DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

OP, I am so very sorry for everything that has happened.
I actually cannot believe how B behaved. He seems to be a very sick individual.
I can’t get my head around your dh telling all those people either, does he normally overshare?
As for the group not wanting you to make them uncomfortable, well I’m lost for words.
Sending you a huge ((hug)).

Unless you have ongoing trauma that means potential disruption in day to day life, he had no need to tell anyone.

In which case, he is sick.

He cannot be excused in any other way.

15 pages in and how upsetting a thread this is. @Anon8761 my heart goes out to you. I am so deeply sorry you are having to go through all this.

But, the rage I personally feel is at your H. B is scum of the earth, but only got to act this way because of what your H disclosed to them.

This has made me rethink my ideas on betrayal. A trauma like this is nobodies to tell except the one it happened to. I would never ever betray someone in this way. Not a friend, nobody. Yet the husband did, and in OP's own home too. It beggars belief.

It is actually also so shocking that he told them in order to shush down whatever it was they were saying. He threw you under a bus rather than throw them out.

And now there are chats, talks of meetings over a concern for B. WTF

It takes homosocial to a dark level. I hate these men, including H.

You say 7 people know, guaranteed they shared this most private information. Utter low lifes. I would divorce over this. The betrayal and subsequent hand wringing over B would be my walk away moment.

But it is your life OP. I hope you take some comfort from the overwhelming support on here and seek it when you need it. Don't be cajoled into minimizing this though, your H has betrayed you in a way I think is unforgivable.

I’m so sorry for what you have been thru @Anon8761

As for your DH, shit would hit the fan if that was my partner. He has broken your trust by telling not one, not two but multiple people. You told him in confidence and he’s just went around informing others of your private business and that is crazy. I know personally I wouldn’t could forgive him for that. When you get into a relationship one of the big things you do is trust the other person and he’s proven to have broken that.

He should NOT be meeting these people to discuss you. If there is a conversation to be had then it should involve you but to be honest I’d be dealing with him first.

It’s your private business and no one else’s to share.

Your DH is a huge blabber mouth. I would be seething. I really hope he’s eating humble pie over this.

In future if ever a creepy weirdo oversteps the mark with you, stand up for yourself and tell them to go fuck themselves.

When you’re at this meeting make sure you don’t leave any detail out of this creep’s behaviour. Do not let him minimise it.

i should have said since her dh arrived home. I am putting my baby to sleep and rushed my post.

Youre not very good at noticing things then, she has 13 posts on this thread.

She's been back several times.

I have noticed Op hasn’t been back

What happened to you is such an awful thing, that it’s so so obvious it’s not the sort of thing you would share. You don’t need to say ‘please keep this to yourself’ you just would! I just can not believe he’s told a soul. Maybe just maybe, I could forgive him sharing it with his Mum in the early days of your relationship to maybe offload and get a female perspective. But to tell 7 male mates, his boss too - it’s so fucking disrespectful.

I told my DH that I didn’t want anyone to know about our IVF and he respected that, but your scenario requires a whole different level of sensitivity and discretion. He’s he thick? How can he not appreciate that?

100 percent this. I would be scared to be alone with a man like that. He sounds dangerously interested in rape.

I am really sorry OP. I hope your okay. This is horrific. Please look after yourself. What your husband has done is awful. Do not let him get away with it.

Do what you need to do

Yeah this. To be honest as soon as read that the husband kept telling OP “I have your back” I thought yeah he doesn’t have your back. Someone who has to keep telling you they have clearly doesn’t.

Oh my God why on earth has he told everyone??! What is wrong with him? He doesn’t need to tell every fucker. My husband has never told anyone about my SA. How can you trust your husband now?!

I’m in California and the closest you can get to here is London by the way the crow flies:
it’s 5300+ miles, &
8600 kilometers between the two.
That is far - but if you hear.me screaming, I do very much apologise.
I would NEVER EVER EVER SPEAK TO MY HJSBAND AGAIN.
EVER
That dude and his big fat mouth have caused you more unnecessary heartache and anxiety than one girl should ever have to endure.
In sickness in and health my arse - unless he causes the sickness, dontcha know.
I’d sure enough arrange that meet-up - and then reveal that your husband bites his toenails while he watches tv or he rubs his underarms and then licks his fingers.
Just think of the most grossest, most disgusting thing that your husband could possibly do in private and fell all his buddies at this meeting.

Turnabout is fair play. And it can be humorous.

And I’m sending you love across a continent and an ocean ❤️

I think it's nuts that your husband's friends have the fucking nerve to think they have any business having an intervention about B deliberately trying to trigger you.

And he did. Most people would have apologized, not doubled down. B got off on trying to trigger a victim of sexual violence. He's trying to do it again in front of more people under the guise of a discussion of your trauma and issues in front of a bunch of people. This is not him acting in good faith.

Interventions are done under the guidance of trained professionals. These guys aren't and would know better than to go anywhere near this shit show if they were.

His friends want to play with you and the trauma you carry like a toy.

I think this is sick and disordered and toxic and you need to get somewhere safe. Seek mental health support ASAP if you're not under care, this is people close to you acting in bad faith and gaslighting you into something that would be traumatic. I think it's a form of emotional and psychological abuse.

You are not their entertainment.

This is a huge, huge betrayal of trust. And his excuses for telling boss and MiL are pathetic and ridiculous and most probably lies. What, did he think he'd have to rush from work because you were having a 'breakdown'? He knows better than that, especially as I'm sure he knows the hard work you put in to dealing with the trauma. No, most likely he told his boss to garner sympathy or as an excuse to take a day off. As for telling MiL, did he think your children were 'at risk from you' so MiL needed to 'keep a special eye' on them'? Chances are he just wanted her to know. Even if there'd been some sort of disagreement with MiL and you, using what happened to you to 'explain it away' is the rankest betrayal.

I'm not saying LTB unless that is what you want to do. But if that's not your immediate decision, I do think that it wouldn't hurt for the two of you to see a marriage counselor. You need to be able to vent and rage at him in a 'controlled environment' (ie he has to shut up and listen) and he needs to understand that he didn't just 'cross a line', he leapt over the Grand Canyon. He needs to really 'get' that your trust is broken and he's going to have to work hard to earn it back. If that's even possible.

@Anon8761 OP, your husband is a very, very, very weird man and so it follows that his friends are too. Absolutely none of this falls into the category of normal. Not even close. It's like something from a nihilistic film plot. I sincerely hope you're making plans to leave this twisted and toxic cult.

I’ve read your updates that a boss, mil know as well etc. I’d have to end my relationship over this as I could never trust the person who broke my confidence again. So very sorry op.

I do understand how it feels as as I put in my previous comment I was attacked at the same age.

You are married to a disgusting pig. It actually sounds as if he might get off on discussing it. I'm so sorry OP. What is being suggested - this round table discussion of your deeply private past - is so, so beyond normal it's hard to even put it into words. I really don't think you should go though, it will be like dogs circling prey. You are being forced to relive it and discuss it by your scum of a husband. It isn't up for discussion, how fucking dare your husband even consider that it is.

So sorry OP. I was attacked and raped by a stranger at the same age as you. I’m in my 50s now and have ptsd etc. life is hard.

I have no advice I’m afraid apart from I would no longer be married to my husband if they did that.

The only people who know what happened to me are on here as I’m anonymous, my current DP and we never discuss it, one friend and one parent. This subject is not up for discussion ever.

The only reason why dh would ever be okay with B’s despicable behaviour will be because it’s entirely accepted behaviour in his group, and has been for decades. Understood between them
as in line with the norm. They might have material on dh or other examples of his own behaviour - and so this is how it is controlled and enforced.

Within the group this will be blamed squarely on op. She will be seen as the one causing trouble and being over the top.

My basic assumption is that dh can’t and won’t stand up to B or the group, he has only one option to exit, and it’s debatable whether he will do that - he might fudge it and lie to op, and hope in time it all passes. Either way she is left with this huge betrayal, living with a man happy to throw her under a bus, and one that does not respect her courage or feelings.

Op, I have read all your replies and honestly I cant believe what I have read.

I'm am so sorry you are going through this.

Your husband had no right telling anyone about this, what he has done is abhorrent.

What the so called friend did is horrific too. Speaking about something so personal, so others could hear. He was obviously getting some kind gratification from it, there is no way he didn't know how this would make you feel or that it was inappropriate.

Now they are trying to blame/shame you by saying how much it will affect them.

They are all worthless pieces of 💩. You owe them nothing and deserve so much better. Xx

💐

He’s used your trauma for validation. He’s a disgusting man and you need to get out of this relationship. The trust has gone and he’s scum.
you are the company you keep and if his friend said things like that to you I wonder what they talk about in the “lads group chat”.

I’m sorry but your husband is clearly the issue here, I thought that before you even said he’d told his boss and his mum. It was the fact he told all his mates, lied to you and clearly wants to meet with them and brush this under the carpet and continue as it was.

he has betrayed your trust. And I suspect the way b spoke about it to you is indicative of how your husband speaks about it. And that’s why the group think a meeting is fine. As he’s had similar conversations about you with them. He’s even discussed your sex life.

im sorry but for Me, my marriage would be over.