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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

260 replies

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 03:26

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:39

Blistory · 14/07/2026 10:07

Has it occurred to you if you and your children are autistic then it's likely that one of your parents is as well and that might affect how they perceive matters ? Maybe they need to have things clearly set out for them

I think my mum is dispraxic. Being autistic myself I am very straight talking. I thought everything was clearly set out. They have their accomodation, we have ours, we will join in with them sometimes but not everyday. We want some time to just chill.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 22:35

SummerInSun · 14/07/2026 09:51

What strikes me is how the OP is so upset that her children with her, yet doesn’t understand that her own parents feel the same way about her and want to be with her. That doesn’t mean she has to share accommodation with them if she doesn’t want to, but to storm off in a huff from the whole holiday rather than calmly tell them to go to their own accommodation is overkill.

It's not always easy to do the calm think when feeling very emotional and being triggered left right and centre. Change is something that sends me into panic/meltdown at the best of times let alone when I was feeling emotionally fragile.

The difference with my parents was I respected and facilitated their needs. My parents ignored my boundaries and weren't even aware of my needs and then ignored them when I voiced them.

OP posts:
Zonder · 14/07/2026 21:29

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:54

I decided to stay for a few days. I have invited them for a bbq at the cottage tomorrow.

Re; teenager mood - you are probably right - part of me wanted to grab my suitcase and storm off down the country lane at midnight! 😂

Show quote history

You've invited them? Does that mean they have moved out of the cottage, and more importantly out of the master bedroom? I hope so.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:54

mumuseli · 14/07/2026 09:49

It was cheeky, but I guess they took the bigger bedroom because there’s two of them.
OP, much as they might be overbearing and annoying, it sounds like they think they are doing the right thing being there for you and trying to look after you.
Try to project ahead for a few days – if you go home now with things sour, then both you and them are going to be miserable.
Could you put on a smile and compromise by staying for another day or two (or even just for lunch today) before travelling home? That way you’re leaving on a more positive note.
It does sound like things have been quite dramatic and intense. Maybe you have reverted a bit to teenage mode yourself with them – that’s quite a common thing for adults to do when with their parents!
Going forward, you can make an effort to put in more boundaries.

Edited

I decided to stay for a few days. I have invited them for a bbq at the cottage tomorrow.

Re; teenager mood - you are probably right - part of me wanted to grab my suitcase and storm off down the country lane at midnight! 😂

OP posts:
Vartden · 14/07/2026 20:54

They've gone yo their accommodation now so they have listened to you.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:48

TheGoddessFrigg · 14/07/2026 09:03

why not go and stay in the cottage your parents booked? It must be empty and paid for

They were staying in a guest room in a retirement complex.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:44

Soontobe60 · 14/07/2026 08:51

Ok, so some points.
Why did you not say no to your parents from the start? ‘Sorry mum and dad, we’re having a quiet break this year just ourselves’
Why did you not cancel the holiday in light of the traumatic event that stopped your Dc from going?
Who looked after your traumatised DC?
How come you only decided to take the train the day before the trip? Surely you’d planned the travel well in advance?
Where were your parents supposed to be staying?

Why didn't I say no? We enjoy their company in small doses and they were keen for us to come. They had their accomodation sorted and I found this lovely cottage. I made it clear we wouldn't always join in with the plans and the DC will probably want to do their own thing some of the time too.

I was going to cancel but the DC encouraged me to go and to be honest I wasn't thinking that straight and just went last minute. Parents were encouraging me/DC to come too. I understand the DC thinking I would be able to have some peace and quiet and rest/relaxation which would be beneficial for my mental health.

I'm in constant contact with my DC but sometimes a traumatised person is not in the best position to look after other traumatised people. They have gone to stay with my best friend who is like an aunty to them.

I couldn't face driving for 6 hours so took the train.

OP posts:
GrantMyWishes · 14/07/2026 20:39

I'm so sorry for all this upset OP. It sounds like after having a good night's sleep you were able to speak calmly to your parents and clear the air. I'm glad they've gone to where they were meant to be staying, and hope that some time alone in a lovely location, will give you some peace. Look after yourself, and enjoy your holiday.

Gloriia · 14/07/2026 20:36

If the trauma involves something your ex did to your dc surely you should be at home with them?
How did parents know key was under a mat? Who even does that, holiday rentals usually have those safe key lock devices.

Anyway. You're there now, try to make the best of it Flowers

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:29

WilmaRubble · 14/07/2026 08:46

It’s all mad.

You went looking for a fight. You agreed to go knowing that it wasn’t what you wanted to do and that it would not suit your kids. You almost fired because the journey was long. How did they get the key?

How was I looking for a fight? How was it not what I wanted to do and wouldn't suit my kids?! What I almost fired mean?!

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:25

Floatlikeafeather2 · 14/07/2026 08:43

This trauma, whatever it was, happened to all of you, affected you all badly enough to not want to go on the holiday and yet you decided to go away and leave your kids to cope on their own? That's the bit I don't understand. You don't seem to be able to put yourself in anyone else's shoes, OP. I feel sorry for your parents. Although I don't think they should have taken over as they have done, it's clear that they think they have done the best thing for you. Do you generally make people dance around your autism so that they feel they have to look after you, even now? And stomping off to sleep in the living room is childish behaviour. Quite ridiculous.

I'm another one intrigued to know how they gained entry to the cottage.

I also find it amusing that you think sleeping on yhe sofa involves 'stomping'. I didn't want to sleep in the kids room as it was making me feel sad so I quietly walked to the living room, got ready for bed and went to sleep.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:22

Floatlikeafeather2 · 14/07/2026 08:43

This trauma, whatever it was, happened to all of you, affected you all badly enough to not want to go on the holiday and yet you decided to go away and leave your kids to cope on their own? That's the bit I don't understand. You don't seem to be able to put yourself in anyone else's shoes, OP. I feel sorry for your parents. Although I don't think they should have taken over as they have done, it's clear that they think they have done the best thing for you. Do you generally make people dance around your autism so that they feel they have to look after you, even now? And stomping off to sleep in the living room is childish behaviour. Quite ridiculous.

I'm another one intrigued to know how they gained entry to the cottage.

My kids haven't been left alone. They are well supported including me being in contact with them.

Dance around my autism? No, it's not something they'd ever acknowledge or modify their behaviour around. If they did they might be aware how change is really difficult so changing plans last minute is completely overwhelming. The whole point is I don't need looking after. I just need my boundaries respected.

OP posts:
Baking07 · 14/07/2026 20:13

Mind yourself OP.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 20:09

Lurkingandlearning · 14/07/2026 08:42

A previous poster asked what the trauma was. I've seen this before on threads where people feel they are entitled to know more than OPs are willing to share. If enough information isn't provided for them to comment, don't comment. But I'm not sure that is the real reason. I think on threads like yours they want to know what the trauma is so they can judge if it is trauma or traumatic enough to warrant the OPs reaction. The event doesn't matter, it is how a poster feels about an event that does, even if it is different to how some random person on MN might feel in the same situation.

OP, I hope you are feeling a little more relaxed about what you need to do, whether that be go home or stay and try to resolve the accommodation issues your parents have caused. If the latter, I hope you have an enjoyable holiday.

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/07/2026 20:03

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 19:58

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree.

Show quote history

Where are your DDs now?

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 19:58

Lurkingandlearning · 14/07/2026 08:42

A previous poster asked what the trauma was. I've seen this before on threads where people feel they are entitled to know more than OPs are willing to share. If enough information isn't provided for them to comment, don't comment. But I'm not sure that is the real reason. I think on threads like yours they want to know what the trauma is so they can judge if it is trauma or traumatic enough to warrant the OPs reaction. The event doesn't matter, it is how a poster feels about an event that does, even if it is different to how some random person on MN might feel in the same situation.

OP, I hope you are feeling a little more relaxed about what you need to do, whether that be go home or stay and try to resolve the accommodation issues your parents have caused. If the latter, I hope you have an enjoyable holiday.

Thank you for your kind words. I completely agree.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 14/07/2026 19:55

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 09:44

The arrangements to get the key was that it was left under a mat so they were able to get it.

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Never in a million years!

AmazeAmazeRocky · 14/07/2026 19:15

Sophue · 14/07/2026 18:58

So who is looking after your teenage children as you don’t say how old they are and how do they feel being left?

🙄

Sophue · 14/07/2026 18:58

So who is looking after your teenage children as you don’t say how old they are and how do they feel being left?

Cornishclio · 14/07/2026 18:51

Do your parents accept your autism and have they educated themselves about challenges many autistic people face? . Feeling out of control, lots of socialising, change of arrangements. All these things can be difficult for autistic people even without the trauma and you missing your DC. Railroading you is not ok and better boundaries are needed in future.

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 16:49

TheThirteenthFairy · 14/07/2026 16:03

We don't care if your partner is male or female. Please don't use 'they' and 'them' in a post where sometimes these words refer to one person and sometimes these refer to two people. I don't want to read, and reread, and go back to check if I'm understanding what you wrote. I often can't be bothered.

In this case she’s talking about her parents but even if it was her partner, it doesn’t really matter saying they/them.

It’s not that confusing to use they/them instead of he/she.

Minasama · 14/07/2026 16:32

They were cheeky but they meant well.
What happened to their accommodation, why couldn’t you just go there?

Agree v cheeky they took the master bedroom - they should have asked you about their plans, not told you.

A difficult situation, not helped by poor communication on all sides.

xinser · 14/07/2026 16:29

Great update OP. My only comment on your original post was that you should have given the option to go back to their accommodation before giving up your cottage. And that is exactly how it has worked out.

Pushing back on what they decide you should do is normal and healthy. It's fine if they don't like it, they are not really supposed to. Do keep trying to connect with what you want and making that happen. And maybe take another night away, properly by yourself this time. Beware of disappearing down the gap between what your teens want and what your parents want, especially as your teens grow up and make their opinions known more forcefully. You did absolutely the right thing putting your foot down with your parents. I hope you could also have done so with your teens if you had preferred to stay home, because as written it looks a bit like it was more their decision than yours.

Shinyandnew1 · 14/07/2026 16:26

TheThirteenthFairy · 14/07/2026 16:18

I took DP to mean dear partner, but she meant dear parents, I think. If she did mean parents, then I was wrong. But what abbreviation would be used for partner?

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You would use DP for partner as well, but in this case it was quite clear she meant parents as that’s who she was talking about.

Zonder · 14/07/2026 16:23

TheThirteenthFairy · 14/07/2026 16:18

I took DP to mean dear partner, but she meant dear parents, I think. If she did mean parents, then I was wrong. But what abbreviation would be used for partner?

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She did mean parents. DP gets used for parents and partner on MN. Like DSiL can mean sister in law or son in law. I guess you just have to look at the context to know which is meant.