DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

Agree - B is a weirdo and your husband needs new friends.

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

I bet all of these men think they’re one of the good guys as well.

Once again, men's comfort is more important than a woman's trauma. TBH they should all be banned from your home anyway and it sounds as though they are relishing this meeting where they discuss the worst thing that has ever happened to you.

Your husband should be completely shutting this down. No meeting, no discussions, just expelling B from the group. He is a creepy pervert who is a danger to women. Why would any decent men want to be friends with him?

Your husband's current behaviour is absolutely awful. He sounds more invested in saving his friendship group than supporting you. He's avoiding your calls and messages like the coward he is.

You are the mother of his children and he has completely betrayed you. I'm so sorry.

Oh, for christ’s sake, he wants to leave you to look after the kids while he goes to this completely pointless summit? That’s even worse! No! Are your kids old enough to understand? If under 3, I’d be saying fuck that, you’re taking the kids with you.

This whole situation is horrible. If it had happened to me, I don't think I could let it rest tbh. Neither would I trust my DH if he said that his "group" were excluding B. Me being a bit bolshy, I think I'd arrange for a sitter for your DC and go to the meeting wherever it's being held. I'd also probably either spring this on my DH as he's walking out the door (so he doesn't have time to let his "friends" know what they might be in for), or just turn up there after he's already gone. Then once there, I'd be the one driving the "intervention" to make B and all the others extremely uncomfortable. But I realise you may not want to do that. I sincerely wish you well.

Agree with this. Anything you add will just add to the drama. They all sound fucking nuts. It’s one thing to salvage the friendship but quite another to have a ‘meeting’ to discuss your past trauma. As hard as it is I would disengage from it all.

I think I would too, I'd feel betrayed and then he minimised your trauma to gossip with friends, B sounds as if he gets off on this sort of thing . Very weird.

I'm so sorry, OP, what an absolute headfuck.

It might be a good idea to figure out what you want from your DH at minimum, and your own boundaries, and jot them down in your notes app - that might help you put the issue aside until your DH gets home? Just so you're not ruminating on it all day, although I imagine it'll be hard not to dwell on it anyway.

It's a real betrayal from your DH, and his defensive reaction to your distress must be so disappointing. Personally, I'd be tempted to tell him that if he goes to this stupid meeting, he'll be crossing a line - it's not him that B wronged, it's you, so what do they want to talk to your DH about?? He should tell them that he's not about to go to some strange group mediation, and that there's nothing to discuss in regards to B.

It’s your husband’s fault for telling them all. What an idiot! He only needed to say stop that, it’s inappropriate. Not tell them why! I have been through similar and I’m not ashamed but it’s private and my story to tell only if I want to. Only a handful of people know including my family. There is no way I’d ever want my husband’s friends to know as knowledge is power and it is mine. I’d be so upset if they discussed it with me on a night out in front of other friends. For me personally I’d avoid all of his friends from now on. That friend in particular seemed to enjoy making you squirm and embarrassed. He is not a nice guy at all. There is no way I’d agree to a meeting. They don’t get to decide what you’re going to do, as it may open up lots of trauma for you. They are not counselling experts! I’m afraid this is your husband’s mess to clean up and he has to decide if they’re really good friends or not. But they cannot come into your home from now on as things have changed.

I understand telling a very limited selection of people within certain circumstances (ie certain teachers when you’re still a minor) but a group of friends? I think I’d divorce over it.

I have an extensive past of sexual trauma as a teenager and DP is aware of it, but if he had shared it with friends without my consent I’d probably leave him. And frankly his friend was fucking creepy, I thought this story was going to go in a even more horrid direction.

OP, don’t text them. Don’t attend the ‘meeting’. Have nothing to do with this vile group of men. But you have lots of discussions with your husband ahead. I really hope at some point he ‘gets it’. Maybe consider some relationship counselling as this is quite a big area to navigate on your own.

Remember you have done nothing wrong. You are not making them feel uncomfortable. You are absolutely the innocent party here. Hold your head up high and assert yourself, especially around your husband who has betrayed you in the worst way possible.

OMG I can't even read all the replies. How dare any of them be trying to steer this. DH has to tell B to fuck off and never see him again. The rest of the "friends" need to mind their own fucking business and your husband needs to let the cards fall where they do even if it means losing all these men. He also owes you the biggest of apologies for over sharing. I'm so sorry OP this whole scenario is fucked up.

I would leave my Husband over this. Telling his friends about your private life? Absolute wanker.

Your DH shouldn’t have told his friends at all. The fact that B chose to even mention it at all, let alone continue to question you in such weird and intrusive way is atrocious. No decent person would ever do that. There’s something seriously wrong with them.

Have you messaged him: we can discuss, but you need to be clear they can decide what they like, what I care about is what you decide and what I decide, which includes how I feel about your role in all this. If you don’t have my back absolutely here then I cannot trust you. Right now I cannot trust you. <friend> is a creepy predator and you need to see that.

You are not making anyone uncomfortable. You are not responsible for any of this mess. Quite frankly, your husband is. He betrayed you by telling his friends. This is not information to share with anyone but a therapist, if he needed to talk about it. He’s not even owning up to what he’s done, he’s lied and he’s minimising what he has done. What B did is vile and unforgivable. No respectable person would ever raise this with you, ever, let alone question you in the way he did. Only you can decide where you go from here. I’m sorry sorry you are going through this.

You have a very serious issue with the group as a whole. They only know the full story because they were making inappropriate rape based jokes in the first place op. Your dh has been listening to this, and most likely joining in for three whole decades.

The reason this feels so ‘uncomfortable’ ‘difficult’ for all of them as they have been joking and minimising the rape and abuse of women all their lives - now one of the predators within the group has been exposed. Make no mistake B was pressing you for sexual gratification, and enjoyed hurting and upsetting you.

The culture of the whole group is toxic, and this situation has just highlighted the fact. The group’s survival may be at stake. And they are no doubt blaming you op directly or indirectly.

Your dh either walks away from the group, or he walks away from his marriage, he can no longer straddle both.

Given what has happened to you I am amazed he could tolerate ‘friends’ like this in the first place.

I am deeply sorry you have been through such a terrible situation and are now feeling retraumatised again. Your dh needs to now prioritise your emotional safety, he needs to step back from his friends and step up and put you first.

I think this is literally going to come down to telling your DH that he’s going to have to choose between you and B. He shouldn’t be this stupid, but he is. He thinks, like his friends, that somehow this can be smoothed over. It can’t. If his friends can’t accept that, then he’s choosing between you and his stupid inner circle of rape-jokers and perverts and arrogant misogynists who think women’s trauma is less important than their comfort. You can say you don’t want to argue either, but that’s what it comes down to and he’d better get his thick head around that fast. And that’s if you can forgive him telling them all in the first place.

Your “d” h is a vile gossip! His “friends” are nasty vile people and frankly the fact he told everyone he has violates you all over again! He shouldn’t have EVER said anything to anyone!!! The creep of B is a nasty nasty little fuck who deserves to feel uncomfortable! They ALL do! I would message the group - factually - telling them exactly what B said and how that made you feel violated all over again. I’d also tell them that your personal history has nothing to do with them and their “friendship group!” NOTHING!! It’s not up for discussion and titivation! If your husband ever sees ANY of these nasty people ever again i would never speak to him again.

frankly what your husband has done is just as bad as his mates! Telling them your personal history because they were making nasty jokes about rape?!?! Why the fuck does he even have “friends” like this??? That’s not normal to joke about and any normal decent human being knows that!!!

I think your DH should really stop seeing this friendship group. They all sound vile and he sounds disloyal.

B is clearly a creepy pervert who felt he had a right to discuss this with you - he needs to be told to shut up and never mention your name again.

I truly think DH should drop them all (I appreciate he’s known them forever but that’s tough) and not open his mouth about your trauma ever again unless you ask him to.

Whether this happens, I can’t say but if it didn’t, I wouldn’t married to him.

I'm seeing a lot of comments against your husband here. I'm sure there are very few people on this page that haven't spoken to a best friend about a partners trauma/life event. Also encouraged to talk to a friend. You have nothing to feel shameful about. Your husband sounds like he has your back.
B is an absolute red flag. Sitting alone in a bar that sounds like somewhere women congregate. Trying to isolate a drunk woman at point, but maybe you interrupted his plan for the night so he got his kicks out off you.
If any of my husbands friends asked me if he satisfied me in bed I'd have serious issues. B's questioning of you was depraved,cruel and twisted. If he's married I'd be sending his wife a list of the questions he asked you. I'd also consider letting your husband send them to the rest of his friends and saying this is the reason I will not be in B's company any longer and if they don't see anything wrong with the questions or would be happy to let their wives be questioned like that he don't be in their company either.
Another option is to bring them all to your house but only if they bring their wives/partners.

It might be a terrible idea but this man is getting off Scot free. It very much feels like this group of men are going to close ranks and he's going to continue getting away with it. Again.
The OP has had some great advice from many many people here and hopefully the sheer number and strength of support should help her to feel supported and not alone.

I think you must go into self preservation mode here.
Do you have a counsellor/ organisation you can contact?
I feel you could really do with professional support in this circumstance.

Do not let these men into your home which should be a safe space for you.

I’m concerned that given the reaction of B and this group of men ( including your husband) any kind of meeting will be incredibly distressing for you and you certainly shouldn’t be the only woman there.

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you.

I agree with someone else, I don't think I could stay with my husband if he'd told his circle of friends about my past trauma. To me that's the ultimate betrayal in trust. The incident with B is, to a degree a secondary incident, that would have never happened, if OP's husband hadn't blabbed to start with.

B is a pervert, who knew exactly what he was doing. Someone can't be that socially unaware or dimwitted to think the line of questioning was appropriate. You then have to ask yourself, what was his motive? To make OP uncomfortable? To gain some sense of power by questioning her over something he knew was triggering? Or does he get some form of sexual gratification?