DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I hope your DH now realises that he should not have told them. He's used your trauma as a 'reason' why they shouldn't make poor taste comments, as if there had to be a justification that was serious enough, rather than just requiring them to behave like decent human beings in your home. Which any parter deserves, not just one who has had something very horrible happen to them!
No, they don't get to discuss his behaviour to you behind your back if you don't want that to happen.

What's B going to say? He didn't mean it "like that"? You've taken it the wrong way?
Seriously, is there any explanation that would be acceptable?

But if you're not a witness, they get to persuade /peer pressure your husband into giving him another chance, quite likely without even fully acknowledging how bad it was.

Yes, they'll feel uncomfortable if you are there. Good, they should!

I would not go to the meeting, there is no apology that will make what he did right.

His 'friend' is a pervert and a nasty piece of work. There is no salvaging that friendship.

His other friends are also arseholes for even thinking that it should be salvaged because 'it will make life difficult with their meet ups'.

Your DH is being unreasonable to even discuss this with them/B.

I wouldn't go to the meeting, but if DH attends and doesn't tell them where to go/is swayed in any way to salvage the friendship then you need to consider whether he should be your DH.

The issue here is that your DH betrayed your confidence and trust.

If it were me I would never be able to trust him again if he chooses to put his need to maintain a friendship with the group and make it easier for them over his relationship with you.

I would feel murderous. B is such an asshole but why the hell did your husband share your secrets with these pigs, all of them, any of them?? They are all dreadful.

I'm sorry this happened to you and that you're having to deal with men raking it up after all these years, especially a pervert such as B. Personally, I think your DH was wrong to tell them. He could have just asked them to stop making jokes in bad taste.

I also think your DH is wrong to meet his friends to discuss it, especially B. The only appropriate course of action for your DH is to cut B off for good and tell the others that it's not up for discussion. And it's your choice whether to have these men in your house, but personally, I wouldn't want any of them there.

I'm sorry op. I'm not sure how to rebuild trust with your husband. What else has he told them.

There's so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Your husband doesnt have your back on anything at all; I can't believe either of you are seriously considering going along with the "discussion". H needs to ditch the entire group and beg your forgiveness, how dare he disclose that you were raped to a bunch of drinking pals. I couldn't get past this.

Your husband needs to keep better company. Warning his friends not to make rapey
jokes in earshot of his once-raped wife? They’re fucking disgusting. So sorry op.

It's simple...these men are rallying to protect a sexual pervert, a pathetic voyeur of someone's trauma...they are identifying with him. They are saying he is one of them

I have serious concerns about B. Did he seem to be enjoying the conversation or at least enjoying making you feel uncomfortable?

@Anon8761, I’m so sorry this all happened to you. B needs to be ousted by the whole group for his behaviour. Your husband needs to distance himself from the group because clearly they’re minimisers and enablers. To be honest, whilst he seems angry on your behalf, your husband doesn’t want to ditch the friends that were making inappropriate jokes?! The ones who want to keep B as a friend?

Not all men but always a man!

This is absolutely disgusting. I’m so sorry, @Anon8761 and angry on your behalf.

No, this man does not get to do what he did to you and get away with it.

No, they don’t get to have their meet up and discuss this situation.

No, you must not be made to feel like you should be there because it’s the only option slightly less appalling to you than not being there.

There is so much wrong with this situation that I hardly know where to start but your husband needs to continue down the path of absolutely shutting this down and not agreeing to engage with the ‘friend’. His behaviour has been absolutely appalling.

If anyone asks your husband why he won’t attend the meet-up or discuss it further, he can use these three simple words:

It isn’t appropriate.

I wouldn’t have B under my roof. I wouldn’t have his defenders there either. And I’d be making it extremely clear that DH has an awful lot of making up to do before you’ll even consider forgiving him for his betrayal and he can start by never seeing B again and telling the others they can fuck off trying to “fix” anything. Who the fuck do they think they are? Who do their wives think they are? There are so very many revolting shameful men in this sorry story, it’s appalling. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through 💐

B is a potential rapist that's why he was so interested. He was thrilled by the details. Have nothing whatsoever to do with him.

His questioning was also abusive. No man can sit there in public asking a woman who is his friend’s wife it only about her past trauma but also her private sex life now with her husband. He did it as a form of doing whatever he wanted with you ( with words) and showing you no respect.

Do not accept any apology. There is no way back for him. He is disgusting.

Thus is not just ‘immaturity’. He is no good.

Yes, it’s very clear that the horrific crime perpetrated on the OP is only (1) something to perve over and (2) a minor inconvenience to their future meetings.

This is one of the worse things I’ve seen on here , I’m so sorry you have experienced any of this , your DH friend sounds vile .. hold your boundaries OP . And I’m sending you a hug 🤗 because I think you deserve one x

B is slimy and voyeuristic. He was WAY out of line. DH told them initially to protect you so they wouldn’t make inappropriate jokes. They don’t need to be having a discussion about you. Any discussion should be about them. DH should talk to his friends about B’s unacceptable behaviour. And that it was beyond disrespectful and will not be tolerated. B must sincerely apologize. No excuses. If B doesn’t understand what he did wrong and why, he is NOT a friend. Same for the others if they thought that was okay. Advocate for yourself. God bless.

To be honest I'd chuck your DH out. He doesn't have your back.
Don't have his friends in your home.

I think your husband needs new friends.
He told them (and I'd be visiting that again) because they were making poor taste jokes. Which I'm going to take a wild guess weren't amusing at all and probably downright sleazy. And now one of them has been incredibly inappropriate with you. Now they want to discuss it!! FFS.

I'm so sorry, it's shocking. I'm absolutely aghast that all these men have behaved so insensitivity.

Of course they shouldn't have their little meeting to discuss you. How dare they. I wouldn't normally advocate for someone to forbid a partner to do something but I would in this case. I would forbid my partner to attend a meeting to discuss my private business or I would leave. It's a line that I wouldn't accept. I'm so angry for you.

Ask the other wives how they feel about their husbands having a sit down to discuss the rape of one of their friends wives. Absolutely vile on every part but yours how the fuck do grown men think this is acceptable? B needs cutting off and if their friendship group suffers so be it, not your problem. Sorry this is happening to you this full thing sounds awful!

Agree with the others that this man sounds like a pervert getting off on your abuse.

Please do not go to a meeting with your 'D'H and these awful friends. It's not going to do you any good at all

Also tell your husband how wrong he was for sharing this in the first place and how wrong he is in going to the meeting and that you don't consent to your personal information being discussed. If he chooses to go your problem is with him. I wouldn't want to see any of his awful friends again.

It's depressing that when his friends were making awful comments your husband couldn't just say don't do that I don't like that but brought your personal information into it. This sounds like something to work through in therapy

Perhaps the friends should all bring their partners so they can be questioned about their history of sexual trauma as well? And if the friends aren’t up for that maybe they should be thinking twice about talking about you, ever again.

Ugh, B is absolutely disgusting. Your DH has your back, clearly. But also understandably doesn't want to lose his whole friendship group. In the context of why he told them, I think that's forgiveable personally. It doesn't sound like he went into detail, just that you were assaulted. I doubt it ever crossed your DH's mind that it would be weaponised in such an ugly way by someone he had known for 30 years.

Playing devil's advocate I don't think they are planning on meeting to discuss you or your trauma, but to discuss if they can salvage their relationship (or not) and if DH will presumably accept B's apology and how the group will move forward with whatever the new dynamic ends up being. Your trauma or what happened to you and how you've dealt with it since doesn't need to be part of the conversation. It may be that DH wants to hold the meeting so they stop bleating on about it and accept he won't be friends with B.

He does. No one involved in this horror show comes off well. The OP”s rape is not her DH’s information to share, certainly not as some kind of rationale to stop his misogynist friends making ‘poor taste jokes’. And as it happens one of the people he told turns out to be a pervert who gets off on imagining the rape, and the rest of this sorry gang think it’s fine to hold some kind of all-male summit about a crime the OP was a victim of, purely to ensure their ghastly get togethers aren’t disrupted by anything as pesky and trivial as rape.

I’m sorry this happened, OP. It’s a club with far too many of us as members. This isn’t something I could get past. My marriage to someone with such poor judgement and misogynistic friends would be over.

Your DH had no right to disclose that to friends. I would be furious with him OP.

They want to stage a f**king intervention to encourage your DH to restore his relationship with B because it’s convenient to them!. Seriously, WTF.
Your DH has made a decision to support you, (after the fall out from his poor decision to overshare your personal business) and they simply want to arrange their boys nights out without any awkwardness.
Your DH is a grown man and as such can befriend whoever he wants however others may feel about it.
I’m sorry OP.
B is a creepy pervert. No amount of men sittings round discussing it is going to make it ok. They don’t get to decide how you should feel.