To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

@Wheelchairbarbie did many of them go back to work afterwards?

Every time there is a "what to wear to a funeral" thread on here there a posters who claim it doesnt matter (colour/ level of formality) and that the important thing is to show up. Pretending that clothes dont mean anything.
It's similar with weddings

At my brother's funeral last year, only 4 people turned up. He was unmarried and didn't have a social circle. I wouldn't have minded what they wore tbh but I wish more people would have turned up.

I agree. I would simply be pleased that they took the time to attend the funeral instead of criticizing what they wore.

I'm not in the UK and while a family member might get as dressed up as OP for a funeral it's not normal attire at all.

Sorry for your loss OP, but you are focusing on something which really doesn't matter.

I’m sorry for your loss @Wheelchairbarbie and I’m sorry about some of the replies you are getting to your post. Mumsnet seems to be getting more and more contrary with posters seemingly willing to argue black is white for the sake of it.
I always wear black smart clothes to a funeral and would expect others to do likewise as a mark of respect to the family of the deceased as well as the person who passed away. It’s a long established tradition and with clothes being fairly cheap and black being readily available, within the reach of most adults.

But you will find there are numerous posters who claim that nobody notices what anyone else wears. Contrast this with a wedding guest thread where you will be judged for wearing the wrong colour dress (no white, no red, no florals on a white ground, not the bridesmaids colours etc) which apparently everyone will notice. The inconsistency is huge.

The OP has not expressed anything even verging on ‘profoundly unpleasant’ - she’s said she was upset that’s all. Can you please point to what she’s said that has made you feel justified in attacking a grieving woman in this way?

Even if she had been unpleasant - she is as you said grieving, I wonder what your excuse is?

There seems to be a bit of a trend for going "tough love" on bereaved people in general these days. Seen it alot on threads where anyone struggling with their grief is expected to suck it up, not be needy in anyway and never commit the sin of inducing compassion fatigue in their nearests and dearests. Just an observation.

The OP didn’t use any of those terms though, so I’m not sure why you feel you need to ‘excuse’ her for anything? She was saddened and disappointed and that’s all she’s said.

It's that they came to pay their respects that matters not what they wore. Sorry for your loss.

I'd hope that no one who called friends,family and workmates scrubbers got anywhere near a funeral for anyone I'd lost.

I have a black dress I bring out for funerals. I think it just shows a bit of respect.

Some people are truly vile. To kick a grieving woman who has just lost her father when she is already down anyway, trying to make her believe she ruined her own father’s funeral by focusing on just how disrespectful those who turned up looking like they couldn’t be arsed to be there, just shows what sort of cruel people we have in society.

I have read the whole thread, so apologies if something similar has already been said.

I lost my dad unexpectedly a couple of months ago, too, and it can be really hard to separate the grief from losing him from the upset at other, much less important things. I fixated on a couple of toxic guests at his funeral who made shitty comments and really got more upset and angry about it than it warranted, but I can see that, actually, I was just very sad, and that was the root of how I reacted.

It might be that people didn't dress up in the way you expected, but they did make the effort to be there and pay their respects, and maybe you need to give yourself the space to be okay with that. What they were wearing (or not wearing) is just a distraction, and it doesn't diminish him or the loss you are feeling.

I think if you can step back from this specific annoyance and give yourself time to grieve for him without focusing on what other people are doing or feeling, it might be easier. The grief does get better slowly, but it's bloody hard, so tune out the stuff that doesn't really matter and be as kind to yourself as you can be. xx

Hi op, sorry for the loss of your dad ❤️ I lost my dad last year, I’m a bit younger than you and I was honestly so heartbroken that I couldn’t tell you what people were wearing. I do think you’re focusing a lot of your energy on this rather than appreciating that people took the time to come to pay their respects to your dad and missed time off work etc. it could be the grief making you hyperfocus on this but on the other hand I personally always wear black to a funeral unless otherwise stated and would always be clean and well presented for a funeral- so I do kinda understand in that respect xx

Jesus h Christ @CitronellaCandles have you had a really bad week or something? I cannot imagine for a moment what on earth happened to you to make such a truly horrible post.

I think the crux of the matter is that most people used to hear "funeral" and had a general grasp of what funeral attire meant. I'm not opposed to the tailoring of a funeral to the deceased and their relatives preferences if stated, by any means. But if it's a funeral with no dress code specified, somewhat formal, somewhat sombre, and definitely with an element of grooming is just a safe and respectful standard.

Office wear slots into that, generally. Work uniforms / tradesmans attire because it is a break in their day, also understandable. People not constrained in that way who go ultra casual I think is a shame. A funeral is a formal occasion. I really am not getting why this is so hard to grasp.

At my dad's funeral, 40 years ago, I pointed out to my (ghastly) mother that he loved to see us looking our best and would have been horrified to see us dressed in black. He had also very, very strongly indeed expressed a wish to be cremated without religious ceremony, but little sis and I were never going to win that one for him. So he ended up with a CofE vicar in the crem. He was (nominally) a Welsh Baptist.

Anyway, the 5 people who attended (everyone else having been told that it was happening, but also that he didn't want a bloody funeral) all looked very nice in their brightest summer clothes. The highlight of the occasion was that the vicar referred to him throughout by his first name, which he had never used. My sister and I wept tears of laughter, knowing how much he would have enjoyed that. Yes, we are clearly awful, awful people.

They really don’t.

Sorry for your loss, it's an incredibly difficult time and you tend to notice things that wouldn't normally upset you.

One of my inlaws turned up to a funeral with a black mesh cardigan that had printed cannabis leaves all over it. The person who's funeral it was was very old school traditional. It was eyebrow raising.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I just want to say how utterly disrespectful of people to not even try and dress smartly for such an important occasion xx

How insulting to the op to say she ruined her own father’s funeral! She did not ask these people to turn up looking like they couldn’t be arsed to get dressed properly and like they just rocked up to the funeral straight from getting out of bed.

I’ve been at weddings where some men turned up in suits- fair enough, they aren’t cheap- that were very old and tatty. But it’s a wedding so they’re wearing a suit, as is the expectation. They’d have been smarter in their work or ‘going out’ clothes.
I’ve also been at funerals where people wore hoodies or sports clothes, and, particularly fr regular churchgoers, this could be viewed as too casual. Some people just don’t own formal outfits.
I hope you can take some comfort that they’ve come along and wanted to pay their respects. But I can understand if you are traditional in your views, the outfits could feel disrespectful to the family and your dad.
I am sorry for your loss. 💐

Me too.

If the family want a celebration of life, bright or casual clothes etc, or the deceased themself specified in advance, then that’s one thing.

We absolutely did not want that for my mum’s funeral. The funeral is for the people left behind, and what we wanted was a day to be sad, to say goodbye and to grieve together with others who knew and loved her. She was always beautifully, and appropriately dressed, and would have wanted people to be so at her funeral. Luckily, most were (it was before COVID which is when I think the idea that it was ok to wear lounge/ sports wear for basically every occasion really took hold) but some came in jeans or just everyday scruffy clothes and I remember being shocked and yes, a little offended.

You can say ‘would you rather they didn’t come’ but no, I’d rather they came appropriately dressed and I don’t see why they couldn’t be bothered to do that.

Like OP, I always dress smartly for funerals. Most people I know do and I refuse to believe there’s many people above the age of, say, 25 that done realise that’s the societal norm.

Im sorry for your loss @Wheelchairbarbie

Well it might be or not. A formal funeral traditionally needs tidy clothes in black or a dark colour but agreed, the rules are relaxing. The family might say wear colour or no black.
A celebration of life is a different thing, often much more relaxed with a colorful dress code.
OP, it’s good that the friends of your father came.