DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I'm so sorry OP. That was horrible and B is horrible. Actually I think he is a weirdo and if I were the wife of one of the other friends and I knew this about him I would not be comfortable being in his company ever again.

I absolutely get that. I was trying to say that she doesn’t need to feel humiliated. As it seemed from her post that she was (although it has been pointed out that she hadn’t used that word). And I was saying that because it’s already happened, and she can’t go back and change it. B is the one who should be ashamed of himself. He is a POS. But she has done so much work, and it doesn’t define her, and I was hoping to help her feel less like a victim again.

eta I also feel like if we could have less shame about it, we could change the way people look at us when they hear about it. Because so many women have experienced it, and it might take the power out of it to be more open and less like its
a dirty secret.

No, it probably wasn't malicious. It was thoughtless, I'll judged and betrayed the Op's confidence.

I'm afraid it was just another example of how most men just don't get it. They don't, and can't understand how it feels to be raped, and what it does to you afterwards. And this lot need to be told firmly and unequivocally that it's not their place to discuss it.

Most close friends of mine have shared something about their partners because it has impacted them too. There is a big difference between sharing something in confidence in a respectful way and chatting openly about it or making light of it. On this basis I don't think DH was necessarily wrong to share with his friends. However it seems he certainly made a big mistake with B. It's unbelievably insensitive of him, I actually can't believe anyone would be so thick. Your dh is right to cut him out. If the other friends want to get involved in fixing their friend group then it's up to them, I don't think its anything you should be involved with. That particular discussion is about a massive breach of trust between two friends and how the friends are going to manage. Personally I think you being there will only make it about your history and will ultimately upset you more, and that's the last thing you need now.

This, 100%. He hasn't had your back. He can change that by cutting off B, refusing any ridiculous meeting, and making the topic of your trauma off-limits for any mention or discussion, as there's zero need for any of them to talk about it.

As someone who has suffered CSA and later rapes as a teenager, I consider what happened to me to be a deeply private thing. I don't want people looking at me differently, wondering what happened, and imagining narratives, changing their perception of me.

The vulnerability of people knowing is excruciating, and yes – it is humiliating. Very few people want their private, deep pain to be displayed and dissected, especially when it's such a private, 'intimate' (as in, it involves – unwanted – sexual activity) pain.

Part of the humiliation would also be that B took away her choice to share the information or not, and forced the disclosure on her, before asking her prying, inappropriately sexual questions, enjoying her trauma.

Bad analogy, but a woman with incontinence from birth trauma hasn't done anything wrong...but it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to feel humiliated if someone started randomly asking her prying questions about wetting herself, and whether her pelvic floor issues had affected sex, in a bar, in front of friends who didn't know about it.

This is completely bizarre.
Yoir DH shouldn’t have told any of them. That’s the first thing surely!! I’d be furious about that.
secobdly DH would be binning off B and everyone would have to just get on with their lives. No meeting (weirdos!!!) and no discussion is required.
end of.

im so angry on your behalf!!!!

I do not believe for one moment that your husband telling them was malicious.
Women often confide very personal things about their husbands with each other. I am not condoning what your husband did, but I don’t think he meant you any harm. I think he thought he was doing the right thing. If there is going to be some sort of meeting and I say if, then you should be there because I could imagine that B could potentially downplay what he said and put a much nicer spin on it.
If you were there you’d be able to put him right.
Be very proud of yourself that you have overcome to a large extent such an awful awful trauma and have been able Your life and have a successful marriage.

Your husband does have your back and you are a team so work through this together and hold your head up very very high

I would insist they come to your house. Then I would stand in front of them and tell the whole lot of them they make you feel like shit. That the whole trauma has been brought to the forefront again because of one man B (although your husband has a lot to answer for) and his totally inappropriate questions. That it is horrific that instead of standing by your husbands wish to have nothing to do with B they want to try and rescue a friendship. I would finish with you all need to go home and think long and hard about how you would feel if your wife/girlfriend/mother/sister or whoever went through what you did and then had to put up with a B speaking to you in the way B did upsetting them as you are upset causing PTSD. Would you really still want to be friends with someone who out someone you lived through that? If so shame on you

then ask them all to leave.

I would expect your my husband to stop being friends with B

I'm so sorry this happened; it's completely wrong. What you disclose about being raped and/or sexually assaulted and to whom and when should be completely up to you, no one else.

Your DH should not have told his friends without your consent. B should not have mentioned the situation to you in public; even if he believed that you knew that he knew, he should have assumed that the other people you were with did not know and you did not want them to know. Of course, the specific things he actually said to you were unacceptable.

Your husband should cut B off, no discussion, no appeals - the rest of his friends can follow suit or not. If your husband wants to persuade his other friends to ditch B then he can try to explain to them what happened, but it would be much more effective for you to do it if you're willing (don't feel obligated to do it - it can be re-traumatising) AND B should not be there.

I'd be very upset that my husband shared this information in the first place, and that he's considering anything BUT cutting contact with B. If you are still in therapy, this would probably be a good thing to discuss as the whole situation may have stirred up disturbing memories and feelings.

This is horrendous and I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. Like PPs I am also horrified at your husband's behaviour.

I was raped, a long time ago, and I do actually speak about it quite openly now but it took me a long time to get there. If anyone else who knows talked about it as openly as I do, I'd hit the roof. And that's not about shame, it's just about ownership. It's mine to tell, not anyone else's.

I would not be allowing some kind of dickhead summit in my home. I'd be telling my husband that I was appalled at him and if we had even the slightest chance of getting past this he better do as I'm asking, which would be that B never darkens our door again and anyone who supports him can follow him out. All that can be conveyed via text message. No meeting needed, thanks.

Again I am so sorry.

I am not going to discuss why you’re so completely far off the mark. I believed I read humiliation and shame in the words by the Op and maybe that says more about my own feelings about my own trauma and I have already admitted I might be wrong that the Op feels the same. I was trying to help. I’ll stop cluttering up the thread as requested.

You don't understand the nature of trauma. I am sure you meant well, but it was a daft thing to say.

Now you are replying to multiple people and cluttering up the thread with your lack of understanding.

Please be thoughtful to the OP and leave it be now.

OP, your DH has MASSIVELY overstepped boundaries here and now - despite what he says - he doesn’t have your back. I’m so sorry. If you don’t feel strong enough to tackle him yourself could you show him this thread? He needs to tell his “friends” with absolutely zero uncertainty there will be no meeting, with or without you. B is closed. Friendship ends. If any of the others would like to join B they are welcome to do so. End of story.

DH needs to tell them that there will be no meeting/intervention, and that he no longer wants to be in the same room as B. If it inconveniences them, they have a clear choice. B or him.

I'm very private and would normally hit the roof about him sharing in the first place. But I do just about get why he did. You're clearly very vulnerable still and he seems to have wanted to ensure that they knew that he meant it when he said no more sleazy jokes.
There are no excuses for B though, who is a full on creep.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. That is an unbelievable thing to propose, tell your husband and his creepy friends to fuck off. And B is beyond the pale, he definitely enjoyed interrogating you. I’d never want to clap eyes on any of them again.

No fuck them. @Anon8761 sorry op but fuck them all.

Ok I apologise. She said she felt exposed and used a lot of language that I felt
expressed shame about people knowing what had happened. Maybe I read too much between the lines and I am wrong.

So his group of friends when they get together are in the habit of making jokes in poor taste?
Are these jokes about women being raped, or similar?

And these are the type of men that he counts as his friends and who he chose to share your very private and personal past with? I would assume that friend B is not the only pervert amongst them if this is the level of their conversation.

Your H has behaved appallingly.

If you can forgive him for his betrayal of you then he should be cutting himself off completely from this bunch of unsavoury guys. Why on earth would he even consider going and discussing his wife with a bunch of men in this way?

You have been treated disgracefully, not least by your own H. I'm so sorry OP.

How fucking dare they?! I am livid on your behalf, being discussed by these men as if you're a problem to their friendship. Your DH has to back you and if you want to be there you should be. It's outrageous for them to act in this way. Husband should pick his side and stick to it

What a dick your husband is- this is his mess- wtf did he need to make this all about him by sharing YOUR trauma with THEM?! In good ol’ MN terms, you have a husband problem.

You are the only person who mentioning it being humiliating or shameful

I mean, good grief, it's inhumane. I'm so cross I can't sleep.

If the Op chooses to discuss her trauma then she chooses who to discuss it with. Her therapist, her friends, her 'dear' husband.

Not a group of her husband's friends.

So they are meeting to minimize her trauma and minimize what B did so they can all go back to being jolly boys again.

You do know this is all on your husband? Irrespective of all else he was the one that betrayed your trust- don’t forget that….