I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

No, I never doubted myself for a second. I knew for a fact I wasn’t having affairs, thinking about affairs, or leading anyone on. I knew the behaviour was unreasonable but it was before coercive control legislation and I got used to complying until there was no kindness left, only cruelty and a kind of dark, oppressive atmosphere that is very hard to put into words.

He did his best to convince me I was mentally ill because I was sleepless and anxious from his interrogations and I did have PMDD before and after the marriage but here I am, free, not mentally ill 💃 🌺 ☀️ 🏖️ 💋 💃 wearing the clothes and lipsticks I want to and watching TV programmes with men in them (that wasn’t allowed either).

Please know that the accusations your ‘partner’ makes are nothing to do with anything you do. You cannot stop him being controlling, he is that way because he wants to be

it’s nothing that you are doing.

when someone as goes you who they are, please believe them. All the best for getting away.

You’ve achieved something very significant professionally OP. Give yourself a short while to settle and then go and see a solicitor. You knew he was wrong from the start but he has worn down your defences and self-esteem. MN can provide great support and practical advice when you are ready to separate from him. In the meantime do you have friends / family that can support you?

@DopamineDeficient the PP has given a good link. There is also research evidence that women with ADHD are more vulnerable to coercive control

www.adhdworks.info/blog/how-adhd-can-make-you-vulnerable-to-abuse-amp-control-spot-the-signs

This seems like classic coercive control: I'm not sure if you're aware of Biderman Behaviours but this ticks at least a couple of the boxes, for example isolation; monopolisation of perception; enforcing trivial demands. You might recognise others. Any one of these is coercive control, it doesn't have to be many or all of them by any means.
This link takes you to a brief outline.
champions.gdass.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/Bidermans-Chart-of-Coercion-Control.pdf

I have never cheated, nor even considered cheating and I have no reason to lie on an anonymous forum, the misdemeanours have included - Using a heart reaction to respond to a message, speaking to a guy at the gym about diabetes, wearing lipstick for work, adding a male colleague that he didn't like to my social media, a different colleague offering to pick me a cake up when he was going to the shops, still following someone on strava and clicking like on some of their runs after he had told me to remove the person from facebook. (that one was a rebellion because I was sick of being told what to do)

And there are still PPs on here defending a clearly controlling and abusive man

Yes - I also didn’t want to get married, tried to call off the wedding but he wore me down and was kind/cruel/kind/cruel so I doubted myself. My list of alleged affairs and flirtatious acts was very long and entirely imaginary on his part. I ♥️ my divorce certificate and no one has had the chance to treat me like that since. One red flag and I run like Mo Farah.

Yes unprofessional the man stalked on on fb and requested you

I don’t add just anyone so I wouldn’t have added him

but your dh reaction is over the top

you can divorce him. You don’t need his permission

how long have you been married

and yes sell the joint house

well done on exams

As long as you’re not wearing lipstick or using ♥️ or following someone on Strava, and the list of forbidden acts just gets longer. If you rebel it gets worse. There is a fine line between this behaviour and physical violence. When you leave, you will look back and wonder why you ever tolerated it.

It’s so difficult without support. The rules constantly change until you start guessing what the rules probably are and make your life smaller until you might as well be locked in a convent. I hope the support on this thread makes @DopamineDeficient feel strong enough to go through with divorcing this abusive man.

Just wanted to say congratulations for passing your exam after what I'm sure was a lot of effort.

(As for your DH you know he's being completely unreasonable and childish, your choice what to do about it though)

HCP sending friend request: wrong
Husbands behaviour: wrong
You: victim of abuse

Hope that clears things up for you.

You have done nothing wrong within the realm of a normal relationship.

Do you recognise that you are in an abusive relationship and dont deserve to be treated like this?

It will only get worse unless you leave

GET RID ASAP. Get some legal advice to start you off.

Reclaim your autonomy and your life.

I completely believe that you aren’t having any affairs. You said he always wears you down - this is a criminal offence. That list of misdemeanours is so controlling.

I agree that the friend request was unprofessional, but the bigger point is that your husband is controlling and, well, nuts—and you didn't even want to marry him in the first place and have previously tried to divorce him? This whole situation is crazy. I'd commit to getting out now.

I agree with all of this.

Do you think constant communication when he’s at work might be an effective way of tracking your whereabouts without the need for tracking devices?

OP, even if your husband was right (and I don't agree that he was right), you apologised immediately, rectified it and expressed that you see his point of view and that you weren't really thinking anything if it when you accepted the friend request.

That should have been the end of it- it's the fact that he's now punishing you through continued arguments that's the biggest red flag.

You may have just bought a house, you may not want to think about the things you have to do next because they are tiring, but realistically aren't you tired of tiptoeing around? Never knowing what the rules are, never knowing if you're going to overstep the imaginary line that he has arbitrarily and secretly decided upon. That's no way to live.

Yes it will be hard and tiring to get out of this all.
But it will be hard and tiring to live like this.

Choose your hard.....I know which one I'd choose, and it's the one that you know has a finite end point and get your life back.

OP please don't start to doubt yourself.

Personally I don't really see what you are supposed to have done wrong. You accepted a friend request without really thinking about it - and?

Anyway from the other info you have given it's not really about this single incident is it? Your husband is coercively controlling, (which is BTW a criminal offence) and emotionally abusive. Him contacting the doctors on "your behalf" is an absolute outrage I personally could not get past. Does he think he's living in Afghanistan?

Think of the life you imagined for yourself. This isn't it, is it?

You say you have grown up children. What do they think about this horrible man?

At the very least I'd be changing my social media passwords and making my friend list private. He can strop as much as he likes. Tell him he's left you no alternative due to his gross and unacceptable intrusion into your private life. Start the rest of your life by taking back control bit by bit from this sad excuse of a bully. With any luck he'll be so upset HE'LL leave YOU .