DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

Good grief no. This is a terrible idea.

Your DH should be making it clear that there is no point in a group discussion because no amount of conversation amongst his friends will

• Make YOU feel any more comfortable with B after his inexcusable behaviour
• Mean that YOU are any more comfortable with DH spending time with someone who treated you that way
• Resolve how exposing and inappropriate it was that your trauma had been a subject for discussion in the first place
• Maks it any more acceptable that you have been put in this position

Its so fucking male centred. He needed support from 7 friends because of something you experienced 7 years prior to meeting? Fuck that.

They all need to "sort" this issue, whilst you're still trying to figure who has been told, and who has passed on, one of the most private aspect of your past? And yet none of them have reached out to you to apologise? Fuck that.

Would I hell be at any group discussion, because in their self centred minds that validates it. I'd put it clearly to your DH that he needs to think long and hard about why he shared that information, and then put you in social situations where you were so exposed and ignorant of that fact. And that if he or any of his friends expect this to be "sorted" its a clear indication of where they stand morally and in relation to care for you and you'll protect your boundaries and self accordingly.

I'm incandescent for you.

They don't need a meeting and your DH certainly shouldn't attend. B should be thrown out of the friendship group immediately as he is an utterly disgusting man who is turned on by your rape/sexual assault. His behaviour towards you was unconscionable and he should be completely shunned by all decent people.

Your DH's behaviour is also pretty unforgivable. It was completely inappropriate for him to tell his friends about what happened to you. He could have shut the inappropriate conversation down without revealing your trauma. It's up to you whether you can forgive him and carry on with the marriage. One condition should be that he never ever has any further contact with B. If he refuses, that should be marriage ending.

I'm so sorry about what happened to you when you were 17. You have done everything possible to rebuild your life and your home with your DH should be your safe haven. He has completely ruined that and you shouldn't feel bad if you can't forgive him and your marriage ends.

I agree with PPs. The only reason your husband told them was because they were making rape jokes and he didn’t want you to find out.

I wouldn’t have any of them in my life ever again, apology or not. And quite frankly, DH would be gone as well for such a fucking colossal breach of trust.

Don't text them. There's no point, and it would only open you to accusations of being crazy or interfering, and also keep you emotionally embroiled in the situation. Step back, and have your boundaries be that you want nothing to do with them for the foreseeable future, end of.

Your husband doesn't want an argument? Good, because he shouldn't be bloody arguing with you. By saying he 'doesn't want an argument', he's saying that he disagrees with you in some way, and he thinks you're being unreasonable. WTF.

Personally, if I were you, I'd want my DH to at minimum apologise for disclosing the rape to his friends without your express permission, and demonstrate that he understands why it wasn't appropriate. Also at minimum, I'd want him to cut off B, and tell his other friends that he's not interested in discussing that decision at all, as B has shown himself to be a creep. If that means your DH is pushed out of the friend group, so be it - they're not friends worth keeping.

What a horrible thing to experience OP. I'm sorry I hope you're ok 💐

1 question: why why why WHY are you not boiling with anger at your DH? He should never have told a single soul about what happened to you without our prior consent. His friend is disgusting, I can't believe he would ask such questions but ultimately, your DH should never have shared this with them.

Can you tell all their wives?
That they all thought it was ok to make rapey jokes.
That B is a potential rapist - getting off on the details and then further taking control and agency away by asking about your sex life with DH in public in front of your friends.
That all of their husbands are protecting him and minimising it therefore colluding in the culture that says this is ok and making all their wives part of it.
And that their husbands are inviting this predatory man into their houses.
I would bet he's asked all of the men about their sex lives in their little gatherings. Id let the wives know this too.
Id also worry about Bs partner and let the wives know in case she is being coerced into sex.

And your DH’s friend thinks ‘sorting this out’ is within his control? He doesn’t think that B has transgressed social boundaries and that relationship is not recoverable?

Men are so arrogant. Imagining that their view, their experience are the ones that count. Setting themselves up a chief arbiters of everything. Tunnel-visioned toss-pots.

The issue they need to address as a group is surely how to reconcile respect for women, as people of equal complexity, perspective, experience and value, with the continued operation of their friendship group.

I am disgusted at this group of gossipy, codependent men, including your DH. B is a particularly nasty character but all of them are revolting, suggesting a social get together where they can talk about your private business once again. This would be so majorly off putting to me that it would probably end my marriage. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You need to TELL DH... That he never EVER discusses your trauma /rape with ANYONE...

I have a trauma history from over 40 years ago... My partner and a few close friends know... (some of whom have similar histories)

The phrase we/they've used is... Please stop with these jokes/comments... You don't know anyone's history who are hearing this... '

This. 👏

You have a DH and B problem. I was violently attacked in my 20s and was kidnapped and held against my will, strangled and assaulted physically and sexually. I escaped and survived. My DH knows. He knows a lot including small details like certain clocks and smells and words that are triggering. He would NEVER tell anyone.

As a survivor I get to tell who I trust.

DH was totally and utterly out of order and he needs to drop ALL of his friends. For me it would be a betrayal and I don’t know if I could come back from it.

To be asked knowing you have been raped about your sex life is abuse. Why hasn’t your DH exploded with all of them.

1. they make abusive ‘banter’ jokes and your DH told them about your past why are they doing this? Why is he friends with men like this?
2. He should of said - hey guys it’s not ok to talk about women like this or whatever no reason just line in the sand
3. If they didn’t he stops his friendship

no meetings. No discussion of you.
B abused my wife he traumatised my wife - this is what he asked her - how fucking dare he. How fucking dare he question her or bring it up. She was a victim of a serious assault and he repeatedly questioned her in an space where she was socialising - if any of you think that is ok or what to discuss it further - you can ALL fuck off. We do not treat women like this and we do not to this to the survivors of assault. Violence against women by is men is real and if you can’t see that - then I need new friends. I won’t do this and I won’t discuss my wife’s trauma any more. My focus is on her. Not meeting you

You’re giving their feelings way too much credit and headspace, OP. These are men who were making rape jokes in your house so that your DH felt compelled to fill them in on your worst experience because telling them rape isn’t funny didn’t occur to him, then one of them turned your rape into his own personal wank fodder, apparently because he thinks non-consensual sex is sexy, and now the rest of the group are trying to make that disappear, not because they’re appalled by B or remorseful, but because your rape is less important than that their collective friendship continue unimpeded.

Make no mistake, whether or not you attend, this ‘summit’ will feature you as a tiresome, over-sensitive inconvenience who should have got over it all by now, and your DH will be pressured into forgiving his loathsome friend B. Sexual crimes with female victims are less important than their hobby. Or their ‘discomfort’.

Im not sure there’s any way of coming back from this. Your DH has appalling judgement both in friends and in disclosing your private trauma and didn’t tell you, and has lied to you. The fact that he’s even contemplating discussing the whole horror with his friends suggests his priorities are completely wrong. The fact that these people are his friends also.

By the way, in case it didn’t come across, I would never be having the meeting, never apologising and definitely not in my own safe space of home.

I would hope that once DH sought advice from professionals that he would be quickly schooled. You can deal with that when it comes. You don’t have to go at their pace or get swept up in their drama.

You also don’t have to sit in a room full of men who think they are saving you but who are just refusing to hear your ‘no’.

Too traumatising x

If they were making rape jokes, given how B wanted you to talk about it, I'd say he gets off on rape. That might get pounced on, but it's a common theme across men sex discussion sites. This is why sometimes women are told not to tell of any abuse early on in a relationship. Some men enjoy victims. This is also an example of how men don't cut abusive/rapey/pedophile/DV men out. Which is why so many of us are sceptical about NAMALT. I can't help feeling your DH has put himself center stage and you've been dehumanised along the way. It's become his story. B was getting off on it and I'm struggling to understand your DH's lack of reaction. I think DH has gone into your sex life and detail way too much. I don't know many men who'd not react to their wives being asked if they satisfy them. I'd be wary of any men who your DH recruits to 'have your back', he's actually putting you in danger.

Your DH doesn't want an argument because he doesn't want to hear how all of this is his own fault. He told his friends something very, very private to you, now his pervert friend has blown his cover and threathened their friendship group, that's what they're focused on, keeping the group together, not on B needing calling out and treated as the nasty, sick man he is.
I'm sorry @Anon8761 , you need to have that argument, your DH needs to know how badly he's behaved and what you need to resolve this

This

sorry @Anon8761 there's something wrong with all of these people.

DH needs to send a message to all of them that they need to get it through their thick skulls that there is no “issue” to be discussed and that the friendship with B is over because B is a creepy little pervert. There is no “maintaining” anything after that and if they wish to carry on associating with creepy little perverts that’s their choice, but he will not be. Why is that so difficult?

This is one of those situations where "let them" is the perfect way forward.

Let them crack on with whatever they want. You have nothing to explain or text them over.

You are holding your boundaries over not seeing them. Your DH must hold his by refusing to see B again, or discuss what has happened with the remaining friends, in support of you.

The friends can do whatever they like in response to that.

When they were joking initially and DH wanted them to pipe down incase you heard, he should have simply said “I don’t want you to make jokes about this, it’s inappropriate.” Why did he feel the need to share something incredibly private and personal to you with his whole friendship group just to get them to stop making infantile obnoxious jokes?

I’d reserve my anger for him in this instance I’m afraid. It wasn’t his trauma to share and as for B, DH shouldn’t even contemplate remaining friends with the absolute creep. Sorry this happened to you.

I'm absolutely livid on your behalf OP, how dare your husband betray your trust like that? It sounds like he's blabbing your business around like the worst kind of gossip and I'd be wondering who else he's told.
I'm not sure I'd be able to forgive him.

Your DH should never have diminished your experiences by trading them with his friends, like campfire stories.

They are all, including your DH, using you as a source of salacious drama and there is something very wrong with this. Your husband needs to put an immediate stop to all of it, and if this means ceasing contact with them and finding new friends, then that is what he must do.

There are so many broken boundaries here.

OP this is a really fast moving thread - I think @WahWahWahs post is really good, I don’t want you to miss it.

I’m so sorry that you’re having to go through this.

your husband behaved despicably, his friend behaved even more despicably, his wider friendship group are behaving despicably

how dare they all think it’s appropriate for them to control the proceedings and narrative on this. For me your DH respects your wishes and calls a stop to this, or he’s continuing to be as bad as the rest of them - the fact that them thinking it’s appropriate for anyone other than you to decide what happens from here is absolutely mind blowing

I would leave a man who has destroyed my privacy and is friends with perverts.