DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

As a survivor of rape, there is a certain look that comes into people's faces when you disclose your experience to them. OP is absolutely within her rights to choose who she does and does not want to disclose this information to. I know from experience that it changes how people see you - whether they mean to or not. Its just a fact.

Sure, but ultimately the issue is her DP has zero respect for OP's privacy and trauma

It is all very well saying OP has nothing to. E ashamed of - that's true - but even knowing this event is being discussed by her husband's friends would bring it back to life and re-traumatise many people.

Not being ashamed doesn't make the terrible violation of the experience go away

I do get that, I just think, after all the work the Op has done, it’s important to remember that she has no reason to feel ashamed. That, even though you might not want people to know (which is fair enough) she doesn’t need to feel embarrassed or humiliated. She has done nothing wrong.

I do get that, I just think, after all the work the Op has done, it’s important to remember that she has no reason to feel ashamed. That, even though you might not want people to know (which is fair enough) she doesn’t need to feel embarrassed or humiliated. She has done nothing wrong.

Sorry, what reason do you think that this guy was asking her these questions? You think a man asks a woman in depth questions about her rape in public because of morbid curiosity? He was traumatising her. Its nothing to do with shame

I hope your DH now realises that he should not have told them. He's used your trauma as a 'reason' why they shouldn't make poor taste comments, as if there had to be a justification that was serious enough, rather than just requiring them to behave like decent human beings in your home. Which any parter deserves, not just one who has had something very horrible happen to them!
No, they don't get to discuss his behaviour to you behind your back if you don't want that to happen.

What's B going to say? He didn't mean it "like that"? You've taken it the wrong way?
Seriously, is there any explanation that would be acceptable?

But if you're not a witness, they get to persuade /peer pressure your husband into giving him another chance, quite likely without even fully acknowledging how bad it was.

Yes, they'll feel uncomfortable if you are there. Good, they should!

This is a horrible post. Where did the OP say she felt ashamed?

I do get that, I just think, after all the work the Op has done, it’s important to remember that she has no reason to feel ashamed. That, even though you might not want people to know (which is fair enough) she doesn’t need to feel embarrassed or humiliated. She has done nothing wrong.

I’m maybe going to go a bit against the grain here, and say that, while I appreciate that what happened was traumatic and awful, maybe you don’t have to see it as such a humiliating private thing to discuss.

Now, I’m not saying that what B did at the bar was ok, AT ALL. But, going forward with the other friends - you have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened is not a reflection on you and it does not define you.

Choosing to talk about one’s grief is personal (if say, you were bereaved) you wouldn’t necessarily want to talk about all the details and you shouldn’t feel pressured into a conversation you don’t want to have by someone who’s overly interested in the morbid details. But that doesn’t mean you have any reason to feel personally ashamed of the pain or the experience.

I don’t know if your DH was young when he told them, of you’ve been together 9 years it’s possible he told them early on and didn’t really know how to make them understand how serious he was that he didn’t want them making certain jokes. So I’d forgive him.

I don’t get why your DH’s friends can’t accept that he doesn’t want to be friends with B or why they need to discuss anything. But if you want to be part of that conversation and you want an apology fair enough. 💐

It's not about being ashamed, it's about being violated. Trust and privacy.

I’m maybe going to go a bit against the grain here, and say that, while I appreciate that what happened was traumatic and awful, maybe you don’t have to see it as such a humiliating private thing to discuss.

Now, I’m not saying that what B did at the bar was ok, AT ALL. But, going forward with the other friends - you have nothing to be ashamed of. What happened is not a reflection on you and it does not define you.

Choosing to talk about one’s grief is personal (if say, you were bereaved) you wouldn’t necessarily want to talk about all the details and you shouldn’t feel pressured into a conversation you don’t want to have by someone who’s overly interested in the morbid details. But that doesn’t mean you have any reason to feel personally ashamed of the pain or the experience.

I don’t know if your DH was young when he told them, of you’ve been together 9 years it’s possible he told them early on and didn’t really know how to make them understand how serious he was that he didn’t want them making certain jokes. So I’d forgive him.

I don’t get why your DH’s friends can’t accept that he doesn’t want to be friends with B or why they need to discuss anything. But if you want to be part of that conversation and you want an apology fair enough. 💐

NC.

This may be outting but I don't really care at this stage. It's also late so forgive any typos and I'm sorry if I forget anything and end up drip feeding.

TW: Mentions past sexual assault.

Me and DH married 5 years together 9.
DH has a friend group who meet weekly for food or a particular hobby they all enjoy. DH met most of these friends in school, they've been friends 30 years.

I was out one evening at a social event. I saw one of these friends sat on his own. We were at a bar type place. I text DH and asked if I should invite him to join me and friends. DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!' mentality.

I have PTSD. I was spiked and raped at 17 by 2 men. So social situations in bars can be difficult at times.
I'm 33 now, but still struggle quite a bit with flashbacks and things. I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

I invited B over and almost immediately he said he was surprised to see me there 'because of what happened to me (the rapes)'
I was shocked. I didn't even know he knew.

He then proceeded to tell me the whole 'inner circle knew'. That DH had told them all.
Worse still, he carried on discussing my trauma at the table, at the bar, he wouldn't stop digging.

He even asked if DH satisfied me in bed.
He asked if I enjoyed sex more before my trauma or after. (He was unaware the age I was raped. But regardless. It made me VERY uncomfortable).

The list goes on... And on..
He said 'sorry if this is making you uncomfortable' mid way through but then continued?? So I don't think he was actually sorry.

This was ALL within ear shot of my friends, whom don't know my trauma, because it's private. Ultimately he made my whole evening about the worst time of my life, ever. He made me feel it defined me again, when I've worked tirelessly.. to be me and recover.

I end up leaving the social. A few friends text me to see if I am ok after as said I looked uncomfortable.
I told DH.

DH was angry. Has told his other friends. DH wants to never see B again.
However, other friends in this stupid inner circle now want some sort of meeting with them and DH and B.
To discuss this.. issue. To 'work through it' because it will make life difficult with their meet ups.

DH said to one friend, 'but what if it was your wife? And I'd said this, you wouldn't want a discussion would you?' And he agreed but still is pushing this, 'discussion' 'incase the friendship is salvageable'.

DH still wants to cut B off, but is willing to discuss because his friends keep asking him to.
But I'm so hurt, B attended our wedding etc.. he was supposed to look out for me that night, but instead made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

And quite frankly, why are these men planning on sitting around to discuss this? I feel vulnerable enough now. I feel upset enough.

So, I said to DH, if they plan on discussing this, I want to be there. DH said 'but I do have your back on this.' but I've asked DH to instead invite them to our house and I will send DC to my mums, because.. I don't know, I want minimum an apology before I ask B to leave.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

Sorry I'm a bit heartbroken.
Thanks.