AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

Why would he have to go into the bedroom? Surely he would just knock on the door and wait for them to stick their head out

I don't think he'd go in the loo. Usually people lock the door!*

No, I wasn't suggesting he'd go in. If you're sitting on the loo it might be embarrassing for some to proclaim the fact.

Ah, I can see how all that makes dealing with the issue more difficult than it might be for some other people. I'm really not trying to underestimate how a lifetime of that will grind you down and end up with you allowing him to do whatever he wants. It is great you are now trying to work out how to deal with him going up to your daughters' rooms. It seems you are going to have to be very direct and very firm, which I imagine will take some courage. Maybe looking at the bigger picture will help. You will be demonstrating to your daughters that they never have to allow people, especially men, to cross boundaries and they don't have to tolerate bad behaviour because women are expected to be polite and put up with it. And going into private areas of someone's home uninvited is incredibly rude and disrespectful.

He might not take it well and that is too bad. He might even stop coming to your house, which might not be a bad thing at all.

I’m not sure what the issue is.

As you said, they’ve been downstairs and eaten so they know he’s there and so they’re not going to be in their rooms lying around naked.

Whats the difference between them being alone in their bedrooms vs alone in the kitchen?

I’ve always gone upstairs to say bye.
I don’t want to force them to stop doing what they’re doing just to come and say bye.
I’ve never seen anything wrong with it as they know I’m there.

Why not compromise and ask him to call out for them to come outside of their rooms instead of coming downstairs.

Just tell him to stop. Why do you think it would cause offence?

Unless they are under 6 this is fucking weird

Yes, fair enough

That’s because the OP worded the question as a general question - is it ok first uncles (as in any uncle) to go upstairs. And yes most people will say not a problem.

Then comes the fact he was a bully etc…a very different situation. Let alone the fact posyers often reply to, the OP and don’t read all the updates first.

@PeoplesNet you’ve made a lot of assumptions there. @Unconvinced8768 never said her daughters were uncomfortable with this arrangement, only that she is. Also she never said the daughters were in bed, she said they were in their rooms after lunch, nothing to do with bed time.

Good points. Always good to have boundaries.

@Unconvinced8768 the isdue is not with your brother going upstairs to say goodbye. That’s a pretty normal thing to do.

The issue is the fact you dint trust him after he spent years bullying you as a child.
The issue is that yr dds are uncomfortable around him. Why? Does he knock on the door before entering! Does he wait for an answer or does he just barged in? What else is going on?

I mean even the idea that ‘he is socially awkward’ sounds wrong to me - like something you’ve been told before ‘oh don’t take his behaviour the wrong way. He is just awkward. He doesn’t mean any harm’ - because being awkward and a bully don’t sound compatible to me.

So yes the answer to your question about an uncle going upstairs to say goodbye is YABU but him, as a person, I feel there is more to look at and I suspect YANBU about him imposing himself like this. Two different questions iyswim

I agree, this is a good summary. It's not necessary to go up to the bedrooms, it's not even a consideration, just shout upstairs, that is what we do.

I think you're getting really unusual responses and I wonder if another poster is right that we've been infiltrated by large numbers of men. A normal response I'd expect on here is:

a. Do not ignore your gut feeling! Then someone will link to The Gift of Fear (it is actually a great and very useful book!)
b. Boundaries are important and your brother is trampling all over yours/your girls boundaries and this is unacceptable.
c. If they don't have a close relationship it is weird to want to go into their bedrooms, and I can think of many reasons why this is not appropriate.

I think it's strange that so many people are referencing their super safe uncle or brother rather than recognising that you know your brother well and none of us do! If this situation is uncomfortable for you and your girls then you definitely need to stop it. You are not being at all unreasonable so don't let others convince you that you are.

My upstairs is always really messy so I'd be like, nah don't it's a state upstairs and shout him down. (my eldest is almost 16, i do not tidy his bedroom, and hes gets embarrassed by his mess)

But I don't think twice about shouting up / going up to say goodbye to my older nephews - they are 10 & 12 so just reaching the anti social stage where they say hello and then leave to go do their own things upstairs, I like to just check in, I'm off now, your good though yeah? Text me if you need me.

I love them and I'd feel gutted if my brother thought I was a threat in anyway.

I don't think he'd go in the loo. Usually people lock the door!

I’m really just trying to work out if it’s normal for extended family members to go to a teenagers bedroom to say goodbye or not

In this house and any of those of family members it would be normal to shout upstairs "right, I'm off now!". If no response from upstairs, one would say "I'll tell X you said goodbye"

I mean, who's to say they're not in the loo or halfway through getting changed?
I don't think it's exactly 'weird' for him to go upstairs but, thinking about it, it's a bit unnecessary - shouting up is much more the norm.

Just say no I'll shout them down, end of, problem solved.

Yep just call up to come down and say bye.

Well it’s completely normal if he sticks his head around the door and says ‘Right I’m off now Charlotte, good to see you, good luck with that exam on Tuesday, hope Mum treats you to those trainers after all your hard work! Bye then! See ya soon! Cheerio!’

But if he goes in without knocking and sits on her bed and picks up her dirty knickers from the floor and asks if she’s got a boyfriend then I can understand your concern.

I usually have to go into my teenage nephews’ bedrooms to say goodbye because if they’ve got their gaming headphones on, they can’t hear me shouting up from downstairs!

However we are very close and they are perfectly happy with me coming into their rooms. It’s never been an issue in our family, but I understand boys can feel very differently about privacy at this age to girls.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume that a male relative is doing something weird by wanting to say goodbye to his nieces. Their bedrooms should be private spaces, of course, but it’s not inherently weird for a relative to pop their head round the door of a teenager’s bedroom to say goodbye.

However, if you feel weird about it and your daughters feel weird about it, then it shouldn’t be happening. I would say, though, that if you feel weird about your brother being alone with your daughters even for just a few moments, then you’ve got bigger problems and he shouldn’t be in your house at all.

Go with your instincts. You are uncomfortable with it and so are they. It’s your home and their home, not his. If he cannot respect that, he cannot come over.

The kids bedrooms are their private spaces, if they don't like him going in to say bye then he doesn't go.

Just yell up to the daughters that Uncle is going home .

I had this with fil years ago. The girls said they didn’t like it as he just walked straight into their rooms, and that they’d prefer it if I called them down. So I told him not to go upstairs as they didn’t like it, but to shout them down instead. He did look annoyed but I’m going to prioritise my girls feelings over those of a man. Also if he continued to do it then he’d be walking into their rooms unannounced when they’re teens and possibly getting changed. I have never done this in anyone’s house as bedrooms are a private space.