DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

This vile man was getting off on your trauma and your reaction to it. I’m sorry you went through this. What an awful man.

the other men should want nothing to do with this vile creep.

What an absolute prick, and possible sex offender quite frankly. However, why didn’t you or one of your mates tell him to shut the fuck up when he even mentioned it in the first place? I don’t get why everyone sat there letting him ask personal questions, - and even answering them?!!! He’d have been out on his arse the second he spoke.

Shame needs to switch sides.

This is beyond awful I'm so sorry. Your husband should never have told them, that’s terrible. 😞

lwell it shows men have no comprehension of the trauma it causes

And the fact that your H is more worried about his friends being uncomfortable shows him for who he is even more.

OMG the guy was getting his kicks getting the details of this from you.
Have a meeting with them - noooooooo way. So they can recount it to others when it suits them. - with faux understanding?
Thousands of women are raped and assaulted -direct them to the Rotherham stuff if they want to wallow in it or any other of the thousands of reported cases.

This goes way beyond the friend here. Your H has betrayed you and is lying to you about that - even now. He wasn’t struggling, his defensiveness shows that.

I’d be asking him for space. He doesn’t have your back. This blowing up is seen as a big inconvenience for the group and you are the one getting the blame for that - it’s so fucked up.

it’s absolutely your right who to tell and what. You sound very strong and the shame isn’t yours. The shame is on all of them. Including your H.

OP,

Love, I am gutted for you. I don't have much to add to what pp have said- your husband should not have told his mates (honestly, disgusting behaviour from him), his 'mate' B is beneath contempt and a danger to women as far as I am concerned, and should only be in your house if YOU choose that. And the whole group of mates are disgraces for prioritising their bloody hobby over your trauma. I guess they don't think what you've been through is that big a deal.

I can't imagine how you are feeling - i just wanted to send love, and to tell you to NOT invalidate/deprioritise your own feelings so a few men's lives become somewhat inconvenienced. Take your time if you need and don't be pressured into this meeting or anything else if you aren't ready. Might you consider some counselling sessions to work this through and figure out what you need now?

X

I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were younger @Anon8761 . I'm sorry that this recent experience has happened to you too.

You know B is out of order. There is nothing for your DH to salvage in that friendship.

Holding an intervention in your house is a really bad idea imo. I believe that this could lead to you feeling like your home is no longer a safe space for you.

You sound like a strong woman. Do you need to hear an apology from B to move on from it? I'm not sure he'll realise what he's apologising for - it sounds to me like there's some vile deep rooted stuff in him, particularly because he briefly recognised he may have been making you feel uncomfortable, but ploughed on talking anyway. I don't think an apology from him is worth it.

From your initial post, I was not too grumpy with your DH, as I know I've discussed things with close friends about my partner, as they've impacted me. From your update, I'm not sure if more people in the friendship group heard because your DH told them or because B did or because someone else brought it up as a topic of conversation. Once the information was out there, the control of who heard it was gone.

Moving forward, I think you can put clear boundaries in. DH will not be seeing the friends if B is there. DH is to not be part of any intervention, as there's nothing to repair with B. He's vile. DH is to shut down any conversation about B, or what happened to you, if he's with these friends. It's none of their business.

If the friends want to hold the intervention, then let them. You and DH don't have to be part of that. You know where your lines are around B. There's nothing up for discussion.

If his friends find that too difficult, then DH needs to move onto a new friendship group. He must recognise that none of this would have happened had he not blabbed your deeply personal trauma to as many of his friends as he did.

All the best walking through this one.

The source if your problem is dh. He didnt have your back discussing private issues with his mates.
apparently he told them because they were at our house making jokes in poor taste. And he'd said to stop as I was upstairs and then he told them the trauma no reason to tell them about you. All he had say was ' thats enough fellas, I dont want to hear this" and not use your experience as a reason.
There needs to a line drawn under it. No more discussions.

Personally I wouldn't want friend B in my sight again. He knew you were uncomfortable and carried on! Thats just nasty. What the hell was wrong with him, was he getting off on your discomfort?

I’m so sorry OP. I would be absolutely furious with DH and would feel completely betrayed. This is absolutely private and absolutely your news to tell to whom you want to when you want to.
B was not concerned about you at all, the fact he was asking about your sex life shows he is a vile man.
Im not sure in your shoes I could recover my trust with DH. If he needed additional support I can understand him confiding in one close friend but not the group.
I wouldn’t be meeting up with them and wouldn’t expect DH to either. If the rest of the groups can not understand how disgusting B has behaved then that says a lot about them.

Your DH doesn’t get to tell anyone for ‘support’. Nope. No. If he was struggling the only discussion is with you to say he needs support from a therapist. Your DH is massively in the wrong here, sadly. He caused this. Of course his friend hasn’t taken it seriously as it has been treated as gossip. Having said that, friend is a massive creep with no social skills- imagine thinking it was ok to bring this up?! He’s vile.

Your DP needed support for dealing with the assault you were victim of? 🙄

I am so sorry OP.
This is fucking awful behaviour.

I think the most of my anger would lay with your husband here he had no right to discuss your private life with anyone, especially not a whole group of friends. This is disgraceful and I'm not sure I could forgive this betrayal.

As that is what this is OP. A betrayal of the highest form. He has talked openly about something that was not his to share.

Betrayal comes in all forms OP. But this is up there with the worst for me, as it's betrayal of trust. Which involves major trauma.

I'm not sure attending a meeting would be the first thing on my mind. I would honestly want space from him so I could think about how to move in from this.

Exactly this!
Unfortunately most men don't understand or accept how SA affects us & B was definitely asking those hideous probing questions for the reason stated above - self gratification! This is 100% a hideous trauma & not some 'spicy' bloody discussion that warrants a get-together with the boys, & certainly not in your home! Any excuse for another piss-up! 😡
Your home is (or should be) your safe place. Please say no to any of this & make your DH aware this is never up for discussion (EVER) with them. How demeaning to think they could fix this through their 'manly' (as they see it!) perspective! How dare they. I'm angry for you. No wonder only 2% are successful! I'm so sorry you've had to feel violated all over again! 💐

No. No to a meeting about you. No to you going to a meeting. No to ANY meeting at all. This is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!!!!!
Your H needs to tell the group that there will be no more discussion of your trauma. It is private and he should not have told them about it. He needs to say that he can no longer see or interact with.B at all. The group needs to see that how B spoke to you was incredibly insensitive. If they don’t, 30 years or not, H needs to break contact with them also. If H can’t do this for you he choosing them above you and that is not ok. This is relationship ending. The blame lies with your H.

There not discussing you and what happened to you
there trying to finding away forward for there friendship group

I would have thought the meeting should simply discuss how to handle discretion and trust in future amongst the group rather than discuss your situation and any attempts in that should be calmly pushed back on by your husband, I din’t see a need for you to join although I can appreciate your concerns. Person B seems vile and manipulative and I’d have thought the group should indeed reduce contact with him and definitely your husband seems to want this too. The initial decision on how much was shared with others was yours to make, and the action sat with your husband as to not sharing if he didn’t have your consent. He cannot however turn that back now but he was wrong even if well meaning - he needs to come out from this very clear on that front,

I’m so sorry op. You’ve been through so much and your husband has betrayed you in the most awful way. He didn’t need to tell his friends about your trauma. He could have just told them to stop talking in a derogatory way or said it hits close to home to him because a loved one went through something terrible. He never ever had to mention you and he should be very ashamed of himself. It’s not something I could get past.

your husbands friend gives off such bad vibes. He enjoyed making you uncomfortable trust me. I would want to be in that “meeting” and I’d want all their partners there too. So they could witness me ripping them all, including husband, a new arse!.

I hope you’re doing okay op. I can imagine how you’re feeling right now. I send you my best wishes and a hug x

Op, so sorry. Before anything happens I suggest you speak with a counsellor and process this. I think being in a room of defensive men could be very difficult for you and I don't think your DH has the necessary skills to process this.

Your DH is allowed to cut off a friend and it's immature of the others to try and put the group above all in life. There is clearly something wrong with B and I would be wondering what he gets up to privately

If B was a decent a person he would be mortified he upset you. I think the discussion however feels wrong, surely the group recognise that people change and not all behaviour should be tolerated? The purpose of the discussion is to make your DH (and you if you attend) feel in the wrong for blanking B.

This ‘inner circle’ of friends is disturbing tbh and I think all should break free from it. With a small allowance for how they may have been as kids, 30 years ago, it has continued, or developed, and consolidated along highly toxic Tate view levels of women. I recently watched Lord of the Flies BBC adaptation - reminding me of the themes of primitive savagery when unchecked by society - I find this similar in a way tbh - small group of guys with no concern within that group of societal norms of any respect for women as human beings - potentially devastating consequences ultimately- and you have been on the receiving end of some already sadly.

It is obviously too difficult now to maintain these Tate views within the ‘circle’ and stuff naturally falls out of it - firstly the ridiculous lengths your husband had to take to stop rapey jokes in your own home. This with B is incredible levels of going outside norms - maybe he feels as part of the ‘circle’ he has as much interest/right to know as your husband - which is equally disturbing. However, I think he’s probably just the one that said it out loud to you and it’s been a theme of their discussions before - if not personally about you - the other friend was a bit fast to know exactly what B had been saying imo - it was never put to the back of their minds as something awful that happened to their friend’s wife.

I guess you obviously see a completely different man in your husband - this is such a mindfuck for you this difference - let alone the subject matter that has caused it.

I’d like to think I’d draw a hard line on my partner being part of this group particularly as they all want B excuses it seems. I know it’s not that easy always but take your time to decide. Sadly, I don’t think you’ll achieve what you would want to achieve by attending / I think they’re too far down this road to ever understand the points you might make, though they’d give lip service perhaps. Be very, very sure you’d feel better for it, if you decide to attend.

Be kind to yourself OP 💐

OP this is shocking. Your DH discussed your rape? If that's true he's an absolute gobshite.

My husband would not be talking to anyone even our medically qualified friends ( and yes I was raped at 16 and I'm a CSA survivor).
These men should not be welcomed into your home. What the fuck? This is private business and you are not there for their entertainment. Perhaps they're a bunch of pervs.
Your husband owes you an apology. His friends are not your friends. It's disgusting.
Personally I'd be looking at changing husbands to one that likes you.

I find it really bizarre that your DH has told his friends of your trauma and even more bizarre that his friends are discussing you at length. What was your DH doing when his friend was grilling you? Did he not say anything to shut the friend up?

I’m sorry this happened OP.
In your situation I wouldn’t meet with them. But I would be sending them a long group message stating what happened and all the ways it’s unacceptable and why, and why it would be additionally inappropriate for them all to sit and discuss it. And your DH should state that as a result he won’t be seeing B, or anyone that is an apologist for B, going forwards.
I wouldn’t want to sit with any of them. But I would want to get these points across before cutting them out. If your DH can’t go along with that then there a wider issue there.