AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

This is your lesson that doing things for other people doesn't mean you are going to receive things in return.

MN will come up with a hundred reasons why you're in the wrong and make excuses why friend and her DD might not want to but it comes down to you having different values and expectations in life.

You're not in the wrong but neither are they. Though life would be better and nicer if people reciprocated help and kindness but the simple fact is, they don't.

@FeelDeflated To be honest, I find it really irritating that a grown woman cannot do DIY jobs herself. This is the bit that would annoy me. Its not rocket science.

But I also think you helping friends/family does not give you the right to expect favors back.

You're a nicer person than I am, @FeelDeflated
She could stuff her birthday where the sun don't shine if it was up to me!

Is it 4 weeks? You said this happened 2 weeks ago in your OP?

Not that it especially matters, I don’t think you’re unreasonable actually. She sounds like she’s come to just expect the help and I’d certainly reconsider next time she asks

I don't think you've been unreasonable to feel the way you do, I think I would've probably felt the same way. I also understand your issue is with the way your friend responded and not that you feel entitled to her daughter doing your nails. The question now is what next? If you want the friendship to continue then I would acknowledge your friend's birthday, but dial it back if you normally make a fuss for her birthday. Also, no more favours from you or your husband. This will stop any feelings of resentment when she doesn't reciprocate in future. If you're happy to let the friendship go, then don't acknowledge her birthday at all.

I would send her a birthday card. A nice card but don’t go overboard with the card or the message in it. Be friendly but not gushing. I’d hand-deliver it to her home at a time I don’t expect her to be there so you know she’s received it but the ball is in her court as to how the relationship progresses from now on.

I would continue the friendship if she makes overtures towards you but recategorise the friendship, at least for the time being. Don’t be too willing to give and assess whether she really is a taker.

She may not have meant to be blunt, she might have been in the middle of something on her holiday. From her point of view you’ve found out that her dd won’t do your nails and have abruptly stopped talking to her.

OP have you had zero contact with her for 4 weeks or do you mean she just hasn’t mentioned the nails in 4 weeks?

Have you texted her and she’s ignored your texts?

You are massively overthinking this OP.

Her DD would have had lots of people asking to make them the exception.

You seem to think that you should be put above everyone else.

The DD is enforcing her boundaries, good for her.

Your friend has already told you before that DD does not do nails.
She does not need to over-explain or feel guilty for this.

MN is funny because in one thread everyone is saying no means no and no is a full sentence etc but then you get these threads where people think they’re owed a big explanation.

I can’t remember what messages I sent 4 weeks ago and so you for you to think that she’d have given it a second thought it really odd.

The message wasn’t rude, it was just factual,
You asked, she said no and so that’s the end of it.

I really don’t see why you’re making this into a drama.
Perhaps you have other things going on in your life and the stress is coming out the wrong way.

I hope you got your nails done in the end 💐

The amount of backbending here to find fault with OP should get some kind of award. Maybe become a new Olympic sport.

OP you didn’t do anything wrong in asking for the dd to do your nails and you were not wrong to feel hurt by the rude way your friend rejected your polite request.

I am so sorry you found out how little you and your dh matter to your old friend. Just resolve not to let her sidle back into your life when she needs something done. Match her energy or even don’t bother and put the relationship out to pasture.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset. Given the help that was given by your husband - who is presumably helping because the woman and daughter are your friends - rather than him having an open offer to help anyone. Even the daughter should feel some responsibility towards your family for the jobs done by your husband.

They are takers not givers dial down the effort with them and dont let your husband waste his precious free time on jobs your friends husband or herself should be doing or paying others to do.

It is hard when you are naturally a giver my young daughter is that way inclined but I am starting to ask her to stop being quite so giving because I could easily see her ending up in similar situations eg she happily gives to others some of whom are not going to give back. So I try to make her think through things a bit more ...so she is giving but not too much that she loses anything herself

Maybe she's had a lot of people asking for their nails to be done for free now that its not her job and is a bit sick of it.
Tone can be misread in text.
It is strange she's not messaged in 4 weeks though.

I always tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. While on the surface it doesn't look good, I would assume there's more going on that you're not aware of - maybe your friend has realised her daughter is actually crap at nails and is too embarrassed to say. Maybe - as my mother has been known to do - her mother has been offering free nails to all and sundry and the daughter has had enough and put her foot down. Maybe the daughter has told her mother she's not happy to do it outside of a professional setting with the requisite insurance in place, or she's running out of material and doesn't want/can't afford to order more.

If the friendship has genuinely always seemed good to this point then I don't think I would rush to think the worst.

The lack of contact for four weeks over this is more unusual. The friend could be embarrassed about the lack of reciprocity and knows she's got it wrong, or thinks you are cross and is choosing discretion, or there's something else going on in her life causing her problems. Without actually having an honest conversation you'll never know, and only you can decide if the friendship means enough to you to set aside your discomfort over what does look like a very obvious snub in order to find out.

So sorry about this, OP. It’s clear now what the basis of your friendship has been all along. She’s doesn’t deserve you. Xx

I would be upset too.
My neighbours help me out with jobs and I always try and do something which they need. I certainly wouldn't also send them a rude message

Have you replied to her message @FeelDeflated

Friendships are transactional, in a limited way. If I offer to do something for a friend, while it is pleasurable for me to do it, there is an implicit, unspoken assumption of 'well, you'd do the same for me.' When it turns out that 'oh no they wouldn't', it rather takes the gloss of the friendship.

I wouldn’t block her. I’d wait and see what she wants when she contacts you again so you can refuse as abruptly as she did.

I agree with you.