AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

I'd be annoyed by this tbh. Sometimes the discovery of who are your real friends and who arent is a big surprise.

Hope you got them done at a local salon and have a lovely holiday.

I’d feel the same OP - to not even ring to explain if there is a good reason is not great from someone who you considered a good friend.
I’d just text her on her birthday and leave it at that.

Ignore her. She knows what she did. You don’t need friends like that.

This!!

I know it’s not the DD’s responsibility necessarily to pay back on behalf of her mum but I’d say ‘I’ll have a chat with her and see what she says. You’ve helped me out a lot so I’ll see what I can do.’

If you look back at it, are you always the one who initiates the messaging? Is that why there's been this radio silence, are you the one that keeps the relationship alive? If not and you value the relationship I would call her and say listen I care about you a lot and value your friendship but currently I'm feeling like you don't value mine. I don't mind at all that DD can't do my nails, though I think it would have been nice to have asked her given all the support DH and I have given you, but I am upset that you responded in a way that felt dismissive to me, like I was just some random person asking for a favour not a close friend. I am also sad that you haven't reached out to me in 4 weeks. I care about our friendship so wanted to talk it through with you.

Hopefully she will be suitablu apologetic and give an explanation eg I'm so sorry, DH and I had just had a big row when I dashed that message off. If she's not you will know where you are.

Perfect response!!!

I am confused, if you are willing to pay, why not just go to a nail salon?

Your friend responded as she knew her daughter no longer wished to do this work. There seems to be a slight disrespect to those who work in the beauty industry.

I work in HR and if I told people I didn’t want to engage in the anymore, no one would question it and they would respect my decision. However, a nail technician (a trained professional), says they don’t want to do it anymore and it’s up for discussion. It’s weird.

It’s a little unfair maybe to be upset your friend hasn’t been touch, when you haven’t been in touch and you didn’t reply to her last message. She doesn’t know you’re upset, so maybe that’s why she hasn’t asked if you’re ok? Don’t let a long friendship end over something that wasn't even in your friend’s gift to give you.

Did your message ask about her holiday etc, or just about the nails?

She’s not much of a friend if that’s the case. No loss to OP

If you have not replied to her she might think you're sulking and be thinking stuff you?!

YANBU, OP. There’s nothing transactional about wanting a friend you have gone out of your way for to treat you with a little grace.

I would be suspicious about the 4 week silence. It’s very telling about her value on your friendship, that she must realise she has hurt. Expect her to reappear suddenly, with a breezy hello and long time no speak, and impatience and disbelief if you bring this up, as if you are being a silly child. She won’t want to lose her free handyman. Don’t be manipulated. I loved the pp’s suggestion of telling her your DH only does DIY for you now. See how long she wants to remain friends without the freebies.

edit to add: I would not acknowledge her birthday, unless you can style it out, knowing full well that you are cutting off her taking advantage of you and your DH. A card will suffice, don’t buy her anything.

I’d not ignore her birthday but I’d also not make a particular fuss … however

Please, please, please promise that you’ll say exactly this next time she asks - because the CF will!

Why wouldn't you ask her daughter directly?

I think it's a pretty dismissive message given the closeness of your relationship and the favours she and her family have received from your family.

It's just one thing though. One message that missed the mark. Seems a pretty small molehill to let grow into a mountain if the friendship is so long and close. So that makes me wonder if there has been more going on - maybe stuff that's been sitting uncomfortably with you for a while? A lack of balance? Something else?

You say it's been 4 weeks since the exchange and no contact since. When did she get back from the holiday? Would she normally have messaged you by now? Or does she generally wait for you to contact unless she wants something?

Interesting the reply was so quick, curt and dismissive. And, that the friend hasn't reached out since, to clarify or other usual chat.

What else has happened? What else could have put her off?

If there is absolutely nothing else, the friend is a user and feels aggrieved OP has overstepped the bounds of their friendship somehow. After 30 years this behaviour really is odd as OP would know her friend's daughter, no? Also, OP offered to pay. She didn't demand a freebie for all her dh has done - did she?

Some people sadly are take take take i would be upset by this too . Let her birthday pass by because I wouldn't say she was a true friend if she hasn't even checked in on you

I'd be inclined to pull back on your DH doing DIY for them and see what happens. If your friendship continues great; if not, they're takers,

Thinking about it, I do the occasional favours for my friends, but nothing like putting up shelves, assembling beds, etc., I'd only do that if someone was physically unable to do it themselves. Your friend sounds abit lazy tbh.

Edit to say that I'd wish her Happy Birthday but not spend lots on her (if that's what you typically do).

Your husband is doing diy for your friend. Yet you expect free nails from friend’s daughter???

YABU

Also her message wasn’t dismissive. You are choosing to read it that way.

I can see why you're hurt OP and I'm sorry this has soured what you thought was a good friendship.

This is my take on it.
Friend has asked daughter to do your nails. She's categorically refused.
Friend may have been embarrassed and annoyed with her, but not wanted to criticise her to you.

She's answered you bluntly, possibly projecting her annoyance with her daughter embarrassing her onto her reply to you.
You've understandably taken offence and not answered. She feels awkward contacting you because she knows you're annoyed/hurt/offended and doesn't know how to handle it.

I agree with other posters that suggested she could have offered to pay for you to get your nails done in a salon.

Feel free to ignore my ramblings.

What does your husband think about the situation?

Her view of the friendship is that she takes, you and your DH give. You asking for something (even something you're willing to pay for) has broken your unspoken friendship contract.

If you tell DH that you don't want him to do any more favours for her will he stop the favours?

THIS all the way!

Oh well no more favours for them OP

When you initially asked about her DD doing your nails, how did she react? Surely she either said "I'll ask her" or "I'm not sure if she's still doing nails. She's very busy in her new job". Did you maybe miss/ignore a gentle refusal? Her response, when on holiday, didn't seem that abrupt to me but you obviously know her well. If she hasn't been in touch since it feels like you are both feeling wronged and waiting for the other to apologise?

I'd be a bit miffed, more at the fact she's not messaged you for 4 weeks.

If you look back over messages have you always been the one starting conversations? (Unless she wants something)

Id be hurt too to be honest. Whist her daughter didnt ask for diy and probably wont appreciate it even if it was her bed i think if it was my daughter i would be saying look please can you just do her nails as they are helpful friends. If her daughter really wouldn’t she should have said sorry she doesnt have the stuff anymore to be a bit kinder.
just take a step back. Loving the only does our diy though i would prib say sorry to busy atm too much on.