DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

I would expect DH to never see the abusive pervert B again. If that means ditching the whole group, then so be it.
Your DH is disgusting for sharing your tauma with his friends and not even letting you know.
I think this would end my marriage - it would be very traumatic for me.
Bastards.

Only read OP but I would seriously be looking at the marriage differently and considering the future.
Does h really have your back if he is discussing such personal things? B sounds like a pervert but h isn't covered in glory either. He wants to stay with the pervert group that was discussing you? No, I'd be done with him completely.
A decent man who really loves you wouldn't be telling others about your private business.

Send your dh the entire thread op. If he hasn’t understood the gravity of this already, he will after reading this.

Did you not read my
post properly? I agreed with everything you’re saying??? I said it appeared he had her back originally if you read her full post he said he didn’t want to speak to B again? Did I read it wrong?

my comment obviously was not written well because I’ve said he did initially support her but then still agreed to this horrible ‘meeting’ which he shouldn’t have and then I said I’m torn because it wasn’t clear if it was confiding in a friend or just telling the whole group but it sounded like he did tell the whole group which is totally wrong?

im on OPs side 100% and am mad at DH and disgusting friends for her!

Should DH decide to sit and discuss it with his friends and exclude you, fine for me he would come back to a home which had had the locks changed and his opersonal stuff would be in a box on the front doorstep whe he returned.

Agree. MIL knows. Wider family probably knows. Heck, he's probably even told his work colleagues.

Your dh needs to shut this down now.

I'm sorry you have had to experience the despicable behaviour from one of your H so called friends.
The whole scenario is creepy and weird and doesn't seem like a secure living arrangement with your H telling his friends about your traumatic experience. Gisele Pellicot comes to mind when I read your comments OP and I can't understand why your H had to go into so much detail about your trauma to his friends. He could have said a brief " I would rather you didn't talk about these things in my house" and leave it as that.

I would recommend that you get away from ALL of these people.

‘I believed what I told the group in confidence regarding my wife, was disclosed to real friends that I could trust at the time.

Since then B has created further harm by discussing this in public by asking her inappropriate and quite frankly predatory questions about rape and sex. This is by anyone’s standards entirely unacceptable.

Given the seriousness of B’s conduct I can not see any circumstances where he will be welcome in my life or that of my family ever again. There will be no meeting or further discussion about this. My only priority now is to support my wife, and would thank you to now respect her privacy and dignity’

Bloody hell, you poor woman. My heart goes out to you and I’m furious on your behalf.
B is a weird, vile creep but your husband? I’d be absolutely furious with him! How bloody dare he discuss your trauma behind your back! It clearly wasn’t just to the ‘friend’ group because he’s told at least one other person but I’d hazard a guess that he’s told others too. What a prick! And because he needed support for YOUR trauma! No, it’s because he’s a bloody gossip. If he needed support, he should have spoken to you and suggested he has counselling, not gossip to a bunch of men.
Personally, I’d never be able to trust him again because he has totally destroyed that and betrayed you, plus he has lied to you and is probably still lying to you. What a stupid man.

I would wonder about who else your DH has told. He can’t be trusted to protect you

Sorry WTF? Your husband ‘doesn’t want an argument’? What does that even mean? Basically shut up woman I don’t want to take accountability for what I did. Flipping the blame to you for calling him out.

Your husband is disgusting. My skin would crawl having a ‘dh’ like that.

In the midst of all this discussion of whys and wherefores, I just want to send you a huge hug and say how very very sorry I am that you are having to go through this. The feelings of hurt, exposure, betrayal and sadness must be overwhelming and yet you can't even get to them because of all the men drama.

Please look after yourself first, do what you need to do and get support where you can IRL. You don't owe anyone anything, not explanations, not forgiveness, not acceptance. Sending a hand hold and strength.

I am too. The talk now has to be about OP's husband divulging such personal and confidential information about his wife. He's awful.

theyd be scared?? I wish someone would call this ‘friend’ and say you absolute pathetic wanker, women are scared men will attack them, rape them and / or kill them, you bunch of big babies are scared a woman will say you don’t get to TALK about MY RAPE amongst yourselves. What are you, 2 years old??? What else are you scared of? The boogy man , the sun disappearing at night and the elderly crossing lady? If there’s anyone you should be scared of it’s B who’s a disgusting creepy predator, but you don’t have to be scared of him because you’re not a woman.

Can we call B’s behaviour what it actually was- it was abuse. He was prying into sexual details you never would normally ask in normal conversation much less to someone you know was traumatised previously. It was a bullying power play, and I have an icky feeling sexually gratifying for B as well and should be framed as such, also to Dh to make him appreciate the reality of the situation

All of this. They are all massively inappropriate.

Chances are he will lie though OP. It is what people put into a difficult spotlight like this do.

This is going to make this meet up even more traumatic, as not only is your past being discussed, but you might well have to defend yourself too.

If they want to meet up and discuss this while at their fkn carvery table, then so be it. You do not need to put yourself in the midst of it. Why should you? You have absolutely nothing wrong.

Perhaps put your focus into how to get through this instead. Can you go away for a few days? Not with dh btw, on your own or with the dc. I know from experience that is is very difficult to rationalize your thoughts when you are right in the thick of it.

I know I have said in a pp that I would not be able to continue with this relationship, trust is a deal breaker for me. But every person is different and this may not mean the end for you But I can't see how you can even start to deal with processing something like this, when group chats, meet ups and this bullshit is happening around you.

At the very least, you should be offered the chance for space to process this how you need to.

Oh and prepare for B to say he was just drunk and doesn’t remember saying most of it btw.

Honestly, you sound utterly amazing and your DH really doesn't deserve you. You are so brave to have gone through distressing therapy so that you can be the best possible mother to your children.

I'm utterly shocked that the first reaction from your DH in particular and the rest of their friendship group isn't to completely ostracise B in sheer disgust at his behaviour. There is nothing to discuss. He is a sexual pervert with a side order of cruelty who has no place in civilised society.

If they all decide to take B's side so that they can continue with their fucking carveries, your DH should disown them all. If he doesn't do that, I'd be planning to leave the marriage.

Somehow OP'S husband and his friends have become the main characters in her trauma, and they're repeatedly violating her.

OP - you’re not hearing the consensus here.

This lads’ discussion with B and DH is not happening.
The Whatsapp discussions stop now.
How mates deal with the end of B and DH friendship is up to them.

To the posters suggesting OP tell the wives and girlfriends of this group - they will already know.

Its disgusting, but people treat this kind of information as though its a crime against the public rather than the person. It'll have been mentioned over the years with a "poor OP" tone and the women involved will have assumed its so private they shouldn't raise it with OP.

The same men will be downplaying Bs behaviour with "he was drunk/didnt mean to upset her/stepped over the line but I've known him for years and he's a good guy who got it wrong".

Pigs that they are, Im betting they think if B apologises to the husband they'll be civil to each other, and to hell with how this makes OP feel.

Oh please! 🙄
Her DH did not have her back when he divulged private and confidential information about her past trauma to his sleazy mates who are probably fantasising about it because why else would they keep on wanting to “discuss” it? Absolutely revolting.

I have to say I'm a bit, erm, taken aback that they want to be friends with someone who has the potential to ask their own wives about sex, let alone in the context of rape. Who asks their mate's wife if he is good in bed?!