Page 9 | AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

FeelDeflated · 2026-07-13T13:37:25+00:00

I’ve name changed as it’s outing, though I’ve been here years. We live 5 mins away from my best friend (of 30 yrs) her DH and adult DD. My DH can turn his hand to pretty much any DIY. Over the last 5 years whenever she’s needed jobs doing in their house, putting up TVs, shelves, fixing lights, assembling beds, garage racking, she’s asked if he’d help and he always has, (her DH isn’t handy in that way) he’s never asked for payment. Her DD recently left working at a nail salon, tho still has all the products and equipment. A while ago, when my friend was at my house I said I’d love her DD to do my nails before I went on holiday. I made it clear I’d pay, not expecting it free. A week before we went away, while my friend was on holiday, I messaged and asked if her DD would do them. Her reply was, “She doesn’t do nails anymore, she only does mine and her own.” I can’t explain how hurt I felt and p*ssed off if I am honest. It wasn’t even so much that the answer was no, it was the fact there wasn’t a second thought of, “Actually, they’ve done so much for us over the years, I’ll ask my DD.” It just felt dismissive. I know her DD is an adult and it would have been her decision. But my friend replied within a minute while she was away on holiday, so she hadn't asked her DD. I think that's what hurt, there wasn't even a thought of asking after everything we’ve (DH) has done for them over the years. If the situation had been the other way round I’d have absolutely asked my DD. Maybe I’m overreacting, but I genuinely feel really upset by it. It’s made me look back and wonder if the friendship is a bit one-sided. This happened 2 weeks ago and I’ve not replied to her message, she hasn’t contacted me since or asked if everything’s OK. AIBU for feeling hurt, would you feel the same? And where do I go from here? I really don’t want to contact her now, her birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I'm wondering how i deal with that.

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 22:03

chocoluv · 13/07/2026 21:58

No.

I just wouldn’t expect a favour from someone’s child just because my DH has done their parents a favour.

DD has stopped doing nails.
She likely has loads of friends and family members who keep asking her to do them but she has already said no.

DD does not do nails anymore. End of.
No means no.

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It’s the way the message was delivered, not the fact she no longer does them , or does, but only for a choice few!
and he’s also done favours for the DD

OP posts:

asdbaybeeee · 13/07/2026 22:01

It is plausible she asked her dd when it was first mentioned and she said no. Which was why she had the quick response. Her response was abrupt but maybe as close friends she felt she didn’t need to go into detail/ apologise.
However if you feel you are in a situation where you do lots for her and she does little back it’s absolutely reasonable to withdraw that help.

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 22:00

suburberphobe · 13/07/2026 21:47

How upsetting OP. Nasty way of both of them to treat you like that, especially after you both helping her out when she needed it.
I'd rather have you two as my friends than her.

I'd be going low contact. She needs help from you two? Fuck that.

I'd feel used too.

Next time, don't be available. Tell her you are busy etc. Just block her.

Some people are just users.

Thank you

OP posts:

chocoluv · 13/07/2026 21:58

suburberphobe · 13/07/2026 21:52

^I don’t understand why you’re so upset.
Your DH doing DIY is irrelevant and the DD doesn’t owe you anything.^

Guess you got an empathy bypass @chocoluv

No.

I just wouldn’t expect a favour from someone’s child just because my DH has done their parents a favour.

DD has stopped doing nails.
She likely has loads of friends and family members who keep asking her to do them but she has already said no.

DD does not do nails anymore. End of.
No means no.

Laughorbloodycry · 13/07/2026 21:57

TheClocksFast · 13/07/2026 15:05

Sounds like your side is doing all the giving and, whilst I agree it’s not her favour to give, I’m going to bet that your relationship, in general, is pretty one-sided. Surely she could have had a word with her daughter.
Maybe it’s time to really assess this relationship…

I agree.

There will be more to this that has built up over time and you're now forced to see the one sided aspect.

It never works giving so much - I am now learning. Many people are happy to take.

I would stand firm in not fawning to get back in touch. I really hate this sort of comms, it is in my view deliberately dismissive and passive aggressive. Intended to make you feel anxious.

There is nothing wrong with someone saying No, yet, I agree that this is not particularly well delivered. Wait it out and think about the possibility of never having contact again - she may wait for you to fawn over her if that's the typical dynamic What if you don't?

suburberphobe · 13/07/2026 21:52

^I don’t understand why you’re so upset.
Your DH doing DIY is irrelevant and the DD doesn’t owe you anything.^

Guess you got an empathy bypass @chocoluv

chocoluv · 13/07/2026 21:47

YABU

You said that you spoke to your friend about this a while ago.

The friend obviously spoke to DD about it then and the DD was adamant that she didn’t want to do it.

Why would your friend text her DD whilst she’s on holiday and ask her a question that she already knows the answer to.

I don’t understand why you’re so upset.

Your DH doing DIY is irrelevant and the DD doesn’t owe you anything.

You say you would have paid so it’s not like you was expecting a freebie and there’s no difference between you booking in with her or someone else.

suburberphobe · 13/07/2026 21:47

How upsetting OP. Nasty way of both of them to treat you like that, especially after you both helping her out when she needed it.
I'd rather have you two as my friends than her.

I'd be going low contact. She needs help from you two? Fuck that.

I'd feel used too.

Next time, don't be available. Tell her you are busy etc. Just block her.

Some people are just users.

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 21:41

LettingItAllHangOut · 13/07/2026 21:37

Why does it have to be something deeper? It seems very surface level to me. Friend asks for favour after favour then is quite dismissive the one time a favour is asked in return. She absolutely was fine to say no but could have been apologetic about having to decline. As it stands, friend sounds very dismissive and rude. I would be irritated by the response.

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Thank you, that’s my point, not the fact her DD couldn’t do the favour, the way my friend responded

OP posts:

LettingItAllHangOut · 13/07/2026 21:41

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 21:32

I’ve been the one that has asked my DH to do the jobs when he’s said it’s a lot of work or tired due to the nature of his job, we both work full-time she doesn’t work, and I’ve gone down there spent the time running out to get parts if needed, and supported him for the hours that he’s been there, so my time too. But that’s not really the point here, it’s the way she pretty much dismissed me with no thought for what we’ve done for her

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I’m with you 100% on this. Your friend was rude and dismissive and should have handled it better. I’d decline any future requests for help.

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 21:40

Blondielocks25 · 13/07/2026 21:18

Not to mention the fact that it’s literally her daughter you were wanting to do the favour. For all you know they’ve had a milllion conversations about how she doesn’t want to do nails any more, they might even have fought about it!! You friend knows her child and knows if she’d be able to ask again or not. Clearly it was a not so she fired off a reply quickly to you. I’m glad you aren’t my friend reacting like you have ! Throwing your toys out the pram !!

She only had to say that to me, in a decent way, the reply she fired off could have been a nice, sorry mate … not the rude and dismissive one I got

OP posts:

LettingItAllHangOut · 13/07/2026 21:37

Blondielocks25 · 13/07/2026 21:15

you shouldn’t have kept offering DH’s help when you were asked if it was building resentment which it clearly was by your outsized reaction. Crazy! It’s literally nails, and you offered to pay so why not just go to a salon? You need to take stock of why you’ve reacted so strongly about this. Clearly something deeper going on there about the friendship, which is perhaps what you posted on here for. But honestly people who get resentful in the end about offering help need to first learn not to offer the help if they don’t want to do it! Things should be freely given without expectation of return, you’ll be a happier person if you take that attitude

Why does it have to be something deeper? It seems very surface level to me. Friend asks for favour after favour then is quite dismissive the one time a favour is asked in return. She absolutely was fine to say no but could have been apologetic about having to decline. As it stands, friend sounds very dismissive and rude. I would be irritated by the response.

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 21:37

Blondielocks25 · 13/07/2026 21:15

you shouldn’t have kept offering DH’s help when you were asked if it was building resentment which it clearly was by your outsized reaction. Crazy! It’s literally nails, and you offered to pay so why not just go to a salon? You need to take stock of why you’ve reacted so strongly about this. Clearly something deeper going on there about the friendship, which is perhaps what you posted on here for. But honestly people who get resentful in the end about offering help need to first learn not to offer the help if they don’t want to do it! Things should be freely given without expectation of return, you’ll be a happier person if you take that attitude

I never once resented helping, for info, we didn’t offer, we were asked, and were happy to. There’s nowhere in any of my posts that say I’ve reacted strongly except to say I’m hurt and a bit p’d off with her response, that’s the issue here, that I’ve asked for a favour and she’s not felt all the help she’s had from us should be either reciprocated or at least refused in a nice way.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeelDeflated · 13/07/2026 21:32

swqa · 13/07/2026 20:30

But what have YOU actually done?

You still haven't really said.

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I’ve been the one that has asked my DH to do the jobs when he’s said it’s a lot of work or tired due to the nature of his job, we both work full-time she doesn’t work, and I’ve gone down there spent the time running out to get parts if needed, and supported him for the hours that he’s been there, so my time too. But that’s not really the point here, it’s the way she pretty much dismissed me with no thought for what we’ve done for her

OP posts:

Blondielocks25 · 13/07/2026 21:18

Not to mention the fact that it’s literally her daughter you were wanting to do the favour. For all you know they’ve had a milllion conversations about how she doesn’t want to do nails any more, they might even have fought about it!! You friend knows her child and knows if she’d be able to ask again or not. Clearly it was a not so she fired off a reply quickly to you. I’m glad you aren’t my friend reacting like you have ! Throwing your toys out the pram !!

Blondielocks25 · 13/07/2026 21:15

you shouldn’t have kept offering DH’s help when you were asked if it was building resentment which it clearly was by your outsized reaction. Crazy! It’s literally nails, and you offered to pay so why not just go to a salon? You need to take stock of why you’ve reacted so strongly about this. Clearly something deeper going on there about the friendship, which is perhaps what you posted on here for. But honestly people who get resentful in the end about offering help need to first learn not to offer the help if they don’t want to do it! Things should be freely given without expectation of return, you’ll be a happier person if you take that attitude

Shinyandnew1 · 13/07/2026 21:13

Whatifitallgoesright · 13/07/2026 17:26

Crucial question is will your husband refuse to do her jobs or is he a big people pleaser and be unable to say no? Imagine how annoying if she asks you to borrow him and you say no so she asks him and he says yes.

This!

swqa · 13/07/2026 21:11

JuliaBraverman · 13/07/2026 20:47

If it wasn’t for the OP, nothing would be done as that’s how they know her DH.

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That's scraping the barrel a bit isn't it?

She still hasn't done any work but expects to be rewarded for someone else's.

She's not his pimp lol.

LettingItAllHangOut · 13/07/2026 21:09

Fluffyholeysocks · 13/07/2026 14:52

Next time she asks for your DH to do some DIY, tell her 'he doesn't do it for other people anymore, he only does our own'.

I think this is the right way to handle any future requests for help. Nope.

Anyahyacinth · 13/07/2026 21:05

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/07/2026 20:37

So a friendship is transactional that’s right?

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Not transactional ..rather balanced and respectful is healthy...one sided is NOT

Horses7 · 13/07/2026 21:04

I would feel hurt too… and a bit of a mug not to have seen this friend for what she is before now.
DIY stops forever.
Don't chase this friendship - it’s one sided and that would be it for me.
If she asks for help in future say “my H is so busy helping out my new nail girl - she’s turned out to be a fabulous friend”.

Hankunamatata · 13/07/2026 21:03

I think your massively overreacting.

Her dd could have easily said Im not doing anyone's nails previously to her mum hence your friends reply, even more so since you massively hinted when you were over there.

Your friends on holiday - I would have sent you same brief reply then got in with my holiday.

Anyahyacinth · 13/07/2026 21:02

swqa · 13/07/2026 15:45

But YOU are asking for a favour to be returned to YOU when you did none of the DIY.

And you're asking the person who didn't ASK for any DIY to be done.

The mind boggles as to why you should get your nails done and she should do them for you under these circumstances.

I could understand if it was your husband asking your friend and her husband for a favour, but why does any of his work mean that you should get a favour?

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This is just being obtuse

The friendship has gifted the other person tons of help (via OP), OP wanted a favour in return and it was a straight NO...if the daughter couldn't do it the friend could have offered kindness or a gesture...she didn't

Aiming4Optimistic · 13/07/2026 20:59

She absolutely did owe you this - if it was my daughter I'd have leant on her to do this, particularly as she has benefitted from your husband's free labour over the years. If my dd absolutely refused, I would be do cross with her and do apologetic to my friend. Yours hasn't even attrmpted to soften this! She's shown you who she is and now it's time to step back and stop doing her favours.
My mum had a best friend like this - happy to take all the help and support and freebies, but unwilling to offer the same. Once you see it you can't unsee it. Don't let her make a mug of you!

maxslice · 13/07/2026 20:53

TheBlueKoala · 13/07/2026 20:49

No, @FeelDeflated doesn't need to keep scores. It's quite easy when one person is doing all the taking and the other all the giving. I presume you're a taker because that's exactly how someone like that would gaslight the constant giver; "one shouldn't keep scores with friends.."

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Good Lord, what’s the matter with you? If she feels that this woman is always and only a taker, she should dump her. I have healthy relationships with my friends which seems to be a strange concept to you. Get over yourself and stop insulting people you don’t even know.