Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

260 replies

PeachesxBDA · 14/07/2026 03:26

AIBU to find this inapropriate?

Going to try not to write an essay, but I'm there will be people thinking I'm dripfeeding! Any questions ask...I'll try and put salient points.

This summer myself and my teenage DC were planning on a holiday in the UK. We had a place in mind but then my DP asked us to go somewhere with them. We agreed to do this trip with them instead. I found a small cottage for myself and my DC and they had seperate accomodation. We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. Additionally the teens and I are autistic and need some peace and quiet/time to ourselves. They are always on the go with a packed schedule.

Anyway, sadly something happened the day before we were due to go causing trauma to us all. The teens said they didn't want to go and neither did I, but the teens were concerned about ruining their GPs holiday and suggested I go anyway and I thought maybe the change of scene and time to myself might help. I didn't have much time to think but decided to go ahead once I knew teens would be looked after. I was very sad to go without them.

I decided to take the train and as I would be arriving late my dad offered to pick me up from the station. I said no need but he insisted so I thanked him and agreed. Later it was suggested they stay the night at the cottage as it would be late by the time they'd dropped me off. I agreed.

The journey was long and tiring and I had to hold in tears a lot. But I arrived at the station and was just looking for the exit when there was my dad videoing me, all jolly as if everything was fine. Bit my tongue, greeted him, tried to smile and got in the car. As we approached the cottage he told me it was good the teens hadn't come as it was too rural. We all knew exactly what it eas like - on the edge of a village with lots of walks/shops/cafes etc. Lots of nice walks. Lots of peace and quiet. I bit my tongue again as I was feeling their absence greatly. As we approach my dad tells me that they've decided to stay at the cottage with me as it is so rural. I try to make a joke of it while making clear I was not happy with that. Get told it would be best for them to stay with me. I'm still protesting as we arrive, explain with the recent truama I need some space. Arrive at the cottage where they have got their things all over. I'm just tired and go upstairs to find they have taken the master bedroom unpacked all their things and I'm expected to go in the room my teens were meant to be in, which made me so sad seeing the beds they should have been in.

At this point I snap and say I'll sleep in the lounge and will go home the next day. I explain how much they have upset me and that it is not ok to just decide things like this without speaking to me first. Apparently, they thought I'd be lonely, it's too rural and I'm 'killing them' by not just going along with their change of plans.

OP posts:
SummerDive · 15/07/2026 15:52

Gengha · 15/07/2026 13:47

Why were you crying on the train journey?

Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. If you don’t, not sure how anyone ca. help you.

But the OP DIDand HAS said NO.
She said No to stopping in the same and booked HER OWN cottage - which they then invaded and settled in wo telling her.
And when she realised what they had done, she HAS to,d them to find another accommodation.

It’s not that the OP says nothing. It’s that her parents aren’t respecting her boundaries, think that, by pushing and forcing her to accept their presence, they could get away with it.

Making out tyat the OP is somehow wrong or didn’t do enough and blaming her is shit tbh

SummerDive · 15/07/2026 15:46

Gloriia · 15/07/2026 10:39

Your dad's 'trap'?! Oh dear.

They were worried about you, whatever upset you've gone through clearly they wanted to help. They got it wrong but have listened and did as you asked.

Do try to be more tolerant, they had good intentions.

Show quote history

What in that story makes you think they were worried about the OP?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I mean if I’m worried about one if my adult dcs, I speak to them. I ask them what they want, what they would find helpful.
What I do NOT do is do Something (here staying at the same votrage) that I KNOW they don’t want without telling them and then arrive saying ‘tada! Look I’ve done done xyz!’ And then expect thanks.

And yes the OP was right. Coming to pick her up was a trap.
But then maybe it takes having parents like that to realise that some parents are manipulative and can’t ever think about anyone but themselves. And often under the guise of ‘caring’ or ‘being worried about you’

2Rebecca · 15/07/2026 14:42

I think many people are being overly sympathetic to the parents. If they were really thinking of the OP they would not choose the nicest bedroom for themselves knowing they hadn’t been invited to stay for more than 1 night and the OP rarely gets to sleep in a bed and had paid for it. Being supportive would be not unpacking until the OP arrived and chose her room and then asking if she would like them to stay longer. That is what I would have done as a parent. Why did they not book a nice cottage? Are they cash strapped or is your dad mean? Sad for your mum if the latter. People who have money and won’t spend it are often happy to grap nice stuff if it’s free but resent paying for it.

Gengha · 15/07/2026 13:47

Why were you crying on the train journey?

Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. If you don’t, not sure how anyone ca. help you.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:32

weavingrugs · 14/07/2026 13:29

@PeachesxBDA
Look OP.
This is classic multi generational ND family.
NT posters can analyse all they like, but they probably won’t understand the processing times required to make changes.

At least one of your parents will most likely be ND.

When it comes to processing the change of parent child relationships within ND families, it can easily take double the time.

This is because all of the people involved require longer processing times. Both the parents and the children will need far longer to even become aware that the dynamic between them needs modifications.
I didn’t start to even question the dynamic until I hit 40.
This doesn’t mean that things can’t change but it will take me a long time to make changes and the same for them.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:31

aloris · 14/07/2026 13:26

I think they are CFs to have moved themselves in to the master bedroom of YOUR holiday rental and then act like they were doing you a big favor.

Yes, that is what fucks with my head. Making out they were doing me a favour and trying to get me to feel guilty for not accepting their 'kind offer' (not that an offer was even made. ) Manipulating me to back down on my need for seperate accomadation. Giving me every reason under the sun why they didn't speak to me about it before hand. Apparently, they couldn't speak to me because they were 'in public', my dad was driving, because I was upset etc. etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:23

Mangelwurzelfortea · 14/07/2026 12:56

If you honestly think they were being kind, then you've never experienced parents who endlessly try and push your boundaries. Mine are very similar. It's dressed up as kindness but really it's about control. It's exhausting, relentless and makes you feel like an angry powerless child when you try and push back.

OP - just go home. You don't need this right now and you're clearly not going to enjoy yourself.

Show quote history

I agree. Wish I could assume they were being kind, but experience tells me otherwise. It is exhausting.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 13:19

rainbowstardrops · 14/07/2026 12:52

It all sounds very odd. I would have tried to encourage the teens to come for a change of scenery. I wouldn’t have told the parents that the key would be under a mat (that’s odd in itself. Keys are usually kept in key safes) and it’s odd that they’ve taken over the master bedroom. Did you pay for all of the holiday?

I was suprised about the key but it is so quiet here so presumably the hosts know it's safe. I only told them it was there as I agreed for them to enter the cottage before I arrived. I realise that was a big mistake, though.

I paid for all of my expenses.

OP posts:
Gloriia · 15/07/2026 12:29

PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:50

They knew about the trauma and were aware of the effect it had on me and the teens.

You may have thought me being sad seeing the 2nd bedroom was disproportionate but it was how I felt. Why would I sleep in a room that would make me feel worse than I already was when there was another option?

Personally I wouldn't have taken the double knowing the person letting me stay the night would then have to wash the sheets.

I have no idea if they cancelled their accomodation but they didn't suggest splitting yhe cost....you are missing that they didn't discuss anything! They just quietly moved themselves in while I was travelling there.

They know I would never choose to share with me. They didn't ask as knew I woud say no, I expect. They had all sorts of excuses as to why they didn't speak to me about it.

Yes, you are right they've never taken the time to learn about autism. I do try and talk about it with them occasionally. My mum is more receptive.

Show quote history

Op, kindly, your reactions all sound so very disproportionate.

Your parents were probably trying to be supportive.

Whatever has upset you and your teens with your ex I hope you can get passed it and stop it having such a massive effect on your mood.

Try to be positive, try some calming apps or something to help with your mood and anxiety and try to stop being so very angry at your parents.

Good luck Flowers.

Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:50

MajorProcrastination · 14/07/2026 12:29

Did your parents know about the trauma? Would the trauma have been something your (presumably neurotypical) parents wouldn't have thought was a big deal if they did know about it?

I think your response to seeing a room in a holiday cottage that your teens (who I assume are all well and safe at home as was their choice) would have stayed in was disproportionate and I don't understand why you slept elsewhere.

Yes, annoying that your parents had taken the bigger room that you wanted but from their perspective they'll possibly have thought "there are 2 of us, we'll take the double and seeing as DD is coming on her own, she can have the other room".

Did they cancel the other cottage and suggest splitting the cost of the two? Again, that sounds sensible on paper and I'm guessing they just don't or won't understand why you wanted a whole separate building to them.

Yes you agreed to being in two separate buildings but that's when your teens were joining you.

The comms are bad or non-existent but I don't think it's come from a mean or hateful place.

Can we assume that they don't understand or know much about what autism is, how you and your children experience the world, what you need in place?

They experience the world differently to you.

Without knowing what the trauma was I don't know for sure but I'd also guess that it's shaken you and the teens up enough that you should've just cancelled the whole thing for all of you and told your parents to enjoy their time away.

They knew about the trauma and were aware of the effect it had on me and the teens.

You may have thought me being sad seeing the 2nd bedroom was disproportionate but it was how I felt. Why would I sleep in a room that would make me feel worse than I already was when there was another option?

Personally I wouldn't have taken the double knowing the person letting me stay the night would then have to wash the sheets.

I have no idea if they cancelled their accomodation but they didn't suggest splitting yhe cost....you are missing that they didn't discuss anything! They just quietly moved themselves in while I was travelling there.

They know I would never choose to share with me. They didn't ask as knew I woud say no, I expect. They had all sorts of excuses as to why they didn't speak to me about it.

Yes, you are right they've never taken the time to learn about autism. I do try and talk about it with them occasionally. My mum is more receptive.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:38

Mischance · 14/07/2026 12:25

You do not get on with them and find their arguing distressing but you did agree to go on holiday with them. Once they knew you might be on your own they decided to stay with you to keep you company, which is not wholly unreasonable. They have no way of knowing that you do not want to be with them.

They should have asked you if this was what you wanted.

There is an easy way of knowing which as you say is to ask me!

However, I've stayed wity them before years ago and there were always arguments so I've refused to stay with them for years. So that's a huge clue I woildn't want them staying with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:34

SummerDive · 14/07/2026 12:21

Also I have a dh and a dc on the spectrum.
Bring autistic, POSSIBLY you have no idea about that, the OP certainly doesn’t say they are, does NOT entitle you to behave in a rude manner.

Waiting and asking the person who paid for the cottage and who is going to stay there all week is just common decency. After all these years, if they were autistic, thry ought to have learnt.
Asking if the OP was ok with them staying all week is also just an easy nirmal behaviour to learn.

We need to stop using autism as an excuse for any bad behaviour.
Trust theres already plenty in autism can be hard to live with and does need accommodation. But those aren’t that.

My dad is not autistic. And it is pretty offensive to put his selfish behaviour down to autism. Myself, my kids and our ND friends don't act like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:30

Sparkletastic · 14/07/2026 12:20

What’s happening today OP? Have you decided to go home. Such a shame the teens didn’t come. Might they reconsider?

I got my parents to leave the next morning and I'm still here. They might reconsider , the option is open for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:27

2Rebecca · 14/07/2026 12:17

I do wonder why they weren’t happy with the place they had booked though

I don't think they were unhappy with it, but it is just a guest room in a retirement complex so literally just a bedroom and shower room and not particularly large. I think my dad saw the opportunity to grab a large bedroom, bathroom with bath, large kitchen, sitting room and gsrden for free.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:21

chocoluv · 14/07/2026 12:05

It’s a holiday cottage and so lots of people would have slept in the same bed.
Just change the sheets and it would be fine.

Of course they shouldn’t have just assumed it would be on but most decent people wouldn’t see their elderly parents sleeping on the sofa.

They overstepped but there was nothing malicious in it.

They are likely autistic and just went with the option that made the most common sense.

Show quote history

My dad is not ND. Why would thry be sleeping on the sofa??

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:19

tartyflette · 14/07/2026 12:05

I agree that your parents are a real pain OP and haven’t really listed to your needs and feelings about this holiday.
So are you still there or did you leave?
I suppose the thing now will be to reinforce your boundaries with them, it doesn’t sound as if it will be easy. But I hope you succeed, for your future happiness.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm still here for now. I invited my parents over to the cottage this evening for dinner. My mum and I wanted to go into the nearest city to go shopping which I'd still like to do. But it depends how much of a nightmare my dad will be.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 11:13

ThreadGuardDog · 14/07/2026 11:57

You get that there was an upsetting event the day before they were supposed to go ? Why would you think it was their plan not to go all along ?

Show quote history

They definitely wanted to go

OP posts:
Gloriia · 15/07/2026 10:39

PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:27

I find it so exhausting having to be careful of every word you utter. I realise now there was no need for the waiting at the cottage and staying the night...I just walked into my dad's trap.

Show quote history

Your dad's 'trap'?! Oh dear.

They were worried about you, whatever upset you've gone through clearly they wanted to help. They got it wrong but have listened and did as you asked.

Do try to be more tolerant, they had good intentions.

MibsXX · 15/07/2026 09:38

ThatCosy · 14/07/2026 04:48

I honestly only really see the parents perspective here and I always hate how peopleon MN blame the original poster for everything.

It seems like your parents are constantly trying to reach out to you and try to cheer you up and you don't want it. Trying to make connection is normal, loving parental behaviour. I don't know why there's the miscommunication but I imagine your parents love you very much and feel constantly rejected.

My mum was exactly like this, always took over , took charge and knew best. If I ever stepped out of line to say anything, whatsoever, I had to apologise immediately and do as she said, right up untill age 50 ( me) Hate is a strong word, but equally why do we have to always bow dow n to our parents? She's gone now, and I do miss you, I do NOT however miss the control, the stress, the constant put-downs..

Sartre · 15/07/2026 07:36

You don’t get on well with your parents yet decided to change your holiday plans to suit them, that was the first mistake. I also think your parents were genuinely trying to be thoughtful and almost protective. They knew you were coming alone, it’s very rural and they didn’t want you to be on your own. Maybe they thought solitude wouldn’t be for the best. I don’t think they meant any malice at all but because you dislike them for whatever reason, you have taken it this way.

Zonder · 15/07/2026 07:29

PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:27

I find it so exhausting having to be careful of every word you utter. I realise now there was no need for the waiting at the cottage and staying the night...I just walked into my dad's trap.

Show quote history

Did they move out after the first night?

Mindtheagp · 15/07/2026 07:19

I don’t think you can be sure your dad’s NT, op. I often see ND people being very resistant to other people, as yet undiagnosed, being potentially ND. This situation reads to me like everyone involved is NT and none of you can handle disagreement very well, nor do you have sufficient consideration for other people’s feelings

pragmatismuniversalsentimentalist · 15/07/2026 06:55

PeachesxBDA · 15/07/2026 00:27

I find it so exhausting having to be careful of every word you utter. I realise now there was no need for the waiting at the cottage and staying the night...I just walked into my dad's trap.

Show quote history

Gosh OP you sound exhausting overthinking a pretty normal scenario where your parents offered to pick you up from the station and you agreed to it.

I agree with a PP - you clearly love your own children dearly yet don't see that your parents love you and you keep them at arms length and are quite unpleasant about them. I suspect they find your behaviour quite confusing when you do things like agree to the holiday but then clearly dont want them there.

I wonder how you will feel when your own children start to do the same to you - thats the scenario you are modelling to them right now.

Booboobagins · 15/07/2026 00:48

Communication is everything.

Talk to them, don't get angry. They thought they were helping you.

Anonyanonay · 15/07/2026 00:37

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time and your parents are such arseholes.