AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

I don't think your parents are to blame, as clearly they love you and would be worried about their traumatised daughter staying on her own one day after experiencing a serious incident - any parent would feel the same.

Well, I don't think any parent would feel the same.

I think a decent parent - certainly one who actually knew their adult child's personality and could accept that she is capable of making her own choices - would actually listen to what their child wanted, rather than just assuming she wants/needs company just because that's what they'd want if they were her.

I had some extremely upsetting news last year while my DP and I were on holiday. I actually asked my DP to go out that day and leave me in our holiday cottage on my own. Because when I'm upset, I really do prefer to be on my own. And because he loves me and understands me and is aware that I know my own mind, he agreed to do what I asked of him. I think a decent parent, one who had an ounce of sensitivity, would have done the same.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural

Yes, they did. Read the OP's post again. She specifically says they told her it was good she hadn't brought her teenagers with her because it was 'too rural' for a holiday with teens and they also then told her that it was 'too rural' and 'too lonely' for her to stay their on her own. It's right there in the opening post.

They also told her she was 'killing them' by not wanting to spend the entire week with them in the same holiday cottage.

Can you seriously not see how controlling and emotionally manipulative that is? They repeatedly told her that the property she had specifically chosen for herself wasn't suitable for her (or indeed her teenagers) to stay in alone, and when she explained that she really did want the peace and quiet, they told her she was 'killing them' by just wanting to have some time alone on her own holiday.

They might well not realise that they're being suffocating and overbearing and refusing to accept the autonomy of another adult. Nonetheless, that is exactly what they're doing.

I think this is a little dramatic.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural, they were just trying to make her feel better because she was upset that her teens had not wanted to come to the trip that she was so looking forward to spending with them.

It was planned ahead of time that they would stay the night and so it’s reasonable that they would have unpacked some of their things.

They overstepped by assuming that they could stay the entire time but assumed that as OP was meant to be going there with her DCs and now was alone, that she’d be lonely and would welcome the company.

OP was in a bit of a sensitive mood, almost crying because the journey was long and then because her dad was being jolly and so anything they did was wrong.
She was being silly about not sleeping in the ‘girls beds’ when they’d never even visited the cottage.

She was tired and so I would have gone to bed and see how I felt in the morning.
If I still didn’t want the parents staying then I would have spoke to them in the morning.

I don’t believe there was anything intentionally malicious in their actions.

Crossing boundaries, overruling decisions and manipulating people into doing what you want is not loving behaviour.

This thread confirms my long held theory that posters just display the state of their own relationship with whoever is under discussion.
In absolute honesty, Mumsnet is the last place I’d go to for trustworthy advice about people.

Dramatic how? Her parents muscled in without asking on her private space, at exactly the time when she most needed some time alone after a traumatic experience. She doesn't sound dramatic to me. She was still shocked after something upsetting that happened immediately before the holiday, and she just wanted some peace.

If the 'traumatic experience' was, eg, somebody breaking a plate or their team losing at cricket, then sure, the OP would sound dramatic. But for all you know it might have been something like the family dog being killed by a car, in which case the OP feeling a bit tearful and sad wouldn't be 'dramatic' at all.

If you only see the parents' perspective here, you must be an absolutely suffocating person to be around.

It is not 'showing love' to ignore another person's wishes and override their wish to have some space. That's not love. It's not connection. It's a complete disregard for the feelings and needs of another adult and it's incredibly fucking selfish. It's also really infantilising to assume that you know better about what's good for another adult than that adult knows themselves.

The OP had already indicated that she was happy to spend some time with her parents on holiday, but that she needed a bit of space to relax on her own. Her parents, however, simply refused to accept that and forced themselves into her space. They insisted that the location the OP chose for herself was 'too rural' and 'too quiet' even though rural and quiet was exactly what she wanted. They refused to accept that the OP needed some time alone to relax and reflect, even though she made this very clear to them. They didn't even ask her before they moved her stuff into HER holiday cottage.

None of this behaviour is 'showing love'. It's just being controlling, domineering and crass. If they wanted to show their daughter love and have a 'connection' with her, they wouldn't trample over her feelings like that. They sound like the most suffocating parents imaginable.

sory your boundaries were ignored but you sound dramatic.

I think when a severe traumatic event happens, and in its immediate aftermath, it's very difficult to think clearly, obviously for the people directly involved, and also for those who love them.

For example I can remember almost going into work on the day my dad died - he had been dying for over a week, most of which I had spent at his bedside, I was hugely traumatised and hadn't slept for days, my dad wanted me with him constantly..... and for some reason I suddenly decided it was a good idea to go into work! Luckily my mom phoned me at the bus stop and said I needed to get there ASAP as he wanted me - and he actually died that day.....

My point being, we all do irrational things when traumatised. Whatever has happened, OP you clearly need to be with your kids at this point, supporting each other and trying to come to terms with it. Going on holiday was a crazy idea, but I don't blame you in the least, as who doesn't do crazy things in these circumstances?

I don't think your parents are to blame, as clearly they love you and would be worried about their traumatised daughter staying on her own one day after experiencing a serious incident - any parent would feel the same.

You need to focus on surviving/healing now. The holiday is utterly irrelevant.

Really sorry for whatever you have been through.

OP, if your parents had alternative accommodation, why didn’t they just stay there? I’m assuming you paid for the cottage - I’d have been fuming in your situation. Very unreasonable of your parents not only to take your accommodation, but also to nab the best room, although I expect from their POV, there are two of them and only one if you - they seem to have overlooked the fact that they weren’t meant to be there at all. I’d give them the benefit of the doubt in that they were trying to be kind, giving you a lift and worrying about the rural location, but I do understand why you were so put out, OP.

Your parents don’t really seem to know you at all, OP. And they certainly don’t seem to have much respect for a grown woman either.

I’d be very unhappy in your shoes, too, OP. Have your parents packed up and gone to their own accommodation? Apologised for overstepping the mark? These things are the very least they can do. But I can understand if you still wanted to just go home and be with your kids.

That is a very good point. I read something recently, I will see if I can find it again, but 80% of ND children have at least one ND parent.

It is certainly something that gets commented on a lot at our Autism parenting groups, parents saying “the second our child was diagnosed I started noticing x,y and z in me or their other parent”.

However poor behaviour is poor behaviour and it does not need to be excused away, even if they are autistic that does not excuse them trampling over explicit boundaries.

Yanbu.
Your parents have argued your whole life and being with them is triggering.
I get that.

They did what they wanted to.
They still see you as a child that has zero rights to an opinion.

Learn from this and do not make the same mistake again.
Keep your arrangements strictly private.

Trauma from a volatile home growing up is a life long burden that gets burnt into your DNA.
It makes you very sensitive to a bad atmosphere and feeling powerless.

I grew up in such an atmosphere and decided as a young adult that I woild never stay in the family home again to avoid such powerlessness.

I never regretted my decision.

@PeachesxBDA
Look OP.
This is classic multi generational ND family.
NT posters can analyse all they like, but they probably won’t understand the processing times required to make changes.

At least one of your parents will most likely be ND.

When it comes to processing the change of parent child relationships within ND families, it can easily take double the time.

This is because all of the people involved require longer processing times. Both the parents and the children will need far longer to even become aware that the dynamic between them needs modifications.
I didn’t start to even question the dynamic until I hit 40.
This doesn’t mean that things can’t change but it will take me a long time to make changes and the same for them.

I think they are CFs to have moved themselves in to the master bedroom of YOUR holiday rental and then act like they were doing you a big favor.

Both I and DH have parenst who can overstep - over rule us - you need to be clear and direct in communictaion and speak up if something doesn't work even even if it may cause upset - other people are not mind readers - if once you are clam and clear about what is acceptable then if that's not listen to - you leave or have angry words.

Often they a a reliance of you giving in - and if you are firm poltienss and social lubication can often work the other way ie in your favour as well.

Hindsight always 20/20 hoilday with then sounds like it was always going to be fraught and when the traumatic thing happened - may have been better to cancel like the teens.

I agree. They sound awfully controlling. And selfish.

What happened then, have you gone home? What did they say?

This is exactly the sort of stuff my DPs would do as it’s ‘easier’ or ‘nicer’ (for them). As someone who similarly needs quiet and who’s parents are constantly sniping/arguing but then pretending like nothings wrong, I can only say you know your own boundaries, triggers and tolerances. I urge you to give them some grace to step up and illustrate their support, otherwise stick to them.

I hope you and your dc are ok after the incident and that you get sorted, whatever way that is best for you.

"You never gave them a chance...because what they did isn't so unusual"

Yes, it's unusual. They made their way into her cottage against her will and without telling her! They changed the pre-agreed holiday arrangements leaving OP with no option but to stay with them, which she had already said she didn't want to do.

It sounds like they're staying at mates' houses/caravans rather than eg an AirBNB.

How did they know it was under the mat?

If you honestly think they were being kind, then you've never experienced parents who endlessly try and push your boundaries. Mine are very similar. It's dressed up as kindness but really it's about control. It's exhausting, relentless and makes you feel like an angry powerless child when you try and push back.

OP - just go home. You don't need this right now and you're clearly not going to enjoy yourself.