AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

They could have slept in the twin bed room the teenagers were to sleep in. I am in my 60s and would not take the master bedroom in someone else’s holiday cottage. It wasn’t their house to enter. How did they know the key was under the mat though? They knew too much about this house

Fwiw op I 100% disagree with this comment. They sound overbearing. Well done for standing up to them in the end.

Where else would they have slept?

You’d really expect 2 60+ people to sleep on the sofa?

I think some people are also missing that fact that it was agreed that the parents would stay there the first night.

It is reasonable that they took the double bed because OP didn’t want them sleeping in the DCs room.

The only thing the parents have done wrong is suggesting they stay in the cottage for the duration - although I believe they had OPs best interests at heart.

OP was tired and emotional and so if it was me, I would have suggested discussing it in the morning.

Then after I slept on it I would have either decided to tell them that I want the entire cottage to myself or tried it for a few nights and see how I got on.

If OP and her DC are autistic then it’s like her parents could be too.

If they were even slightly thinking of the OP they would not have taken the master bedroom in HER accommodation and would not have unpacked. I would be livid with this and if they wouldn’t immediately pack up and go to their house would be going home and telling them they had ruined my holiday by taking over MY house and not asking me if they could stay but treating me like a small child they could walk over

She agreed to go to the same location as them. She clearly did not agree to share accommodation with them. She stated extremely clear boundaries around that including needing her own time away.

My parents in law hated each other and bickered constantly, it was absolutely awful to spend prolonged time around them because it is so emotionally draining.

There was no way I’d share accommodation with them but I might be willing to spend some time with them.

These are different things, giving rise to clear opportunities to take a break from each other.

DH left home at 20 and returned only for very short stints to keep away from the dynamics.

If you are from a pretty healthy family you need to be aware that different rules apply to dysfunctional families.

She also agreed to let them spend the first night in the cottage. They shouldn't have taken the master bedroom though.

This is outrageous. OP now you know never to change your holiday or any other plans for them again. They obviously knew you wouldn’t be happy with the new arrangements or they would have suggested it rather than just arriving and unpacking. It’s beyond cheeky.

Are you missing the part where people can be bounced into agreeing to something that at heart they don't want?

Is everyone missing the part where op AGREED to go on holiday with them? No one forced her, and the parents didn't turn up unannounced as a bad surprise - although op is very much making it sound like that's what has happened.

You knew what they were like. You need to work on your boundaries with them as I'm guessing this is nothing new at all. They won't change so you need to.

"Atrocious"? That's a bit of a reach! It sounds like they've been a bit blundering in their approach to picking her and were rude to take over the master bedroom, but without knowing what's kept her teens at home, it's impossible for anyone on here to say whether their behaviour is shockingly bad.

You are confusing connection and control here.

The parents have had clear boundaries put in place and have ridden rough shod over them.

@PeachesxBDA I definitely would not want to be around constant bickering if I was going through an emotional trauma and constant overstepping. I’d graciously bow out and go home.

I completely agree.

It sounds as though the parents can’t do anything right.

I can’t see how someone can be annoyed about someone picking you up from the station and being jolly and happy to see you.

OP didn’t want anyone sleeping in her DCs beds but wanted the master for herself - so where did she expect her parents to sleep.
It is obvious that they would have taken the double.

Obviously we don't know your family history or what prompted your teens to stay at home – I'm guessing it's a bereavement on their dad's side – but it sounds like parents thought you wouldn't want to be alone if you were upset and that's why they went to the cottage instead of their free accommodation. That doesn't seem too controlling but where they've overstepped is by taking over the master bedroom. But without your kids it sounds like you're not going to have a good time with just your parents, so you are right to go home.

There are two sides to every story.

They sound exhausting.

You may relate to the concept of emotionally immature parents - there are some books by Lindsay Gibson that explain it and how to manage those relationships.

I can see both sides here.. some of what they did does seem logical.

If there is a spare room in the cottage, them expecting to stay rather than you being alone seems normal family behavior to me..

Them taking your room without asking, not so much.

Equally other parts. Some reasonable, some not.

But when you start a holiday on such a bad footing, trauma + bad existing relationship, it's asking for problems.

Personally maybe delaying for a whole day and going together with your teens later would have been better

I feel this too and have very difficult parents.

They were trying to be jolly and supportive. They'd swallowed their presumed disappointment about not seeing the grandchildren. Come to meet you and then I guess thought you needed / wanted company and support.

There being 2 of them they took the biggest room. You all certainly reverted to childhood patterns.

I feel for them because I think they were trying to be kind...a calm conversation about what you needed rather than biting your tongue would have been a more adult way to handle this. So at the station been very clear you were being dropped off and would see them tomorrow or whatever, then see they've moved in and say no this doesn't meet my needs and if its true say...I paid for some alone time and I'd like that...

You never gave them a chance...because what they did isn't so unusual...I think you needed to state your needs in this new situation

omg. I honestly can't believe I just read that. Are you the OPs parents?
Nothing about this situation is reaching out. Their behaviour is atrocious.

@PeachesxBDA they sound like my parents, immature adults that just can’t see the world from any other point of view but their own.

Things have to done their way.
Theyre pilling up the guilt. So much so your own dcs knew that all of you pulling out of the hols would lead to problems so ‘encourage you’ to go
It all looks nice and helpful on the surface but it’s actually controlling and a way to get their own way.

Please, please, go back home as you told them.
And try to not put their needs or wishes first before your own. (I say try because I know how hard it is to break that habit. And how it leads to conflict too)

I believe the parents were planning to stay the first night and getting there first, so OP must have told them to let themselves in.

That’s not reaching out.

Thats ignoring the needs and wishes of the OP. She is autistic. She said she wanted some time apart from them but they just decided to do ine thing agd NEVER asked her if she was ok with it. Who does that? Not loving and caring people!
Theyre also ignoring the fact the OP and her dcs just went through a traumatic event. Who does then decide to video their child arriving knowing that?

YABU and a bit over dramatic.

Your dad was kind enough to pick you up from the station - and you were annoyed that he was jolly and happy to see you?

He was being supportive of your idea to not force them to come by saying that it would be boring for them etc and trying to make you feel better - but this annoyed you too?

I would have been annoyed that they decided to stay the entire time - but you say you’ve just had a massive trauma and so it’s likely they didn’t feel comfortable leaving you alone when you’re obviously so vulnerable.

I don’t get why you’d sleep on the sofa instead of in the girls room - they’re not dead.

It makes sense for the couple to have the double bed and you take the single.

You knew they were staying that first night, so where did you expect them to sleep if they’re not allowed in the master bedroom or the DCs beds?

I would have gotten through the first night and then seen how I feel.

Your girls have just had a traumatic event and so I assume you’d want to be home with them and therefore the trip gets cut short and so it makes sense that your parents actually use the cottage that has been paid for.

If you really don’t want them there then explain how you want alone time but I’m not sure if this would be very healthy for you right now.

This all sounds hugely OTT - either sleep on a bed or tell them to return to their own booked accommodation. So many people on here cause their own problems by not using their words. Someone who is functional enough to raise teens is functional enough to tell their parents no.