DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

Your husband was very wrong to disclose your history without your express permission. I'd struggle to get past that.
As for even entertaining the idea of a group chat about this incident, what's wrong with the man?
You have been grievously wronged, by your husband's friend, as a result of your husband's awful indiscretion.
He should be bending over backwards now to try and reduce the harm to you, putting you and your needs as top priority, never mind pandering round this group of boors and busy bodies.
I'd be telling him that he had 'issues' to sort out at home.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. B is a creepy weirdo. End of discussion. I think reading between the lines he is one of those creepy dudes who has fantasies about controlling women and the alcohol has made his mouth loose. DH has behaved appalling. If he cannot bring himself to tell B he was bang out of order for 1) thinking it was appropriate to break DHs confidence 2) speak to you about a beyond traumatic event when he was not invited to do so 3) make you uncomfortable (and in my book, deliberately went out of his way to do so and seems to have got a kick out of it this increasing the creepy weirdo behaviour) and 4) somehow try to wheedle his way out of being a creepy leech by suggesting that they need a boys pow wow to discuss how to deal with the situation - the situation being your very understandable anger to any one with a small dose of common sense, then honestly your DH does not have your back at all. Playing devil's advocate for a moment I can understand to a degree him telling someone - I suspect he carries guilt from not being there to prevent the attack even though you might not have known each other then, but for that someone to use that info to "one up" you or to ask you deeply personal questions about your sex life, is utterly appalling and has all the hall marks of a sexual predator. Rather than showing MIL the thread, show your DH and tell him to man the hell up when it comes to B and friends and have your back. If not, DH may have just inadvertently pulled the marriage ending switch. Big hugs x

He uses what should be private information as his social currency.
She can't trust that anything she says in therapy won't be talked about in the friends' group that night. He spreads her trauma far and wide.

They may as well have their counseling at the local pub with everyone free to stick their 2¢ and ignorance in.

She can't trust her husband at all. That's pretty much the end of the relationship.

My marriage would be over if my husband had done this.
You have trusted him with something that is very personal and he has gone round telling others over a number of years.
He doesn’t respect you. As I said before the trust is long gone.

Bingo! I’m so sorry OP. He obviously gets some sort of weird ego boost from all the kudos he gets from being such a stand up guy for you despite all your trauma. I don’t know how you haven’t slapped his face. Sincerely.

Aside, if you’re finding most of the replies helpful, you might want to have this moved or start a new thread on Relationships as it’s a little less frenetic and kinder (less deletions at least!)

He sounds the sort to be on the dark web. Total pervert.

Sorry, but what the hell are these blokes ON? What is it they are needing to discuss in all these meetings and texts?
Your trauma is not and should not be on the table for any of them to discuss.
How fucking DARE they?!

Goodness, I’m so sorry Op - I don’t even know what to say to you. There are no words for how awful your DHs betrayal has been (& B is a misogynistic creep).

Divorce! Seriously get the hell away from him! He has betrayed your trust in the worst possible way. He is not worth it! Life is short and you can find happiness without him.

I would be having a look at your husbands hard drive.

B is a creep that I would never speak to again.
I am not sure I could forgive husband for this. He has betrayed your confidence and created this mess.

I’d bet good money he ticks boxes as a communal narcissist - ‘look at me - I’m soooo supportive of my traumatised wife. I am such a good man. Not like the others’ whilst not actually doing what the OP actually needs - like standing up to those sick men.

Ok maybe you may well be right and I am giving him (DH) the benefit of doubt too much thinking he thought he was telling his ‘friends’.

But I think B is very malevolent.

This isn’t a mistake, once is a mistake, he has told everyone. All his mates, his boss, his mum, and he’s lied to her about it, betrayed her confidence, on something so horrific, and done it is such a way his mates think it’s ok to discuss it with her and talk about it as he did and all the others are supporting him, and the husband wanting to clearly brush it under th4 carpet. It tells you everything about how he’s spoken about this.

all his mates, even his fucking boss. On what planet is that a mistake.

No, no. You're minimising what the husband has been doing. He gets some weird pleasure from telling everyone he knows. This is WEIRD AS FUCK!!!!

The 'friend' is a creep, but he has no real responsibility towards the OP.
Her DH does, and he didn't make one mistake, he made multiple, over a period of years, and is still minimising what he has done. Not only that, but he is now prioritising this creep and his friendship with him, over his wife.

Just chiming in to add to the chorus: WTAF is wrong with your DH? This is NOT OK. And the response of his 'friends' is creepy as fuck. Don't let them invalidate your feelings. YOU are right. They are.. wierd and creepy.

I think the joint counselling would give her the opportunity to really explore the betrayal in a neutral space and where he will also have to face his actions. That could be helpful for co parenting going forward or trying to repair the marriage but he has a lot of work to do and OP may decide his betrayal has just been too great

I’m sorry but your husband is clearly the issue here,

The issues need separating. The DH made a terrible mistake.

B is a monster, behaved utterly sexually abusively to OP, and is now somehow dragging OP back in his orbit. That is what is a mountain sized issue. Don’t let DH’s cras stupidity overshadow that.

Your husband is sick in the head! Please leave him asap!!!!

Please don’t see B. Could you speak to a rape counsellor? I think you need someone you trust but who is knowledgeable to give you an outside perspective.

Would you see B if he’d raped you? Because he sort of did.

What he said about how in University he learned that, after rape, sometimes women enjoy sex more because of control…..
that is rape apologist rubbish. He is either deliberately twisting
facts or misunderstanding them because of his own very sick mind. I would just stay away from the toxic monster.

I don't. I think if the OP wants it then that's up to her. I do agree that whether or not to give the marriage another chance is totally up to her and is not a decision she needs to or should take in haste. My concern is that her husband has lied and lied to her over years and betrayed her to the point where IMO it was abusive. Why would he be able to be honest now? and why would she believe him?

I think joint counselling would be helpful regardless of if the marriage ends or not tbh

Oh god OP I just wanted to post and hopefully validate how you're feeling. Very, very few people know about my rape. I could count them on one hand. One of them is my DH, who hasn't told anyone to my knowledge (I will check this with him later). I want to tell you that I would probably go insane with rage if I were in your situation. The AUDACITY of your husband to share this information so willy-nilly with so many people. It's genuinely made me irate just reading about it. I think I would be shaving-my-head-like-Britney angry about it. I'm incensed on your behalf. However you're feeling please know that you're not alone and your emotions are valid. I wish I could give you a hug IRL as being a race survivor is so awfully isolating. Lots of love and strength to you

Marriage Counselling. You and your DH can talk and talk and talk, but without an experienced third party to listen, to ask relevant questions, to get through the muddle of each others emotions, it's your words and your truth, against your DH and what his understanding of your trauma is. It seems your DH has no real understanding of what has happened here, the betrayal of your trust and what reads as the almost voyeuristic sharing of your assault. Because, yeah, I do think B was getting off on those questions - you in a social setting with your mates - B took the control you had over your evening and questioned you deeply about the most traumatic event of your young life. B appears to have a porn obsession and can get f&cked. There is no justification for what he did.

Mumsnet is always so quick to the LTB/divorce. And I get how others wouldn't be able to forgive this. It's only you, OP, that can make this decision - you have a family, you have a life built together. Personally, I'd do the work with a Counsellor and if DH still doesn't get it, on his knees apologising, I'd be done. Christ on a bike, the agonies of making his mates uncomfortable by HIS oversharing - that needs picking apart. What was that first conversation between "the lads" that your DH felt he needed to share - And to hell with "the lads" meeting up to talk about you and your trauma.