To be upset at how many people turned up to my dad's funeral in casual clothes?

@OneElatedOpalDuck I am sorry that your friend's funeral was such a traumatic experience for you and for some of her family. I can understand why you would not want to repeat that experience.

However, I think you are wrong to generalise from that and assume that all funerals are unnecessary and a cause of distress. In many cases I believe a funeral can genuinely help the bereaved to feel supported and to see that people cared for and respected the deceased.

As it happens I have just been to my third funeral this year. Today's was absolutely packed. Whilst the family are obviously still reeling from their loss it must be some comfort to them to know how many people liked and wanted to pay their respects to their loved one.

It is nearly ten years since my DM's funeral but I remember how it felt to see so many people, friends and family, who took the trouble to come and it was genuinely nice at the refreshments afterwards to go round talking to people and hear their memories of Mum. There was also a feeling afterwards that we had "given her a good send off" as they say, that she would have approved and been gratified.

I accept that the nature of the bereavement might make a big difference. The death of an elderly parent is sad but no doubt not as heartbreaking as a younger person who should still have had years to go and is leaving a young family or has died before their parents.

You really don't.

I was at a funeral this morning as it happens. Three hymns and I only knew one of them, even though I am familiar with quite a lot of hymns from my school days. It's pretty easy to pick it up as you go along - hymn tunes tend to be easy to sing and predictable so I would have thought even the most unmusical person would have got the hang by the second or third verse.

Yep. I have seen a few football themed funerals. However,it has to agree with what the family wants.

Some lives were defined by their love of football. Other families prefer something more formal. Whatever the family wants is the thing to do.

YABU OP.

People taking time out of their life to come and pay their respects/say goodbye is a beautiful thing and appreciated. Remember for so many that attended your dad wasn't their immediate relative or best friend. For many, he'll have been a mate, a colleague, someone they lost touch with. Yet they still came.

People came to my mum's funeral in all sorts. We didn't specify any kind of dress code. White t shirts, jeans, trainers, and so forth. And it was just so lovely that they came. I can't imagine focusing more on their attire than on their actions.

Grief can make you go a bit crazy at times so it's probably the grief causing you to focus on small, irrelevant factors because it feels too much to try get to grips with what's happened. It's okay to feel how you feel but I wouldn't risk sharing it in real life, it could get back to people and cause ructions. That you'll later look back on and regret. People deserve to be able to come and pay their respects without their clothing choices being criticised.

DH’s pallbearers asked if they could wear football shirts. He’d have been horrified, he loved wearing a suit at any event so I said a gentle no and they were very understanding.

Ridiculous. I sing catholic hymns in catholic church. Something called a hymn book is supplied by all churches.

Do you cover your head when visiting a mosque? I do.

It's called equality and diversity to celebrate all religions.

Please tell me about your religious education and background. I am fascinated by someone who has never been to church and never met a hymn book.
I have also been to Methodist churches and have a friend who is a Mormon. I respect her religion too.

No, first of all, every denomination has its own prefered hymns. And expecting people who practice other religions to have memorized your hymns is the most arrogant, colonial mind set I've ever read.

Op, I hope you are coping during your grieving. I am sure the important thing is that people came along to support you. It has been very hot in the UK, the most important issue is people came along to show their respect for your Dad.

They’d be far more likely as adults to sing hymns if the programmes ( where I live, they are provided with the order of the service) list the chosen hymns by number in the hymn book. So, those with bad memories or
absence of hymnal knowledge can turn to hymn no# 611 or whatever and follow along as best they can, or, if they’re shy or uncomfortable, just stand in dignified silence.

My children attended Mass with us as a family and school was largely secular celebrating a variety of traditions, which taught them that people honor the same things in their own ways, so all good.

Many people on this thread seem like those on another thread who are offended by being given cake.

What stressful, judgemental, unhappy lives they must live. Poor sour things. Let us, those who know how, pray for them,

Even non practising Jews know how to behave at a religious occasion. Ditto Muslims and sikhs.

Most primary schools have an occasional religious assembly. Kids are taught about all religions. Our local primary school celebrates harvest festival, Christmas and Easter. The children give performance for the parents and sing hymns/carols/festive songs. Our local secondary school has regular Christian assembly and church services. It is unashamedly church of England. The non Christian students are expected to attend. However, they also celebrate other religions and religious customs. For example, all students are expected to attend a Hindu assembly. Let's hope that the next generation is being better educated and more respectful than the present one.

My offspring know how to behave in church. I think it's very sad when I see adults who simply don't know how to behave in church, and by extension, anywhere.

I regularly attend church of England and catholic churches. I follow what is expected of me in both churches. It's called respect. I have never attended a synagogue, if I ever did, I would enquire about expectations and try to conform to expectations. Its called respect.

And if they are Jewish or Muslim or Sikh? Or, simply not raised in a religious tradition?

This.

May I ask where you live? Understand if you'd rather not say.

And yes as some have said, its lovely that people turned out for a funeral, took time off work etc but changing from a sloppy outfit into a smarter one need only take 5 minutes. Its not a huge ask.

Im sorry for your loss @Wheelchairbarbie xxx

Black is a morbid colour. That is exactly the point. Because people are sad, grieving. Its respectful.
"The new thing" to wear a bright colour is ONLY respectful if the person who has died/their family have requested people wear bright colours.

😅 so true

but they’re also a massive party. Nobody in my family would care what you wore. They’re more bothered about who is coming up next on the karaoke.

This.

Tell me you are not irish without telling me you are not irish😂

Funeral going is a national pastime.

Check out RIP.ie

That will be because none of the people at your mum's funeral turned up looking like a young offender, and not because you were grieving more deeply than op was.

You didn’t even mention the op in your list to that’s not what you said at all. You implied you were too upset to notice, why wasn’t she? Thats what you said and that was unkind.

As usual, mumsnet descends into personal insults and madness

Oh good! At least I don’t have to listen to you bleating on about blaming the op for her own upset! Bye 👋

I’m done with you. Go get material for drama that doesn’t actually concern you from some other source. Plenty of other reasonable people on Mumsnet that you can use to fabricate outrage.

It’s exactly what you were saying. Op hasn’t upset herself. Those disrespectful people upset her. Don’t blame the op for being upset.

That's not at all what I was saying, You're deliberately missing the point so you can work yourself into a snit a snit and feel righteous. I refuse to believe that any of the attendees went out of their way to be malicious and disturb the OP. They may have been inadvertantly rude, or thoughtless, but it's not like they're rubbing their hands in glee and saying, "I guess we showed her!" She is unhappy, but she's not a victim. There are no villains here. Except, possibly you.