To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

Of course it would be nice if people made an effort with their appearance, but they thought enough of your Dad to come to his funeral - and to be fair that counts for a lot these days (sad times, I know)

They didn't come to the funeral to be judged on their attire, they came because your Dad was special or important to them and maybe, that was all the effort they could muster, whether you agree or disagree with their decision

So sorry for your loss 💐

Exactly.

I wonder what all the ‘you should just be glad they came, it’s not important’ people would tell their partners or friends or adult children if they showed them their planned funeral outfit of skimpy dress, flip flops and messy bun, or paint stained joggers and scruffy t-shirt. Would you honestly say ‘yes, go ahead, all that matters is that you’re there’ or would you say ‘hmm, do you not have something a bit smarter? I think the family might prefer it if you could wear something more funeral-appropriate’??

And it’s bloody patronising telling the OP what does and doesn’t matter, what should and shouldn’t upset her right now. If you’ve lost a parent or experienced a comparable grief you’ll know that it’s WILD the things that can upset you - it doesn’t mean OP is going to carry this to her own grave with her, or enact some kind of terrible vengeance. She’s allowed to be upset, it’s ok if this matters to her right now.

This issue of dress is one of the 34,087 reasons I will not be having a funeral. I will have a no service cremation.
To be fair, there is nobody who will need emotional support after my death and I have no religious beliefs.
My half brother was known for his fun BBQs and asked men to wear Hawaiian shirts and ladies to wear bright colours to his funeral. The funeral was a real celebration of his life and there were loads of laughs.
Each to their own.

People are being unnecessarily contrary (and really quite nasty) about this.
"Dress smartly for funerals" isn't a niche or archaic social rule, and it's been the standard at every funeral I've ever been to, even if wearing black wasn't required.

That doesn't mean that there could never be exceptional circumstances, or that you should be kicking people out the church, but I'd be quite hurt myself if people turned up to one of my parents' funeral having obviously not thought it was worth making an effort for.

That's why most Irish people have smart dark clothing already in their wardrobe.

My favourite inappropriate Court dress story is when the Legal Adviser suggested to the defendant he went to the Gents, took his t-shirt off, tuned it inside out and put it back on before returning to the Court. He was up for possession of cannabis and the very obvious logo on the shirt was.....a cannabis leaf 🙄

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Some people are honestly just bizarre. I met a lady at a very sad funeral (the person died relatively young and suddenly) and she showed up wearing extremely loud bright colours. Which is fine if that’s the brief, but everyone else was in black and his widow and daughter were still inconsolable. Then this woman preceded to tell me a long story about how she knew the deceased through her brother, who was also now deceased but had stolen their mother’s house. And all I said was a passing “hello, how did you know X?”

It’s disrespectful and bizarre but that’s some people for you. Again, I’m very sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss OP. I lost my Dad unexpectedly a couple of years ago when I was also your age. I would feel the same as you I think - I would always make the effort to look smart and would expect others to as well, whatever smart looks like for them.

I gently would add that this will be feeling really sensitive for you right now, and the bigger picture is that those people did all come to show their love and respect for you, and to support your family. I can still remember who did and didn’t message, and who did and didn’t come to my Dad’s funeral. When it matters so so much to you those things can cut deeply.

I hope you’re doing okay, losing a parent is awful and your Dad sounds like a wonderful man.

Hi im sorry for your loss OP . I can relate actually. A few people turned up to my mums funeral not in black . It still annoys me now. It's a small thing that people can do to show respect and solidarity with the greiving family, as well as showing a level of respect to the deceased . As if to say of course they are worth the effort of doing something different. To the person who said black is a morbid colour , of course it is . It's not supposed to be a happy, colourful occasion, it's a funeral .
Unless of course the deceased wishes were to wear a particular colour then i would understand.
Again , so sorry for your loss .

As I said, I wasn’t trying to do that, but I accept it came across that way since I’d missed the OPs post saying her dad would have been disappointed. Apologies for that.

I didn’t think this was posted in bad faith, for what it’s worth.

The OP is understandably very upset and I don’t think they’re going to get much solace in this thread. Inevitably some people will think what matters is that people came and others will think the attire was disrespectful.

Op knows her own dad though so when she says he had standards and that she was also brought up with standards, why go telling her how you think her dad would have reacted to the way people were dressing at his own funeral. Only op knows her own dad.

These are facts. One thing doesn’t mean the other thing. I could have couched it in hypothetical terms instead ‘just because someone has standards they hold themselves to doesn’t mean they hold others to the same standard’. The OP told us about one of those things and not the other, so when she pulled up other posters for ignoring her comment about how he had standards she appeared to be conflating the two.

I was genuinely trying to help having seen the OP express frustration at people ignoring that sentence, by explaining why people wouldn’t automatically make the link.

I also tried to make a kind comment. I don’t know why people are treating me like I’ve acted in bad faith.

You said this “He had standards he held himself to, but that doesn’t mean he’d have applied them to others or stood in judgement of them.”

That was you literally trying to explain op’s own dad to her. Do you think you know him better than his own daughter?

I think it's very personal. I would just be happy that people made the effort to come and sympathise, but Irish funerals are quite casual. If you feel upset though, that's how you feel.

Sitting in quiet solidarity with you x

I wasn’t trying to, I was explaining the difference between what other posters were saying and what you said they were missing from your post.

They showed up and that’s what means the most. My mums funeral was packed and that meant everything to me. I didn’t notice anyone’s clothes.

OP I think people just have no idea what's appropriate any more. I would always wear black to a funeral unless I knew for certain that a different dress code were in place.

My mum is dying right now and wants people to wear what they are comfortable in when she dies. I would prefer people dressed smartly but I'll respect mum's wishes of course. It's typical of her that she would be thinking of others.

Hmm. That was her coat for the occasion, presumably. While I'd wear a special dress for a wedding, I wouldn't splash out on a new coat and my normal summer jacket is a denim one so I may well be in a denim jacket for a wedding. I don't think it's comparable.

He had standards he held himself to, but that doesn’t mean he’d have applied them to others or stood in judgement of them.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope in time you will feel some comfort from knowing these people cared about your dad enough to come and pay their respects and reminisce together.

Is it possible that they didn't know about the funeral until the last minute.

Someone who worked at my office husband died. She had been off whilst he was ill. He died and she let someone know at the office when the funeral was. This was meant to be shared but it wasn't. A colleague and I found out on the day and wanted to pay our respects, so literally left the office and went straight to the crematorium and then went back to work straight after the service. Our work colleague was so touched that we turned up, and luckily didn't mind that we were not in funeral attire.

Was your dad a fairly relaxed chap op? Or was he always quite smart? I wonder if his friends just thought he wouldn’t mind.

I’ve occasionally gone to a funeral in my work uniform if I’m short on time but want to pay my respects.

Im really sorry for your loss.