AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

Oh, are we back in Victorian times? I missed the memo.

Yes, you are so right, it is always a good idea to teach young girls to have no boundaries, to expect no privacy in their own rooms, and to allow any male to push in with what he wants at all times.

You need to have a slightly awkward moment then. Ideally before he's halfway up the stairs. Perhaps when your DDs go upstairs say "I'll call the girls down to say goodbye when you're leaving. We want to practice good manners but also their bedrooms are private space." Then be ready for him leaving and your daughters need to be quick coming down. Be matter of fact, as if it's perfectly natural, because it is.

They’re 14 and 16. They don’t need to “retire to their rooms”. If it’s a family gathering they should be sitting down with the family engaging in conversation, not sitting in their rooms scrolling TikTok.

The only time it would be acceptable is during exams, when all devices should be downstairs so that they’re actually studying.

It’s fine you don’t want him too, but it’s not weird on his part. To suggests he’s invading their privacy isn’t fair when he’s doing something fairly normal. However, if they prefer not to, that’s also fine. Beat him to it, shout up that he’s leaving (frame it as you want them to be polite, they’ve got lazy with manner with guests, so the brother doesn’t feel awkward) and pre-warn them that they need to appear straight away!

How is it rude to retire to your bedroom after lunch?

You need to stop letting your daughters be so rude!

Well then as the parent they need to not allow this to happen. Simply say at the beginning - I don't like you going upstairs when my Children are in their rooms.

But the girls don't like it.

the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

And the OP's brother bullied her when she was a teen.

So "completely normal behaviour" has already been bypassed.

He would if they were, my niece has been that old. Seriously this is not a problem dynamic and she loved it and plays rugby and tries to return the favour. He’s super fun uncle and they adore him.

obviously it might be creepy or inappropriate with some uncles. It’s not in our family I’m just saying what the pp asks about ie going upstairs to say bye is pretty normal in lots of families.

YABU to think a relative popping upstairs to say bye is always overstepping or inappropriate. In most families this is completely normal behavior.

If you or the girls are uncomfortable for whatever reason, you should just tell him to stop. That would not be unreasonable.

If you’re too nervous to tell him because of his behavior more generally, that’s pretty concerning and you should reconsider whether you invite him over at all.

This. and if the OP chooses to continue to allow him into her home, then the new boundary needs to be clearly established before he tries to go upstairs. I'd go so far as to say that if he ignores your new boundary, he will be welcome again.....or just ban him anyway....

I am really surprised by the answers here. My brother or sister just would not go up to a bedroom to say goodbye my kids. It’s weird not to ask and to march upstairs in someone else’s house in the first place. We are very close but I still just can’t imagine that happening without some very special reason.

I don’t think it’s usual, though of course I could imagine a situation where you could have that type of super close relationship where it doesn’t feel off. From what you’ve said, that absolutely does not seem to be the case in your situation, OP, and I would shut it down to show your daughters you care more about their privacy than your brother’s (potential) hurt feelings.

Has he always done this, or only since they’ve been teenagers?

YABcompletelyU to think it’s weird. It sounds pretty natural to me for him to go to where they are to say goodbye to them. I hate to think what is in your mind re this.
But if they really don’t like it, why don’t you just say immediately you realise he’s about to leave "I’ll call them down to say goodbye" and do that?

What is your relationship with your brother like now? Do you want to still have a relationship with him and have him in your home or are you being pressured into it?

I would stop inviting him and, if you still want to see him, meet him outside your home and don't bring your daughters.

At best he is a bully and at worst he enjoys barging into his nieces' bedrooms and making them feel uncomfortable.

Yes, he literally said it as he was heading up the stairs. I went after him.

That's what happened this time but you said he makes a habit of it.

How big is your house that when he says he's leaving, you can't immediately call upstairs to your DDs??

Practice anticipating its about to happen and practice what you’re going to say. At a loud
volume if have to. Make it a big and loud “WAIT!” or “STOP!” so that he at least stops and pauses, then call the girls down. (Forewarning them so they don’t ignore.) And just explain simply that the girls don’t want anyone their space.

This absolutely, but also, I don't think its unreasonable for your daughters to say an early goodbye to guests provided its a proper polite goodbye. Its what the late Queen did when she had weekend guests (yes I knew someone who went). I have done it myself when my late DH had friends over but I had to be at work early the next day.

Has your brother's bullying ever been addressed? I mean do you actually want this person in your house at all....and no don't say it would upset other family members.

I think it's strange you think that but in future just ask the girls to be ready for a quick call up the stairs to get them down. He's just got into a habit and it's just about breaking it.

Abusers don’t always present that way. They are often skilled manipulators. I’m not saying that applies to OP’s brother necessarily, but you just never can tell. Most abuse happens in the home with family members.

If he’s a socially awkward, and possibly has dominating personality issues (bully) and doesn’t have a lot of female attention, being close to developing pubescent young women might be a really powerful draw. Why does he even have to go up to their rooms? Most normal blokes wouldn’t be bothered about sulky teenagers - they'd just shout up the stairs. That is a ‘weird, creepy’ red flag in itself.

Are their bedroom doors shut when they are in there? If not, ask them to shut the doors while he is there, and make him to knock to say goodbye (tell him some bullshit about them being girls and needing privacy), then they can come to the door without opening it fully, to say a quick goodbye.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you had a difficult upbringing with him, but it's up top you to set the rules of the house, and make sure they feel comfortable in their own space.

This would not be a problem for most people and most families so you may get some exaggerated responses, that doesn't apply to you and your relationship with your brother so ignore those responses.

It's not weird but if they don't like it then it needs to stop. One of my uncles used go into my room when I was still downstairs and mess with my stuff in a practical joke way. I went mad at him when I was about 15 as it felt so intrusive.

I'm not sure if you are asking if it's normal or whether you are trying to work through your own unease, @Unconvinced8768 . Or whether it's your daughters with the unease. Or whether you think he has some ulterior motive for going up there. I appreciate you might be in a pattern of not trusting your own instincts around him, especially if your parents didn't back you up when he was bullying you as a child. What's "normal" is entirely different for different people. It's you who sets the normal in your household, not your brother or anyone on here. Trust your instincts and set your boundary.

Next time he comes, ask him what time he's intending on leaving so the girls know when to come downstairs to say goodbye. Say it explicitly in front of everyone, and tell the girls that they need to come downstairs at that time so uncle doesn't have the bother of "having to" go upstairs. Talk to the girls/ pre-warn them beforehand that they need to come down to say goodbye, even just for 30 seconds. If your brother still tries to go upstairs, then you know he's, at the very least, not respecting your boundaries in your own home, and this isn't on. You need to try to remind him very firmly and politely that the girls are coming down to say goodbye, so he needs to wait downstairs, please.

He was a horrendous bully to me growing up and so I still tend to let him walk all over me.

You don't need to have any relationship with your abuser at all, and certainly don't need to have him in your house.
Have you had therapy?

I’ve gone into my niece and nephew’s bedrooms to say goodbye. I do knock before I go in. They tend to have headphones on so wouldn’t hear me shouting.

However, your daughters don’t want him in their room. So he needs to be told not to go up.

But then I wouldn’t have a man like this in my house at all.

If he had to come over for whatever reason, then I’d be telling my DC to stay downstairs until he’s gone.