AIBU to feel really hurt by this and how do I sort it?

I would assume here that words have been had been mother and daughter.

Many years ago, when mine were little, i asked a neighbour's DD (teen) to babysit. I was used to sitters telling me how WONDERFUL my kids were - I paid well, and my kids were easy. Anyway met mum/neighbour a few days later who told he her DD would NEVER babysit again, I was a bit taken aback, and wondered why the mum wouldn't insist her DD earn some pretty handy pocket money, but I never asked her again, There were plenty of teenagers happy to babysit.

As an aside, a teen DD of (different) family friend announced she was never babysitting again after her first 'real' job in a supermarket (she had never babysat for us - we live distance apart). After a few shifts on minimum wage, where her 10min breaks were timed, there was no watching tv while being paid, and a fairly busy shift. She announced that she was still available for babysitting, and for her mother to spread the word.

Imagine this scenario - friends DD has done nails for a few friends and family. Some might be under the heading of learning her craft, but she's feeling underpaid and taken advantage of. Her DM appears to offer her service to another friend, or it comes up in some way. She smiles politely at the time but once she gets her mother alone, she makes it crystal clear that she will not be doing friends/neighbours/aunts/grannys nails. It is outrageous that she has been asked! She is sick and tired of people taking advantage of her and mum is the worst offender. Mum is chastened and put in a slightly embarassing position. Mum is happy to go on holidays and have a break from annoyed DD. Along comes your text. Her reply is brief because she is still reeling from the tongue lashing she got from DD and feels hopelessly torn in the middle.

Mine are teenagers now - I have to pick my battles,

Having said all that I would not ask my friend's DH to do DIY for me unpaid. My DH is poor at DIY but will spend hours figuring out IKEA diagrams, or pay someone else. Even the bed delivery people will assemble for a fee.

Old friends are dear to us - do not lose her over this. Give her the benefit of the doubt re the nails but regarding the DIY. I wouldn't offer. And if asked, I might say something like - If I ask DH to do you a favour, he is so good natured, he will not say no. So I hate asking him. Try to assemble/hang /drill yourself - that stuff comes with instructions. Text me if you can't figure it out.

Exactly! It’s incredible how they can justify themselves.

The adult daughter may well not know any of this is going on, because her mum has (rightly) respected her decision she’s not doing nails anymore and doesn’t need to check if there are exceptions.

but as I say - it’s sort of irrelevant whose done what (because none of its very serious). The only decision the OP has to make is whether she values the 30 year friendship or not, and if she does the she should get in touch with her friend and wish her happy birthday.

Ive said decision fairly neutrally there…. I actually think ending a 30 year friendship because your friend’s daughter didn’t do your nails is completely unhinged!

(I don’t think the OP is unhinged - she wants to sort it out - it’s the weird posts encouraging her to think worse and worse things about her friend!)

Is there any chance there’s something else going on that you’re not aware of? Does she confide in you about everything . sounds unusual for such a long time friend

also, if you’ve been in her daughters life since she was born I’m sure you feel like more of an aunt to her than a friend

I think the only thing would be to just have it out with her, maybe don’t mention the favours your husband has done, but more I thought we were closer than this

The adult daughter who had her room refurbished by OP's DH and didn't offer a single penny to him. That's who is being cheeky!

Well you can fight over that bit all you like (and her friend sent the last message), but it’s not going to save the friendship - you can’t control someone else behaviour. If she does want to keep the friendship, her only path forwards is to send a message isn’t it? She COULD be stubborn about it, but it’ll only hurt them both.

👏👏👏

Not when OP is paying for it! Unlike her 'friend' and daughter who never paid a single penny for her and her DH's hours of work, labour and materials.

Imagine being the daughter though if her mum did ask her to do her friend’s nails - who would you think is being cheeky? The OP, surely.

also - if the daughter has decided to stop doing nails, she’s absolutely allowed to! We don’t have to keep doing jobs we don’t like (and if her mum knows she doesn’t want to do it anymore, she doesn’t need to check if an exception can be made for her friend - she’s respected her daughters boundaries, and well done her). I’m sorry she’s been ignored for four weeks and might lose a 30 year friendship over it.

Her 'friend' hasn't contacted her in 4 weeks either!

Wow. How is the OP the bad friend, when she wanted to give her daughter some business? Her 'friend' is the bad friend for never offering to pay her husband for putting himself out. This is really not a 'friendship' at all. It's one-sided and OP would be better off cutting this greedy user and chancer out of her life. Especially since 'friend' has not even bothered to text her in a month!

OP wanted to throw the daughter some paid work her way. How is that bad? It's a good thing. Sure, she could go to a salon, but most people would want to give the money to friends.

The message was very short and rude, and unapologetic. It is not on the OP to contact her. Not after everything the OP has done for her.

@FeelDeflated

If you acknowledge her birthday in any shape or form then you deserve to have the piss ripped out of you.

She is a taker, a grabber, who thinks nothing of you or your DH. If you acknowledge her birthday, you are agreeing with her that you are worth nothing.

Let her birthday, come, let it go. If she asks you about it, just tell her you are now only celebrating family birthdays.

I hope you ignore her and her birthday. Anything else, you may as well take the knee in front of her and, in her mind's eye, that is certainly the position she will see you in.

Yes, it's cheeky fuckery to expect to get your nails done on the back of someone else's work.

Great to get an insight into the mind of how these cheeky fuckers reason.

Horribly rude of her. She could have asked her daughter. I would have been upset too.

She was on holiday it was likely just a quick message between mates, this expectation everything is wrapped up in soft words and delivered with a chorus of angels, is just ludicrous. All the op had to do was say no worries hope hol is good.

Her husband put up the DD´s shelving and other things...It would´ve been easy for her to be gracious. Some people aren´t wired that way, though.

I agree with you, mumsnetters are notoriously sensitive and want to end any relationship over the most minor infraction and it’s playing out here as people escalate it.

the message is simply factual, it didn’t need wrapping up in love hearts and candy floss. It’s just no she doesn’t do nails any more, who cares, the op is willing to pay she should then say no worries will pop to the salon, say hi for me and hope the hol is great.

insread a month later she’s ignoring her, on mumsnet going on about how much they’ve done for her and ending a 30 year friendship as the message was apparently not kind enough when phrasing the no.

Do you actually want to lose a 30 year friendship over a thoughtlessly worded message and some nails? If not, then you’re going to have to just rise above it - send a happy birthday message and take it from there.

Do you think if your husband had been unable to help her one time, she’d have never spoken to you again? I think it’s unlikely.

I can see I might be in the minority as there’s lots of ‘she’s a taker!!’ Etc on here, but you can only control your own behaviour. I think you’re being a bit of a bad friend here actually - you’ve ignored her message for four weeks and she doesn’t know it’s because you don’t think there was enough time for her to ask her daughter; she just thinks her friend’s ditched her over some nails. I bet she is also extremely hurt (more reasonably, I think).

I think the issue with messages is tone is open to interpretation. People are interpreting it like you did as you’ve led the charge there. Me I think it’s just a factual statement, why on earth do you need it written with kindness, it’s just nails.

you also start off with the issue is she’s not doing your nails when you’ve both done so much, then when it’s pointed out the daughter is the one doing it, you move to it’s the tone of her message.

im sure you know full well that it would take seconds for her to say do you want to do deflated nails, no, ok will let her know. You’ve no idea if that occurred, in addition she may have had lots of requests and the daughter is pissed off and said no she’s doing no one’s nails apart from theirs, so she already knew. She was on holiday and fired out a quick message.

rhe friend now thinks you’re pissed off as the daughter won’t do your nails. And the daughter likely thinks if you’re willing to pay, go to a salon, so secretly you wanted a freebie, hoping she’d not accept the money. As ya know. You’ve done so much for them.

it is utterly bizzare that two grown women, can’t communicate properly and have a conversation and both see their arse over something so ridiculous. But here we have it.

i think it’s on you to reach out, the message was simply factual, you don’t need it wrapped in candy floss.its just no, and should be no big deal. Go to a salon if you’re willing to pay. There is no need for this silliness and going on about how much you’ve done for them and how the message should have been kind etc,

I’m still unsure whether to acknowledge her birthday.

I wouldn't she clearly doesn't want to contact you and it seems to me the friendship is over. I wonder if she was upset with you over something before she sent that message.

Regardless, her curt response and not even checking in with you over the 4 weeks/month shows she has no regard for you or the amount of work you and your DH have done for her and her daughter. You deserve better than her response. Much better than that. Let the friendship peter out, it's clear she saw you as free help and not a true friend. She has got what she wanted from you. And maybe you no longer serve a purpose hence her response. If she contacts you again asking your DH for help, just send a curt message that your DH only does work for yourselves now.

Don't bother contacting her again.

A very good point/idea! I’d have done the same.
She’s a taker.

YANBU
If I was your friend I’d have offered to pay for your nails as a treat, as I’d be a bit embarrassed to have accepted all the DIY and then be unable to return a favour when asked

As hard as it'll be OP, text her & say "can't believe it's been 4 weeks, how was the holiday? What plans have you got for your birthday?"

Don't give her the pleasure of blaming you for behaving funny cos that is what she'll be telling people. She knows she's in the wrong but won't admit it, she's knows you're upset but isn't trying to salvage the issue.

Send her the text, send her a card, but you know where you stand now. I'd see her in a different light & would definitely pull back.

I know you're not ok at the minute and hurting but this will pass whatever the outcome.