AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

I’m with the OP in this instance. The uncle shouldn’t be going upstairs, they’re not little kids any more.

Does he knock and wait for your girls to answer, OP? I hope he doesn’t just walk in!

I’d also ask your daughters what they think and be led by that.

I think the important point here was that he bullied you when you were kids.

Have you spoken about it as adults? Has he apologised? Do you want to see him?

I have gone upstairs at my sisters house to say goodbye to my teenage nephews. Normal in our family.

I'm actually stunned at just how many of these posts read as if they've been written by entitled males who think it's perfectly fine to trample over the rights and feelings of females.

@Unconvinced8768 please please stick up for your girls here; bedrooms are private spaces and nobody gets to just enter them! DD15's own father - who lives in the same house - probably hasn't set foot in her room for a year now. It is her private space. She doesn't want ANYONE in there unless she's invited them in. And please consider whether you really need to have your brother in your home at all - it doesn't sound like he's a safe person that you actually want to have in your life. You are allowed to make the decision that he does NOT come into your house AT ALL, if that's what you want. Especially if he's not going to respect your boundaries, or those of your daughters.

It is not normal, in a house with stairs, for visitors to just head up there uninvited. Especially if there is a downstairs toilet for them to use. In SOME houses it might be expected of SOME visitors, but I would say that's the exception rather than the rule.

I used to visit a friend's house for dinner once a week; as her eldest got into his teenage years he would generally be with us for dinner but in his room after that. Playing on his phone, playing on his games console, watching TV, chatting to a friend online, or doing any number of things that he deserved complete privacy for e.g. changing, napping. I just shouted up the stairs to say goodbye, or got my friend to say goodbye for me. I wouldn't have wanted to put him in the position of either having to answer the door in a state of undress or having to tell me I couldn't come in. If nothing else, his room was generally quite messy and he probably didn't want me to see that!

And obviously I'm female, the friend's son was male, and I had absolutely no ill intent towards him at all. STILL not OK for me to just head upstairs uninvited to knock on his door. It is even worse for an adult male with a history of inappropriate behaviour and bullying to be expecting to go anywhere near his teenage nieces' bedrooms.

Just tell him before he is going that the girls have reached an age where they don’t like anyone in their bedrooms and to just shout goodbye from the foot of the stairs. It’s not rocket science and you know what he does so ought to be able to preempt it as soon as he looks like getting up doesn’t matter if he’s not actually going just get it said and don’t let him argue just say that’s how it is. Respect it. Stand up for your daughters even if you couldn’t for yourself

two options:

1. shout upstairs when he gets up "HEY GIRLS, COME DOWN UNCLE JACK WANTS TO SAY BYE"
2. go up with him

I would not have a problem at all if my brother did this. Not weird at all. But, if the door is closed, I would expect him to knock which he would do. Does your brother just walk straight in to your DCs rooms? That would be unacceptable.

Yes. Did you forget? Or did you just ignore it?

It's in the OP:

the girls don’t really like their uncle coming to their bedrooms either.

But are your daughter saying they don’t like it? If not, just leave it.

My friend said something to me.. Historucal sex abuse.
And this is what happened.
My brother's and brothers in laws don't go near the kids bedrooms.

I think it’s perfectly normal as long as he knocks BUT you and the girls don’f like it so you and the girls can come up with a plan.

• they could tell him they don’t like him knocking and would prefer he calls up
• they could ask you for help with a white lie “as they’re getting older I want them in the habit of coming down to say goodbye to people and you’re a test case. Let me shout up when you’re ready to go” or “god knows why but the girls are kicking off about anyone being allowed up so I’ll shout up”
• You could take the fall completely and say it makes you uncomfortable
• If you have a partner he can handle it since your brother was a bully

Yes, it’s a weird thing for him to do. I can’t think of any time I’ve ever gone upstairs in someone else’s house (okay, maybe besides my mum) to say goodbye to them. Upstairs/bedrooms are a private space.

My BIL is a perfectly lovely guy, not some perv. I’d be freaked out if he appeared at my bedroom door to hug me goodbye. Your dd’s could be getting changed or having a private conversation.

You simply tell him next time that you’re trying to reinforce that upstairs is a private space now that they are teens and you’ll call them down to say goodbye. It’s not at all a weird thing to ask. It’s kinda weird he’s just assumed it’s fine.

Do you actually invite him, OP, or does he perchance invite himself?

You're really aren't not joking are you?

OP's brother is a bully and he makes his nieces feel uncomfortable. They are perfectly entitled to go upstairs to get away from him.

OP is happy for her daughters to set their own boundaries where their uncle is concerned.

OP's brother is lucky that he is invited into her home after the way he treated her when they were teenagers. I wouldn't invite him if I were OP.

Such as ? OP’s explained he’s socially awkward and possibly doesn’t realise it’s not appropriate.

If you suspect your brother of being inappropriate with your daughters he shouldn't be in your home at all!!
If you don't suspect he is a pervert you are being a bit weird

So emerging young women asserting their right to privacy, establishing boundaries, is rude?

In general, posters on Mumsnet are terribly unaware about safeguarding risks and equally unaware of how absolutely clueless they are.

Truer words were never spoken.

I would say it is unusual yes

No - it’s perfectly fine for your DDs to assert boundaries and not want anyone in their rooms. When he says he’s off, simply say - ‘don’t go up, the girls don’t like any of us encroaching on their space. I’ll call them down’ ? It’s what we do.

He is an entitled man with a history of bullying young female relations.

An OP without detail?
Normally people would be comfortable with some people doing somethings with their family but not all. If that’s the case here then what is stopping you from telling him that you will call the girls downstairs for him to say good bye to them.

I understand if you don't want to answer this question @Unconvinced8768 after the posts you've already received. In general, posters on Mumsnet are terribly unaware about safeguarding risks and equally unaware of how absolutely clueless they are.

I would feel uncomfortable about your brother's actions, the moreso because of his history as a bully. I think it's a massive overstep for him to opportunistically shoot off up the stairs. Normal would be to shout up the stairs to say I'm going now.

My question was about what your DDs have said about feeling uncomfortable and how he makes them feel this way. If he is opening doors without knocking and waiting, by the way, I would send him a text saying a heads up before he visits again, he is not welcome to go upstairs and you will let the DDs know when he's leaving. If he's bursting into their bedrooms hoping to catch them changing, I'd not see him any more and would absolutely say he's not welcome. Either way, he has issues respecting other people's boundaries, but you know this. I wouldn't worry about causing offence. He isn't.

He’s a family member saying goodbye.

If they weren’t so rude then he wouldn’t need to!