DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I'm not sure why you'd want to tell your MIL? Confide in a friend, by all means, but telling your MIL just makes it seem like you're telling on DH to his mummy, and for what? In the hopes that she'll scold him into listening to you? He's a grown man. If he won't listen to what you say, then he's not worth it.

As for the meeting, I think it's a bad idea personally, and you'll regret putting yourself and your trauma on display in front of a group of men who all have each others' backs, and are more likely to get off on it than understand your position.

I think you're best to take a big step back from it all, and think about what you need from your DH. His friends seem like a write off.

Your main problem is your DH and not B. B is a sex creep. That's very clear. And your DH should have nothing further to do with B. Your husband has betrayed your trust with graphic detail of your personal trauma.

The very idea that a bunch of men think it's ok to have a meeting to discuss how to get beyond the fact that B is a pervert in order to preserve their friendship group is shocking. That your husband is going along with this is no surprise since he saw fit to divulge very intimate details about you to his friends.

This is what I don't get, B is clearly a weirdo/pervert, what sort of men want to hang out with him. You can judge people by the company they keep.

You have a DH problem.
i can’t imagine anyone decent gossiping about a. Incident as traumatic and serious as this to friends

OP, re this 'meeting', the only people who should be discussing what happened to you in a group setting, even in passing, are those you choose to tell or trained professionals.

I think you sound very strong and very level-headed - these men are not, B is sick IMO and the rest of them turning it into some sort of soap opera where the survival of their pathetic 'group' friendship requires a meeting

One thing though, how you and your husband deal with the fact he divulged something so private should be kept separate from the foul behaviour of B and is between you and your DH...otherwise, before you know it, 'the group' will be discussing your relationship and which conveniently diverts from 'B's behaviour....I've seen it happen in these situations.

Your husband is an absolute dickhead for discussing your trauma with his mates!

his mates all sound like immature weirdos.

I'm sorry about what happened to you OP and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with shit now xx

A meeting with the inner circle? Are they a cult?

This. I'm not sure a group chat would ever resolve this, just lead to further arguments and may be more trauma for you.

Your H needs to shut it down immediately- not have them all in group chats over this.

I'm furious with your H on your behalf.

Haven’t read the full thread.

I’m so so sorry this ‘friend’ did that to you. He took away all your choice and control by asking those questions which is often one of the worst things that happen to a trauma victim. And of course is also what would’ve happened when the original traumatic event happened which I’m also so sorry to hear about.

The ‘friend’ sounds really twisted; like he took some kind of pleasure out of this conversation (or at best he seriously lacks empathy).

In terms of everyone discussing things - wtaf? It does not matter in the slightest if you being there during the discussion makes any of them uncomfortable. None of that matters compared to what you have been through and are still going through. I think it’s up to you what happens - at least this gives you back some control regarding how this plays out but please do not feel coerced or rushed into making any decisions here. Of course you can’t control what people talk about when you’re not there but if you’d rather DH continues to cut the ‘friend’ off and doesn’t discuss things further with him, that is also well within your rights. Don’t let them take the power/control away from you.

It sounds to me like B has already been working very hard behind the scenes to build support from the group.

The meeting sounds like each party has the opportunity to put forward their side, almost like a sales pitch. It is entirely inappropriate.

How can your husband possibly think this is in your best interests op?

You sound uncertain as to whether dh will choose you or his friends - is that the problem here?

Because you shouldn’t even need to spell out to dh how unwelcome they now are in your life, he should already know, and should have taken steps to leave this group the minute it was clear they would be standing by B. The situation is untenable.

Exactly.

As if it wasn’t bad enough that OP’s sexual trauma became the subject of discussion once; DH is proposing a second round.

I’m so sorry OP, but I think your MIL probably already knows. If your DH told all his mates, then he probably told her too.

If she is someone you feel could provide support, then by all means discuss it with her. However, she is likely to take DH’s side.

Personally, I don’t think you should go. You don’t need to give your version of events. You don’t need to explain yourself to a group of misogynists. Whatever you say will make no difference anyway. They don’t care how you feel. I worry that going would be more traumatic for you.

I think you need to focus on your DH and your marriage at this point, not his friends. This will be very difficult to come back from.

My problem wouldn't be with B- it would be with DH telling the whole group about your experience without asking you if that would be ok- it is not his story to tell and not his decision to tell it.
An experience like this will always attract purient interest from some people, and it is very difficult to tell who those people will be beforehand- so there should be an absolute ban on your DH telling ANYONE about YOUR experiences.
He knows he shouldn't have told them, because he couldn't face telling you he'd done it- there is your problem, you need to have a serious talk, this for me could easily be a divorce inducing incident.

I would send thread to MIL, friend and your DH in a joint message. I would then tell DH to sling his hook. How can you possibly want to stay with him after all this? He cannot be trusted.

Why does your husband want to be friends with any of them?

Presumably he has heard them "joke" like this before?

It was unacceptable this time because Op might overhear?
(and was referencing her trauma??)

I mean wtf?

I feel that your DH has had your back in all of this and he didn’t even want this meeting but his friends keep insisting - however he should still say no that’s the end of the friendship and list all the things that vile creep said to you.

im torn with you being mad at your DH like a lot of posters are saying re him telling them in the first place…

if he confided in a friend it’s no different to women talking to each other and I wouldn’t be as mad HOWEVER it sounds like he told the whole group everything and that’s just not on - and he did it as a reason to stop them telling inappropriate rape jokes? That’s just disgusting behaviour.

I’m so sorry about your experience.

There doesn’t need to be any meeting. Your husband has cut off B as a friend. End of. It’s up to his mates how they deal with the fall out of that. Thats nothing to do with husband or you. Yeah your husband may not be invited to as many group activities but that’s your husbands fault he shouldn’t have told them. But to be fair your husband shouldn’t want to hang out with others who want to still be friends with B.

Although I don’t think husband “has your back” he didn’t need to tell everyone. It wasn’t his experience to tell anyone. He should have just said stop making inappropriate comments. No need for a reason. I get others saying your husband needs to pick his friends better but it does sound to me like they are all the same. My husband’s friends (nor my husband) wouldn’t make such lewd comments.

But yeah if you want to trust your husband again and feel comfortable in the company of his friends (and wives as these husbands will have told their wives) he needs a whole new set of them in my opinion.

I don't know if anyone has asked this already, but do all the 'inner circle' of men have wives?

It just seems that all the men are trying to 'get past' the 'issue', so that their friendship group can continue as before.

They're not concerned about you or your feelings, or how devastating the consequences of B's actions actually are for you?

It sounds like the men are planning a private chat to clear the air, so your H would get either an excuse or an apology from B, and that'll be the end of it as far as they're concerned?

I'd actually be phoning their wives/partners to ask them to attend the meeting too? And I'd be attending as well.

Why the bloody hell should the men get to meet and decide anything at all ffs?

Let all the wives/partners know what kind of 'men' they are in a marriage/relationship with. Let the wives/partners make sure that this is never, ever just swept under the carpet.

If the wives know, you'll get their support and they'll make damned sure that the men are told exactly how fucked up their 'priorities' are! I'm sure they'll be outraged on your behalf!

Otherwise, every drink, BBQ, party or get-together forever after would be the men all chummy again, because that's their 'priority' ,the women clueless about what has happened, and YOU, in a weird no-mans land of trying to be 'normal' after the massive betrayal from your H and the weird/perverted experience you endured from his 'friend' B, and coping, alone, with having to continue to socialise with the group of men.
Fuck that shit !

This. All of this.

They aren't scared - they're embarrassed and know they'll be squirming in their seats if you ask them to their faces why they are friends with a pervert.

OP I'm just worried that you being present at the meeting will be traumatic too. Why put yourself through that? I hope you read @WahWahWahs 's post, because that seems a dignified and pragmatic response that also protects you and your privacy.

No meeting. No more discussions about you, it is only your business.

I'd be beyond livid with your bloody husband, stupid man.

That friend from the bar is deeply weird, sounds like an abuser himself frankly, needs chopping out and the other friends need to suck it up. End of.

Your husband really has created this situation and now wants to discuss it further despite the fact that this is what created the issue.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

I've lived through ongoing trauma too and EMDR was massively helpful. Xx

With kindness I am going to gently and quietly shout at you now;

YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE.

If anyone thinks you are being unreasonable then that is very much a ‘them’ problem.

Nothing about what these men are doing is respectful of you. YOU are the only person that should be making any decisions about what happens next.

I think your trauma is at the centre of this so I think they should all, for once, actually allow you to be centred in this. I think they mean they won’t feel able to speak openly for fear of making you upset… but that’s exactly what they haven’t focused on. How discussing this event affects you. I think your husband should back you however you prefer to deal with it.

Bless you OP. Honestly what happened to you with them is absolutely atrocious. Stand your ground and let your voice heard, even if it shakes. 💐