DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I'm lost. I'm so gutted, I can't think straight.
He's very lovely this morning though, coffee in bed blah blah. But I feel numb.

I'm so sorry. He's now manipulating you. Gaslighting you. God what an awful man. He called you "mental"? That would be it for me.

They are all creepy as fuck. some weird boys club with you unknowingly at the centre.

The betrayal from your Dh is huge. Both the sharing of your trauma and how he’s responded since his dickhead friend behaved so awfully.

I’m so sorry op.

Are you still in therapy? If not it may be worth revisiting to process this ‘situation’.
I went back to my EDMR therapist after something related to the original trauma (she does other therapies on top of the EMDR and I felt safe with her). I found it a helpful way to process and to protect myself.

I'm so tired of explaining to these men why all these things are SO wrong and fighting my case. It's exhausting.

Aw poor lamb DH, it must be so confusing for him. Here's a simple check he can do, going forward:

Would he do (whatever words or actions he's contemplating) if you were stood there right infront of him?

✅ Yes: fine, go ahead
❎ No: don't do it

But here's the thing. He doesn't need to check in with himself. He already knows, just as we all already know thanks to that marvellous aspect of our psyche that's running non-stop in order to do this specific job on autopilot for us. It already knows and it informs us without any need to check in: the CONSCIENCE.

You don't need to explain. He knows. Absolutely he knows. He's just denying that he knows. How is it clear that he knows? Because he didn't tell you at the time. So instead you've found out the truly horrific hard way.

Don't run yourself ragged trying to educate anyone who clearly already knows. They're just feigning ignorance. Which is just continuation of deceit. A further deceit.

Flip side: we've all made mistakes. And few put their hands up to that. Most will certainly at some point (even as adults) have hidden behind exactly the same kind of weak denial when we've acted against our conscience. So the key is to take it to the root: What was the core motivation beneath the action?

In your DH's case it seems the motivation wasn't to hurt you but to help you. Clumsy and abhorrently privacy invading and frankly effing idiotic as he has been, his motivation came from a place of good. He's being honest.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, both b and dh being an utter shithead.

as others have said, you are strong and it’s horrific he called you mental, the swinging between “we’re a team” and “you are mental” is really showing his colours and as @SummerPeonies2026 says I would be very dubious as to why he is wanting to paint this picture to so many people.

Just to warn you he has basically painted you as unstable to the very same people, so ensure you are the epitome of cool, calm and collected when you are dealing with any of them moving forward to discredit his narrative. I don’t think I could forgive him for this treacherous betrayal. It’s one thing sharing your personal information without consent (bad enough) but to paint you as unhinged and to call you mental is quite another.

Sadly I think he's shown his true colours here.

How you process that, I'm not sure, but I wish you the very best OP. You've survived far worse than this, and come out the other side. Remember that

Unless you've had episodes of being unwell due to your assault trauma or your eating disorder where he's had rush home at a moment's notice, your DH is talking out of his arse that in workplaces you have to share private details about your spouse with your boss as a "heads up". He's just gossiping.

I've also lived with an eating disorder for decades and if my DH called me mental, I'd show him the door regardless of what's going on with B and the rest of his mates.

So very sorry to read your update. I suspect your husband deep down has resented you not working and had painted himself as a bit of a saviour who might need to leave early to protect the little woman.
Don’t feel that you need to justify anything. His behaviour has been despicable and he knows it.
Keep away from the group. If you know the wives, you could send them a group message briefly stating what’s happened and how traumatised they have made you feel, and warning against B…. But you really don’t need to do anything.
How do you really feel about DH today? Do you still want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If you do…then you need some hard talking, and he does need to agree to couples counselling. But if you don’t, then you need to tell him frankly that the marriage is over. I would also try and speak to a women’s aid group if possible.
Finally, keep this thread. It documents very clearly what happened and it may be useful to refer to in the future.

And….. please know you are not alone. We’ve all got your back and are here to listen and support you. Feel free to off load whenever you need to. Sending you a massive virtual hug xx

Let’s hope he’s lashing out because he knows he has really really screwed up and feels ashamed. Alternatively he is a massive shit /communal narcissist as PPs have suggested.

You’ve had so much to deal with, you must be so strong and resilient to keep going

I feel very sad to read your update, DAVRO technique to leave you feeling confused and unsure.

You are not ‘mental’
You have recovered from such an ordeal and an eating disorder
You have raised two children

You do not need to prove your capacity to him, but the back lash you are experiencing now, and his refusal to leave and offer you space is really serious.

I would encourage you to get some support in real life op. You have so much to process, to consider and this should not be rushed.

I can’t think why your dh hasn’t profusely apologised, given you some reassurance and decided to give his friends a wide berth. His refusal to join you for counselling shows he is making this your problem. I am sorry it has come to this. He needs to stay with his mother for a few days, whilst you think about how to best proceed. I would probably call my MIL in your position and my own family. Sending you hugs op.

OP I haven’t got time to write much but this is a big shock. Don’t take it lightly. It’s a betrayal of trust that will rock you. You are strong. You have been through and survived so much already.

The most important thing right now is to look after your physical body so your brain and body can start to process and heal. Talk to your most trusted person. Use all of the skills you have learned during your recovery to take care of your emotional and psychological wellbeing. You will be very skilled at this by now so draw on that.

Look after yourself. We are here. Shoulder to shoulder. We are your secret army of supporters.

I put a few AIBU on here and it has helped me to come out of what I now see was an abusive marriage. It’s quite a shock when you get the feedback that not only are you not BU, but what the other person is doing is worse than just unreasonable. It takes time to get your head around it.

Take your time and be kind to yourself.

Sending you love and strength.

OP, I think you are an absolutely incredible woman. I case you read this, 2 things: 1) echo what others have said about in person support and taking your time with any decisions etc - follow your own path 2) in case your husband makes you feel that your limited experience of paid work means his boss needs to know about the trauma perpetuatated on you in case he needs to get off worl early- the boss ABSOLUTELY would not need to know. Your husband could have very easily left it at 'chronic pain' or somesuch.

I think your husband told so many people as he gets a kind of "sympathy by association" type of thing. He tells someone, they say oh how awful etc and he gets some kind of validation. It's also maybe his "get out of jail free" card. His boss is getting on to him for his work for example so he tells his boss saying he's dealing with other things etc.

If he has any friends who you're close with or your MIL if you're close I'd ask them under what circumstances he told them. Was he struggling with emotions and told them or did he tell them out of the blue?

I’ve had a group of friends and when 2 fell out yes it was awkward
I’m not 100% sure the discussion is actually about op or what happened to her
more about the friends who aren’t involved deal with the outfall when 2 of the group want nothing to do with each other
they haven’t fallen out with anyone and won’t want to get involved but also don’t want to be sat in silence when op and the other guy are at the same night out
so looking for a way forward wether it’s alternative weeks or one of them leaves the group

I'm sorry, men are pathetic. I'm so sorry for the pain you have suffered.

Please don't ever apologise for not coming back to the thread. There will always be support here if you need it. You are very strong.

@Anon8761 I didn't want to read and run. I just wanted say I'm sorry! What an awful shock, realising your DH isn't the man you thought. I applaud you for seeking therapy to help you and I hope you find peace again.

OP, this is about what you feel, he does not get to have an opinion anymore, he has given up that right. Ask him to leave to give you time to think, if he refuses it shows he thinks he has done no wrong. TBH he doesn't see any wrong in telling the world, can you accept him doing that ? Just take time.

That’s not great advice. If he owns the house too she can’t legally lock him out. A non molestation order is unlikely too. Sadly, for psychological harm, the legal threshold is very very high.

I share your anger on her behalf but she shouldn’t take those steps.

because the "protector" thing is all a big fat lie.....maybe it always was.....

B is undoubtedly awful and your husband had betrayed your confidence completely.

Just as a side note. I manage a team of people and some of my team have confided some immensely private things about themselves and their partners and children because I guess it does help the employer/employee relationship if they need time off at short notice or shift changes etc. Once you know roughly what someone is dealing with at home, they don’t keep having to repeat or discuss it.

Im not saying that your husband was right to share this info at all. In fact he has almost definitely over shared to his boss but there may have been an element of truth to what he said there if (and only if) you have required him to have emergency leave or significant flexibility due to your struggles.

I think it’s disgusting that your husband continues to make excuses and lashes out at you because he has been caught doing something hurtful. To call you crazy is really low. I can’t see why he would refuse couples therapy… if that’s the only
way to rebuild trust he should be leaping at the chance.

It seems he’s happy to act your protector and then turn around and swipe at you himself.

Hi OP. I’m not sure why you felt he should be looking out for you that night, but he was 100% out of order for asking intrusive questions and making you feel so uncomfortable.
And it shouldn’t have come up in conversation with your husband and his mates either.

Do you have someone in real life that you can talk you, friends/family/support services?
🌺

You've 27 pages of people to call on if needed.
All in your own time if at all 💐

OP I am so sorry for the situation you are in but...well.....now you know. I mean what he has said and done is straight out of the Gaslighter's Playbook. I agree about asking this to be moved, not because its no longer an aibu but because you will get better support and advice elsewhere on Mumsnet.