DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I would be fuming with my husband
No matter what, he had no right to tell anyone about it.
I think personally, i couldnt get over the betrayal of my husband

That's the biggest betrayal OP.

I don't think I could ever trust him again after this.

Precisely. I feel white hot rage just thinking about it.

Came to say this. When there has been a huge breach of trust by your husband involving another person, in order for trust to be rebuilt (if you want the marriage to continue, that is, and that is your choice), he HAS to cut off all contact with said person / people to show he is serious about moving forward. This will also prevent that person from raising the betrayal again, intentionally, unintentionally, or just by their sheer presence (which would be a trigger in itself)

He needs to choose you or them. There is no other way. Sending huge hugs, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Betrayal is so painful.

This is just awful.

B is despicable and just needs to be cancelled by the group. The fact that they're not keen to do this, and the fact that apparently your DH told them in the first place because of their off-colour jokes suggests that they're all pretty awful and that your DH needs new friends.

But he doesn't seem to see it like that. The way he's handling the fallout from this is even worse than the initial betrayal of trust and confidentiality imo, and that was utterly awful in itself. Plus it's starting to seem as though he's told all and sundry for the flimsiest reasons. Has he been getting off on the attention? If so, it's hardly surprising his revelations have attracted the attention of a predatory voyeur like B.

All of this is just a snapshot of a small part of your marriage and I don't want to be part of a kneejerk LTB brigade but if I'm honest this would have me questioning the future of my marriage. The fact that he's doing anything other than apologising unreservedly and telling his friends to fuck off is a big, big problem imo. You should not be bearing the brunt of this awful situation.

Fwiw I think messaging them all yourself was the right thing to do, brave, and probably how I would have handled it too.

for you, OP.

Also.
"I don't want an argument." before exiting, when you are trying to discuss something

A convenient way to not only shut you up but also make you wary of trying to continue getting the point across later.

It's like putting his hands over his ears and singing. It suggests he doesn't want to hear how it made you feel because... that might damage his lovely friendship group and if you could just forget about it - it would all go awaay and he could stop worrying about it.

I am so sorry OP. You husband has dined out on this for years. There seems to be no one he has not told. He has let you down.

Like other posters I think he is an attention seeking twat. Weak, and needs to make himself look good. You deserve so much better. Please deal with him. Your daughter deserves a better role model.

Where is this idiots self respect? Who allows a group of ignorant men to dictate to him that they need a meeting about your trauma. This thread has made me more angry than any other I have read.

I’m so sorry OP. There is no good explanation for this. He has been gossiping about you in the most brutal way.

You need IRL support. You said upthread that you had told a friend about some of what has happened in the last few days but she doesn’t know about the actual rape. Do you think you could tell her? You really do need someone to help you through this. Sending you love 💐

He's not a people pleaser. I think the PP who said communal narcissist is spot on. He's used your trauma, OP, to attract attention and make himself look like a hero. To draw people's sympathy. What a fucking cunt.

A pp said that what B has done is verbal sexual assult. Anyone legal on here know if it constitutes something like sexual harrassment or similar?
Knowing your history and that you had been traumatised. He also willfully told you that your husband had told him, which he must have known would cause disruptions in your marriage. The way he said it as if he knew your DH was wrong, knowing that would affect you and make you want to ask how? Why? setting up a conversation. He then started in with his pervy questions.

Wouldn't that be gross misconduct if at work? What he has done feels like a crime (even if it turns out not to be)

OP. Could you call a rape crisis centre for advice as it is connected to your previous trauma

Also, the confident, intrusive manner in which this was done (and as a pp said sitting alone in a bar where women congregate) really seems to illustrate his mindset and that he obviously thought he could get away with this. Is it possible that he already has some existing complaints against him.?

Maybe you have grounds to ask the Police to warn him. (I'm not an expert, but an RC would know) His behaviour has made you feel unsafe.

So that's one half of the problem.
The second half is your DH texting things like this to this horrible bastard.
"'I’ve known you both as long as each other and I want to try and maintain what we have whilst sorting out these issues.'

Is he a complete people pleaser? He needs a group of 7 people to tell him how to feel about this? Doesn't he realise that in insulting you, B has also insulted DH, enquiring into DH's sex life as well as yours actually.
Why is DH having to think twice about this? B effectively landed DH in it too, telling you in the worst possible way that they all knew.
I'm assuming DH is very low in the pecking order of this group if its OK by him and everyone else for B to behave like this. B is an evil Iago. "| want to try and maintain what we have"... ie what B and DH have? That almost sounds like B has taken offence at being called out and now DH is worried he's gone too far (all assumptions of course) Why do all of them get to decide how things go forward in a matter that really doesnt;t concern them. Tell their wives, they also need to be warned about B.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. I hope you can find some RL support to get through this. You mentioned you've had therapy, I hope you are able to talk to someone.

OP this must be so overwhelming.

I just wanted to send you a hug. And an extra hug to your vulnerable 17y self who was violated so appallingly.

You sound like you have done an incredible job, building a life up for yourself and engaging with difficult therapy. You are amazing. I am sure you will be prioritising your children through all this.

You are strong. You have got through some awful times, and you will get through this too. Please find somebody who can offer you unconditional support and fight your corner. You need someone you can trust by your side x

I'm so, so sorry OP. I agree with others, I think this is relationship ending. I understand that is easy to say and hard to do, but it is such an utter betrayal.
It does seem your DH has used this as social currency. IF he felt he needed any support, and IF he felt he couldn't discuss it with you, at most he needed to tell a close friend that he knew you'd been 'been through some stuff' or that you've 'been treated badly by men in the past' and then moved on to himself, eg that it made him feel protective, or he felt helpless, as your current partner. There is no situation in which it was necessary for him to tell any details about what you have been through.

I'm really creeped out by Bs actions too. The route he was going down seems to me to have a lot in common with rape fantasy/rape porn. It's also the justification that some sex abusers use, that the victim wasn't a victim because they have become hyper sexualised as a consequence of their trauma, therefore they were seeking it/asking for it. I'm sorry to say that I suspect he preserved because he was getting a thrill about talking to you about it. It's absolutely awful behaviour and Im not only horrified at Bs actions, but I'm worried that your DH isn't seeing the seriousness of that either.

I can't imagine what you're going through and I really hope you have some real life support to help you put a stop to this utter gaslighting, and to take control of whatever you decide you want to happen next.

Your DP is an attention seeking twat who has taken your trauma and made it all about himself. I don't think I could forgive him for that

Im so sorry OP. You deserve better from all of them.

O no OP that’s dreadful why has he been telling everybody? 😔

the only one maybe I could forgive as (because I don’t know yours and his dynamics) is MIL if he was looking at how to support you but otherwise why would it even up come up?

and his boss? Just WHY!

I hope he is apologising profusely?

This really changes everything doesn't it, even decisions like whether you tell your children about the assault are now no longer under your full control, since so many other people now know.

You must feel so betrayed by your husband. He should be grovelling.

Divorce divorce divorce

It seems he has integrated your trauma into his identity and life story as if it’s his own, seeing the value of a poor me story, and wheeling it out every now and then for shock, attention or to excuse his behaviour when he needs it. What abject weakness of character to use the deeply personal and sensitive life changing trauma that you shared with him in GOOD FAITH like this. Trusting him enough to tell him the most difficult parts of your history, and he has monetised and used it like a currency to buy favour/ease and attention.

I can feel tears in my eyes imagining the pain of this for you op. To have the very man you thought loved you. Even the fact you questioned whether he would hate you creates alarm bells, because you know you can not rely on him. Not at all.

I don’t know how he can turn this around at this point. This is who he has always been.

Tell B to go to hell.

Your husband basically uses what happened to you as story fodder and work excuses.

I'd divorce. This is massively toxic any way you look at it.

He’s wearing it like some badge of honour or to make himself ‘interesting’ and a main character, or even to skive at work I guess. Never has a boss needed to know such information btw.

At no point as he thought about you or even the general social norm of not discussing someone else’s very private information.

I assume he responded appropriately and was supportive when you told him - and has never appeared to he this type of guy- makes it harder now though I know.

He needs to understand what an almighty fuck up he made of this and how very wrong it has all been - if you do see any way through this, or even if you don’t as you have kids together.

It’s the worst thing to find everyone knows something so personal about you - it’s all on him though for being such an absolute dickhead (not the word I wanted to use) so keep your head up high and be proud of how far you’ve come whilst taking time to consider next steps. 💗

If you were realy struggling and did routinely or potentially need your Dh to rush home at short notice.... it still would be uncessary to diclose this level of detail.

I agree with the poster who said he seems to be dining out on your trauma. And he's either making it about him - seekign sympathy and support from everyone he knows because it's SOOOOOO hard for him to manage his feelings about this trauma that happened to you or, worse, he's using it to paint you as some traumatised victim who behaves erratically/is unreliable.

God, it's mental.

I agree with this. It's as though he actually loves the drama and notoriety of what happened to OP and telling other people about it makes him feel more interesting and exciting. He'll also enjoy the vicarious sympathy.

OH OP there's not coming back from this is there? I am so sorry you have wasted 9 years of your life with a moronic arsehole. I hope you have got some genuine in real life support. We are all here hand holding.

This is absolute BS nonsense.

Absolutely disgraceful and a huge breech of trust.
Just an awful awful thing to do

This is jaw dropping lying awful - i hope you are getting support IRL

What he has done is such a violation
Given he has done ot on repeat so many times he is clearly "getting something out of it"... playing the good guy, garnering 2nd hand sympathy....something

Ahhhhh I'm so sorry love.

I wish I could support you in person. But do know there are many women here who are beyond outraged at where you find yourself today.

I just hope that your husband turns this around, realises the enormity of his betrayal and makes some sort of amends. If you still want him to of course.