DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I'm so sorry OP. He's an utter cunt.

My DS only needed telling ONCE when he was 7 that he wasn't allowed to talk to others about certain aspects of my having had cancer. And what happened to you is way more traumatic and personal.

Gobsmacking. Have you challenged him as to what kind of "emergency" he envisioned this having happened in your past would cause him ever having to drop everything and leave work for? Or how it would affect your MiL looking after your DC? I would be fuming right now. And it's him I'd be putting on the hot spot. In what universe did he ever think telling all and sundry your private hell would be helpful to you?

Does he think it makes him look more exciting or something? Unbelievable.

Who else has he told? Give him one chance to literally list everyone.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be able to get over this. These are a number of conversations over the years with a number of unconnected people, not one of whom needed to know.

He has been working and presumably has the money to say ‘look, I need to talk to someone about this, if I pay for a few counselling sessions are you okay with that?’

And does he not have the strength of personality to say to his friends ‘why the hell are you joking about rape?’. Why can’t he say it anyway, why does it have to rely on what happened to you, they shouldn’t be joking about it under any circumstance.

I'm so sorry your husband has done this, OP. You must be so devastated.

The only reason that comes to mind is he wants to appear to be your fucking hero. To everyone else because sadly your needs come last.

The nail in the coffin imo that he told his dm and his boss. All about him.

What a bastard, he's used your suffering as gossip and social currency Op. I hope you're fucking furious by now because it's time to stop be reasonable, it's time to verbally rip his head off. My God, I'm so sorry Op

I’m so sorry OP. I have been through a similar trauma in my past and the thought of so many people knowing just turns my stomach. It really does seem that we can’t trust any of them 😔

Can he really not see that it wasn't his story to tell, and that he's breached your right as a rape victim to lifelong anonymity?

Sorry, but this would be it for me. He's a trauma thief who's been dining out on your ordeal for years to elicit sympathy for himself. It's sickening.

No, your husband’s boss didn’t need to know. If something had come up and he needed to leave in an emergency all he had to say is “sorry family emergency I need to leave”. Nor your MIL (as looking after the children WTF has that got to do with anything?!) unless YOU wanted her to know. I stand by my previous comment that he’s been telling everyone to make him look like a hero as your saviour and reducing you from your past trauma.

Good grief! Has your DH got verbal diarrhea OP, as it seems he can't stop himself blabbing about your personal trauma? I suspect that just about everyone he's ever talked to since meeting you, knows at the rate he's been going. I honestly don't think I could continue my relationship with him after this, as he clearly doesn't have any idea of what is appropriate to share with others, and probably discusses your sex life with his mates too.

I'm SO sorry.

I'm sorry OP, that your husband has turned out not to be the man you thought he was. Your husband told his boss, 'in case he needed to leave work early'...so he's disclosed your personal information, and in the process has probably made you out to be mentally unstable. So he's used your trauma as a convenient excuse should be wish to bunk off early?! He's told his Mum, to a degree I do understand that but it should have been something you consented too. As I said further up thread, your husband has likely told all in sundry, and it appears sadly I am correct.

Your husband is making extremely poor excuses as to why he's chosen to tell all these people your personal information. No one needed to know. You told him, in confidence because he's your husband, and you trusted him. It should have never gone any further than your husband.

Could it be that he wants to be seen as the 'good guy', 'the hero', 'the loving husband who protects his wife' etc because it gives him a ego boost, and he likes the attention?

The only appropriate response, is for your husband to walk away from the friendship group. How can your husband remain in a friendship group that B is part of? If he does, then he's minimising what happened to you and B's behaviour. In which case, I couldn't stay married to him.

This is gross. Your dh has basically taken your trauma and made it his whole life to outsiders.

How he always needs extra care attention time and forgiveness even at work because you know just in case. Because of what happened to the mrs you know…

I find that creepy. Why is what happened to you sexually years before you met so important to your dh’s entire life. Why does his boss and his mates and his mum need to know. Why has he given them all the details.

Did dh know about it before you got married? Before you got engaged?

Did he just want a woman to play protector to, to make him look good to his peers.

This is horrific, I'm so sorry. I really think I would struggle to get past this. It goes well beyond needing to share with one or two people to get support (and even that should only have been with your explicit permission).

He really does seem to have been gossiping about it to everyone in his life and the only reason I can imagine is that he feels it makes him look like some kind of heroic do gooder. It's disgusting.

Reposting this from Brick because it is important

Dear God OP, this is an absolute outrage.

This was not his information to share among all and sundry, how dare he? I am speechless and incensed on your behalf.

Only you can decide if you can ever move past this colossal betrayal of trust and what if any actions you'd require from him to be able to do this.

Is he facing up to the hurt he has caused you in any meaningful way?

So the boss says to dh your performance/time keeping etc has been really poor
recently, and dh no doubt says eyed downcast that things are really difficult at home, you know how it is.

Dh knows his boss is never going to challenge him on that, or push the subject after his disclosure. My fucking god op. What kind of man does this?

It is being used as a catch all excuse in every area of his life, he has probably realised it has helped no end as he escapes scrutiny. Meanwhile you are entirely unaware at home.

I would be packing his bags.
He has been dining on this for years. Saint dh dealing with his poor Mrs at home.

No wonder his friends felt they could joke in YOUR house about rape, and why B was so comfortable causing so much harm to you in public, they all know what he is doing to you. They also mock dh for the limp weak leech that he is - this is so terribly toxic at any stage of your recovery, and for your dd. I am so sorry.

You husband is a attention seeking vile gossip. There would be no coming back from this for me.

I would not want my children looking up to him either. Pathetic individual.

This makes no sense, why would an awful thing that happened to you as a teen mean he needs to leave work in an emergency?
How is this anything other than your Husband being as sick and twisted as his friend? He either gets a kick out of discussing it or he is treating it as a fun little bit of gossip that everyone must know.

There is part of me genuinely hoping this isnt real as its really fucked up

I agree.

So he has literally gone around telling everyone and using as gossip. Im sorry but that is vile

The more I think about this, the more horrified I am as the full understanding of it all sinks in further. I can't imagine what this must be like for you to be experiencing OP. I think if my DH betrayed me like this, our relationship would be over - whether we stayed together or not. I'd never feel the same about him ever again.

Also anyone who thinks it’s fair for a woman who’s been victimised by men to then be discussed without her consent in an all male environment is on crack. They just want to get together, reaffirm their bond, make it your fault/blame you for being touchy, and move on and expect you to abide.

Here is whose fault this is:

1. your husband
2. B
3. the rest of them

Here is whose fault it isn’t:

1. you

It's horrendous that your husband took away the one thing you could control about your ordeal - your control over who to tell about it - and he's taken this away from you and not even bothered to tell you? Does he not have any respect for you or for your relationship?

I wonder whether he's used it to garner sympathy from people like his boss. I also wonder whether anything is sacred amongst his friends, it seems that they all expect full disclosure about partners and sex lives, given how brazen B was when he tried to force you to discuss it.

I think this would be relationship ending for many women. They say that relationships fail when one partner prioritises something external above the relationship itself - often to do with money or external parties like affairs, in-laws etc. Your husband must know that unless he shows his marriage is more important than his friendship group (who let's face it, want him to prove that they are more important to him than you are, so things to go back to normal) why would you stay?

There's no need to be sorry.

He's an utter disgrace.

It does sound as if he has used this to sound important.

This. Exactly this, with bells on.

Utterly abhorrent behaviour from your husband and it speaks of his character.

I’m so sorry.