AIBU to think my parents overstepped on our holiday arrangements?

Are you still on holiday op, are you having a nice time?

Op I think it sounds like you’ve done a great job of managing your own boundaries and not overreacting overall. Next time book a cab so there is no risk of them overstepping. They don’t respect your boundaries, or even realise what they are it would seem, so you must be extra careful. No shared keys.

i have a fractious relationship with my parents, they have a damaging relationship and my childhood was pretty unhappy. Every time we meet up, I am transported right back to my teenage stroppy persona that I left behind in all other respects years ago. It makes meeting up incredibly stressful. I am much older now and choosing to avoid at all costs. You seem to have a decent balance with yours but what you said about ‘stropping off’ really resonated and I know how awful it can feel to return to that person you once were but no longer are.

What in that story makes you think they were worried about the OP?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I mean if I’m worried about one if my adult dcs, I speak to them. I ask them what they want, what they would find helpful.
What I do NOT do is do Something (here staying at the same votrage) that I KNOW they don’t want without telling them and then arrive saying ‘tada! Look I’ve done done xyz!’ And then expect thanks.

And yes the OP was right. Coming to pick her up was a trap.
But then maybe it takes having parents like that to realise that some parents are manipulative and can’t ever think about anyone but themselves. And often under the guise of ‘caring’ or ‘being worried about you’

I think many people are being overly sympathetic to the parents. If they were really thinking of the OP they would not choose the nicest bedroom for themselves knowing they hadn’t been invited to stay for more than 1 night and the OP rarely gets to sleep in a bed and had paid for it. Being supportive would be not unpacking until the OP arrived and chose her room and then asking if she would like them to stay longer. That is what I would have done as a parent. Why did they not book a nice cottage? Are they cash strapped or is your dad mean? Sad for your mum if the latter. People who have money and won’t spend it are often happy to grap nice stuff if it’s free but resent paying for it.

Why were you crying on the train journey?

Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. If you don’t, not sure how anyone ca. help you.

Gosh OP you sound exhausting overthinking a pretty normal scenario where your parents offered to pick you up from the station and you agreed to it.

I agree with a PP - you clearly love your own children dearly yet don't see that your parents love you and you keep them at arms length and are quite unpleasant about them. I suspect they find your behaviour quite confusing when you do things like agree to the holiday but then clearly dont want them there.

I wonder how you will feel when your own children start to do the same to you - thats the scenario you are modelling to them right now.

It's not always easy to do the calm think when feeling very emotional and being triggered left right and centre. Change is something that sends me into panic/meltdown at the best of times let alone when I was feeling emotionally fragile.

The difference with my parents was I respected and facilitated their needs. My parents ignored my boundaries and weren't even aware of my needs and then ignored them when I voiced them.

You've invited them? Does that mean they have moved out of the cottage, and more importantly out of the master bedroom? I hope so.

I'm so sorry for all this upset OP. It sounds like after having a good night's sleep you were able to speak calmly to your parents and clear the air. I'm glad they've gone to where they were meant to be staying, and hope that some time alone in a lovely location, will give you some peace. Look after yourself, and enjoy your holiday.

So who is looking after your teenage children as you don’t say how old they are and how do they feel being left?

Do your parents accept your autism and have they educated themselves about challenges many autistic people face? . Feeling out of control, lots of socialising, change of arrangements. All these things can be difficult for autistic people even without the trauma and you missing your DC. Railroading you is not ok and better boundaries are needed in future.

They were cheeky but they meant well.
What happened to their accommodation, why couldn’t you just go there?

Agree v cheeky they took the master bedroom - they should have asked you about their plans, not told you.

A difficult situation, not helped by poor communication on all sides.

Great update OP. My only comment on your original post was that you should have given the option to go back to their accommodation before giving up your cottage. And that is exactly how it has worked out.

Pushing back on what they decide you should do is normal and healthy. It's fine if they don't like it, they are not really supposed to. Do keep trying to connect with what you want and making that happen. And maybe take another night away, properly by yourself this time. Beware of disappearing down the gap between what your teens want and what your parents want, especially as your teens grow up and make their opinions known more forcefully. You did absolutely the right thing putting your foot down with your parents. I hope you could also have done so with your teens if you had preferred to stay home, because as written it looks a bit like it was more their decision than yours.

Many people don't seem to have noticed this important info in the OP:

"We wanted to make them happy but also know we would never want to share accomodation due to their constant arguments - something I grew up with and still puts me on edge now. We also find them fine in small doses so I spoke to them and said we would spend a few days with them and a few days on our own, additionally the teens may want to do their own thing at times. They tried to overide this but I reiterated it and would have stuck to it. "
Also the parents saying OP is "killing them" by not going along with the parents unasked-for reworking of the plans is HIGHLY manipulative.

Look after yourself OP, you have grown up with parents who didn't allow you to be yourself. This dysfunction would have made you more vulnerable to abuse from a partner, as has evidently happened.

There are a bunch of books that could help you, Susan Forwards "Toxic Parents" being one. If that title is too scary for you right now perhaps try Lindsay C Gibson's "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents".
Also look at the Stately Homes threads here where you will find people who truly understand your situation and won't throw out stupid comments about your parents are only trying to be nice. They want to control you regardless of what you want.

I wish you well.

We don't care if your partner is male or female. Please don't use 'they' and 'them' in a post where sometimes these words refer to one person and sometimes these refer to two people. I don't want to read, and reread, and go back to check if I'm understanding what you wrote. I often can't be bothered.

That sounds perfect ❤️

I’m glad you spoke to them and they listened to you.

I think you were distressed over the trauma, upset your DCs weren’t coming and tired from the journey and so things just got on top of you.

It sounds as though staying in a rural cottage is exactly what you need right now 💐

I think in retrospect with their controlling personalities that was a mistake. Once it became clear they felt they had to stay overnight the first night if they were to pick you up because wherever they are staying is far too far away for them to just drive back I would have said in that case I would get a taxi or drive. I think if you get public transport you do make yourself dependent on the person giving a lift if they are anti taxi which many older people are. They maybe felt if you are that remote with no car they’d be doing all the driving. They still should have asked before assuming they could stay more than 1 night but I would have still taken a car to have more independence or not told them I was getting a train and just said I’d see them the day after I arrived so they had no reason to come to my house on arrival day and got settled in their own place

I think this is a little dramatic.

They never insisted it was too quiet or too rural, they were just trying to make her feel better because she was upset that her teens had not wanted to come to the trip that she was so looking forward to spending with them.

It was planned ahead of time that they would stay the night and so it’s reasonable that they would have unpacked some of their things.

They overstepped by assuming that they could stay the entire time but assumed that as OP was meant to be going there with her DCs and now was alone, that she’d be lonely and would welcome the company.

OP was in a bit of a sensitive mood, almost crying because the journey was long and then because her dad was being jolly and so anything they did was wrong.
She was being silly about not sleeping in the ‘girls beds’ when they’d never even visited the cottage.

She was tired and so I would have gone to bed and see how I felt in the morning.
If I still didn’t want the parents staying then I would have spoke to them in the morning.

I don’t believe there was anything intentionally malicious in their actions.