DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

Op will have been blindsided by the unexpected shock of being in that position. Shocked and triggered, no doubt she will have frozen and not able to fully process what was happening. This is entirely normal and to be expected. It’s likely she is still coming to terms with her husband’s betrayal and the predatory behaviour of B even now, hence her post. She needs real life support, probably more counselling to work through if she can get past the actions of her dh.

This isn't salvageble.

If your H told them because they were making inappropriate jokes, that means they were making rape jokes. His excuse that he ' had to tell them your past' means he is claiming these are a group of people who won't care if they are called out on making rape jokes.

B is a pervert who enjoyed the power and control he had in that conversation he had with you.

Your H should never have told them your past.

The friendship group is prioritising maintaining their group over kicking out B who is a pervert, and they are a friendship group who make rape jokes. They sound awful.

Your H should ditch the lot of them, but I doubt he will. They may ditch him as they are seeing him the one as making things awkward ( not B).

All this is a result of your H betraying your confidence in the most appalling way and to an appalling bunch of men. To a bunch of men who think joking about rape is amusing.

I'm sorry OP. All this is so dreadful.

Yes I couldn’t forgive him taking the most traumatic experience of your life and effectively making it gossip fodder

has he told you how much detail he’s told them?

I think it’s also worth bearing in mind that there will come a time when your kids will find out and you may want to ensure you are controlling that situation

The issue you have here is with your husband OP. He should have never told anyone behind your back.

So now he has to own the consequences. He has to give up the whole group or the door is over there IMO.

A mass fucking meeting indeed. What a bunch of cunts.

It's abhorrent, utterly prurient, and 'B' is, I'm afraid, a revolting pervert who gets his kicks out of situations like this. I'm afraid it's no coincidence that your 'D'H told him of your experiences to make him stop talking about something similar - you see the pattern. There are men like this out there. I wouldn't have him in my home or have him anywhere near me again.

Only you know whether this is a dealbreaker, but I would be very unimpressed with my DH divulging information like this about me for whatever reason. I'd experience that as a betrayal.

I have so much empathy with your situation - which is why I've reacted so viscerally to your post. I had a very similar experience - two men, only I was fifteen and there was no spiking involved on that occasion. I have some idea of what you're going through and the protracted harm it does. My situation does also involve child abuse and I have cPTSD, so it took me a good two years of EMDR to unpick the mess. My advice is, do stick with it. It took a long, painful time but the effects have been nothing short of life-changing.

I also hope there's a hot place in hell for the four monsters who did that to you, and to me. Sending much love.

Sadly, I think many more people will be aware of your past trauma OP. If your husband has told these friends, then I think it stands to reason your MIL will be aware and possibly any siblings your husband may have. The friends, have likely told their wives/girlfriends and there could be mutual friends that may also be aware. It seems to me that your husband has blabbed to all in sundry.

Your husband doesn't appear to have apologised. He's minimising his behaviour. He's telling lies to get himself out of the shit. He seems to have no real understanding of the magnitude of the betrayal he's caused you. He's supposed to love you and have your back, yet he's chosen to tell people something that's personal to you, thus taking away your right to decide who knows, and then hides the fact he's done so.

I couldn't move past this to be honest. There's no coming back. These friends believe a conversation is all that is required to smooth the situation over, are deluded. I wouldn't want any of these men in my home or in my company again, for minimising B's behaviour, and more importantly neither should your husband.

Stop that victim blaming right now.

Nice victim-blaming. Fawning is a trauma response just like freeze, fight and flight. You have absolutely no right to criticise the actions of someone who was blindsided by this behaviour.

How your DH behaves now OP would be the make or break for me. And I'm not even sure I could start to forgive his betrayal. He's made the worst event in your life into gossip for a group of men. Who are keen to carry the conversation on.
It beggars belief.

Hope you are managing to feel a little better OP. So sorry you are having to relive your terrible experience.
There are virtually no words I can find to express my disgust at your H and his friends.
But would say - these friends come first for him .
He and they have no realisation of what you experienced and still feel and HOW IT HAS AFFECTED YOU.
They are all also terrible gossips and love any thing ''sensational'' especially. They are actually out of touch with society's ''norms'' here.
They clearly have too much time on their hands and certainly are not gentlemen - or even ''manly''. I would say this is not what men do - they are more like a bunch of gossipy old women of times gone by..
Your H should break off contact with this group if he values his self respect and his marriage/family.

You shouldn't make any decisions that take THEIR discomfort into account. B should be uncomfortable. He was way out of line in the bar.

It's your choice about whether or not you want to be present. This is your past, this is your present, you get to have some control.

I think your DH is coming from the right place with his approach after this recent incident in the bar but I completely understand why you feel he has betrayed your trust.

I'd guess that his sharing it with friends will have come from a place of wanting to protect you. We don't know in what situation he revealed it. He shouldn't have but from his response to this, I don't think it was in a gossipy way. It could've been a discussion about something in the news and he's snapped, it could've been a "oh God, I'm so worried for... because..." and it all tumbled out. Who knows. He still shouldn't have if you wanted to keep that trauma private.

I think the conversation with DH is separate to this B thing.

I'm assuming alcohol played a part in B's fucking awful performance but that doesn't excuse it at all.

I'm so sorry that your worst experience was pulled through the evening like that and that private information was shared with even more people.

The survival of their friendship is the least important thing here and I'd make it clear with his friend group how hurtful it is that that is their priority here. It's not your responsibility to pull them together again. This B blew up his own life and deserves to have some negative impact on his life.

I would be horrified if my husband, the one person who is supposed to live and support me and who has all my trust and k owns everything about me even my secrets so bravely decided to share something so personal, so horrific and upsetting with anyone mever
mind discussed it socially in a large group of friends. I would never be able to trust or forgive him again. What a betrayal. How are you not livid with him? How is he even considering trying to h to make up with this person? Person B should be kicked to the curb and your husband swiftly behind him. I’m sorry for the trauma you went through and sorry that your co offence has been so brutally broken.

Your husband is a Judas. A vile man who has made your trauma about himself. There should be no meeting, these mem are not councillors, doctors, or phyciatrists, they are just a group of nosey men who need to keep their ignorant mouths shut.

Your husband is another matter, this has occured because he has made your trauma about himself and I suspect played for sympathy with his group of mates.

I personally could not get past this, and I would think of leaving your husband as I find his actions weak and pathetic.

B is just a disgusting pervert. You say he hits on married women and discusses rape and could it be a turn on in a relationship. If these men who want a meeting are still associating with him it shows what they are like. I am disgusted with them all.

Your dh should be trying to rebuild trust with you and writing friend b off as a weirdo forever. Anything else would be unacceptable to me.

What the actual fuck was your 'd'h doing discussing this with his mates? You simply say the discussion is distasteful, shut the heck up, it's disrespectful to be making 'jokes' in such poor taste, he certainly didn't need to mention your personal history, how dare he?! I'd be more furious with that than anything else. B can get to fuck, he's a disgusting piece of work asking questions re your sex life, what kind of weirdo does that?

Yes. The OP is being reduced to a walk on part as Over-Sensitive Nuisance in her own life. This is literally rape culture in action. Not all men have to be the actual rapists to create a culture where the rape is a minor issue that doesn’t get in the way of blokes bonding over a carvery.

Much love to you OP. What absolute shits they are. Absolutely disgusting.

I think I’d be very tempted to send a message to their group chat outlining exactly why Bs behaviour is abhorrent and how this will no longer be a topic of discussion without you present.

I dont know what the solution is regarding your husband though. I feel that may be a situation that will become clear in time.

What the actual fuck have I just read?! OP, I am SO sorry that you’re having to go through this - I can only imagine the feelings of betrayal, violation and disgust you might be experiencing.

Basically, the misogyny is strong with this “friendship group”, is it not? “B” has shown himself to be a predatory pervert, who at the first opportunity has been so vile and inappropriate that, in my opinion, the only reasonable response would be
a solid punch in the face. He gets off on thinking and talking about the worst, most horrific experience of your life. That’s who he is. Apparently this isn’t uncommon among men, a lot of them are sick in this way, but to actually interrogate you and push for info is beyond appalling and blatantly perverse.

Then there’s the husband, who allegedly told his “special friends” about your deeply personal trauma in an attempt to get them to stop telling JOKES about RAPE in your house?! What’s wrong with “don’t tell sick jokes in my house or anywhere, SA is NEVER funny?” He’s since changed his story to say he told all of these men about your SA for “support”. But, he’s being rather cagey and defensive, so something isn’t right with him.

So, who exactly knows and when/what exactly did he tell them? And we can safely assume they may have told their spouses/partners/friends etc, so there’s no way at all to know just how many people are now privy to your utterly personal information. This is an extraordinary betrayal of trust on the part of your husband. It sounds like he “talks the talk” of having your back, but it’s not sounding like he “walks the walk”.

Flip the situation for a moment. If you asked your husband - I’m not using DH because I don’t believe there’s any ‘darling here - to try to imagine a situation where he was drugged and raped by two men when he was still a child. The physical, mental and emotional scars of that attack have had a profound effect on his life and it’s taken years and years to try to recover, as much as possible, and move forward in life without constantly feeling bowed down under the weight of the violation and trauma.

Then husband meets you, and you say all of the right things to make him feel supported. Then, years later, while he’s out in a pub, one of your friends walks up to him, and starts a conversation about his drugged gang rape - did being raped affect his opinion on anal sex, has it made him like it? He is horrified, disgusted and violated by this turn of events. Turns out that you have told alllll of your special friends about his rape - without his permission. When he’s upset and asks why you told ‘the girls’ you say it was because some of them were laughing about male victims of rape and you wanted to give them a reason not to make these jokes in your house. Then, when a bit more info comes out and this sounding iffy, you admit that you told them all ages ago - sometimes you chat about it and the “support” helps you. I mean, some of the women might be getting a perverse thrill out of it - talking about his rape, imagining his rape etc - but they’re your friends and you deserve support too, right? I mean, it’s not all about him, right?!

And now it’s all got a bit socially awkward. You’re angry with your twisted, pervy friend and happy to not see her again - obvs - but the rest of the girls are putting the pressure on to not mess up the whole friendship group, because you’ve got social plans and it’ll be a drag to spoil things and make people pick sides. So, they’re suggesting a meet up of the “women’s council of friendsl to discuss this situation and try to work out a way forward - a way that doesn’t involve him or his presence, because that would make THEM feel AWKWARD. They’re all going to sit around and discuss him, the behaviour of the sicko friend and how to navigate this unfortunate incident. But it’s not actually about HIM, about his betrayal,
objectification and his experience seemingly being used as a titillating topic of conversation. No. This is about the much more important subject of trying to keep the friendship group in tact.

How the fuck would your husband feel, then?

Honestly, this post is far too long already and I could go on and no. Brass tacks - I don’t see how you even begin to try to continue or repair your relationship after this betrayal. I suspect the husband has no idea of the severity and seriousness of the damage he’s done to your marriage.

If it were me, I think I would say to him that if he chooses to indulge in this “council of the menz” nonsense re: salvaging the friendship, then he shouldn’t bother coming home afterward. But I’d be looking at ending the marriage in any event, to move on to a safe space where I felt secure. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.

What kind of husband would want a pervert like B anywhere near their wife? Wtf

Honestly at this point I’d be saying to your “D” H that if he says one more word about me, or my experiences, to a third party then I’d be leaving him. He can work through issues with his moron friends if he values a carvery more than his family, but if he so much as mentions you, or your past trauma, that will be the end of things.

Your H clearly has some very strange views on boundaries and I don’t accept his explanation at all. He can’t be trusted to discuss this sensibly. And his friends can’t be trusted at all. If he is a good partner in other ways then this may not need to end the relationship. But he needs to know that he must never discuss you, or your personal affairs again.

I’d also have told B to shut the f up within 2 mins of that conversation starting- so you might want to consider why you didn’t feel able to do so (maybe shock, or just trying to be nice). In the future it is absolutely fine to stop a conversation where you don’t feel comfortable immediately and if necessary leave.

I’m so sorry OP. Your husband’s choice of friends and willingness to share your traumatic experience without your consent doesn’t speak well of his character. He sounds weak and gossipy and B sounds like an unpleasant pervert.

I think it would end my marriage if my husband even considered trying to maintain a friendship with these men. He has put his own selfish interests before the wellbeing of his wife. I could never look at him again with any love or respect, and for me, once that has gone, it's all gone.

Put yourself and your peace and wellbeing to the forefront OP.

Much Love

There should be no meet up and no further discussion. Friendship with pervert mate should be over instantly and without a second thought, if their mutual friends have a problem with that then so be it. There should be no room for discussion. He was completely out of order and is a complete pervert, I wouldn’t want his mate anywhere near me because I’d be worried what he might do.

As for DH, does he really have your back? Where is his back bone, why is he willing to discuss this, and why is he such a gossip!

This, sadly. He sounds worse with every update. I can’t get over the cheek of him saying he “doesn’t want an argument”. He keeps on minimising his behaviour and he keeps on giving in to his horrible friends and putting their wishes first.