AIBU to stop my brother going upstairs to say goodbye?

Recent stats say: 93% of sexual abuse victims knew their perpetrator. 34% were family members, 59% acquaintances, and only 7% were strangers.

You must have led a very sheltered life to imagine all uncles are nice men.

If a 14 year-old girl can’t say no thank you or don’t come in in her own home she’s not gonna be very safe on the street is she.

I don’t recall any of my mother’s siblings ever coming to my room.

You think the OP should shift the responsibility for holding boundaries with an adult male relative who is an inappropriate bully, from herself to her teenage daughters? Sometimes I wonder about this place.

Yeah wow what a weirdo. Imagine going upstairs in your house. Call police to log.

OP as you didn't mention your brother enjoys bullying women and girls in your original post, most of the replies are irrelevant because they're relating it to their own normal brothers.

Advocate for yourself and your kids.

I think from what you have said yes you are right to listen to your instincts and your girl's feelings.

Do the girls have locks on their bedroom doors? I'd get some. He shouldn't be just walking into a teenage girl's bedroom!

Any visiting relatives here we just shout up, "X is leaving now come and say goodbye". None of them would think to go into their bedrooms. But your brother is actively going up the stairs and telling you he's going into their rooms without asking you or them. Does he knock??

You need to tell him no. Maybe do it before the next visit. By text if you'd prefer that to face to face. If he takes the hump and doesn't visit anymore that doesn't sound like the worst thing to be honest.

no. tell him he is not welcome upstairs FFS

how is enabling one's daughters to make choices and supporting them in those choices going to cause issues?

Why on earth would YOUR guests need to see your children's bedrooms? That's weird and unnecessary.

Surely it completely contradicts the meaning of private space if they dobt actually have control of who can go in their room and whym

I can't imagine having any concerns about my brother going to say goodbye to my children in their rooms. I'd you are uncomfortable about this you need to ask yourself why this is ?

Agree

Next time he arrives, say ‘the girls are going to come down to say goodbye when you go today. So let me know when you’re ready to leave, and I’ll call them down’

Shouldn't need any further explanation than that.

I don't with my niece and nephews (I'm female)...I just shout bye from the bottom of the stairs and they shout back or stick their head out if convenient.
Everyone is different though and it doesn't necessarily mean he has creepy intentions but you wouldn't be unreasonable to say they like to keep their bedrooms private and can you just shout up?

Just shout up and say Uncle's leaving come and say goodbye, before he starts to go upstairs, if they don't want him in their rooms they will come out. I wasn't even welcome in my teenage DD's room, it doesn't mean they find him creepy just teenage, my room no one comes in. I assume he knocks and doesn't just barge in, if he doesn't knock tell him to.

Tell me what percentage of uncles have an inappropriate relationship with their nieces?
What are the statistics? I would suggest it something like 0.01%? But more than happy to be corrected.

Okay, I missed that. Then they need to be able to speak to him very clearly. They are old enough.

I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl and im lucky getting into their rooms myself if they are in them - never aunts or uncles lol. Its your home and your children and you know what they/you are comfortable with. Uncle could surely shout up goodbye without having to head on up to them.

I was taught never to go upstairs in someone else's house unless they had specifically invited me to.

I would say, "I'll shout up & let them know" to prevent him going up.

If that doesn't work, I'd say something more direct telling him not to as their rooms are private.

In oractice it never was an issue for us because if we had a visitor, we children would have been downstairs with them all the time. But we didn't have regular visits.

The reason that you, and they, don’t like it is because although ‘saying goodbye’ is the purported reason, it sounds like actual purpose is for him to infringe on privacy and boundaries in your own home. He doesn’t even have to be a pervert to enjoy that, it’s exactly the kind of thing a bully who wants to put you and yours in their place would do. It’s entitlement and that’s why it feels off to you all.

Your options to change this are to not have him in the house, to have a word and make the boundaries clear, or to make sure your girls are downstairs for the durations of visits. I expect he’ll ignore option 2.

No. The girls don't like him in their bedrooms so that stops now. Bedrooms are private space. He shouldn't be going in there at all.

He was a horrendous bully to me growing up and so I still tend to let him walk all over me.

If they don't want him in their rooms, this could be a form of bullying, he's going in their private space whether they like it or no. He's also showing you he goes where he pleases in your home.

Bro, it's time for you to say goodbye down here.

Bro, you can't go in their bedrooms. They're not little kids anymore and bedrooms are private space.

If he makes a big deal about it, you stop letting him come over.

God, read the room.

He bullied the OP when she was young. It's there in her post you quoted.

Her girls are not comfortable with their uncle coming up to their rooms.

The three women involved are uneasy, and uncomfortable, and OP is here looking for her feelings of unease to be recognised and validated - as are her daughters coming to her about their feelings of unease or dislike of this uncle's behaviour - and people are all, hohoho, not my Nigel/brother.

Very foolish and naive assessment when you look at the actual statistics.

Please do talk to your teens once your decision is made. Thank them for telling you they were not comfortable, and encourage them to make similar safe decisions for themselves going forward. I would even tell uncle when they can hear it, so they can see how it’s done.

‘Going forward please say goodbye to x and z in the kitchen, they are teenagers now and their rooms are private spaces’

cue from him possibly: ‘ aww just popping up now, they are never too old for a cuddle with uncle’

You ‘no. I will call them down’
Or
‘They are busy right now, I will see you to the door’

It isn’t inappropriate. It’s perfectly normal.

YABVU and you’re going cause them a lot of issues with this kind of attitude.

You should model for your DDs that it's okay for them (and you) to have boundaries. They've expressed to you that they would prefer for him not to do that. That's the only reason you need to give him. If he's such a regular guest, it's not even necessary that they come back downstairs to say goodbye to him. I'd only do that if someone was a rare visitor.