AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

She probably thinks you're being childish giving her the silent treatment and doesn't want to pander to you by asking if everything's okay.

What a rude, selfish family op. Happy for your dh to do them favours but cba to reciprocate.

It is sad to lose a 30yr friendship but this is so beyond shit I don't know how you'd come back from it.

It of course itsnt about the nails, it's the principle. They are obviously happy to take take take and not return a favour at all. Arseholes, sorry

I think the lack of social skills is the problem. If she had said something along the lines of, so sorry, appreciate you used to get them done but she doesn’t want to do them anymore bar herself and mine, hope you understand it might have landed better. But the blunt ‘ she doesn’t do nails anymore only hers and mine’ comes across as abrupt. Text messages are along with emails one of the worst ways of communicating. No tone, no face to gauge how it is said. And the spoken word is much better. Text and email are often the cause of a lot of fallouts.
It shows a lack of social skills sadly.

Look back on your messages - who starts the conversations? I think it will be illuminating that you do most of the work in the friendship.

I don’t think you should be insisting your DH does things for other people when he’s said it’s a lot of work and he doesn’t really want to. It’s up to you who you do favours for, and it’s up to him who he does favours for.

I also think that you did expect your friend’s DD to do your nails. Maybe you wouldn’t have been so upset if she’d said it in a different way, but the fact you’re conflating favours done for your friend (by your DH) to your friends DD reciprocating by doing favours for you shows you don’t actually understand boundaries. You see your DH as an extension of you and you see your friend’s DD as an extension of her.

It reads like she already ran it by her DD and was told no before you texted. Maybe she felt awkward about saying no so she ripped it off like a plaster and it came across as blunt. It does sound like you did expect it though, as your whole opening post and several since have been about how you’d think your friend would have tried to twist the DD’s arm about it. Why should she do that?

Exactly this! And personally I would feel that I would have to let her birthday go past. If it's petty then so be it, but I'd feel better about it.
I've gone out of my way and done double somersaults for so called 'friends' in the past, I've learnt the hard way. I still give new acquaintances a chance but 'old users' I've now tended to tell them as it is!

I don’t think it would have hurt your friend to ask her daughter to sort your nails given all the favours she has had over the years from your DH. I think you know what to say the next time she asks…..sorry DH only does DIY for us now!

I think she maybe showing her true colours. Maybe not the sort of friend you thought she would was

Sorry for your upset
X

YABU. If it was friend who did nails, fair enough, but the adult daughter shouldn’t be made to do something she doesn’t want to because your OH has helped do DIY for her mum.

Does she normally only contact you when she wants something and all other chats are initiated by you?

I think you’re entirely reasonable here @FeelDeflated. It’s the dismissive tone, as if you’re just another stranger to her DD.

Have you ever gone this long without speaking before? Does she have a lot of other friends? I’m just wondering what the impact would be on your wider circle if you let this friendship go.

When she next needs some DIY, she’ll certainly notice your absence. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and all that. Even if you don’t speak to her any more, you can be certain that at some point she’ll sorely miss the help you/your DH provided.

What do you normally do for her birthday - does she arrange a night out? I’d be unavailable but IF you wanted to keep the friendship albeit more casual, I’d pop a card through her door when you know she’ll be out. But that’s it.

No contact for 4weeks means she knows something is up - she either thinks it’s your fault for being cheeky/rude/presumptuous, or she’s embarrassed and doesn’t know how to make things normal between you again.

I think the cooling of the friendship started on your friends side before your request re nails. Her not geing in touch is nothing to do with the nails, your text or her response. Think back to before that.. any signs you now see in hindsight?

You're not being unreasonable to feel hurt if you never ask anything from them as a family but they've all benefited from your husband's handyman skills.

If they request or even hint that they need his services in the future you'd be within your rights to say that he's not doing jobs outside of your home any more. It's too time consuming.

I wouldn’t feel hurt. You asked she said no, you know where you stand now. Just pay it back, when she asks for your husband you just say no. Literally as simple as that

This. At some point DD is going to purchase her first home. Who do you think she will ask to do ‘a few little jobs’, her dad? Noooooo I don’t think so. Be ready next time you are approached.

Why did you not reply “ok no worries” or something?

The fact that you didn’t reply and neither of you have texted in 4 weeks suggests that the friendship has run its course.

I think it was probably a long time coming if you felt her reply was rudder than normal and you didn’t reply.

Your friend can't expect her daughter to do you a favour. Thats not a fair position to be in. Forget ir but maybe stop offer to do diy.

This one 'nails' it! Ouch.

She really is showing you who she is.
If she has realised how the tone of her message may have come across, why has she not attempted to contact you and explain/apologise?
Likewise if she hadn't realised why no contact in 4 weeks?
She knows what she did and doesn't give a damn. She doesn't care about the long term friendship.
She's more than likely thinking you will contact her and grovel if she waits long enough.
Good luck to her next time she needs a job done. She'll realise those jobs cost a lot more than getting nails done.

I can see why you'd feel irritated, but the two favours are entirely different. Your DH has offered to help, but like another poster said, it isn't your friend's favour to ask this of her daughter if she no longer does nails. If you were going to pay for them anyway, I can't see why it would be any more difficult to pay for them elsewhere. My hairdresser regularly tells me how pissed off he is that friends and family ask for haircuts and styling. At the end of the day, it's his job. It sounds as though it's not even your friend's daughter's job anymore so I can fully understand why the answer would be no. If it was something your friend could offer directly and wouldn't, that might be different, but you can't expect other people to give up their time just because she's related to your friend.

I have known a couple people (hairdresser, decorator) who refused to work for friends. Both said it rarely ended well. This may be part of DD's decision.

Stop, right here. If your DH said it’s a lot of work and that he was tired due to the nature of his job, then that should have been the end of the discussion.

You badly need to work on your boundaries. Why did you continue to ask your DH to provide free handyman services to this 'friend' when he had said it’s a lot of work and that he was tired due to the nature of his job,

I can't believe all the responses saying that you are being unreasonable, particularly the ones saying that you didn't do all the work, your DH did, so why on earth would you expect your friend's daughter to do your nails (not even for free).

Your DH did all the DIY work but the request came through you and he only did the work because it was for your friend and her daughter.

I'd be re-thinking the friendship now and certainly wouldn't be doing them any more favours.

OP - I totally get that she could have been less blunt, and receiving that text would have been annoying. I’d have been pretty irritated by it.

But we all mess up from time to time, it’s human. Unless she has previous form for being rude or unhelpful, or a user, is it really worth potentially throwing away 30 years of close friendship for?