DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

Blimey you set a low bar.

PS if he hasn't already seen it, I'd highly recommend that your DH and his 'friends' watch X by Daniel Sloss, to understand how easy it is for a group of men to enable a predatory man whose behaviour eventually escalated to rape.

It is time for your husband to grow up op.

WTAF Op i am so sorry you have had such awful dealings with vile men, Your husband included. He has broken your trust by telling those guys about what happened to you. Let them have their meeting and you go off and find a great life and leave them to their little boys club. Your husband does not have your back.

I’m not convinced that your DH is the bad guy here tbh @Anon8761 I can fully understand why you’re hurt by his actions but in his defence your trauma has become part of his trauma and as such he has the right to discuss it with his friends.

I'm not convinced that he's the bad guy either but this isn't why he shared it.

He shared it because they were making inappropriate comments and jokes and he wanted them to stop.

I think it's quite likely that he thought if he brought it closer to home and made it relevant to them by associating it with a real life person and someone they know and care about, that it would hit home harder.

I once called a male friend out in a mixed friendship group who made a pretty tame 'joke' about sexual assault.

I stopped him.and pointed out that, given the statistics are 1/4 women have been sexually assualted/raped, and there were 8 women present, statistically, at least 2 of us had been raped and that it was probably wise to refrain from making jokes like that.

He apologised and later approached me on a different occasion to apologise again, say that he hadn't ever actually considered it in relation to women he knew (after all, it's never someone you know on either side, is it?) And that not only would he never make a joke like that again, but he'd since challenged other men who did.

It would be easy to say men should just realise but they don't because it's not their world. For most men, it's something that happens on the news. Not something that happens to women they know.

Sometimes, they need to hear it.

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the OP's husband's friends have revealed their true colours and those colours are murky

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. All of it.

Your husband discussing your past with a whole group of people. Even his reason for it stinks- that his mates were making jokes in bad taste. The fact they like rape jokes and rhe only reason he told them to knock it off was because he didn't want you to hear - not because he doesn't like that kind of joke, is gross. It's telling what kind of people they all are that he couldn't just say 'wtf that's not funny' or even 'my wife's upstairs', wouldn't have been enough to stop then.

I can't believe he has agreed to any kind of meet up. How on earth would someone hitting on your wife / getting off on the details of her rape, be sorted out or explained away? By a heartfelt apology? By a 'I was drunk' excuse? Nothing can excuse the fact that the friend has been exposed as a creep. And the group would like to ignore the fact he is a creep so that they can pretend everything is fine when they meet.

And they don't want the meet up to discuss you, with you around, in case YOU make THEM uncomfortable, even though it's about one of them making you uncomfortable? That is all kinds of fucked up.

I'm sorry that your husband is being so awful about it as well.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, OP.

The focus needs to be on your DH's betrayal. He needs to earn your trust once again. That means he can't go to their ridiculous intervention. If he can't see this then you have a bigger problem.

I can sort of understand why your DH told these people and I even have some sympathy for him in discussing it with old friends and probably feeling like he needed that support.

Wtaf. One of my best friends was raped. I have never told anyone.

It’s not something you share with anyone ever, it’s no-one’s story to tell but the survivor.

all your husband needed to say on
the first occasion was something like ‘pack it in lads,

No need to add the wife doesn't like it. Decent men don't either.

Op if you have someone close to you in real life, please call them.

You are not just dealing with a predatory male in the bar digging away at the most painful part of your history, or the culture of a group of men that think it’s funny to hurt and harm women.

You are dealing with the man you loved and trusted most breaching your confidence without your consent, he has continued to remain friends with them even knowing who they are - and now seems to be prioritising their ‘comfort’ over your pain and safety. This is not small stuff. For many women it would be a deal breaker, and it might be for you when the shock wears off.

Please contact someone you trust, and tell them what has happened.

Hi Anon8761. First of all - I am sending you a hug & thinking of you in your recovery.😘....I personally would tell your husband to please cancel any get-together with his group (at your house) discussing your trauma. It is very inappropriate for your husband to have ever said anything about you without your permission & quite frankly it is none of anyones business to know your personal matters. Take care of yourself from, Kiwi Grandma.😘@Anon8761

Wow… He’s worried you’ll make THEM uncomfortable. This is absolutely a DH problem and I don’t know if I could come back from that. My DH confided in one of his friends who also weaponised her knowledge and we very nearly broke up. I have made it very clear what that betrayal did to me.

I would be very clear OP B is out of DH’s life full stop.

And if DH goes to this meeting DH may be out of your life too.

There was no reason for DH to tell them what happened to you to get them to stop, and anyone who is friends with men sitting around making rape jokes is not worth any woman’s time.

This is so awful, I don’t actually have words just wanted to offer you support (digitally.)

I think B’s behaviour is disgusting almost like he got off on hearing about it. But your husband should never have disclosed anything like that either (no matter the context.) I don’t care if the friends feel uncomfortable but wonder if it would make things worse for you being there.

DH said of course, he even said he was happy friend (B) was there as if I became anxious or anything, he'd have my back. Sort of 'B is one of my people.. he'll look after you!'

I've worked immensely hard with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties. So, with that in mind DH was happy B was there.

You husband is an absolute shithead.

I see this as two completely separate issues, which n eed to be dealt with separately:

I can sort of understand why your DH told these people and I even have some sympathy for him in discussing it with old friends and probably feeling like he needed that support. BUT, it was, nonetheless, a massive betrayal of your trust and you have every right to be upset about it. I would hope you could move past it by seeing either other's perspective and him taking accountability.

The second issue is that there is a man, who, knowing about what happened to you, has chosen to talk about it publicly to you, and in front of other people. Who has asked deeply inappropriate and personal questions to you, again, in front of other people. And whose friendship group seems to think has done nothing wrong. I wouldn't have anything to do with him ever again no matter what, but I'm kind of horrified that he is not BEGGGING for forgiveness and that his friends aren't rallying around telling him he's behaved appallingly. Your DH is not obligated to ever see or speak to this man again and if his so-called friends are trying to insist that he does, he should see that as a massive red flag. No sensible, rational person would think what this friend did is acceptable. Ever.

all
your husband needed to say on
the first occasion was something like ‘pack it in lads, wife really doesn’t like that sort of talk’. It was ( and still is) your history, your story. It isn’t his and he had no fucking right to share it with his mates. The pervert is a pervert. Full stop. Don’t give him any more head room. Personally though I don’t think you can trust your husband and I’d question why he needed to disclose the whole story. And why are these men planning intervention type meetings? So bloody weird, just go out for a few beers and watch the football ffs

@Anon8761honestly there's only one solution to this.
Your DH has betrayed your trust with the whole group. B has taken that further (much too far) in that unforgiveable conversation with you.
DH has nothing more to do with him ever again - non negotiable.
The group either accepts that and excludes B or your DH leaves the group. Again non negotiable.
And if B is excluded and DH stays the topic is 100% off limits for ever. B is not part of that conversation, there is no possible justification for his behaviour.
Those are the options. Sod any of them feeling uncomfortable. If you want the meeting in your house for that discussion and to be there that's your call.
This is basically your DH's fault and he is entirely responsible for the consequences. No excuses.
Take care of yourself, so sorry you're having to deal with this.

Absolutely not. How dare they ?They all know too much already. Tough luck if it’s awkward, their friend acted badly. It’s him they should be angry with. Also you can bet the ‘inner circle’ have told their wives etc.

You don't need a face to face meeting to tell people to fuck off..by text os fine.
I'd be sending dh with them..
He isn't a good guy imo.

This 100%
Your husband and his pals are definitely thick as shit and frankly quite vile!

With due respect, cancer is not rape, and he had ZERO 'need' to tell 7 men without one mention to OP.

OP should not have to tell her husband this.

Of the few people she has shared this trauma with, we have to assume he is one of them. So he would know how traumatic this was and that it is not an open topic for conversations while drinking with the guys.

I just could not let this go. Any trust would be absolutely broken for me.

The group seem extremely concerned about their carvery meet ups rather than the fact B is a weirdo fucking creep who at best hits on other people's wives and at worst asks if rape made them enjoy sex more or less

This is exactly what you should say to them all in front of your Husband

Fucking LOVE that your husbamd wouldnt want THEM to be uncomfortable but gives ZERO fucks about you being incredibly uncomfortable abiut the fact you have no seat at the table and are left looking after the children waiting - how comfortable is that for you?

My 2p arrange childcare without discussing with your DH and go with him to whatever stupid fucking carvery/ man cave location they pick and once they have all had their say look them in the eye - say the above and ask them to think about the fact it'll could be their wives next time.

You DH is an absolute fucker though. Just an utter failure of a man.
He chooses:

• to hang out the men who make multiple rape jokes and think its fine.

• who seemingly can ONLY be stopped making vile comments by him disclosing deeply perosnal information about you . He could have said a thousand things but no....
• to prioritise their comfort over yours STILL.
• is lying to you and just wants you to shut up so this can go away.

The only reason he so quickly said he'd bin off B is to shut this down and make it go away... but I guarantee he will still be calling about with B and those other scummy blokes because ultimately his needs are being met so 👍

So sorry this happened to you. What a horrible continied betrayal by your husband 🫂

The husband disclosed this to stop the friends telling rape jokes.. A decent man would have just said rape jokes are unacceptable. Full stop.

Your situation is nothing like this. Your minimising of the appalling behaviour of all of these men is appalling