DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

This is a good point, there was no need to say anything. Just ‘guys this is going too far!’ And change the subject.

I am, yet again, horrified by the actions of men. I’m so sorry, OP for what happened to you and for discovering that your husband and his friends are not who you thought they were.
What this man did is absolutely disgusting. He is a pervert, someone who gets his kicks in the worst possible ways - he is not to be trusted. The fact that your husband hasn’t immediately shut this down and unequivocally cut this cancer out of his life says it all, I’m afraid. We all know what these ‘men’ are like when they’re together.

I agree with other posters who’ve said to keep there issues separate, stick to a united front with your husband against the friends and then deal with your issues with your husband separately. Threads like this get lots of angry responses, rightfully, but it’s becoming like Chinese whispers! People are commenting and running with the friends making rape jokes, where this is never what was said in the op.

Keep your head clear, B is the person you and your husband have an issue with. The other friends need to know what his behaviour was like and how that made you feel. Then you can speak to your husband about how this has all made you feel and what you need from him going forward.

Agreed on all fronts.

DH is worrying about his friendship with B and the group. He should be worrying about his marriage.

You are married to Judas himself. I'm so sorry your husband is such a terrible gossip. He could have stopped that conversation without revealing your deeply personal and traumatic experience. There has to be some things a spouse doesn't divulge to anyone, bar a therapist or a wall.

And a roundtable with friends he told your secret, to find a way forward as friends? Just no! B is a pervert who weaponised what your husband shared about you, and should be gone from your husband's life.
He saw your vulnerability and trampled all over it. Even others could see your discomfort, while he was relishing it.
How can Judas justify maintaining that friendship? That would be an added betrayal ☹️.

Ugh perish the thought they’d feel uncomfortable!!!!

Can you get childcare, and take a good friend and attend this pow wow? Ask B directly what he thought he was doing with his questions? Call him out? Perhaps let the wife or girlfriend know he saw fit to do this?

This kind of casual misogyny whereby men sit back and don’t own behaviour needs addressing every single time. If they don’t call it out, they are complicit.

Sorry, I asked why your H told them without reading this.

He could have just told them to stop because it’s not appropriate full stop rather than pinning it on your fragility.

You are a bloody warrior. To get through all of that. Don’t let these men make this about your fragility and trauma.

“with EMDR therapy to try and overcome my difficulties”

Can I gently, kindly and with love, rewrite this sentence for you;

’I have utilised EMDR therapy to overcome the horrendous mental injuries inflicted by the trauma I experienced’

They are not ‘your difficulties’ - nothing wrong with you - your brain and body just reacted as lots of brains and bodies would, to something horrific. You are stronger than many, having been through all that and working hard to build extra skills, knowledge and peace around the consequences. You are AMAZING!

Find that strong part of you now and don’t let these men ride roughshod over your needs, wishes and wants. 💪

Your DH does not seem to understand that these ‘Bros’ have had a bonding session, thanks to him, based on metaphorically stripping you naked and traducing you in front of them. Some (most?) of them will have been very interested shall we say.

And, if he related your rape to them in order to, as he said, get them to shut up with their other sexual ‘joking’, he should have realised the types he was telling.

I believe, like a couple of other posters, that he is so in with them, and so under their peer pressure, like an adolescent, that he has mainly been thoughtless. But it was a really stupid thing to tell this gang, and a worry is that it is not at all clear he even understands now the gravity and implications of what he did.

As for the ‘Bro’ B, he effectively carried out a form of rape in public and no doubt been thinking about you a lot, and not in a nice way. It is not surprising you feel very angry and upset, and no one should make you dismiss this or try to diminish it.

Yes. I’ve never said LTB, apart from in jest on here, but I think this is marriage-ending, OP. It would be for me. (I was ten when it happened, but I’m not sure that makes all that much difference.) Your husband is more concerned with his misogynistic lads’ carvery than with your brave and commendable attempts to come to terms with your rape.

Your DH & his friends sound like a proper set of jumped up tossers and like fk i'd care if I made them uncomfortable. Stop giving DH all the power in a situation that is ultimately about YOU

Agreed. Even if the husband needed support, that does not take priority over his wife’s confidentiality. If he wanted to talk to a friend, he needed her consent first. That’s non-negotiable.

I would be livid if my partner had discussed something so traumatic happening to me with his friends. What the actual fuck was your husband thinking? I'd feel utterly betrayed.

His friends are incredibly inappropriate and weird as well.

I'd be very uncomfortable in your shoes. Sorry you're living like that and for what you've been through.

It's a huge betrayal. You do not have to engage with any 'discussions'. The question is, why is your husband not coming down hard on his friends? At best, he is naïve. At worst, he is putting maintenance of his social group above you. He comes across as conciliatory towards everyone but you.

I think, on balance, the anger you are feeling needs to be used to make it very clear that his actions now are going to impact on the future of your relationship. He needs to make good choices.

Your DH is appalling and just as much at fault as B. He's used your devastating ordeal as gossip currency with his mates. I don't believe he told them so they could "support him", he told them for some kind of warped bragging rights.

I think you need to issue him with a blanket ban of ever discussing it again with anyone but you. As a rape victim, you have the right to lifelong anonymity and he's breached that without your permission. That is despicable.

As for the meeting, they can get to fuck if they think it's appropriate for them to sit round discussing you in ANY context. B behaved horrendously, because it sounds like he was asking questions for his personal titillation and was getting off on it. You should never allow yourself to be in the same room as him and you should make it clear to your DH that if he tries to rescue the friendship, it will be unforgivable.

This. Your DH sounds like he had the right intentions but honestly, what jokes were they making if it would likely trigger something from a trauma perspective for you? If he isnt in the sort of friendship group where he can call out those sort of jokes and challenge them in some way, without using your trauma as the reason, i think there is a lot wrong with his friends and their conversations. Whats wrong with "that's vile, what's wrong with you mate?" Or "I don't find that funny". Someone said above that his friends failed the maturity test and that's right, but at 30 (not 20) this is more about a good human test, and men need to stop being given allowances for such stunted emotional capacity

He was clearly getting off on making you feel uncomfortable. Trying to control the conversation for his cheap thrill. I wouldn’t even want to give them any more air time. Classic blaming the woman for their discomfort too when they caused it. Tell them to sling their hook and your husband needs to grow a pair too.

B is a creepy pervert and your DH is a strange bloke. I'll dump the whole lot of them.

I also agree with this. If all this is real. I apologise to the OP in advance if it is. However to people posting on this thread in good faith please be very careful what you say. It could be someone trying to get off on this awful crime. This has happened in the past on MN. Again apologies if this is genuine.

Right.

Can we be absolutely fucking clear that if you know someone who has been raped it is not your story to tell full stop. No ifs or buts.

There is no reason why DH couldn’t have spoken in general terms like you did. No reason to make it personal. That was a betrayal of trust.

And now he’s made it worse.

I think you’re putting a lot of energy into excusing an unforgivable decision by the OP’s DH. Can you not see the difference between telling a close friend you’re struggling to support a spouse trying to come to terms with rape, where the emphasis is on how they can support you as you try to support in your turn, and breaching your wife’s privacy with a seven-strong group of lads because they are making rape jokes in your house, and putting one of them in a position where he can retraumatise the rape survivor (who hasn’t even told her own friends) by sexualising her rape???

The meeting sounds warped. What is there to discuss? I would insist your DH does not attend the discussion. It can’t go ahead.

How about next Saturday he suggests they meet to discuss Mike’s wife and the fact she’s sensitive about being overweight? And the following week they can have a jolly old get together and talk about John’s wife who is struggling with infertility. Who are they to discuss you????

I’ve never heard anything so fucking strange.

It sounds appalling but I think it sounds like they’re meeting to find out what B said to you and to get off on it.

But yes, your DH has caused all this for blabbing about something so unbelievably sensitive to 7 people. Very odd.

I am so sorry this and the original trauma happened OP.

I want to just say how amazing and strong you are for working through the VERY natural consequences of what happened to you.

I would not want that man or any of his enablers and apologisers anywhere near me.

Why did your husband tell them all? My ex used to do this. He would tell people about my stuff so he could tell everyone how ‘supportive’ he’d been. It was all about him. Why did he talk about something so personal to you with them?

Unfortunately, on this occasion, the OP's husband's friends have revealed their true colours and those colours are murky

As are the husband's.