DH friends want to discuss me, I want to be there, AIBU (TW)

That’s one way of looking at it but there are worse interpretations.

We only have his word for it on the context in which he told his mates. There would be no reason to being OP into that conversation. I highly suspect it’s bollocks.

This, although I think that B may be expected to give a mealy-mouthed apology to OP for upsetting her “even though he didn’t mean to”. OP will be expected to graciously accept this “apology” and move on, or they will imply that she’s being difficult. No way would I go along with this!

I’ve lived in small (weird) communities and worked in male dominated environments- often it’s a case of, ‘oh that’s just X’ and if pressed the group may agree it’s not right really, but the priority is maintaining the particular group, so somehow or another the behaviour is overlooked/excused. I’m talking about massively inappropriate behaviour here. I find it baffling and revolting but it happens and I feel this is what the ‘inner circle’ Will be hoping for with B.

I doubt it’s the first time he’s stepped out of line - or something similar has happened within the group - I think these meetings/intervention type things will have happened previously tbh - doesn’t seem a big surprise to your DH that they're having one.

The ‘inner circle’ is who he turns to and trusts - guess many of them do - I think the trust is misplaced though as evidenced by it being more or less ok that B does this - which is massively inappropriate behaviour in any circumstances and he must have shown signs of this type of thing before. I don’t think drunk would excuse it btw - I definitely believe in drunk actions arising from sober thoughts - but it may work as an excuse to not blow up the great ‘circle’.

I hear you want to go - I’m not sure the ‘circle’ would fully hear what you say though. They sound like they’re stuck 30 years ago with the mention they’d be ‘scared’. Has B apologised at all to your DH or any of them? What are the circle saying to him at this point?

Personally, your DH should have your back, not associate with B ever again - he must know he’s an absolute predator already tbh but now is the time to man up about it.

If you must go, then you must - be well prepared and be kind to yourself 💗

I was texting DH at the time, while B was saying these things so essentially I can prove it.

How did your DH respond at the time? I'm stunned he didn't come and drag you out of there and/or flatten B.

I think OP has essentially become entangled with a fairly standard group of misogynistic, disrespectful men. They joke about rape and demean women. When they did this in OP's home, the H was worried OP would find out how they talk about women, so he told them OP's private trauma history to get them to quieten down on his own turf. I suspect the H likes to portray himself as OP's protector and has told all and sundry about the rape in order to polish his knight in shining armour look. It was beyond inappropriate of him to ask friend B to sub for him as a protector on the night out. Friend B is sexually predatory and has a rape fetish. Now all the blokes in this pathetic bunch are worried that they will lose their carvery/sex talk/misogyny session and want to have a meeting to get back on track. They will say the OP got the wrong end of the stick about friend B because of her trauma history. They will all agree that none of them did anything wrong and they should continue as normal, happy in the knowledge that they are all great blokes and shouldn't let a woman come between them.

OP, you need to consider whether this is who your H is and the scales have just fallen from your eyes, or whether he is better than this and has let himself (and you) down. I would say very little and watch what he does very carefully. If it's as per my prediction, plan your exit. He is not a good man.

Op the boy’s possy do not, and will never come before you and your safety.

Unless your dh comes home with real conviction that he will not stand by and allow these predatory men anymore oxygen - and will stop this immediately. No meeting or otherwise should be happening at your expense. I really don’t think you can trust him at all to have your back or otherwise.

He has already let you down so badly, he has exposed and put you at risk with B - and he seems to be wobbling as to where his true loyalties lie. This is simply not acceptable.

I’m finding it very sad how many women have been through horrific experiences themselves.

I never told anyone until my husband and only my husband 30 years after the event (my first boyfriend so it took a while for me to acknowledge it was rape). I know he will take that to the grave unless I say I want to tell people. He knows it’s not his trauma to tell.

I would wonder if your husband is trying to come across as “your saviour” to all his friends and that is partly why he has told people. As others say it wouldn’t surprise me if it is only his friends he’s told.

‘In a neutral coffee shop or pub’? So the man who turned your rape into his sexual fantasy in a pub in front of people you hadn’t told can make your trauma a public event all over again? Or in the hope that you ‘won’t make a fuss’ if it’s in public or there’s the fear of being overheard if you raise your voice?

Ask him if he’d like to discuss his response to being drugged and violently anally raped, and someone else asking for details because that’s the kind of thing they like, in a pub or neutral coffee shop?

Your partner made a big mistake but perhaps out of ignorance more than bad intentions. Some of his misguided friends are probably in a similar headspace. B however is a sexual predator, you have enough information to know that for sure.

With my own healing, I have come to realise that I found various responses to the aftermath of my rape even more traumatising than the event itself. Ditto the persistent - possibly even growing? - misogyny in our society as it simultaneously pats itself on the back for it's so called progressiveness.

(EMDR really is great though).

I think if I were in your position I'd write an email about all of this to your husband and the friend group (not B as he'd probably get off on it). I'd try and write from the stance of believing they are good people, who abhor rape. Obviously they are blinkered by their own male privilege / misogynist world, but I'd try not to be accusatory, as that just induces defensiveness. I'd write in the real genuine hope of deepening their understanding of women's experiences. Then I'd take this to my therapist and maybe a couple of close friends and think about whether I really wanted to send it.

If I did send the email, it would then be up to each of those men, and your husband, how to proceed. Whether they are open to becoming less misogynist, or not.

It is of course not your responsibility to do any of this. You're totally not unreasonable to tell them all to get to fuck.

I'd consider it marriage ending actually.
He seems more bothered about his mates.

Your husband and his inner circle of perverts and sleazy gossips have been exposed and now your husband 'doesn't want an argument'??

I don't know how I'd come back from this massive betrayal of trust. You know now that what you talk to your husband about. Your secretes, your trauma, anything personal, has been gossiped about and on many occasions clearly. It's definitely been used as wank fodder too because they are all shitty people.

Your husband can't put this cat back in the bag. He has fucked up and hes been exposed as a gossip by his slimy sleazy rapey friend who actually made you feel violated all over again.
You haven't even told your own friends many of the things he's told his! They've all found it salacious and exciting and don't give a fuck about you either for what happened then, nor for how you feel now.

I'd be going nuclear and I'd be telling him that he cannot undo what he's done, but he's currently making it fucking worse and worse, and it's been a real eye opener in a bad way.

At worst he will embellish his fantasy watching you distressed. Don’t go near this virtual rapist.

I agree , sounds weird a group of men getting together for ‘discussions’ ,
very ‘masonic’ and old boys club . What does your husband get out of this , you should come before any of his friends. You’re his partner ffs !

I would ask my DH what he got out of telling his fellow cult members your awful story.
He has betrayed you and you should end your marriage as you will never forgive him.
He is worse than B to be honest as its seems it was no skin of any of thier backs to talk about you and your DH didn't have your back. Tell him to fuck too his friends and change the locks or move out. It must have taken a lot to have trusted him after your terrible experience and he has stabbed you whole heartedly in the back. Evil disgusting man. It does make you wonder if he told people so he would look good as the man who saved the poor broken girl. Bastard.

Long term, I’d be seriously reconsidering my marriage and looking at my options to split if I were you.
Your husband doesn’t have your back, if he did he wouldn’t have told them in the first place and he definitely wouldn’t be doing anything except telling all his friends B was wrong and cutting him off altogether, whether that cost him some friends or not.
Why would he want someone like that around?

Short term, I’m not sure what the answer is but I’d give some thought into getting away by yourself/with dc for a few days. Give yourself time to breathe and let your H really think about what his awful friends may cost him.

Im not sure about his friends but I would definitely be tempted to send a message to all of them making it clear your H told them without your knowledge or consent, that they have no business discussing it and given their priority seems to be making sure B is forgiven, none of them are welcome around you or your dc again so they don’t have to worry about you, the victim in their wrongdoing, making them uncomfortable (can’t actually believe any of them were stupid enough to say that tbh).

I think at this point you have very little to lose. You no longer want these men around you, your DH is going to do whatever he wants regardless and all you can do now if protect yourself however you can.

And for you that you’ve had to experience the many ways men can be shit. Sorry OP

Completely agree. He sounds predatory. DH’s other friends should be cutting him off too, in my opinion.

This is awful. I would not be happy with a group of men (I assume you think of them as casual friends yourself) discussing me and my trauma like some juicy gossip. I know you can’t stop your husband’s friends getting together and discussing you but if my husband went to this I wouldn’t be trusting him ever again and I’d be asking for a separation.

I was raped at university. I told no one for years and years. I have only disclosed to 3 friends and my husband. They have not discussed it with anyone else. I am so horrified that your husband has disclosed your trauma to make life less awkward for himself. He hasn’t centred you or your feeling in any of this, past or even present. When it is obvious you are struggling now he has lied and deflected. It is unforgivable. I am sending you solidarity and strength

I have to agree with this, B clearly got a kick out of making you uncomfortable and trying to get details, it wasnt concerning, they were disturbing questions.

But your Husband seems to get his own kick out of sharing your story and acting like its his information to share. Its very odd and creepy in its own way that he thinks he can use something so personal and private as gossip. I would be concerned about this, what else is he feeling is good for gossip because if he thinks you dont deserve your own control over who knows this, anything is fair game.

I actually feel like the more concerning behaviour here is your Husband. B you can and should cut out, they dont get to have discussions for or about you. I would also be telling their partners that they like having group meetings to discuss intimate and personal information, if I found out my Husband wanted to sit around and discuss someone's trauma I would not be impressed at all.

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. In your position I don’t think I could ever forgive my husband. How could I trust him with anything I told him ever again?
As for the friendship group, they clearly want it all to blow over so they can have their group again. I’m disappointed they want anything more to do with B. Being generous, perhaps they want the facts from the horses mouth before they condemn him but it doesn’t sound like it, otherwise they would need you there too.
Thing is though, B wouldn’t have had the chance to do this vile thing if your DH had not betrayed your confidence. And it was not just that ‘one night’ was it? As others not there know too. He is lying. No, I couldn’t get over it personally.
Let them discuss what they like when they like, this is marriage ending for me.

I can't vote on this one and not because I think you are being at all unreasonable but because you don't seem to be as angry as this warrants.
I mean is your husband always such a fucking idiot?
Because that's the most generous interpretation I can put on his behaviour.
For me I'd take all your husband's and the "gang's" wishes off the table and focus on what YOU want and need both now and in the longer term.
Do you want to save your marriage?
From now on what would your saved marriage look like and is your husband capable of doing it?
Would you like a break from having to see him and live with him?
Would you like to reframe their "meeting" as your calling the whole bunch of imbeciles to account? If you would, then what do you require from that meeting?
Is there someone who you'd like to have support you in this?

You should not be having to deal with this shitfest.

What the fuck?!?! I’m so sorry you are being put through another ordeal OP.

B is a disgusting abusive piece of shit and there should be no discussion about whether your husband cuts him off or not. That’s a no brainer. How dare his friends try and make it all about them?!?! YOU are the one they should be worried about making uncomfortable, not them.

The whole situation is absolutely dreadful. Quite frankly your husband’s focus right now should be on salvaging his marriage, not texting friends about a ridiculous meeting to discuss your private business. If it was me I would seriously be considering leaving him due to his appalling behaviour and disloyalty.

This

It's so important people understand more about trauma