DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

So what if you are making them uncomfortable. It’s nothing in comparison to how they made you feel.

all they care about is getting things back to normal. That’s it.

Your DH needs to say no to the meeting. He should be furious at B (not least for the question about whether or not he satisfies you in bed - did you tell him that part?) and never see him again. The group will just have to accept that some behaviour is so bad it can’t be made up for and that it isn’t a group decision.

and boohoo if it makes them feel uncomfortable! How uncomfortable are they making you feel?! So bloody what, they can just suck it up for being rape apologists. B is going to, what, say sorry to your DH (not even to you!) and they all want him to then accept that and go back to normal?!

I'm so sorry OP. Your husband is a dimwit who betrayed your trust. He doesn't get to shut you down now and abdicate responsibility for the harm he has done. If you feel up to it, please give him this thread to read so hopefully he gets it.

B is obviously a creep and a pervert, maybe even a sexual abuser. The fact that his friends are ok with keeping him around as well as making rape jokes and discussing your trauma amongst themselves just makes me think your husband should ditch the lot of them.

I’m so sorry op. That guy is an absolute creep! And I’m angry on your behalf at your dh thinking this is ok for him to tell his friends when you haven’t even told yours. I’d honestly be reevaluating my marriage at this point.

This isn’t anyone but your trauma to tell about and discuss. How fucking dare your DH do this to you. I was raped at 5 and I’d be fucking incandescent and divorce DH if he had done this. All of these relationships are unsalvageable IMO.

Just seen your latest update Op.
They need to feel as uncomfortable as possible. It’s not normal to make rapey jokes (which is what kicked all this off), it’s not normal AT ALL to do or say the things B did to you.

They all need to look at themselves here.

I can’t understand why your DH has told so many of his friends.

Don't text them whilst you are angry but perhaps compose one which might help you clarify thoughts and feelings. Leave it unsent.
Perhaps show DH though he already knows how you feel.
It's on him.
He caused this so needs to deal with the mess by putting you first at all times which is what he should have done in the first place but didn't and must do now if he wants your love and respect.

I honestly think I'd want DH to cut off the whole friend group. And I'd be beyond furious with him for betraying my trust.

I’m sorry but the chances of that are zero. Friend will say she is making stuff up / she is traumatised. It will turn very nasty. Everyone will argue. This isn’t a soap. It is OP’s life.

Your H should be handling this by completely shutting it down. There should be no meeting or discussion and if he wants to salvage a friendship with the remainder of the group, they should understand that he never wants to hear them discuss your trauma or B again. There should be no need for you to message any of his friends.

Does your H acknowledge that B is clearly a pervert? Is he concerned that any of his other friends might have got a kick hearing about your trauma, but it just happens that B was the one who ended up seeing you without your husband so he could do that to you?

I felt sorry for your naive husband initially, but I’m beginning to wonder about him too.

I don’t really now why they’re meeting. What’s going to be said that’s going to make it ok and good FH to want to start hanging around with B again. The group just want to smooth it over so that they don’t have to split the group or take sides, they’re going to push for them to be friends again.

This is so awful I don't know where to start, but I'll start with your husband. It's his fault. He shouldn't have said anything, ever, to these men. He's the cause of all of this. How you deal with it is up to you but I wouldn't trust him one inch now. He doesn't want an argument? Tough.

I can't begin to get my head round this 'meeting' in your house! With you there? What on earth for? How will that improve things for you, OP, and never mind about these horrible men? Don't agree to any meeting in your house, with or without you there. You can't stop them talking elsewhere, clearly, but it mustn't be where you are supposed to feels safe.

As for B. What a PoS. And how many others of this group of men were getting sexually aroused by the attack on you? And you are considering having these men in your home?????

Your DH doesn’t want an argument? He thinks your expression of your perspective and feelings is under his command?

If your husband had kept his mouth shut from the start, then this whole situation would have never happened. Why on earth did your husband tell all his mates about your past trauma? That in itself, is a betrayal.

As for his friend B, I can't even fathom why he even brought up the subject, to you, let alone spent the night quizzing you. He clearly knew his line of questioning was making you uncomfortable but didn't care enough to stop.

All the friendship group wanting to meet to try and salvage the relationship between your husband and B, without your input. You need to take the power back, and say that they all come to the house. You then bloody well give B a dressing down for his behaviour. Make it crystal clear to every single one of them, that they never ever bring the subject up.

B didn’t just say something in passing, he really got into it. It’s just weird he would even think that’s appropriate. DH has bought this on himself, and if he ruins his group of friends then that’s his fault. I’d be absolutely fuming with DH.

Absolutely agree. How dare they say any of this is up for discussion! Your husband needs to decide whether his marriage is more important than his creepy friends. And learn to keep his mouth shut.

The whole thing is very odd. B is a wanker. Why would he think that you wouldn’t be able to go out or that you’d want to sit on a night out chatting about being raped? And the sex comments are downright creepy. Your H is right to cut him off, but why does he also appear to be gossiping to everyone he knows about it? I can kind of understand if he felt the need to offload to a trusted friend but he seems to have told everyone he knows.

What is there to discuss, your husband doesn’t want to be friends with him because he did something awful, that’s it, that’s the end of the discusssion.

What ? Your H should tell then . What meeting ? NOONE should be discussing his wife's personal life, a multiple agression, then torment her with it in public. Why isnt he furious?
Why did you want to be present when these jerks discuss your violation?
No meeting, with or without you.
B is a pervert bully, he was enjoying embarrassing & tormenting you.
You should have shut him down, “This is not a subject for open discussion nor, public scrutiny. You need to go away”.

Your dh is an absolute prick and had no right to tell these dickheads anything about you. If he’s known them for 30 years he must be aware that gossiping about his wife being raped is not something they would take seriously. I couldn’t get past this - telling one best friend in confidence maybe, telling the lads on a night out/in absolutely not. He’s the one that has caused this problem. I don’t think these men would take this seriously and I think you’ll cause yourself more trauma trying to get them to understand. These men see themselves as the ‘nice’ namalt men which I’d be very surprised if they are from what you’re saying - it’s not in their interests to take you seriously or understand how being raped effects women in general. I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Absolutely a pervert. The fact he asked "did you prefer sex before or after?" is particularly horrifying on so many levels. B sounds truly twisted.

DH telling the group to stop making rape jokes (and perhaps they refused so in his panic DH stated why) does not give those 'friends' an excuse to ask a traumatised victim anything whatsoever about it, let alone to drop it on her that he knows and then salaciously interrogate her all evening, after encountering her randomly on a night out. And the way he dropped "we all know"?! I'm so sorry OP. You must have been reeling.

There should be no further discussion with the twisted boundary-busting pervert. Seriously he sounds psychopathic doing this to you. The friend group are going to have to choose and if they're so determined B stays in their group, DH should opt out altogether.

On that note, DH sounds above the whole lot of them anyway, given this whole situation has arisen from the fact they were making jokes about rape in the first place. Birds of a feather.

OP I am reading this with a tight chest and rising feelings of panic because this happened to me too, right down to a person bringing it up at a social event.

I can’t read the whole thread but just wanted to say before I left that you are allowed to centre yourself in this. Take control: that’s what was taken from me and I am refusing to let people keep taking it from me in the form of ‘support’ until I am suddenly ‘too sensitive’.

Only my advice, but now you get to lead. You also get to do nothing until you are ready to. I would say the following to DH and pretend to mean every word of it:

’Ok, I have been traumatised enough by all of this so no, I don’t want a fight or any more fall out. I can see you all want to help so here is what would actually help.

Before we all get together to discuss me, let’s make it really productive for our whole friendship group. The best way forward is that I will write down in bullet points what happened, including at the social event with B - no emotions, just facts - and then you and B can take it to Rape Crisis or a SA trained counsellor and they can advise you what to do next to repair this so that we know we are all doing the right thing.

It won’t work without everyone understanding how to move forward. B and your friendship group are not trained in trauma support for me or you so it would be the most healing way if they really all care about supporting you (AND BLOODY ME) properly’

Then drop out of the conversation and repeat this at every turn. They need to hear it from someone who isn’t you all about the re-traumatisation of survivors, of the minimisation from their friends etc. They will be told, in no uncertain terms, that they are harming you. It hurts for you to have to tell them this.

They are so self centred, but think they are the saviours, and in my experience, that was the hardest thing after the event for me to deal with. I had to perform how they expected a victim to perform so they could feel like the good guy.

My heart is with you. You are NOT in the wrong.

Friend B sounds like a creep, I can't believe he even mentioned it, let alone pushed you to talk about it 1:1 in a bar. You would have been well within your rights to tell him to fuck off and mind his own business.

I would hate that my partner has shared any details of this with a male friend group. Telling one or two trusted friends for support perhaps, but even then, they don't need to know details of what happened to you to be able to support him. Very poor judgement on your husbands part and this whole follow up meeting thing is just awful.

Your husband needs to be clear, your trauma is not up for discussion, neither with you or about you, from this point forwards, no meeting. If his friends are making crude / rapey/ inappropriate conversation he should be calling them out on that because it's wrong full stop, not because his partner might be upset.