AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

Why?

He's their mother's brother, a brother who bullied her as a child. He's at the house once a month and they eat with him. Why on earth can't they say goodbye as they leave the table? What is the necessity to drag then out of their bedrooms, never mind to say goodbye to a man their mother is afraid to stand up to?

I'm so sick of girls still being taught that they need to be nice to abusive and manipulative men.

This OP, it's all it needs. Spell it out to your brother. If he's offended then that's on him!

Ooh no, just seen this update, that is not a good dynamic at all. You definitely need to talk to him to stop him doing it. Otherwise you’re giving your girls the message that what a man wants to do take precedence over whether they like it or not.

I don’t open bedroom doors either. If it’s open I’ll poke head in but if not I’ll just call through Walton style.

Don’t see anything weird about it but then they should come down. If you want to stop it just call them down (and they need to go down).

Something feels off to you. So stick with that.

The main thing that jumps out is that your DDs don't want him to. That would mean I would stop it.

If he bullied you growing up and you still feel intimated by him you don't need to have him around

I think it's because she asked if it was normal in other families so people are describing what happens in their family and answering in relation to their relatives.

She only went into more detail later on but a lot of people will just respond to the first post.

Obviously, the answer is that it doesn't matter what is normally in other families, if she or her children are not comfortable with something, it doesn't happen.

This. And you need to say it before he is about to leave.

Your house your rules, your children need to know that you will listen to their reasonable request's.

As soon as he has finished eating and drinking, nip up to the toilet and get the children to come down and spend another 10 minutes talking and the they can announce that they are going upstairs to study, finally tidying through all their clothes for the charity shop or any other reason that you can think of and so they can then do the ‘it was lovely to see you Uncle Whatever, see you soon’ thus you cut off the need for him to go upstairs and into their bedrooms.

If he try’s to go after that, directly question why he is going upstairs, don’t allow him to bully you in adulthood.

Just say to him that the girls prefer privacy in their bedrooms and you’ll call them down to say goodbye. You could make a joke about it and say even you are not allowed in!

Maybe if this man makes all of you do uncomfortable, deep down you know that he is a danger to you, like a vast majority of men. It's probably best to stop him visiting at all under the circumstances.

It's fine for him to go upstairs to say goodbye.

It's not fine for him to barge into their bedrooms. He can say goodbye through the door or knock and wait for them to open the door and say goodbye on the doorstep (as it were).

I haven't been in my own son's room for years. It's his space and I wait to be invited in.

I agree with you, OP, and it wouldn’t matter if the relative was male or female. I think anyone in my family would find it intrusive to have an extended family member knock on their bedroom door to say goodbye.

The girls have said they’d prefer it if he didn’t go upstairs.

It doesn’t really matter if anyone thinks it weird or if they won’t be naked upstairs.

It is time to respect the preferences of this girls. And not the preferences of the adult male.

Very bored of hearing about women and girls having to give way to the preferences of others, especially those of men and boys.

It’s great if your DDs feel respected. And that they can assert their preferences. Good.

If you really have those instincts about him then you're a terrible parent for having him near your kids. You don't just get to decide he's ok to be around them in certain situations. So if you are serious about this, then you have to treat it seriously. No one on here can tell you whether you're right or not

OP, trust your instincts. Have a separate word with your daughters about saying goodbye when they go upstairs, and then have a conversation with your brother about not going upstairs. Don't be drawn into conversation about it - your house, your rules. You DON'T have to explain yourself - either on Mumsnet or at home. It's your home, where you feel safe. You make the rules.

Wouldnt have an issue with this, only if my brother was abit creepy and predatory which I think id be able to pick up on. I think its weird of you to think this is weird. Hes just saying goodbye

@Unconvinced8768
How bad was the bullying?
And what is awkward in his behaviour? Can you give us examples?

Read all the OP’s posts.
The brother has been bullying her as a child.
It’s making her dd uncomfortable.
It’s not the fact he is going upstairs. It’s HIM that’s an issue. Him, his behaviour and the fact the OP (with good reasons) doesn’t trust him

FWIW I love how you recognise that teens need their bedrooms as their private space.

However, whenever I have guests I always tell them to tidy their rooms and expect people to come in.

Having their own space doesn’t mean no one can ever go in.

Surely he knocks the door and doesn't just barge in? Can they not just come to the bedroom door, say goodbye then go back in. They don't need to allow him into the room?

But if it bothers them then just call them loudly when uncle is about to leave to come down and say bye. Presumably they will if they don't want him coming upstairs?

Ultimately he either has ill intent or not though. And if I thought he was a perv I wouldn't have him in my house.

If your daughters feel uncomfortable with him coming into their space it is fine to tell him to wait downstairs. Could they lock their doors and then when he comes up he will have to knock. I am sure after one or two times he will take the hint.

If he has always done this, then its a routine and I doubt he thinks anything wierd of it.
But as the girls don't like it, he needs to be told and not do it.
Whether that means saying goodbye to the OP and not the girls or calling up from the bottom of the stairs, will depend on how the brother and the girls respond to the change.

Right. I think if one of the girls was using the toilet she'd probably just be in that space and not respond.

Exactly. Win win.