DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

You must be feeling like you’ve been hit by a ten ton truck right now. I cannot imagine having to face that level of betrayal from your DH. To have that discussed like it’s a bit of casual chat would hurt worse than being cheated on. And him saying he doesn’t want an argument is him telling you to shut up and not question him. He should be on his knees begging for forgiveness.

apparently he told them because they were at our house making jokes in poor taste. And he'd said to stop as I was upstairs and then he told them the trauma Wow. So disgusting jokes are ok with him, unless you’re within earshot? And then it’s not a case of telling them he doesn’t want them joking like that where you can hear, but there has to be an excuse of why he’s telling them to stop? He then said he'd told for support for him, but got defensive when I asked when/why Was support from his inner circle (what a wanky turn of phrase) not enough? He’s getting defensive because none of what he is saying is making sense. He’s a liar. A pathetic, disloyal weasel of a man.

So he’s agreed to meet up with his friends, making sure that their comfort is a priority, to discuss whether B’s disgusting behaviour is something he (and by extension, you) should just get over so they can all carry on going to the carvery without it being awkward? Why the fuck are they not telling B that he’s vile and out of the group? What the fuck is your husband doing even entertaining the idea of discussing whether or not this can be got over? What happens if he decides it can? Will you be expected to get over it too? Welcome B back into your home?

This is far, far less about what happened to you and more about smoothing over the friendship group (which sounds weirdly intertwined and toxic). It’s almost like what happened to you is completely irrelevant, it’s all about making sure that your husband forgives B so they can carry on as before. Your opinion and your feelings are completely irrelevant. This would be a deal breaker for me. I know you’ve got small children but this would make me view husband with utter contempt. I’m furious for you.

He needs better friends. Why should he have to disclose your trauma for his friends to think making inappropriate jokes is unacceptable?

And why were they making such jokes knowing his female partner was in the house FFS?

So his friends don't like women.
Now they know about your trauma, one of them (at least) views it as a free pass to grill you about your sex life.
Whilst believing this is ok as he was there. Making you feel safe. 🙄

They all sound vile and thick as shit.

I can imagine them making vile comments then claiming you only got upset because of your trauma.

Get away from all of these fuckwits. Partner included.

Your DH is not much of a ‘Darling is he?
He has crossed a boundary and betrayed your confidence in the worst possible way. He had no business telling his friends about what you have been through, His friends sound weird. To keep on wanting to discuss it and questioning you about it makes me think they are getting some kind of kick out of it. If they’re the type that make sleazy jokes then this will probably feed into their sleazy way of thinking. Ugh if I were married to your husband I would be divorcing him. How can you trust him now? He is a blabbermouth who doesn’t respect your privacy.

You need to have an agreed stance with your dh, and be in complete alignment before messaging them if you choose to, or your dh will completely undermine any power or authority your message might carry - and will cause more harm.

You shouldn’t need to send a message. Your dh should be taking control of this by telling them in no uncertain terms a line has been crossed, and the friendship is over.

B needs to see there are consequences to predatory behaviour.

Asking you if you enjoyed sex more or less after being raped actually made me feel truly sick op. It is beyond appalling.

How on earth can your dh ever come back from that? You are his wife!!

@UncommonFishwife I totally agree with your thoughts.
Your husband owes you an apology but I wouldn't accept one from B. Weirdo.
I'm not sure of your ages but I think you said early 30s? My son is 27 and this behaviour would not be tolerated in his friends.

Do not be ashamed. I'm freer for telling my best friend what happened to me but it's my story to tell. Have strength OP. We have your back.

I’m not convinced that your DH is the bad guy here tbh @Anon8761 I can fully understand why you’re hurt by his actions but in his defence your trauma has become part of his trauma and as such he has the right to discuss it with his friends. I had cancer and I know my husband worries about my health and our future as a result. I would never expect him to not tell friends that I had cancer though, as he may need that context to discuss his feelings. We as a society have so many men NOT discussing things that actually I find it quite refreshing your DHs group are wanting to thrash this out and talk- and to me the “issue” discussed is not you but B and the future of the group if B and your DH don’t speak anymore.

I would ask your DH to state at the meeting that whilst he appreciates some of his friends have been a support to him, he is disgusted by Bs use of this topic to be so insensitive and crass towards you. That moving forward the situation that occurred to you is NOT up for discussion. He may talk about his own feelings about it and get support from them if needed but your experience is not a topic of chat. He needs to discuss with his friends how they would feel if B questioned their wives about their sex life and wtf he was doing in that situation being such a creep. Ultimately if he is normally a creepy fuck who is not apologetic and mortified by his behaviour and the subsequent fallout, then surely the group will see they are all better off without him. If they don’t and your DH still feels he cannot maintain a friendship, then he can walk away or no longer be part of the larger group but perhaps maintain some individual friendships.
Bottom line, he needs to draw a boundary about his discussions and support for his feelings and your lived experience. The former is fine for him to discuss with friends but not the latter. And they can stay in their lane and discuss neither out with the group.

No, don’t message them all. Not because of how it will look, or whether they’ll dub you “crazy” - but because they don’t deserve your engagement. None of this was any of their business in the first place, and your husband let you down by telling them. But now he needs to step up.

The only “discussion” here should be a one-way one between your husband and his so-called friends. He needs to tell them that he shouldn’t have told them, but since he did, it was unforgivable for B to bring it up with you - and there’s no further discussion to be had. They can either accept that or decide the friendship is over.

Dies your DH understand that discussing these things can be a form of titillation for some men? Can he self reflect about why he feels the need to discuss it himself?

if they were talking about rape/sexual assault he could have just shut the conversation down as inappropriate full stop. Why did he think they needed to know the details of your experience?

having these men in your home discussing you is inappropriate whether you are there or not. Your trauma is not relevant to the fallout ultimately - B behaved badly - does discussing your rape change that? It’s nuts that they think you are a subject of this discussion at all

your DH needs a wake up call - his behaviour has been deeply inappropriate

All of this.

Your dh has a choice to make. One he should have made years ago when he learnt the true cost of rape. My heart is going out to you.

B had no right at all to speak to you about this, he had no right to persist even when it was clearly upsetting you. You can not have him anywhere near you again (or your children if you have any) you know who he is, and he is not a good person.

Your dh now needs to move mountains to look after you. I hope he steps up and repairs this quickly by acknowledging and apologising for the disclosure he made, and by distancing himself immediately from these men. They are not friends.

Your updates this morning are even worse OP.

I don’t say this lightly, but this is marriage shaking. I can’t believe your DH doesn’t realise that.

I have been with my DH since I was 18 and over the years have had a few unpleasant things happen to me. Nothing even remotely close to what you’ve been through. But there is no way that my DH would gossip about me like this with his friends. Absolutely no way.

It is frankly disgusting that he told anyone in the first place, even more disgusting that he thinks it is even vaguely appropriate to continue discussing it over text and to have a “meeting” to discuss it even further.

I would honestly tell him to pack his things if he doesn’t shut this shit down immediately. And even then, I think we would require quite a bit of couples therapy to work through his betrayal with the knowledge that we might not get through it.

Not convinced your husband really does have your back.

I'm so sorry OP, but I have to agree with this. There is something really off with these men. I think you need to put your foot down with your DH, they meet at your house, with you there, and get the fuck over their 'discomfort', if that's what you want of course. I'm not sure I could (or even want to) forgive my husband for this though, I'd be looking at him very differently.

Look, I can see how your husband confided in his friends - people he's known a long time and he believed he could trust. It's not like he was chatting about it to some bloke in the pub.

Do I think he should? No but I can also see how people make errors of judgement that have esswntially come from a good place.

None of the others should be discussing it. Your husband has made his position quite clear on this and they want to strongarm him into changing it.

The reality is that your husband doesn't want to meet and discuss it but, without him there, they are going to discuss it anyway. At least, if he is there, he can advocate for you.

In his shoes, I'd definitely he cutting B off and, sadly for him, the rest of them too for their reaction to it.

What an appalling situation that just proves again that men have no fucking clue.

I actually think people give the husband too much credit. It sounds like he enjoys talking about this with his friends, which is not normal!!!!!!! It's fucking weird and I wouldn't be surprised if he was also a pervert or at best enjoying all the drama and making himself look like the hero "saviour" of his wife. There's something very wrong with the husband.

This.

@Anon8761 do you feel you could show your husband this thread? See the view of others on B's behaviour and now the behaviour of your husband's friendship group with the impact on you?

This is horrible for you. 🤗💐

DH has betrayed you once by telling friends about your ordeal. If he continues with this friendship group it will be a second betrayal. They all sound very immature and clearly all care more about their gossipy meet ups than your feelings. I’d worry what else they discuss - I bet they all talk about their sex lives. Vile.

A bright light is now shining on this group, and as a result your husband’s character.

You are just about to see who your dh is - and the moral fibre of the whole group.

Will dh reflect on who they actually are? They are in fact currently protecting a predatory male’s feelings which is entirely unacceptable. Or are they going to call out B’s terrible actions and no longer welcome him? Would any of dh ‘friends’ put up with this if it was their wives? I doubt it very much.

Your dh needs to find his back bone, and fast.

This absolutely needs to be the hill dh dies on, if he wishes to retain the respect and relationship with his wife.

I actually don't think your husband discussing this with his friends in the Frist place is all that terrible. We all share things with our friends and maybe he too needed some support with what you went through and continue to be affected by.

But his friend is absolutely terrible. What an horrible thing to do and say to you. Your husband is right to not want to speak to him ever again. In fact the whole friend groups should shun him. I wouldn't have him in my house if I were you.

Your husband sounds like a good guy who made a poor judgement call in haste. His friend is a predator and a pervert and your DH knows this which is why he doesn't want anything to do with him again. I would say to your DH that you oppose the meeting absolutely and that's that.

@Anon8761 When this thread started you and DH sounded like a team, with him furious on your behalf and sticking up for you, and you had faith in him doing that. The outcome seemed likely to be that he would dump the friend/friends.

But now (possibly since posters on here have been laying into DH?) the narrative has changed and you describe being angry with DH and him getting defensive and talking about wanting to ‘salvage’ some of the friendship.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to be angry with DH. But try to keep it to one side for now while you deal with the friendship issue.m as a united front. He is more likely to be strong and cut ties with B while he feels that burning loyalty to you and sense that you are right and B is wrong. If you start blaming him too, all of a sudden he is fighting on two fronts, splitting his energy and loyalties trying to defend himself too.

I think you should return to the issue of your disappointment with DH AFTER the situation with the friends has moved on (and while I 100% understand why the you want to be invited to any ‘meeting’ - I think it would be a horrible experience for you and the damage has already been done really.) Send a letter (like a victim impact statement) to the group if you feel that would help get your voice heard. Husband doesn’t need to take part in any further discussion though because his mind is made up surely?

There's no need for this meeting because there shouldn't be anything to discuss. B is a sick misogynist pervert, your husband needs to cut him out forever and if the rest of the group do not do this, then they go too. That's all.

Your husband is absolutely in the wrong too. Your story is yours to tell and your trauma yours to share, with people you trust. Not with a bunch of men, at least one of which is a twisted invididual. If your husband cannot see that, then he is also not to be trusted.

I'm so sorry, OP. It's a horrible situation.

I'm so sorry @Anon8761 B acted like an absolute AH. Clearly has no filter, retaumatised you etc. Wtf.

Your DH discussing this with multiple friends too, words fail me.

Your DH is right to cut B out.

Naive of you to think the reason DH wanting to exclude B won't be a major topic of discussion in a meeting that's being held precisely to discuss DH wanting to exclude B.

In addition B has already shown clear form of being exactly the kind of manipulative self-serving scumbag that will deny it. The likelihood in that scenario is DH then bringing forth a whole slew of repetition of what B said, and B then denying each count because OP's husband wasn't present so B will think he can get away with it.

Whole thing stinks.