AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

I don't think it's matter. Her parents took over her accommodation against her will. Doesn't matter if she's traumatised or not - they had not right to do that (unless there's a big drip feed like the gp are paying for everything).

Sorry this happened, OP. They sound insufferable.

It all sounds very odd. I would have tried to encourage the teens to come for a change of scenery. I wouldn’t have told the parents that the key would be under a mat (that’s odd in itself. Keys are usually kept in key safes) and it’s odd that they’ve taken over the master bedroom. Did you pay for all of the holiday?

It depends on the type of parents they are. If this was mine, I wouldn't turn a hair at this. If they are normally overbearing af and a general nightmare, YANBU.

We can't know though.

Them staying the first night was never a good move. When that was suggested I would have said no and that I would book a taxi or drive and refused to back down

Did your parents know about the trauma? Would the trauma have been something your (presumably neurotypical) parents wouldn't have thought was a big deal if they did know about it?

I think your response to seeing a room in a holiday cottage that your teens (who I assume are all well and safe at home as was their choice) would have stayed in was disproportionate and I don't understand why you slept elsewhere.

Yes, annoying that your parents had taken the bigger room that you wanted but from their perspective they'll possibly have thought "there are 2 of us, we'll take the double and seeing as DD is coming on her own, she can have the other room".

Did they cancel the other cottage and suggest splitting the cost of the two? Again, that sounds sensible on paper and I'm guessing they just don't or won't understand why you wanted a whole separate building to them.

Yes you agreed to being in two separate buildings but that's when your teens were joining you.

The comms are bad or non-existent but I don't think it's come from a mean or hateful place.

Can we assume that they don't understand or know much about what autism is, how you and your children experience the world, what you need in place?

They experience the world differently to you.

Without knowing what the trauma was I don't know for sure but I'd also guess that it's shaken you and the teens up enough that you should've just cancelled the whole thing for all of you and told your parents to enjoy their time away.

You do not get on with them and find their arguing distressing but you did agree to go on holiday with them. Once they knew you might be on your own they decided to stay with you to keep you company, which is not wholly unreasonable. They have no way of knowing that you do not want to be with them.

They should have asked you if this was what you wanted.

Also I have a dh and a dc on the spectrum.
Bring autistic, POSSIBLY you have no idea about that, the OP certainly doesn’t say they are, does NOT entitle you to behave in a rude manner.

Waiting and asking the person who paid for the cottage and who is going to stay there all week is just common decency. After all these years, if they were autistic, thry ought to have learnt.
Asking if the OP was ok with them staying all week is also just an easy nirmal behaviour to learn.

We need to stop using autism as an excuse for any bad behaviour.
Trust theres already plenty in autism can be hard to live with and does need accommodation. But those aren’t that.

What’s happening today OP? Have you decided to go home. Such a shame the teens didn’t come. Might they reconsider?

Did you leave? Well done for that. Although ideally they should have left.

I do wonder why they weren’t happy with the place they had booked though

Change the sheets with what?
It’s a holiday fottage. There isn’t usually spare sheets….

There was a twin room for the teenagers they could have slept in. They should not have unpacked anything and “ chosen” a room until the op arrived and they asked if they could stay for longer.

I agree that your parents are a real pain OP and haven’t really listed to your needs and feelings about this holiday.
So are you still there or did you leave?
I suppose the thing now will be to reinforce your boundaries with them, it doesn’t sound as if it will be easy. But I hope you succeed, for your future happiness.

It’s a holiday cottage and so lots of people would have slept in the same bed.
Just change the sheets and it would be fine.

Of course they shouldn’t have just assumed it would be on but most decent people wouldn’t see their elderly parents sleeping on the sofa.

They overstepped but there was nothing malicious in it.

They are likely autistic and just went with the option that made the most common sense.

You get that there was an upsetting event the day before they were supposed to go ? Why would you think it was their plan not to go all along ?

Maybe because
1- the OP paid for the cottage and was supposed to stay there tge whole if the time. They didn’t.
2- they just ASSUMED. Theyve didn’t ask, they took what they wanted
3- it’s not obvious that a couple will want the double. My parents don’t. They prefer twin beds 🤷‍♀️ And more to the point, why should tge OP have to sleep in a bed they sleep in before just because of that?

What you are describing is only true with people who overstep boundaries and don’t give a shit about respecting other people/being polite at the very least.

The OP acted as if her family/parents were decent.
Theyve just proven they are not.

I wouldn’t berate the OP for not having guess that, esp seeing she was likely still in shock from previous trauma

I agree it doesn’t sound as though her parents had sorted out accommodation they actually liked

The OP sounds as though she overinvolved them when the arrangements were vhanged though and agreed even under duress to them( why did they both have to come to station) picking her up and staying first night so sounds as though her parents house was a long way away. If she didn’t want them to do this she shouldn’t have discussed her travel arrangements with them and just said the teens weren’t coming and she’d see them the next day. Once she mentioned getting a train there is a degree of inevitability to the rest if she told them the details of her travel plans.

They were meant to be staying the first night, that was the plan and how they had access to the cottage without OP being there.

And apparently they have free accommodation (perhaps friends), which I’m assuming is still an option for them.

It's possible the parents understood the boundaries in relation to room and the children and once they weren't coming thought things had changed..I'm not sure why OP would trap herself by going by train (*I have difficult parents and would never), accepting a joint stay and a lift to the cottage ...which is how the parents gained entry via OP

OP said she didn’t want anyone sleeping in the DCs room, which is why she slept on the sofa.

Why would a single person sleep in a double, whilst a couple sleep in 2 single beds anyway.
That wouldn’t make sense.

It wasn’t a malicious act.
It was just common sense and if they’re autistic they probably just went with the most common sense option.

The parents were meant to book their own separate accommodation, have some people missed this detail? They were not meant to be staying any night. That was a deliberate boundary put in by the OP because she experiences their constant bickering as impacting her emotional wellbeing.

Some posters are saying she needs better boundaries but her parents have ignored her explicit stated boundaries. That is where the problem lies.

I agree that agreeing to them staying the first night was a mistake and I wouldn’t have been getting a lift from them either as then it’s hard to get rid of them