I was in the wrong, AIBU to be disappointed anyway?

1. the medical professional shouldn't be reaching out in a social capacity
2. your husband is mad
3. you can be facebook friends with whoever you like, you're grown ups and you did NOTHING WRONG
4. you do not need to feel guilty for "hurting" your husband, he is a baby and his reaction was completely out of proportion
5. his behaviour is VERY CONCERNING
6. you say EMAILS as in plural as in many emails "berating" you?! about a friend request on Facebook?! JEEESUSSSS WEPT. Run away from this horrible man for goodness sake. Eww. He needs to get in a bin
7. not showing an interest, not giving you any support, and a belated half arsed congratulations on something that's important to your career and that you've spent lots of time and energy on is APPALLING BEHAVIOUR and RED FLAG BEHAVIOUR
8. he will continue to ruin your life and dull your sparkle and piss on your parade, boot him far far away

Your husband is seriously weird. Overreaction but also who monitors their spouse’s Facebook the closely? He sounds controlling.

To add - the medical practitioner is weird too.

I agree. I think the husband is nasty and controlling and OP needs to leave him ASAP, but I also think it’s weird that this young man added her and weird that she accepted it too. He gave her a healthcare exam, why would they need to be Facebook friends? Bizarre behaviour from both of them, but extremely toxic and abusive behaviour from the husband who should be the ex.

My ex-husband was like this, paranoid about contact with other men. It was pre-Facebook but he wore me down to the point where I was questioned for hours if I spoke to my friends’ husbands, their brothers, men I’d known at school, male doctors. He imagined all sorts of flirtations at work, demanding to know why I was 15 minutes late home and speculating that I’d been talking to male colleagues. I left him after two years.

I think you should change your passwords on everything and kick off the divorce.

There is so much wrong here. He checks your friends list? Only people approved (by him) are allowed to be your friends? He would lose his shit if you changed your password? Why is he looking at your phone anyway? None of his business.

This is so so sad to read op. You’re worth so much more than this. You shouldn’t be living your life trying not to break these made up rules. I really hope you find the strength to leave this controlling prick

I’m sure this has been said repeatedly but I’ve only read your comments. This is coercive control. There will always be rules you have broken because there are no actual rules, there are just excuses to take his anger and insecurity out on you verbally to make you feel worthless and bad. There is no perfect way you can be that will make him happy. Yes, the hcp should not have added you, but that’s on him. You are not having unfaithful thoughts by speaking to men platonically, and it’s so unhealthy to live like this. I left a similar relationship over a decade ago and I’m still working through being able to feel comfortable around men because of this. Another thing abusers do is they will undermine any of your achievements and celebrations so this Facebook thing was perfect timing for him. Well done on your hard work and achieving something for yourself. Please, see this as a new chapter and get rid of this awful man that’s weighing you down x

Your husband noticed that you had a new person on your Facebook within an hour of you accepting a friend request? That in itself is absolutely batshit crazy!!

The multiple emails berating you for accepting a friend request is insane too.

I fear that you have got so used to your husband's controlling behaviour that you don't even recognise this for what it is. Coercive controlling behaviour is domestic abuse. He is an abuser.

Please think very carefully about this - is this the tip of the iceberg? Is he controlling in other ways? You can call Women's Aid for support or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline. You can talk through anything with them confidentially and get advice. I think you really need to do this.

Domestic Abuse isn't always physical. Emotional and mental abuse can be just as damaging, if not more. Please reach out for some help 💐

Explain to me how that is similar to the healthcare professional who carried out your over 40's health check?
Have we all befriended the nurse who did our smear, our hygienist etc then and I'm the odd one out?!
I reckon we'd be asking questions if the husband had friended the young female nurse who'd carried out his prostate exam.

So you're just going to carry on like this for the rest of your life? Seriously?! You're worth more, so what if you just bought a house? Get out of this abusive controlling relationship. Is he aware that coercive control is illegal?

My DH can be a bit controlling at times.
He's not a complete aresehole though so the best way to tackle it is to call it out.

Genuinely I wouldn't entertain this bullshit for one moment - I would tell my DH he was being ridiculous and controlling and who the hell does he think he is speaking to me like a naughty child.
He'd have a sulk for an hour and then probably apologise or at least be able to discuss things like adults.

Unfortunately this controling dynamic in your marriage appears to have become a defining feature which makes it much harder to break. But you have a choice between accepting it as the way your life is, or doing something to change it.
What do you want to do?

Also,.yes weird behaviour from the HCP also. Are you in the UK?

Congratulations on passing your exams.

You're husband is a controlling cunt. How dare he police who you have on social media, does he tell you what to wear and who to see as well? I've got male and female people on Facebook and I email male and female penpals from different countries. The day someone tells me what I can do or not would be a cold day in hell.

I hope with passing your exams opens up a new world where you can be truly happy on your own.

Congratulations on passing your exam 💐
The HCA shouldn’t have sent you a friend request but you deleted him, no harm done. Your husband was OTT making a complaint. If you wanted to make a complaint you would have. The behaviour from your husband is far more concerning.

He’s clearly abusive. Luckily you have no shared children and while it will be an effort to get out of the marriage, you will be so much happier without him.

Congratulations on passing your exam 💪

This is a very sad thread. I'm sorry you're living like this, OP. Your husband controls who you can be friends with, 'checks your phone', punishes you for perceived misdemeanours and wants to talk on your behalf to medical professionals. And I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg. This is controlling, abusive behaviour. But I'm sure you know that. Please reach out to real-life support and protect yourself from this man. Congratulations on passing your exams despite this awful situation.

This. Words like 'controlling', 'abusive' and 'toxic' get bandied about so often on MN that they've become almost meaningless, but this is a situation where they certainly are warranted. OP what you did was perfectly normal. For your husband to be even keeping tabs at all is a bit concerning, but for him to react like he's done is fucking nuts. Then for you to in turn react like you've done strongly suggests this sort of arseholery has been going on for a long time.

...and I've just seen your latest post - he sounds downright unhinged - you need to be plotting a way out of this as it cannot end well.

OP your husband sounds very controlling, this is not ok. Please make sure you're safe (could he see this thread via your phone?) and get some advice and support from someone like Women's Aid.

The HCP should never have contacted you, but I think the bigger issue for you right now is your husband and how he treats you.

You weren’t in the wrong, your DH is an over reacting twat.

If you have a good job and a good salary, why do you need to be with such a silly and insecure man?

You really think it's OK for OP's husband to be so controlling about everything to do with her social media and phone? And to be still banging on about this trivial incident so much later?

It's utterly obvious that he was looking for a reason to spoil her big achievement because it makes him feel even more inferior. He's right to feel inferior, but that's mainly because he can't take a mature attitude to celebrating his wife's major achievements.

@DopamineDeficient why are you allowing him to control you? Will he hit you if you don’t agree to his demands?

If he’s not a violent person then you need to start asserting yourself and tell him to fuck off. Don’t put up with shit behaviour? What will be the consequences if you don’t do as he ask? Hit you? Sulk? Argue with you or give you the silent treatment? As long as he doesn’t hit you start doing whatever you want. You can start today. Tell yourself you’re no longer going to be controlled by this arsehole.

If you’re obeying him because you’re scared he’ll hit you then that’s a different matter. So providing there’s no violence put a stop to controlling and start pleasing yourself.

And massive congratulations on your achievement.

It really isn't that odd. I have lots of strangers who ask to be FB friends because they know of me through my work, are interested in stuff I've put on FB, etc etc. I have no information on my FB that is particularly personal - probably the most personal thing I've mentioned is the birth of a grandchild, and my parents' funerals, and it really doesn't bother me if the world knows about that.

he is fully convinced that the only reason I am faithful is because he monitors my interactions and prevents it.

What?

So he doesn't trust you?

So what is the point?

Does he then only want to be with you to control you & make you miserable?

Who wants to be with someone they don't trust?

I just feel tired and the thought of battling through a divorce feels impossible.

There is no need to rush into it.
Now you know, you are in a controlling and abusive relationship.
But if you are in no immediate danger, take time to gather your strength, get your emotions under control, and slowly make plans to leave.

If you start to challenge him, or do things like change your phone password, he is likely to ramp up the abuse and grind you down even more. So it may be best to keep quiet for now and don't rock the boat, but you need to keep your eyes on the goal of getting him out of your life for good, don't let this horrible relationship drift on. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to find the strength to end it.