I’m sorry this as upset you and I’m surprised that people turned up like that. I’ve been to my fair share of funerals and never know people to turn up dressed like that. Mostly catholic funerals but a few non catholic ones and have only ever seen someone in a pair of blue jeans once but at least they were clean.

I wouldn’t wear a head piece but then I wouldn’t wear one to a wedding or the races etc. I would never always wear something smart and black to a funeral unless the family particularly asked people not too.

All you can do now is take comfort from the fact that people at least turned up to pay their respects to your Dad, even if they didn’t dress appropriately, otherwise you are going to get yourself down.

I would be glad they found the time / took time off to come. I am always over dressed for funerals - not in black but I have a specific emerald green dress I wear. But others come in jeans. I live abroad where funerals are far more casual than I knew growing up in the UK. Turning up and paying respects is far more important than how they dress.

I am so sorry for your loss.

On the whole funeral are a sombre affair/celebration of life, funerals can mean different things to different people and will vary due to circumstances.

There's a big difference between a 98 year old dying quickly, painlessly after a long fullfilling life than a child dying after a serious illness/ accident for example.

That's why opinions are so mixed and people will have different views to mine.

I'm Irish and think our funerals are typically a mix of both - a deep and profound loss yet couplee with a celebration of life where the eulogy focuses on the person, fond memories and the most things that will be missed.

Grief is hard no matter what.
Very little makes it any better.
No one intends to disrespect anyone.

And me.

I've gotten changed in pub toilets/the car when I've had a long drive and had to have nice uncreased clothes for funerals and interviews etc. If you are at work, i really isn't a case of either turn up or look smart. It is possible to show respect for an hour or so to mark the passing of someone and do both. Even if it is hot.

This was a funeral for her dad. She can feel however the hell she wants to feel.

How can you police that, anyone can show up to a funeral.

I agree OP. I attended a funeral last month and was shocked at the number of people in jeans and T-shirt. The deceased was a rocker so I would have expected maybe some appropriate band shirts and leathers, but some of the guests were just not suitable. I was not quaffed to the nines as was hottest day in june but I wore suitable black dress, shoes and bag. Also, when I realised my intended dress had a stain on it 5 minutes before my taxi picked me up, I managed to grab an equally suitable one from the wardrobe.

Your post made me tear up, the part about the school uniform. How lovely the children wanted to be there and that the school allowed them to miss school to be so.

Sorry for your loss 🌷

“Not everyone sees clothes as a sign of respect.”

Funny that, because go back 10 years before the joggers slob trend and I’m pretty sure the huge majority of people used to turn up wearing the appropriate sort of attire for a funeral as a sign of respect

If they cared enough to be there, and they had to put something on when they got dressed in the morning anyway, it doesn't seem like that massive a reach to suggest they could have reached for (or packed to change into later) one of the smarter items in their wardrobe. It's hardly the twelve labours of Hercules.

Oh the irony of that first sentence. 🙄

Sigh.

Life with your loved ones is a ‘celebration of life’. A funeral is a formal occasion to say goodbye and grieve collectively. Wearing somber clothing distinguishes that. Wearing a sombrero turns it in to a party which defeats the whole point.

Some people don't think about clothes in the same way. Not everyone sees clothes as a sign of respect. I really feel for you, because I do think dressing nicely for a funeral is important, and a sign of respect, and I think I would also feel quite upset in your position... but I don't think it will do you any good to assume their casual attire meant they didn't care about your dad. You'll feel much better if you give them the benefit of the doubt.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Views on funeral attire vary widely as the thread demonstrates.

Nobody (or next to nobody) turns up at a funeral with the intention of upsetting the deceased's family.

They may be many reasons for it but it wasn't intentionally disrespectful. It might have felt that was put if people didn't care, they wouldn't have attended.

Losing a parent is shit and it's hard because nobody intented to disrespect your father.

My Dad's funeral was at the start of the year and I barely noticed what a lot of people were wearing. We asked for traditional funeral clothes, but we or our Dad didn't really care, he was just the sort of person who would dress smart for a funeral, so thought it might be nice others did for his. Not everyone dressed in black or suited up and I didnt get upset, I was just moved so many people came.

I would maybe expect immediate family and pall bearers might make more of an effort, but colleagues and old friends less so, especially if they were coming from work and going back. If they were there, they obviously cared, so I'd focus on that.

I think some people see it as a moral failing to not dress smartly at a funeral

Yep. That would be me. I'm some people.

Issue a dress code? When did it become normal to wear joggers for a funeral?
Dress smartly and/or in black does not constitute a 'formal than usual' funeral!

Unless a special request (wear red/football team colours), are people really so thick/self-centred/lazy they need to be told what to wear for life events like this???

Was this in the UK? I have been to a great many requiem masses and I’ve not seen anything like that since I was a small child (and that was a very trad church).

Funerals do not need to be morbid and sombre to be respectful - they are also a celebration of the life. Its very common for people to request no-black, casual clothes, colours etc because that was the preference of the deceased and that results in shifting customs. Funeral are different from when I was a child, that doesn’t make them worse. I wouldn’t expect people in grubby clothes but for the rest - I cared more about people taking the time to be there than what they were wearing (which I’d struggle to remember).

They cared enough to be there. I can’t remember after 15’years who wore what to my dad’s funeral.

So sorry for your loss OP. My dad died suddenly last year and it utterly devestated our family, I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. I remember feeling like i had been turned inside out and so sensitive to everything. I hope the people who came to the funeral were not meaning to be disrespectful, but I understand why you would feel as though they were. Take care of yourself OP x

a man next to me in filthy black jogging bottoms and a vest carrying two bags of food shopping from Morrisons and vaping.

Yuck!! 🤮 What is wrong with people?

Exactly. Not everything is a trend.

Op, my parents were actively anti Christian. I didn’t attend any kind of church service until I was about 20. Fewer and fewer young people have ever been to a church - and many of those that have have been to family services where casual clothing is absolutely fine.

if you’d asked me at 18 what was appropriate to wear to a funeral I would have known that it was black but had no idea about the other requirements people are talking about - heels, make up, jewelry.

I now sing with my local C of E church and we are asked to sing at a fair few funerals.

I’ve still never heard of or seen people wearing veils at any sort of church service (except wedding) and I don’t know what a mantilla is.

it is genuinely quite likely that as more and more people grow up with limited experience of church, and especially with the trend towards bright colours rather than black people do not know what to wear,

they think of their friend’s service at the crematorium where maybe he requested bright colours, they think about church services generally where there’s no requirement to dress up.

i wear sandals and very light maxi dresses to church in this weather and I’d wear the same for a funeral. It would genuinely never occur to me to me that sandals or visible shoulders could be seen as disrespectful

It sounds like your Dad's funeral was really well attended which must bring you some comfort.

I went to a funeral last week. I had shopped for it as I had nothing smart and black. I bought shoes, a long black skirt and a black top but in the heatwave it was just too much and I wore a dark dress with a floral pattern I already owned instead.

I think a lot of people there had been influenced by the excessive heat and so wore things that were more strappy that they would have usually for a funeral.

I'm sure the service was lovely and I would try not to get distracted too much by what people were wearing.

I first attended a funeral when I was 9. I knew what to wear because my parents had taught me. Everyone knows what to wear at a funeral. There’s such a thing as google if you really have no idea how ti dress for a funeral.

And no I’m still not buying it. It’s the same with people who purposely go out of their way to wear trainers or crocs at a wedding. They know full well what the dress code should be. But let’s carry on following a trend that is soooooo 2020.

I’m sorry about your dad.

I know how you feel, somehow I often feel like I’m out of tune or old fashioned but I’m in my early 40’s and I would still wear something formal and black for a funeral unless explicitly instructed otherwise by the family.

There’s an increased casual attitude in all the things we wear but I find it particularly disrespectful at events like weddings and funerals. To me, how you dress is part of paying that respect, to the deceased and to the family as you are signalling that you cared enough not only to turn up but to dress appropriately for the occasion.

People always say on here it doesn’t matter what you wear, that the family will just be pleased you turned up. I did clock what people wore and I still remember my cousin turning up to my grandad’s funeral years ago in jeans and trainers and it still bloody annoys me.