Mother in law

Don't go. If your DH is that bothered about going he can go with the kids. He knows why you don't want to go. If he doesn't want to go either then win win!

This:
/Don't go. Don't put yourself through this. You also have a Dh problem that is he more willing to see you upset than his Mother. He knows she behaves this way and he accepts it./

I hugely sympathise & voted YANBU. I increasingly suffer rudeness & controlling behaviour from my MIL. The more I help her, the worse she gets. And DP, while recognising this, is of course conflicted.

Boundary-setting is hard, but utterly necessary. I suspect you don't want to feel like a bad person, but forget that, because in her eyes, you already are. You don't need to go. Maybe you're trying to keep up appearances for your children - that's their grandma. But do you really need to do that anymore? They may already have worked out she's not being nice to you. Are there any positives left for you & your family in visiting MIL? That sounds selfish, but that's the territory you're in. SHE'S got positives: another opportunity to have a series of very enjoyable snipes at you. If you have none, don't go. If she asks why, tell her: you're too rude to me & I'm no longer prepared to put up with it.

If you do go, make sure DH knows that, if the rudeness begins, you're leaving. Don't be shamed by this; just because she's old/losing it doesn't mean she gets to do this to you. If it helps, imagine she was slapping you several times a day because she likes the sound it makes, and your reaction. You wouldn't put up with that for a second. But she's emotionally slapping you.

All the best, OP.

Are you going for your DH sake? If so you might need to tell him that you don't get along with MIL and vice versa, and going to stay with her is not your idea of a break at all.

What would he say to that? I think your answer lies there. Forget about MIL, she will survive with Golden Balls running to see her whenever she beckons.

It is all very well people saying "just don't go". If it were that easy you wouldn't go would you? So spell it out why you feel obliged to suffer this woman. Then we can maybe help you with strategies. Mostly involving your DH I suspect!

have you spoken to your husband about how you feel?
What has he said about the way his DM treats you? If he’s minimising or denying her behaviour then he needs to know that you’re prepared to drop the rope.
my reservation would be the children. How would they feel?

Don't go. Don't be the butt of her jokes. Don't play her nasty games.

Just insist on staying at home. Have a few days with your feet up or bumbling around doing whatever you wish, in peace. Your dh can't force you.

Bliss

I voted YABU for bothering to go. I have a family member I don’t get on with (mutual) and I stay away. I told my husband - he’s not over the moon about it but he decides to go on his own or not.

Twenty years is too long to be bullied by a relative who doesn't like you.

Its not just for a few hours... but for several days.

If you keep saying No... that's it... you can't be forced into the car

Ideally, just don't go, but The only thing is whether she treats your DC the same way. If you feel you have to be there for the DC... perhaps you could book somewhere else to stay and just turn up for a few hours

She's only got power over you because your DH gives it to her. But if you decide you are not going to co operate with that any more.. You've given 20 years of co-operation which she does not deserve and there's not much anyone can do to force you.

Sorry OP... its stressful dealing with this but i think it sounds like you've had enough.

Another one who doesn't get why you're going. Sounds like your DH is aware of her unpleasantness and no way would I be putting the kids through having to tolerate her shite.

You are building this up in your head. Sometimes I can't understand my own husband (Scouser). But honestly I think you are being a tad oversensitive. Just respond with "I thought you'd be bilingual by now " etc
However she brought up her own children has nothing to do with you. We all grow , learn , do the best we can. She can be a doting grandparent while being not such a great parent

Why on earth are you going? Let your husband go on his own if he wants, but you should just stay at home. She sounds absolutely horrible and I'd think much less of your husband for not standing up for you.

You don’t have to go. Seriously. You don’t have to spend time with anyone who treats you like shit. Or anyone you just don’t want to.

I voted YABU because I don't understand why you go there if she's like that.

This is simple to fix op. You just dont go. I dont understand people who put themselves through this. Shes a cow, and lifes too short to put up with this shit. So dont. Be strong. Who TF cares what she or anyone else thinks. Let your husband deal with her, he sounds a bit useless to be fair.

Sounds like his way of dealing with his mum as he grew up was to just disengage and let her get on with it, which is very understandable. It's also understandable that he would automatically carry that pattern on now. It doesn't suit family life though, and it's not fair to impose that coping mechanism on to new people, but I don't think it's the sort of thing that will be automatically obvious to him either. You need to have a long and frank conversation and figure out in what way you want to approach this as a team and then be a united front. He needs to understand how hard it is to come into this family dynamic that has been normalized to him, but you will have to pause the hurt and upset that you've accumulated and explain it calmly.

You not joining them is a very valid option but I do think it still needs to be a joint and thought out decision or there's going to be resentment from at least one of you, maybe both.

Don't go. Don't put yourself through this. You also have a Dh problem that is he more willing to see you upset than his Mother. He knows she behaves this way and he accepts it.

Have a look at FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. He probably visits her because he feels he has to not because he wants to. He has grown up with this, this is his normal. You don't have to play along. Stop being nice, she isn't nice to you so why not say I don't want to visit you because of your behaviour toward me.

You are exposing your children to this woman. As a child we were made to visit a pernicious grandparent and then I had to hear this woman talk shit about my other parent. Don't do this to your children.

Agree to not go but either way with no drama,- just say I thought you should spend quality time together and I’m not feeling great (which is true, you’re feeling shit about going!). Tell them to have a great time and wave them off. If she texts or contacts ‘ah I hope you’re all having a lovely time’ then off the phone.

Don’t go. Let DH and the DCs have some quality time with her.

"Do you have to be so rude?" works in well in a lot of situations. Basically call her out every time.

1. If she struggles with your accent, remark to DH that she could have cognitive decline at “her age”. She can’t understand you so it’s fine.
2. If she comments on your weight, say you knew you’d get sympathy from a fellow woman who has been through the same.

Don’t go. You do not have to put up with it.

Why are you saying you have to visit? You absolutely categorically do not.

Just don’t go.

Do you have to go? If not, stay at home.

Yeah just don't go, send the kids with DH if needed. Time to.put yourself first.

The great thing about being an adult is having free will to go/not go where you like. I would suggest that you use your free will to stay home.

I am feeling really annoyed about having to visit

Who is forcing you to visit?