I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

OP wouldn't find out if her DH had added an attractive young nurse because she isn't a controlling stalker and she doesn't police his online interactions.

Just wow. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. You can be friends with whoever you like. He should never check your phone. You should not be bound by rules in marriage. How do your kids feel about him? I’m all for working at a marriage but yours sounds very dangerous. I’d be leaving and building a new life. We only get one shot at life - do you really want this for the rest of yours? And congratulations on the exam

OP, why on earth do you put up with this? And I don’t mean leave necessarily. But if my husband querried my fb friend list or implied I am off to cheat the moment he blinks - he would be told in no uncertain terms to cut the nonsense and I am not engaging in this anymore. If he persisted I would leave the room, if he brought it up again it would be a short sharp: “No, I am not discussing this, end off”- and hold that silence. Every single time, well ok, 2nd one in a row would get a raised eyebrow and wouldn’t even be entertained with any reply.
His insecurity would not be my problem (obviously, I am more than happy for sensible conversation and reassurance if need it- but not the behaviour you mention). And honestly, the same thing holds the other way, so no I wouldn’t quiz him about a new young fb friend - though arguably he’d bring it up to me because he’d be puzzled about what to do with a professional overstepping boundaries like that - but I do not police his friends either. I do not go assuming he’ll cheat on me first opportunity he’ll get.
So it does go both ways and you need to make your husband stop controlling your life - he has no right to that, it is not the 1950s (not that it was right then, but would have been more difficult to challenge).

What the hell is a medical professional doing trying to friend a patient on Facebook? Hugely unprofessional and a big old red flag. I’d be pissed off if my DH friended a 27 year old woman who did his medical.

This is coercive control and is a massive red flag to indicate an abusive husband/partner. He is policing your every move, in person and online. He sounds unhinged and scary. You are obviously frightened of him and how he will react if you challenge him or do something as simple as changing your password.

Please try and contact a domestic abuse charity, e.g. Women's Aid or Rights of Women, for advice and support.

Your dh has been way OTT and U.

I think we also need to address how unprofessional it was of this health 'professional' to add you on FB. It's a red flag and needs reporting to your surgery. I'm not sure why you accepted? But with this and your dh being controlling it makes me think you're maybe a bit vulnerable and don't see what's going on with their behaviour.

Someone I was at school with, so essentially a stranger after all these years, added me on Facebook last week. I accepted, looked at the content on his page, didn’t like it, unfriended him. No drama.

You're 'allowed' male Facebook friends???? It's not his place to 'allow' you to do things!

OMG! Your DH is a complete arsehole and a coercive control freak! WTF is it with all these “rules”

Start making a plan and get out it’s only going to get worse

SO MANY worrying comments from you about this, @DopamineDeficient

Things like "In his opinion I have added a random man and allowed him into our marriage when I should be the gatekeeper to keep other men out."

You seem to think this is all normal behaviour from him? It's really, really not.

I'd be wondering what he's up to himself. It's astonishing how many men go to 'you must be having an affair' because it's what they're doing themselves.

Why did he check your phone to see if you'd passed- surely by that point you'd told him?

This relationship is deeply unhealthy and the beautiful house is not worth staying in it.

Get rid of him and celebrate two wins at once.

OP, whatever is going on with your DH, please don't add random men to your FB account. There's a massive safety issue here. What is your reason for adding them in the first place? My FB account is open only to friends. Even so, I make sure there are no incriminating photos showing that would indicate anything to do with where I live, car reg, anything. Scammers are incredibly sophisticated. Please be careful.

In his opinion I have added a random man and allowed him into our marriage when I should be the gatekeeper to keep other men out. He says I have form for this, the problem is I don't know all the rules until I have broken one so I can fall foul of adding random men because they don't meet his requirements

@DopamineDeficient Your husband is meant to enrich your life not make you question if you have got his unknown rules wrong. You are walking on eggshells and he is abusing you with his vile name calling and controlling behaviour. A short, relatively, moment of pain through a divorce will be worth the many years of happiness you will have with him out of your life. No beautiful house is worth this.

Well done on your promotion 🎉🍾🥂

“Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.”

What would you tell your kids if they disclosed they were being treated like this?

This is coercive control.

Read/listen to Its Not You, by Dr Ramani and see if it fits.

Not punishments as such but a week of arguing, being told how vile and disgusting I am.

I think this marriage has fried your brain, OP, for you not to see that this is really awful. You need to get out of this marriage as soon as you can.

On the other hand I think the HCP was incredibly unprofessional for adding you on social media. Was his examination of you intimate in any way?

Your husband is very jealous and controlling.

The rules your husband has for you are deeply concerning. He is very controlling and doesn't seem to have a great deal of respect for you. Was he always like this, or only when you started out-earning him?

It sounds like your husband is controlling - mine wouldn't even look at my friends on Facebook or ask me to delete any of them. It also is hugely unprofessional of this randomer to add you on Facebook, I think you should consider why your reaction was to confirm friend rather than realise that's inappropriate and delete the request.

The second anyone asks for your password or wants to check your messages the relationship is done.

It’s scary how OP has just accepted this as normal.

How did the HA know how to contact you? Also, I'm assuming (but not 100% sure) that he has access to your medical records. There's a reason why some things need to be kept professional. I think he's crossed a line and I'm confused as to why you would just accept the request, and respond to it, without thinking?

Red flags everywhere. Wouldn't be accepted??!! He's not in charge of you. Jesus, you even earn twice what he does. You should be enjoying your life. Get rid of this controlling prick.

Medical professional was HUGELY out of line to add you on social media. Disciplinary action type stuff there and worth a mention to the practice manager, such a massive overstep of patient confidentiality.

Your DH is a cock - he should not be checking your phone for ANYTHING and his reaction to adding someone on SM is completely unacceptable.

Line up those ducks op. Time to leave.

I'm horrified you have to live this way.

He may be becoming dangerous

This.

Please contact Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse charity for advice before doing anything OP.

It is highly likely that his coercive control will escalate and he may put you in physical danger.

Coercive control is a crime, so contacting the police for support and advice is also a good idea.

Abuse crosses all class, race, age, gender lines. You can be a highly-qualified professional living in a beautiful house and still be abused by your partner. It is sadly common.

Professional support is key. Wishing you all the best OP.