DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

@Anon8761

I''m so sorry about the initial incident in your life and so sorry it's been 'dragged up' in this manner.

DH said his friends are likely worried I will make them uncomfortable. But AIBU? I don't like the idea of them sitting and discussing it, especially B.

They should be made fucking uncomfortable!! How dare they want to 'discuss' a victim of sexual violence as if they were talking about some minor social 'faux pas' committed by B. What B did is unforgivable and if they can't see that, then they're fucking pigs. The only 'discussion' should be all of them raking B over the coals for his disgusting behaviour and demanding his abject apologies to you for subjecting you to it and to your DH for using information (wrongly) given by him to make you uncomfortable and distressed.

If they aren't mature enough to discuss this with you there, then they shouldn't discuss it at all.

How you decide to deal with your DH is up to you. I don't think it's LTB territory but each of us have to decide that for ourselves. To me it's more that he did a really, really stupid thing thinking he was doing a good thing by 'educating' his friends on sexual assault.

As pp said, your H needs to unequivocally say that he won’t be discussing it further with them@Anon8761- if he insists on going on with this meeting, he’s not on your side.

Absolutely agree.

Your husband does not have your back.

Who else will he tell if it benefits him in some way? Your deeply personal experience has become a prop for him to pull out whenever he needs.

He did it again on the phone. Instead of saying 'The things B discusses are incredibly inappropriate and I won't be around him anymore' he instead said 'Guess what B chose to talk about' thus bringing it up again.

IMO, I'd bet they've talked about it more than once for it to be so fresh in everyone's minds and the first thing that occurs to them.

Your husband is just trying to dig himself out of a hole by now being the Good Guy when he caused all the trouble to begin with.

God, some men suck.

It just seems to me that your husband could’ve chosen MANY MANY MANY DIFFERENT WORDS to say to his pals in your defense instead of a play-by-play of your sexual assault.

I was a r*pe victim at 16 so I absolutely know the 1000 stone bag of trauma you carry with you - no matter how far you get away from the “incident.”

I’d be in a RAGE if my husband told his friends such an incredibly private matter that WAS NOT his business to tell.

THIS IS !!ALL!! ON YOUR HUSBAND.
HAD HE NOT GABBED, THIS INCIDENT WITH THIS DUDE AT THE BAR WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED.

That’s the first thing I’d bring up at this stupid little get together to discuss you and YOUR TRAUMA.
Christ almighty they sound like they’re either little old ladies or middle school girls.

I’m sending love to you, @Anon8761 ❤️

This is beyond awful, OP. Your DH should never have shared any of that in the first place. Then B's behaviour is absolutely abhorrent. You're not a curiosity or specimen to be questioned! As for 'discussing' the aftermath of this, I don't think you should be meeting them and certainly not in your house. I think it will only further upset you, to put it mildly, and you will then have to deal with working through that experience. Never let B darken your doorstep again, either. I would hope your DH has the fortitude to dump him, 'meeting' or no. It says volumes about his 'friends' that they don't want to do that!

what your dh has done even though in a way he was trying to do the right thing

I know what you mean. But the right thing is "Stop this now! Rape jokes aren't funny." What he did was to condone rape jokes, except when a rape survivor is within earshot and the survivor is someone he cares about. And that led to him feeling he had to excuse himself by revealing his wife's personal history.

He was so scared of censoring his mates' rape chat, he chose to betray his wife's confidence rather than tell them off for being cunts.

It's a very long way from good enough. The current development only compounds the offence.

This.

I’m so sorry for what you have been through. None of them (including your DH) have the right to do this. I’m am so shocked.

What happens now should be completely your decision OP. Do you actually want this meeting to go ahead? If you don't think tell DH that.

If this damages his friendships then so be it. He was an idiot for sharing that information without your knowledge or consent in the first place and he can live with the consequences of that. Right now he should be completely focused on you and the damage he has dome to his relationship with you. Everything else can wait. And his friends need to accept that.

Also fuck them all for not seeing B as the creepy rapist pervert that he is and not all immediately dumping him. They are all arseholes.

B is a predator who undoubtedly would’ve assaulted you had your friends not been there. There’s no way I’d have him in my house ever again - DH either tbh.

I’m so sorry OP, you must be reeling over this

@Anon8761, get your husband to watch this. Several times.

Are there signs B is a rapist, or will rape somebody one day? Yes.
Did B 'psychologically rape' you? Yes. And he did it deliberately.
Should DH make excuses for such a man, because he's a friend? No.
Should the friends group debate the matter? No, they should immediately recognise that B's a dangerously unpleasant man.

Playing devil's advocate I don't think they are planning on meeting to discuss you or your trauma, but to discuss if they can salvage their relationship (or not) and if DH will presumably accept B's apology and how the group will move forward with whatever the new dynamic ends up being.

It is not enough for the husband to accept B's apology. What would B be apologising for? If it's to the husband it can only be for blabbing about it and landing the DH in it. IF (big if) he were to apologise for his behaviour that night and for the things he said, that's meaningless apologising to the husband. He can only make that apology to the OP which (a) I don't think he would and (b) I doubt - and hope - that the OP wouldn't accept it.

I'm sorry OP but I don't think DH does have your back. Or at least, he only has his version of having your back. He should have told them where to go when they suggested a meeting, not agreed to go, and then cut off the lot of them if they feel preserving the friendship group is more important than any unpleasantness around B being a disgusting perv. It shows their group mentality. And then DH has a lot to do to regain OP's faith. Unfortunately there is no way to rewrite history. Those apes will now always know that OP was raped. But DH should never have anything to do with them ever again. His wife's feelings should come way ahead of those of his 'friends' and if he doesn't make it so I'd be questioning staying in the relationship.

What on earth is wrong with your husband? Why would he do that?

I’m sorry all of this happened and I don’t even know what to say. Can you get away from them all for a while and stay somewhere else?

B is a disgusting pervert who was getting off on details of your rape, the other friends see nothing wrong in what B did, it’s all just lad talk right? They are disgusting as well.
As for your DH he’s the worst of them all, couldn’t find the words to tell them how misogynistic their conversation was? Had to betray your trust in the worst possible way by making your rape a topic for general chit chat. He’s happy to discard B as a friend cause B has dropped your DH in trouble with you, but he wants to keep his other equally disgusting friends.
This is all down to your DH he has let you down in the worst possible way I wouldn’t be able to look at him in the face without remembering what he has done. There would be no way back for me if I were in your position.

I'm a rape survivor, I refuse to say victim. The only people who know what I went through are my parents, my late dp, one female friend & one trusted male friend who helped me through the loss of late dp. If my partner had done what your dh has done even though in a way he was trying to do the right thing & then one of his friends had done what I can only describe as a verbal sexual assault it would take me a very long time to try & trust him again if ever. If I found he was still friends with the perpetrator group meeting or not it would be a deal breaker & I would definitely be wanting nothing to do with them ever again.

I don’t think my comments to the OP are scolding? I said was B did was not ok AT ALL and that if she wants to be part of the conversation I think that’s fair enough

I won’t be responding to future posts now.

Well the OP said she had done work to make sure it didn’t define her so that’s who I was talking to.

Personally, I wouldn’t appreciate pages and pages of people saying “how awful” “you poor thing” “you must be devastated”, and I attempted to provide support that I hoped the Op would find value in.

yes. it is.
B's behaviour was abuse. For his own sexual gratification.
He's a disgusting pig and any apology he gives would be completely insincere and more to placate his friends. I'd refuse any apology. the only way he could apologise is by effing off and never coming near you again.

I think I'd be outing B big time and messaging the Friends' wives /gfs to warn them what a filthy horrible pervert he is. You wouldn't have to say the whole thing, but just that he came up to you in the pub and questioned you about an attack you experienced when you were a teenager, and that his questions were intrusive, shocking and upsetting and that you do not want to be in his company again. Oh.. and if that upsets the male bonding society.. too bad.

I also agree with @PopcornKitten
"They want to stage a f**king intervention to encourage your DH to restore his relationship with B because it’s convenient to them!. Seriously, WTF.
Your DH has made a decision to support you, (after the fall out from his poor decision to overshare your personal business) and they simply want to arrange their boys nights out without any awkwardness."

I wouldn't go to their stupid meeting. You'd have to recount to a group on unsympathetic men the whole story.. when all they care about is saving their friendship group. You don't need to justify yourself to these jokers or even have them in the house.
So sorry that this has happened to you OP.

It seems unlikely that B's behavior came out of 'no where'. It's how he is. A group of men who include him as a friend is not safe or respectful of women.

The rest of them may be exactly the same as B. It certainly sounds like a dodgy group. So many red flags.

I would be asking my DH why he would be want to be part of this group. We can outgrow friendship groups and find new ones.

Feeling exposed or humiliated is entirely normal if someone reveals something private and painful about your past that you didn't want shared, though. It doesn't have any bearing on how she feels about the original trauma – it's still humiliating and exposing.

Additionally, a man (B) essentially retraumatised her by forcing her into discussion about her trauma against her will – non-consensually – disclosing her trauma to a number of her friends who had no clue. He literally did victimise her, to a minor degree. This was only possible because another man (her DH) disclosed it to all his (rape joke making) friends without her permission.

It's a mortifying, horribly exposing experience, even though she's done nothing wrong. Personally, the more I think about it, the more the blame rests on her DH.

Eta: so you want to scold women for feeling ashamed, or being very selective who they disclose to? I don't think that will help.

Your husband was clearly hurt by the way the conversation went and rightly so!
People get together and alcohol flows and then some men are just truly stupid and your DH was so sensitive of your trauma and didn't hold back, I'd be careful of any contact going forward.
Drunk isn't an excuse to get away with saying such things about women... Most people who's had a few wouldn't even think of such things.
Sorry you had to go through this .🥰

Is your husband a man or a mouse OP? He should just shut this whole thing down, not consider a meeting to discuss it. He needs to tell the remaining members of his group, that if they think that 'B' should continue to join them, then basically they're saying that his actions were OK. They were NOT!! He needs to say, 'I'm not having any meetings to discuss my relationship with 'B', this man forced my wife to re-live her past trauma, by pushing her to divulge details while in a social gathering, which he clearly enjoyed, and as far as I'm concerned my friendship with him is finished, so if you want to keep him in the group, then I'm out!' If they all apologise and say that the idea of a meeting was a mistake, and they're sorry for even considering trying to fix this, then that's one thing, but if not, then he needs to cut the lot of them off, and show you clearly and unequivocally that he realises what a mistake it was to share YOUR story with the group.

I am so sorry about the rape, and the what this man 'B' (presumably B for BASTARD) has done to you OP, and hope that your husband does the right thing, and apologises sincerely for ever having shared your private history in the first place. Sending a hug your way.

It's clear that you mean well and that you have your own experience of trauma. But telling someone how they should or shouldn't feel can feel invalidating.

People react to this in different ways, and by extension find different things helpful. For example, I don't personally like the "survivor" terminology. But I understand why some people do.

Another example - I think it absolutely has defined me. I get why people say this as a mantra, but it has shaped my attitudes, my decisions, my opinions, even my career for a while. It makes me think extremely carefully about the conversations I have with my daughters. So I'd say it has absolutely defined who I am.

All this to say that people are different and I don't think it's too helpful to tell people how they should feel.

This. 👆

OP, if you don't already know who Dominique Pelicot is, look him up. None of this is normal.

How dreadful for you. Its a funny thing, but after I was raped pretty much every man that found out wanted to have sex with me. It sounds as if something like that is going on here. Your hubby has dreadful friends. What were they doing making the jokes that were so terrible he had to say something in the first place? I think he needs to stick to his guns re not engaging, and if he loses the friendship group, a good thing too
Sadly while you could be present at one meeting. A) remember they will all be talking about you when they are together anyway and b) there is the possibility of it going horribly wrong for you with that kind of prurient interest. Hubby's apology to you should be simply cutting them out of your lives. Never mind the discussion. If you do meet be really clear what you want from. It and be prepared for how you feel if you dont get it.