DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I'm so sorry but your husband is very wrong. Your marriage is not fine. You have done absolutely nothing wrong except to trust him when he isn't trustworthy. He has broken your confidence on numerous occasions for reasons that aren't entirely clear. He is weaponising your trauma now to get himself off the hook. You are a SAHM to your joint children which allows him to concentrate on his career without having to juggle anything as you are keep things going at home yet he is throwing the fact that you are in paid employment in your face.

I think that there is something very wrong with your husband. I'd hate to think that he is titillated by your sexual assault in some way, but I can't think of any other reason why he would talk about it to all and sundry, including his male friends, his mum and his boss. None of them needed to know and certainly not without your permission.

OP literally said he told this group of friends without her consent. She's said multiple times she feels exposed.

He told her he did it to get group support for him.

There's the intent right there and hell no. His motivation in sharing her private trauma was selfish.

So I agree this is a horribly low bar.

As you’re quoting me, I’ll respond.

It’s not a “low bar”. It might be where you draw your red line and that’s fine, but to suggest other women are making inferior judgements is pretty rude, tbh.

Humans are imperfect. If someone makes a poor decision but genuinely believed they were doing the right thing, I would be inclined to give them another chance.

As I said above, intent matters. As does the overall picture.

If this was the final straw in a marriage where a man was consistently disregarding my wishes or being unsupportive, then he’d be gone.

But if he was generally kind, loving, and supportive but thought that he was protecting me by making sure everyone around me knew so they could look out for me, then yes, I’d forgive him. I’d be bloody angry but a mistake made in good faith in a marriage where I was otherwise respected and loved, is retrievable.

We don’t have to agree on this.

I am sorry about your history but setting aside telling his boss which was wrong without getting her permission to do so, if a man shares that kind of information with a group of his male friends, he is either a moron or an abuser.

I think it's amazing and wonderful that you have been able to stand up for yourself, OP - to send the message on the group chat and to confront your husband about his appalling behaviour.

It seems your husband, having already massively betrayed your trust, is now attempting to weaponise your trauma and use it against you. When you confronted him about telling all and sundry behind your back he could have been contrite, apologised to you genuinely, shown some remorse. Instead he appears to have doubled down on behaving like a dick (maybe he just is a dick?).

Did you get together with him when you were still very vulnerable? I am suspicious that he has enjoyed the perceived power imbalance within your relationship and is going to show a different (truer) side to himself now that you've caught him out.

this is not about "the group" this is about a man who has gaslit and abused his wife.

But, if my DP shared my history in good faith, genuinely believing that he was protecting me, I’d be able to forgive him. I’d still be angry, as I indicated, but it would potentially be retrievable.

I'm frequently amazed at the low bar some women set for their men. You'd be willing to forgive your husband treating you as if you were a very small child. What has been disclosed would be unacceptable for a parent to make about a Gillick competent child, far less an independent adult.

I think many posters, myself included, feel her husband shared OP's private information in extremely bad faith, especially given how far and widely he shared it, and how he has been forced to reluctantly cough up the information. But ultimately that it what the OP has to decide. Does she believe her H had benign reasons for sharing. He is coming off as fundamentally quite dishonest. OP has a lot to consider.

He's actually admitted he's used your trauma to be a slacker at work!
You don't need his permission to file for divorce.

You certainly aren't a team.

He is a prize twat.

I divorced my dh for less.

@bigboykitty

My mother has nothing to do with this - but the type of person she is does.

As I said, I’d be mortified and angry either way.

But, if my DP shared my history in good faith, genuinely believing that he was protecting me, I’d be able to forgive him. I’d still be angry, as I indicated, but it would potentially be retrievable.

If my DP shared my personal information to gain some kind of advantage for himself - maybe attention, for people to feel sorry for him, status etc - then I’d never forgive him.

I used my mother to illustrate the point that for me at least, intent matters. And because of my experience with my mother, I’m aware that there are many possible reasons why OP’s husband might have shared her information. As I said, none of it is ok - but the underlying reason would dictate whether I could forgive him or not.

(ps - thank you)

The earnings comments mean he has likely told some other people as a means of explaining why you don't work.

He has a knight in chaining armour complex that’s released he really is just a tosser in tinfoil.

A what you ordered vs what you got situation. A temu husband.

I'm not sure what your mother has to do with this, or why you think OP's husband is any different to your mother. He sounds remarkably similar to me. I'm really sorry for what you've been through

The reason your DH gave to his boss sounds reasonable. The reaction you overheard from his friend in the phone suggests that your DP didn’t make light of it. He has explained why he told his circle of friends. I also get why it might be important for your MIL to know (assuming you all get on well).

As we've just had Wimbledon - you cannot be serious?

I have a slightly different view on this to a lot of PP. I am only commenting in case a different perspective is helpful.

I have been raped and sexually assaulted (different men). I also have medical conditions.

To the best of my knowledge, DP has never shared that information so I sat and thought about how that would feel if he had. And I think I would feel humiliated that they’d all been talking me. And I’d feel even more humiliated to have been unaware that they had that knowledge about me. That information isn’t for my DP to share. It’s my life and my decision whether to tell people.

But, if my DP had shared the information in good faith, for what he believed were the right reasons, I’d forgive him. The reason your DH gave to his boss sounds reasonable. The reaction you overheard from his friend in the phone suggests that your DP didn’t make light of it. He has explained why he told his circle of friends. I also get why it might be important for your MIL to know (assuming you all get on well).

However, I’m going to contrast this to my DM.

She likes to use other people’s misfortunes to get attention for herself. For example, my DC are autistic (as am I) and she likes to tell everyone at the first opportunity - and I do mean at the first opportunity. She uses hushed tones and likes to explain how it means that she can’t be a proper grandmother to them but it’s ok. At this point she plasters on her brave smile.

DM does not know I was raped. DM does not get told any sensitive or secret stuff because she will absolutely use it as currency to make other people feel sorry for her. It’s infuriating.

So in your shoes OP, I’d think very hard about what your DH is like. That is a LOT of people he’s told. Do you think he genuinely told them in good faith to make sure no one made a clumsy comment around you? Or do you think he told them either as gossip or because he wanted them to feel sorry for him? For me, the why would make the difference on whether I forgave him or not. I’d be angry either way but I’d forgive the former - but not the latter.

But none of us are you, and however you feel is valid. These were your personal secrets and whatever his intent was, he didn’t have the right to share them without your knowledge.

On a separate note it sounds as if there’s some resentment on his part that he’s carrying the full responsibility of earning. I think you’re right re counselling - if you decide you want to continue your marriage, you both need counselling. If he refuses to go, that shows how committed he is to saving your marriage…

Finally OP, I just wanted to say that you’ve dealt with all of this with real dignity. Confronting B and the rest of them in the group chat and holding your head high is magnificent. Silly little boy has limped away with his tail between his legs. You may not feel like it right now, but you are incredibly strong.

Your husband refusing to leave and denying the reality that things aren't fine is him trying to undermine you. That was a whole lot of DARVO trying to get you to doubt yourself.

I agree with @Wherethedogsits about going to individual therapy.

And do you have family or friends that you can use to support you now?

I don’t agree that OP’s H was trying to help her. I think he blabbed to various people for selfish reasons. Who knows what they all were, but extra time off work, attention, being seen as some kind of “hero” and portraying OP as an unstable person whose wishes could be dismissed may all have been amongst his aims.

I said in an earlier post that OP’s H sounds worse with every update and sadly that trend is continuing.

OP, I really hope you can get away from him and his vile friends. He has betrayed you badly, yet he is minimising his actions and ignoring your wishes.

So not only has your ‘D’H been an absolute blabbermouth to all and sundry but he’s now calling you mental and criticising you for not working? Fuck me!
Telling everyone that stood still long enough to listen was bloody awful but his behaviour since is appalling! How can you ever look at him in the same light again?

I couldn't stay married to someone who called me "mental".

Op this is awful and I’m sorry. I’ve had emdr etc myself and I’ve never had to tell my boss about it or why. Your awful husband I think is controlling and abusive and you were picked precisely because of your past. How much easier it is to play big manly man and get sympathy or allowances from all and sundry with this crazy unstable wife in tow - but I can’t leave her because it’s not her fault. Pity me, look after me, look past my faults and issues because I’m trying my bestest to support this broken doll. Perfect set up for an abusive, controlling dickhead. Have you got any of your own family or friends to get support from irl? You need someone on your side that isn’t buying this narrative he’s been peddling.

I am so so sorry.
This thread is so upsetting.
You poor poor pet.

Please reach out to Rape crisis and Women's aid.

Your husband is abusive scum.
You need protecting from him.

I really think you need support.
Just when you think men on MN cannot get much worse, you read this.

When I said I was upset with him in the evening. He said I wouldn't understand because I've only worked for 3 months in my life (because of the assault and difficulties), he said some horrible things. That I'm mental etc.

It would be difficult to come back from most of the stuff that has gone on. Difficult but possible.

That I'm mental etc.
^ That isn't.

DH doesn't sound like your best friend. He sounds quite the reverse. The fact that he is telling you that everything is fine is almost as bad as the rest combined.
Is he stupid, is he blind, or he is controlling? Absolutely lacking in self awareness?
Counselling might work for you, OP, although with a man like that you will struggle as he also sounds manipulative. Take your time. Nothing needs to be decided today or tomorrow.
Shocking story all around and MN has been hopping with them this week!

Your dynamic with DH sounds like he is the Boss and your boundaries aren’t important in his eyes. From the start his comment alluding to B being someone who will protect you in the bar was gross and it’s got a whole lot worse since then.

He shares your secrets.
he refuses to leave when you tell him.
he won’t bother with counselling even when you’re on the verge of kicking him out.
he doesn’t see that you need to be part of a meeting where a group of men gather to discuss whether you have reacted correctly to this situation.

OP you are incredibly strong but i don’t think he can see that in you. He infantilises you. Perhaps there have been times this dynamic has worked for you (?) but, also, perhaps now it isn’t.

Does he see you as an equal partner? his comment about how you don’t understand because you don’t work is absurd. You are talking to a message board full of women who have careers and know that is bollocks.

You deserve better than this manipulative man who seems to think he is above you.

Just seen your latest.
You are so brave. Well done. You have absolutely not let this or anything else define you. You are an inspiration for us and for your kids - espiecially your daughter.
It might feel insurmountable right now but you have got this. You are going to get through this whatever you decide to do and you will be stronger for it for you. Not for anyone else.
You know you are right. If you can a second support thread might be a good idea just to move the replies from answering the original question to helping you move forward.